Sorry...I completely misread the thread. I re-read it and totally get that you were objecting to MyRev. I completely agree that there is room for both sides of a discussion.

I am new to church and thus not well versed in religious law, but I thought that God was the only one who should judge. I can't point to the scripture yet, and maybe my understanding is flawed, but I keep coming back to this idea that God says we are all capable of sin and yet, as Christians, we should try to live by his laws and help others to make the best choices that they can...not that we should judge them when they make bad choices. I may be wrong.

Ok. I'm done with the discussion...I don't want it to completely shadow this person's need.

MS

Can you not judge right from wrong, MS? Did you read the part about the 10 Commandments?

Yes, you are. God judges a man's soul, but we are supposed to judge behavior in light of Gods Word. God expects you to judge right from wrong. Our prisons are full of people who cannot, and that is right where they belong.

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I was scared to come back to see if anyone even replied. I'll try to answer as honestly as I can.

I'm not sure why anyone cares so much about my faith, as i just need support in my marriage, but here goes. This works for us although it sounds a little crazy I know.

I'm atheist. I was raised without a god of any sort in my life. My parents were upstanding good members of their towns and the best most loving parents I could have asked for. My H is a dyed in the wool Christian, a born and raised and a True Believer. We are raising our children Baptist. I really thought I was Christian when we met and married and I promised to raise them as such. I didn't have a crisis of faith, one day I woke up and god was just gone. I can't fake something that's not there but I keep an open mind and heart. I actually am much happier, more productive, accepting and loving person since. Weird, I know but that's the truth.

I'm pro life. He's pro choice. It is all very confusing. I don't want an abortion and do feel it would be murder but I don't believe in heaven or 'down below' (it censored out the word sorry LOL) so that's not why I wouldn't do it. I know my three girls. I love them so much. I can't imagine not having one of them in our lives. I'm not sure I could live with myself if I terminated.

We considered all options. Abortion was the knee jerk response. Then adoption. Then keeping it. Back and forth. Every day he prays for me to lose the baby, but he has also said he's not sure how he'll feel if I do.

He's always been my best friend and my rock and to have him pull away like this is like a rug being pulled away.

I do not think he's having an affair, I have looked for other signs and there are none. His job has suddenly gotten VERY stressful due to the economy and he's lost some huge accounts. I think that was the reason in the drop in sex drive.

I feel so freaking old. I'm so tired. I've been parenting since I was 23 and I wanted a break too. I was ready for menopause, mid life and all that. I don't mind getting older. I'm really scared and don't have anyone to talk to about it. He won't talk about it, and we decided to not tell anyone until after then next ultrasound to make sure it's viable.

Thanks so much for all of your input. This has been sitting so heavy on my heart and I feel so very alone.

m.

Sorry, your husband is not as he presents himself. A TRUE believer would NEVER be in favor of killing God's children. NEVER.

As for you, I am glad you made the decision to keep your child. Give your husband some time and have him speak to some church leaders regarding his sadness over this gift and also his abortion stance.

Adoption is a solution to consider...but something tells me that both of you will quickly warm to the idea of another child. Good luck to you.

mtelli,

I am so happy you came back and reposted.

My friend's H also prayed for her to lose the baby during the 2 pregnancies I talked about. Again, AFTERWARDS, he was appalled at his behavior. She had no trouble forgiving him because she made the concious decision to understand him. She loved him, knew him, and believed that he would come to his senses.

Her words to me were almost exactly the same as yours. He was her best friend and she was left without him for a time.

I worked in childbirth for a very long time and have seen MANY situations where women have been faced with unexpected pregnancies. Almost always, the operative word is FEAR. Decisions get made. Words get said. Action is taken that is often regretted. And it's only because people are afraid of the unknown. I found that when women could let go of the fear or face their fears head on, that most of the real heart-clutching anxiety went away.

It sounds like you and your H have built a good marriage. Count on the foundation you have laid.

As for what you expected to happen.....well...you know that saying about the best laid plans.... LIFE happens. In all it's glory. Life happens.

My hairdresser of more than 30 years has had the awful experience of her H becoming paralyzed from Guillan-Barre syndrome. Literally he was fine one day and paralyzed the next. This big, strapping man is now in a nursing home, unable to do anything for himself. This was certainly not their plan. He has been like this for almost a year, so they don't have a lot of hope it's going to resolve itself anytime soon.

As for being ready for menopause, etc., well that might not have happened the way you think either. My 55th birthday is in 2 days and I am not in menopause YET!!!!! I just had a period and feel like I will have another one soon. Sigh. LIFE!!!

I guess my point is that life ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS surprises us. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not.

But I can almost guarantee you that in the end you will NOT be sorry that you had another baby and your H will probably forget that he didn't want to have another one.

Work on letting the fear go. Life is good.

Blessings,
WH2LE

Thanks everyone. Yes, life is what happens when you are making other plans. I get that . He's not ready to accept it yet. He says he will given time. We have an ultra sound on Monday and he's hoping it's an undeveloped sac, as we've had in the past, when we were trying to get pregnant. But I know I'm knocked up. I have lost 10 lbs and yet my pants won't fit in the middle.

As for our faith, I think that's personal and I have no intention of having him talking to church leaders. As an Atheist I keep an open mind and heart but I'm not going to push him into something like that. He has a quiet and deep faith. He doesn't like to talk to me about it. We don't argue or preach at each other or anything, he just feels that his relationship with God is complex and cannot be understood by me I guess.

The problem is with church, if we get a little involved suddenly we're in charge and it makes me uncomfortable knowing I don't believe in any gods. I don't care to be preached at any more than a True Believer would like to be told to conform to Muslim or Wicca and told they are wrong, yk?

The long and short is we are keeping the baby. It's driving us apart. We've been together 13 years and never has this happened to us. We've been through tragedy, highs and lows, and it brought us closer. This isn't. I hope one day it will and we'll never speak of this again.

Thanks for listening!

m.

I am so happy that you have chosen to keep the baby. Whether you are a person of faith or not, I think you would regret having an abortion. It is a female thing. And I think if you went along with your husband, you would regret it and resent him.

Feel free to post here, and folks will join in to support you. This is a difficult situation, but can be overcome.

Hubby may be just stressed and frightened, and we will support you to help him.

Hope life is good again for you soon.

I am so sorry to have posted and hurt anyone or shaken faith or brought up difficult topics. I had heard this was a good place to discuss relationship issues, and has saved marriages of more than a few friends of mine. However I'm not sure I should have posted.

All this was for not. We went to the ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. He had died in utero. I was about 12 weeks. H cried more than I did, and he never cries about anything. I guess since we had decided to keep it the last two weeks were pretty much great. We had started to order things for the baby an reorganize our life. They have started to arrive and it makes me sad but I'm sending it all back.

I had to have it surgically removed, as if I had had a miscarriage on my own I could have hemorrhaged out. This would have been bad since I'm a stay at home mom I wouldn't want my children to be scarred by that.

The surgery went fine. We are totally devastated. Our oldest child is devastated. Much more than I thought we would be. This has brought us closer together as a family, and we have been discussing actually trying for another baby. He's canceled his urology appointment for the vasectomy. I guess this opened his eyes to how serious and precious life is.

I don't know. I'm so embarrassed I got pregnant at my age and then lost it. I am okay sometimes and cry for no reason at other times. I want to hide. I just wanted to update you all. I know I didn't do anything wrong and neither did he. He was scared, but has been so supportive and loving since this happened I understand how he felt. Now I'm the one who doesn't want to be touched, kissed or talked to. I wish I could say it strengthened or gave me faith or something but it didn't. It just sucks.

I don't believe that bad thoughts can hurt a baby like that, nor karma. The embryo implanted at the wrong time in my cycle and it couldn't stay alive. It breaks my heart that most likely I'm done having children. I woke up from the surgery crying and asked for him right away. He was there holding my hand and kissing and stroking my forehead. I said he could have his paternity test now but he said he was never serious about that, it just didn't make sense to him and he was hurting. He can't stop apologizing for his behavior and has said over and over that while he was complaining, deep down he really wanted to hold his son or daughter and was looking forward to all the baby smells, the soft skin, the coos, etc.

Thank you for the advice. Perhaps one day I'll return here to share advice on how I got through my first divorce and it's issues. I learned a lot then. But for now I have my best friend back and things seem better.

Thank you for your support.

m.

My deepest sympathy.

I am so glad that your H has once again proven to be the loving man of high character that you married.

I was sure from your description that he was in there somewhere.

Blessings to you.

WH2LE

And it just DOES suck. no question. Again, life. Sigh.

Oh, mtelli, I'm so sorry! {{{mtelli and husband}}}

I think you have a great husband. Better keep him!