i recently got a call from another woman accusing my wife of having an affair with her husband who is 14 years younger than my wife. they met horseback riding and she goes just about every weekend. there are times that i have gone but i obviously didn't go enough. i found hundreds of phone calls and text messages between them. when i confronted her about it all she said they were just friends. the next day she told me that she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore and hadn't been for several years and wanted a divorce. she told me she had given me all kinds of hints but i didn't notice them. i asked her why didn't just tell me we were in trouble and she said she'd been hoping i would have an affair so she wouldn't have to hurt me. i asked her to cut off all communication with this guy but she hasn't. a couple of years ago she told me she wasn't in love with me but i thought we had sorted it all out. she then told me that i dropped the ball on our "date nights" and i did in some ways when i would ask her to do things she wasn't always willing to do them so i just stopped asking. she talking about filing in a couple of weeks. we are civil to one another and have agreed to do the right thing for the children we have 2 children and i don't want a divorce. my therapist told me to give her space and be patient and to let her go horseback riding even though i know she sees this guy when she goes. i'm doing my best to be patient. she did tell me that her therapist told her the "grass isn't greener" she went on to tell me there might be a tiny shread of love left but that most of it is gone. there have been times when she has come to me for hugs and we even had passionate kisses the night we discussed the divorce. she says we were friend before we married and need to stay friends even though it appears we are headed for a divorce. we have been married 10 years and i'm not sure what i should be doing other than giving her space. i welcome any advice or feedback as to what i should be doing to try and save my marriage. she won't agree to do marriage counseling together as she acts like she's too far gone for that. whenever i bring up that we need to work it out she won't even talk about it so i've been waiting on her to let me know when she ready to discuss what we need to do. she's going back to horse camp this weekend and i'm sure he'll be there when she comes home i'm in a place where i'm ready to tell her i'm tired of living this way and i'm ready to get on with the big D and get the 90 day cooling off period started because i'm emotionally and physically exhausted with it all. i look forward to your opinions. not sure i'm doing the right thing or not. this whole thing started August 2nd.
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idontwantadivorce

Expose. You have proof of the A right? Expose to friends, family, co workers whoever.

Thats a typical line a WS will say "Im in love with you but not in love with you" Its BS. Shes in an A.

She needs to NC the OM regardless if shes ready for the D lane or not. Its the right and respectful thing to do.

It's slow here at night so be patient. I think this thread will fairly light up tomorrow.

This is the wayward spouse Holy Grail line that means, "I am commiting adultery."


This is also a classic standard line. I was told the same.

I was told the EXACT same thing. It's a pile of crap and trys to put all the blame on you. She is telling you she was forced to commit adultery because you could not pick up hints?

There's one to put right in the all time classics of wayward fog spewage.

She is clearly in a full aduterous relationship and I believe it is probably a sexual one.

The right thing for you to do is to fight to protect the children and yourself from what is about to become a very nasty time of your life. This is tough, but you have to get a plan fast. If you do not believe anything else I post to you please believe this; You need to act now.

Time to get a new therapist because this is STUPID advice. She wants space so she can have sex with another man while you do nothing.

Personally, if she goes to that camp, I would tell her she is not welcome back into the house. Secure your finances and consult an attorney NOW. She needs to hear that boundry now and you must be willing to enforce it. Be calm and cool like a gunfighter.

Are her parents near? If they are and if she goes just pack her stuff and deliver it to them.

Do NOT leave the house. She is the adulteress. If anyone leaves, it must be her.

Tell her if she wants a D you are going fight for everything including full custody of the kids. It will shock her to discover adultery has consequences. Make it loud and clear that your children will never be exposed to her 14 year younger OM. NEVER! Are there AOA laws in your state?

Expose now to everyone that can support you with what is going on.

Time to stand up and fight for your marriage and your kids. You must make it clear right now there is not room for three of you in your marriage.

Understand this now, you are in a fight. It won't just go away or get better if you just sit and hope. Hope is not a PLAN! But remember when you choose to fight you must understand and accept the risk of failure. Don't let that FEAR guide your decisions. In this game, you must be willing to lose what you want most to have any chance to win.

Does the OM work at this place or is he a customer? If he works there, propose a law suit to the owners tomorrow.

Believe it or not, everything I have told you here will be help to save your marriage. She will get angry. She will say nasty vicious things, but the marriage can survive that. It can not survive ongoing adultery.

Call her back and tell her she is correct they are commiting adultery. Then coordinate a nuclear exposure of the adultery from both sides.

And call him tomorrow and ask him directly what his intentions are with your wife. He will say they are just friends and you must tell him if he is desiring to remain your wife's "friend" you are about to become his worst nightmare of his life. Gunfighter cool.

He may likley also may tell you, "Dude, I had no idea she was married. I am out Dude. Don't worry about me Dude!" And he will be a LIAR! NOTHING your WW or the POS OM say will be the truth. They LIE about everything. Hear me again; They LIE about everything.

Understand that your wayward wife really believes to her core right now that there will be a happy future with this POS, 14-year younger married dirt ball and that you will be "amicable" to help her achieve it. Make it clear now you will be as "amicable" as a starving lion fighting for the last remains of the wildebeest.

When a wayward wife has withdrawn from her husband and enters a romantic relationship with another man (and in your WW’s mind she has), her husband is now sitting outside the marital castle walls and the draw bridge is drawn. Sitting on the bank of the moat hoping and watching “patiently” will not get you back into the castle. You have to prepare to both siege AND ASSAULT the castle. Does that sound stupid and melodramatic? It’s not. You are at war and frankly losing RIGHT NOW!

Your therapist understands this like I understand quantum physics. Not at all! But unlike him/her, me and so many others here did have to fight this battle. Some lost, some won. But 100% of those who waited patiently as per your therapist’s advice, lost.


Yep. You are 50% responsible for the current state of the marriage and the subsequent vulnerability to adultery. She is 100% responsibe for the CHOICE to commit adultery against her WHOLE family. You did not get a vote! The kids did not get a vote. You all would have voted NO! Her choice. Her consequence!

I am sorry you are here friend but you have come to a place of people who have been there and done that. Please trust us.

I feel your pain. I am going through the same situation. My wife is a horse trainer. She is having an affair with a 50 year old man (she's 35) with no job, no money, no teeth, 3 dui's on his record, an alcoholic, AND is her 2nd cousin.

What you need to do is FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT! Take the offensive! Turns out, this second cousin of hers is a PRO. He has gone into about 5-6 families and absolutly destroyed them.

Around the end of June, the OM was SUED off his father's place. With nowhere to go, he called my wife and she invited him to stay in our tenent house in exchange for work around the farm.

I now suspect something might have been going on between the two of them for a while before he came to our place.

WIthin 2 days, my wife literally turned on me. Within two days, we were fighting almost everyday. On July 25th, I got a vasectomy - this was planned and talked about for several years. Two days later she game me the standard lines of someone having an affair and said she wasn't sure where the marriage is heading. Up to this point, the OM was the friend helping us out. After she gave me the "I am not in love with you" line, everytime the WW and I would get into an intimate conversation, he would come in and have her help him with the horses. Basically, he would purposely cut off any chance we had to reconnect.

On August 19th, I found them naked in bed together. I got the camera to get the proof. 4 hours later, the OM had my wife slap a Protection From Abuse order on me. In my state, you can file one without any proof. It is absurd. Basaically, I can not contact her, can not go onto my property, can not see my kids.

I immediatly contacted her family (I am very close to the inlaws). This has destroyed my family, and is destroying hers. The lies and revisionist history coming from her are amazing. At this point there is not much hope for us - too much damage has been done.

Up until the point that I had proof of the affair, the WW had me bamboozled so much that I thought everything that was wrong was my fault. If I knew about the tactics back in July, this situation may have turned out much different.

IDWD

Listen, listen, listen to Chrisner.

He is dead on right. Its counterintuitive I know, so many newly betrayed spouses end up here and do the opposite of what is being advised with disasterous results.

Please listen. It will give you the best shot at recovering your M and if you decide that is not what you want it will put you in a place of control in ending the marriage

IDWAD,

Read this over and over again until it sinks in.

This is why YOU must act NOW and not "give her time and space."

Exposure right now will be your greatest weapon not only against the affair but also against all the trauma your kids are going to experience. Assuming OM's wife already knows, since she called you, let your wife's family know, her friends and anybody else that can influence her to end this ridiculous relationship.

And do try to stay on one thread so people can answer you without having to go back and find your last question or your answer to it before posting to you...

Your wife's affair is absolutely TYPICAL in all regards. All wayward wives think they have found the great love of their lives and usually OM is merely a POS with enough time on his hands to romance other guys' wives.

Get a plan together NOW and begin to act before it's too late.

Mark

Heard it
Heard it
Heard it
Heard it.

Your story is my story and that of hundreds of others on the site. The last one is the kicker... sort of a way for them to feel less guilty about breaking up the family.

I missed my wifes EN's for years. I admit it.

There is NO WAY she should be going horseback riding. Your MC is nuts, find a new one.

Start to PLAN A. Read up on PLAN A/PLAN B on the site and do it! You need to meet her EN's starting NOW. Asking her to talk about it now or trying to work things out with her by talking now WILL NOT WORK. I wasted weeks of recovery time trying. Just be nice, be civil and PLAN A....it worked for me!

And the advice to EXPOSE jointly with the OM's wife is an excellent idea. Do it. She is in a fog and you are on an emotional roller coaster. Most posters here have gone through it and are thinking clearly.

IDWAD,

I wanted to point out that your title for this thread answers a bunch of questions you might be thinking about.

She's not in love...

There's another guy...

The first is BECAUSE of the second.

It is BECAUSE there is another guy that she is talking, acting and even FEELING like this.

While your marriage might not have been perfect and you might have missed all sorts of stuff along the way
the PROBLEM IS the AFFAIR.

Anything else can be fixed but only without a third person in the marriage. Nothing can be better until OM is GONE from your marriage.

Mark

The other posters have given you the best advice possible to break up this affair and SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. Your therapist is giving you dreadful advice that will harm your marriage by facilitating the affair. No one who was experienced in adultery would tell you to give her "space." That will work against you.

I would get Surviving an Affair and read it this weekend. If you can't find it in the bookstore, order it on this website. I will put some key links below that you should read, in addition to Dr Harley's video, which is excellent.

Additionally, if you can afford it, I would strongly suggest getting coaching with Steve Harley. He understands the dynamics of adultery and will give you a PLAN to save your marriage. He is worth every penny and won't waste a second of your time with nonsense.

Can you send the OMW here also?


How to Survive Infidelity

What Are Plan A and Plan B?

DNWD, I hope you are still here.


She does this so you will go quietly into the night and become a "friendly" co-parent and support and enable her adultery.

Don't fall for this. She is just buying time with it. Let her know that if this is her plan, her "friend" is about to become the equivalent of a pissed off wounded Grizzly Bear. And she's the one who stuck it in the [censored] with a penknife.

There is a very common theme among the many former wayward wives that this board is so blessed to have. That is, the beginning of their wake up call from this self imposed nightmare began when their betrayed husbands manned-up, stood up and in no uncertain terms proudly made it firm and clear, that there is no room for another man in his life or his kid’s life.

Wayward wives have NO respect for their betrayed husbands. Start getting that back today.

Chrisner is right, this is wayward speak for 'please don't scream while I stick the knife in because it hurts my ears.' She wants you to bend over and take it without complaint. She wants you to COOPERATE with your own demise.

But, if you cooperate with someone whose intent is to destroy your marriage and your children's family, you will end up with a ..........destroyed marriage. Her affair is very temporary, but divorce is permanent, so DON'T COOPERATE.

Let her know that you will countersue on the grounds of ADULTERY and have the OM called into court to give testimony under oath. You will try for full custody and possession of the house since she is an unfit parent right now. She will have SECOND THOUGHTS if you let her know that a) you will not be her "friend" and b) you will not EVER cooperate in a divorce.

DNWD,

How old are you and WW?

What are your children's ages?

This started for you around August 2nd? So I am guessing you have lost around 10-20 pounds by now?

Take care of yourself. Eat right and get some excercise. Your children need you.

Need a haircut? Need to step a little closer to the shaver? Still wearing tee shirts around the house?

It's time to look good, dress good, smell good. Time to become the guy you were 10-years ago when you first married.

A guy any reasonable woman would like in a husband.

No begging. No sniveling. Don't follow her around the house. No incesent, "I love yous." No talking about "the relationship."

Smile. Laugh. Be a little aloof. Step up in taking care of the house.

As Holmes would tell Watson, "The game is afoot!"

You got a lot of good advice from melody, chrisner and other's.
Follow it.
Expose to OMW ASAP.
Do not leave your home.
Tell WW you will fight divorce and all as you have been told on how to do this in previous posts.

“It is an approved maxim in war, never do what the enemy wishes you to do, for this reason alone he desires it.”
– Napoleon I


She wishes you to be amicable and cooperate.

She wishes you to be neglectful of her emotional needs. It fuels and justifies her decisions.

She wishes you have angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments. It fuels and justifies her decisions.

She wishes you to be needy, clingy, depressed and pathetic. It fuels and justifies her decisions.

And most of all, she wishes you will keep the adultery, "Your little secret."

Go with Napoleon on this one.

Dayum, chris. You're on FIRE !!!

You're getting great advise, IDWAD. Keep the big picture in mind and do your best to let the little stuff go. Don't take what your wayward wife says to heart - they'll say the meanest things to get you to react so they can justify their affair.

Keep what you learn here under wraps from her and just WORK it. No amount of attempting to educate the waywards ever works. Work on yourself and become (or continue to be) a man whom you can admire.

You are in the right place to recover yourself and your marriage.

Hey Cowgirl! Yep, this one hits the old, "Too close to home." nerve for me.

Especially the, “I have been unhappy for years and have been sending you tiny unperceivable non-verbal messages for years but you were too stupid and now it’s too late.”

Yeah, right.

And when IDWAD’s wife finally concedes (and it takes about five of these concessions to get less than half the truth) to some level of an affair she will tell him instantly, “My relationship with OM and the state of the marriage have NOTHING to do with each other.”

Yeah, right.

We all heard that one, right?

Everything Chrisner said. Everything.

yep...

not2fun

Hey IDWAD.

I hope you are still here.

It gets very slow here on the weekend but post if you can. I probably am out until Monday.

Good luck and read, read, read.

Get the Book Surviving an Affair as soon as possible.

chrisner

i am 47 my wife is 44. our children are ages 9 and 17.

i am at my breaking point and she is out of town again this weekend and when she returns i have asked for a meeting. and frankly i'm ready to tell her if she wants the divorce let's get our 90 "cooling off" period going. i am at the point that i refuse to live this way and i'm not sure this is the right thing to do or not. so i welcome any advice from you all. i'm finally at the point that i'm angry and frustrated with it all. I have tried to apply Plan A as soon as this all happened and she wouldn't agree to stop contact. I am not going to move out of my house no matter what. i plan to tell her in a calm and steady voice that i'm worn out with this whole affair and of course she continues to deny there is one "oh, we're just friends". i'm tired of being played a fool and paying her expense while she has the affair. part of me feels that if i let her know i'm done with this whole thing that perhaps it will wake her up. because up till now i've been letting her know i don't want to end our marriage and have learned i've been doing the wrong things. i feel like by telling her i'm done that i'm finally standing up for myself. i hope when i post this that it will garner replies.