i'm writing this to anyone who is willing to share their regrets that they got a divorce or stories of friends who regret leaving their marriage. i'm looking for perspective for myself and to try and share with my wife who wants a divorce. we have two childern 9 & 16. i would love to have detailed stories of life after leaving the marriage and how it affected everyone involved.

thank you,

Did you not read chrisner's excellent post to you?....and all the others who agreed with his advice. Please read it carefully: and follow it...NOW... You are sounding like a pathetic loser. You need to pick up you boot straps and act...NOW. This is war.

Wouldn't you rather hear stories from folks who saved their marriages from the ravages of an affair? We would rather help you save your marriage, if you are willing to listen to anything we have said. Are you willing to listen to us?

Divorce is just an empty threat your wife has used to manipulate you into submission. She has not filed for divorce. It is just TALK, and talk is CHEAP coming from a WS.

The biggest mistake you are making is listening to your wife's WORDS. Your wife is out of her mind right now so her words are meaningless. She is intoxicated on the high of an addictive affair. Trying to reason with her is the same as trying to reason with a falling down drunk. It will get you NOWHERE.

The only effective thing you can do is to cause as much conflict as possible in the affair. Once her affair is ended, you CAN reason with her. But you have to do everything in your power to separate her from the source of the addiction FIRST.

For example, exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer in an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure hastens its death and ruins the fantasy.

ican't, we can't help you if won't listen to us. We have SAVED our marriages. Focusing on divorce horror stories won't get you anywhere.

Not to mention the fact that her divorce threat is most likely a threat to scare you into silence while she conducts her affair. Most never even bother.

Do you want some help? Or are we talking to our hands?

Is there such a thing as divorce with no regrets? I don't think so.

IDWAD, let me ask you this: How would you feel watching your kids grow up in a spit home knowing you didn't do everything you could to try and save the M?

Your choice, idontwantadivorc. She is either worth fighting for or she isn't. Either way, there is no easy road. What are you prepared to do?

i know you all are right. i'm just fed up with this whole thing and am to the point that i want it to end and move on with my life. but then i have moments where i think of how it will affect my sons and myself and it just destroys me. i only wanted stories of regrets to share with her in hopes of it helping her see the light and realize what she is doing. but you are right she's drunk on the emotional high she's getting from this affair. i do want help and i am listening tell me how to save it. i've been reading and continue to read everything on the site to help save my marriage.

thank you all for you support.

love and peace!

Actually, IDWAD, you haven't. Plan A is not about her - it is about you. It is about being the best person you can be and exposing the A. D or no D, you should Plan A.

Her A will eventually end - do you really think that their match was made in heaven? The trick is to end it sooner rather than later and exposure is your best weapon. You already have an ally in this - the PSOM's W.

Telling her stories of regret is like giving stories of "regret" to a falling down drunk.

Have you READ the posts on this thread yet so you can develop a PLAN OF ACTION?

Are you ready to get to work?

IDWAD,

Have you read the Q&A columns about infidelity? How to survive infidelity.

In the Musings thread linked in my sig line I have some discussion of Plan A on the first couple of pages. I also have some links on pages 4, 5 and 6 that were of help to me when I got here.

Imagine you're a pitcher and you are facing a guy that has knocked everything out of the ballpark that is even close to the strike zone for the past week. You know you can't just throw it by him and make him miss three pitches in a row, so you try to get him to swing at something out of the strike zone. You throw it down and away and he just watches it go by...

Do you:

A) Groove one down the middle to see how far he can hit it
B) Hit him between the shoulder blades with a heater and at least keep him on the bases
C) Call the coach out of the dugout and tell him you don't want to pitch any more
D) Pick another spot and try again

If you give up you stand no chance. If you walk him you have tried. If you groove one, he wins and if you walk away you will forever be marked as a loser, not by others, but by yourself, because you gave up with out a fight. If you plunk him you will not only have him on base but will also set your team up for retaliation.

So...

A) You can give up without a fight and just let OM have your wife (Which will eventually result in her not only not being married to you but not being married to him either since statistically they stand about as much chance as the winner of the Little League world series striking out Aramis Ramirez.)
B) Seek revenge by making her and OM both as miserable as possible thereby setting yourself up to be retaliated against later
C) Just walk away and resign yourself to being at best an every other weekend Dad and watching your son grow up in a home with a mother that has a different boyfriend every couple of months.
D)Learn about Plan A and devise a specific plan that will let you fight for your marriage and family till you win or lose but without giving up.

Just like your plan to attack the power hitter late in the game, your plan to save your marriage right now doesn't have anything to do with your opponent. What OM does or does not do or what your wife does or does not do has no bearing of what YOU can do. You only have control of yourself and so you have to do things on purpose that will give you the best chance of saving your marriage. What you do has nothing to do with what she does or does not do right now.

Batter up!

Mark

Dude:

She is in a MF'ing FOG. NOTHING you can say will get through to her. I did this too. Sat her down and went through the LOGICAL reason why we should work it out. Common Sense, Logic, Reasoning and so on does not work right now. Her EMOTIONS are in control.

Listen to what we have all been telling you. I am proof that it can work!

IDWAD,

Hello and sorry you are here. Take a deep breath and breathe. YOu are going to go through ALL kinds of emotions....this is normal and around here we call it the roller-coaster.

Now, you are getting some great advice. Continue to listen to it. Read all that you can on here and more. Go buy "Surviving an Affair" NOW. It is basically what this whole forum is based on. It will be like your bible. Without it NONE of what we say will make a whole lot of sense to you.....

As far as being fed up well, honey we all got that way MANY MANY times during our ordeals. And just when you can't take any more, you can go into Plan B....BUT you are not ready for that yet..(I cannot tell you how many times I cried and whined over wanting to give up and go into Plan B....If I had, well, I would never had the oppertunity to break up my H's affair....).

I also see that you aren't really understanding what we around here call the FOG. It is the mean, hateful, justified reasonings that your WW will give you for why she wants a divorce or she is doing this. YOu haven't even gotten to the worst of it yet....Most of what she has said thus far is the SAME THINGS we all have heard one time or another. You will find as you read on here just how COMMON the waywards behave and how COMMON is what they say. We call it the "Wayward Script". Lala, a former wayward wife, wrote a great thread on "The Wayward Mind". It talks all about the fog and what they are thinking and going through......I will bump for you....

Now, as far as looking for stories of divorce's that people did and now regret around here. You won't really find them. Why??? Because MOST everyone on here that DID get divorced did so AFTER they Plan A'ed and B'ed for quite some time. Believer is a member who comes to mind. She filed for divorce AFTER 4 yrs of the A and after she had worked the Plans. She doesn't regret it....why?? Because she can look at herself in the mirror and say she did EVERYTHING she could to make her marriage work. Can you say the same????....And quite honestly, a month is not even close to it.....

Now, you need to acquaint yourself with Plan A.....Mark gave you a start and provided you with some links....READ READ READ THEM....and then make a plan. And as far as yelling, screaming, pleading and crying with your wife??? Well, its not your job to educate her. Don't even bother, you will just waste your energy, come away mad and angry, and it will not make her suddenly "see the light" or that "come to Jesus" result you so desperately want....

Look, I feel for ya. I was where you are nearly a year ago. It sucks and it will get suckier.....but there is hope and MB. Come here every time you are angry or upset or need help. There will always be someone around. And while you are at it...you can read some of the people's older threads who also came here like you and survived and recovered their marriages. You need those stories to get you through the day....

You have Mel, Mark, and others helping you...they are among the best. That, my friend, is all the "story" you need right now....

not2fun

IDWAD,

Ok, WHO is paying for these out-of-town trips and for the horseback riding stuff??? YOu??? If so buddy, you should DEFINATELY put a stop to that. See, the thing is you CANNOT make her stop her A but you can make it darn hard for it to continue.....also, you have this man's number, call him. Let him KNOW you know what is going on and what exactly he will be dealing with if he continues. Well, I take that back...before you do this you need to get ALL and any information about this guy....This is relatively easy to do. Snoop Snoop Snoop Snoop.....THEN make your move......

Does this man live in your area??? If not, this will make your battle much easier.....

not2fun

I agree with Melody and the rest. Several people here urged me to expose. I was a little slow, and got several 2x4s for it. Thank you Mel and others for the 2x4s and for urging me to expose, I needed that. When I exposed, it stopped.
-WNH

excuse my ignorance but i'm not sure what you me by 2X4's?

he doesn't live near us about 125 miles away. but i know they talk everyday. i do pay all the bills as i am the main bread winner she only has a part time job. i'm to the place that i'm ready to tell her let's start the 90 day cooling off period because i'm worn out she told me a few weeks back she was filing the week of Oct. the 6th so that by January we could start the proceedings. we have no plan on how we'll divide anything yet or a firm parenting plan part of my reason for bringing up that we need to get rolling this because i'm sick and tired of it and am ready to get on with my life. i feel like a yo-yo and don't get any respect. i did confront this guy the night i was informed about the A but he denied it and said they were only friends but i know it's more. i found another cell phone recently and confronted her about it. she got angry and said she needed it for her privacy. she has a very toxic friend who's going through and awful D and her friend is just feeding my wife's fire.

she's wanting the house and i really don't see how she can hope to qualifiy for a loan without a job especially if she's wanting to start the proceedings in Jan. I don't want the divorce but i feel like i need to put my foot down and say ok if you want this i'm ready because i'm sick of this way of living and i refuse to continue it. it's affecting my health, my work, my relationship with my children and i know it's only been two months but she says it's been two years since she's been in love with me.

i've order Surviving an Affair and bought divorce busters yesterday and am reading that and everything on this site. Is there a detailed link for Plan A & Plan B.

i also wanted to see if anyone had read Homer McDonald's Stop Your Divorce. If so What are the 3 statements he suggest to turn your marriage around. if anyone knows please post.

i hope i'm not rambling too much i'm so new to all this and want to do the right thing.

i've been as nice as i can be to my WW never have i raised my voice or cussed her i been such and emotional wreck. i have been better the last week or so and that's what's prompted me to tell her let's get on with it. Up til now all she thinks is that i won't take any action but i feel like if i put it out there that i'm ready to get the 90 days going perhaps she'll be surprised, i don't know what to do it's so damn confusing.

IDWAD,

Slow down......take a breather....Life will not come crashing down all around you if you do that....

Now, 2x4's are basically a name for "a smack in the head". It's what you get when you come on here and whine about what "she" is doing, "her" continueing in her affair, and basically for not doing what we tell you you NEED to do in order to end this affair.

Now answer me this....DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE OR DON'T YOU???

In you post above you say you want to start this process because you are sick of this, you are tired of the disrespect, and honestly, if that is what you want that is fine. No one here would fault you for that. No one would blame you for that. Some people are not made to stay married after infidelity and you may be very well one of those people. BUT..... then you state how you ordered "Surviving An Affair", are reading "Divorce Busters" and then asking for a detailed outline on Plan A and B....not to mention your ID name...

So, personally, I don't think you want a divorce, but in the maylay of the storm about you and the fact that your world has come crashing down around you....well, its only natural to teeter and totter....

From what you have posted, you have EXCELLENT chances of getting this affair to end. You just need to make up a plan and execute it.....

and you are very early in all of this.....But you will eventually get there....in the mean time, I have bumped up some old threads to help ya out.....

not2fun

i really don't want a divorce. but i have moments when i'm split down the middle. half of me wants to be patient and work it out the other half get it over with. i appreciate your help and will read the links. i welcome all the advice i can get as i'm really confused. i don't want to lose my family or hurt my children.

one of the earlier posters suggested i call him and ask him what his intentions with my wife are which i think is good. i also thought about telling him i was going to sue him for his role in the breakdown of my marriage but he's not worth the money or time for that thought it might just scare the pos.

teetering and tottering

Look man, the first thing you need to understand is that what you are going through while traumatic and while it causes you to hurt like he// is not something totally unique.

There are many of us here who have experienced this same panic and fear of what will happen. But you can't let it paralyze you into inaction and you can't let it take away your hope for recovery.

Your wife is saying and doing the exact same things nearly every single wayward wife has done and said throughout history. She is not unique; her affair is not unique and your situation is not unique. You have to keep that in mind. When people give you advice around here it is based on a couple of things. First of all it is based on Dr Harley's methods and secondly it is based on their own experience with the same thing you are going through.

Here's the thing you have to do if you want to save your marriage...

First of all, learn as much about this POS as you can. Find his family, his parents, his best friend etc. Then begin exposing this miserable excuse for a human being and your wife to anyone who might be able to put pressure on the affair in any way.

Though your in-laws already know to some degree, it wouldn't hurt to sit down with them to let them know that you still love your wife and want to fight for her and the marriage.

Also expose to her friends that might frown on her having an affair.

Tell POS OM's family, friends etc so they can pressure the affair from another side.

DO NOT threaten to expose or tell either of them you are going to expose. This will only give them time to spin what you are going to say to others and make you into an insane jealous wacko.

When you expose you have to realize that you will not be embraced openly by your wayward wife. She will not be angry, she will be livid! She will chew up spikes and spit thumbtacks. You have NEVER seen her as angry and vindictive as she will be...She will tell you she was thinking about reconciliation but now you have blown any chance she considered giving you. Ignore her ranting.

Expose anyway! Ignore the roaring of the addict who is having their drug threatened. That is what she is right now, an addict and she will not take lightly your threatening of her source.

Do nothing to finance the affair. Pay for no trips to visit OM or baby sitters so that she can go to be with him.

DO step up and begin taking the lead in caring for your kids. They need at least one parent that is stable and setting a good example for later in life and right now your wife is a very poor example.

DO examine your own behavior to identify Love Busters (Those things that withdraw units from her love bank) These include Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgments, Independent Behavior and others, but these are the big three IMO. Stop doing these things as much as you have control over. Do not lash out at her in anger. Do not call her names. Do not make it appear that you have given up and want nothing to do with her. At the same time, do not smother her or tell her "ILY" every 15 seconds.

Identify her top Emotional Needs and begin to meet them as much as she allows. You have to place your own ENs on hold for right now and concentrate on hers. But you have to do it without being a doormat. You don't have to accept the affair but you don't need to scream and shout at her about it all the time.

Your goal is for her to feel safe, secure and full of warm fuzzies when she is with you while making it ever more difficult for OM to do anything for her. You don't have to accept the affair, but you don't have to demand she change instantly either. You do what you need to do while attempting to make life hell in Affairland.

Skip trying to teach her, tell her or train her about anything at all. She wont listen anyway.

Think of it like this:

Never try to teach a pig to dance. It wastes your time and irritates the heck out of the pig...

Show her by your actions that you can and will meet her ENs going forward while making the affair less and less attractive by exposure and by making it harder for her to meet OM. If she uses a cell phone that you pay for to contact him, shut it off. When she asks why tell her that you will not pay to help the demise of your marriage. Expect her to say "Don't you get it? Our marriage is over. It's been over for years..." Trust me. It will be almost word for word...

You don't have to talk to her about fixing the marriage or any of that stuff right now. You have to win her back by your actions. Your words will mean nothing and it will be what you do that will make a difference.

Do these things for about 3 months and if she shows signs of ending the affair consider three more. If the affair ends and she stays with you the really hard part starts and you must avoid trying to fix it overnight. Bottom line, prepare for about two years of hell, give or take a few weeks.

I can't tell you that you will recover your marriage, but I can tell you that if you do the right things you stand a better chance than if you don't do those things.

Mark

Hang in there. I did the same thing. I told myself that I did not need my WW and I can do better. The truth was I loved her vey much, saw that I missed her EN's and I wanted to save my marriage. As much as I tried to hate her, I could not.

If you want to remain married, follow the advice you have gotten here.

DO NOT FILE FOR DIVORCE! Just like sitting her down and lecturing her will not change her mind, neither will having someone serve her with divorce papers. She is NOT going o say to herself "Oh my, I better snap out of this".

My WW filed for D and that was the worst thing for saving our marriage. Attorneys are on your side because you pay them. It is in their nature to FIGHT TO WIN. They are NOT interested in your marriage, they are interested in making money. They are not interested in you resolving the issues. Thankfully, WW and I dropped the D and from that day forward, LB's stopped, R began and things are progressing well.

PLAN A and EXPOSE. Call the OM and TELL him to stay away from your W. Make it as difficult as you can for her to continue seeing him. Tell her best friends, sisters, parents etc. You need to do this so when she goes and complains to them that she is the poor "victim" in this loveless marraige, they will not give her the emotional support she is seeking. PLAN A and EXPOSE.

If you want to recover your marriage, please listen to these folks. Everyone thinks their sitch is somehow different, but all find out (some too late) that it isn't. It's wierd how all affairs play out exactly the same. In most cases, recovering the M seems to be dependent on how the BS plays the game. Follow the troops here, and you'll be fine.

I know that you are disgusted. We were all there, but don't go down without a fight because one day you will regret that you didn't stand up like a man.

If the OM is that much younger than your WW, well, he's just a kid. Have one of your bouncer friends go give him a little talk about broken knee caps or something. Seems you ought to be able to scare that little weasel off pretty easily.

CL,

You crack me up sometimes...

Mark

ditto Mark, CrushedJim and Chailover. Time to get to work, friend! If you want to win this, then you need to get STRATEGIC and SMART, not insane and emotional. If you calm yourself down and stick to a PLAN, you will have a huge advantage over them. They have no plan and are operating on PURE warped emotion.

Do you want to try and win or are you going to lay there and take bullets?