In our relationship, I was in charge of everything. She would not even voice an opinion, because that was her nature. I used to plead with her to get more involved. Her family was very close knit and mine is not. She moved straight with me.

I talked to her today, and said "you are still my wife, keep the phone under your name, however just use our account to pay it". She is not working and in school, so she would have to depend on her parents. I straight out asked her, why she is doing this and she said the following:

1. I dont feel right using your money, its not fair.
2. I need to learn how to manage my own things.

I sort of confused.

How old is she? 20s? 30s?

Actually, you would see a lot of stories like yours here if you read them all. It is VERY common for the woman to go along with the man, acquiesce to him, for a variety of reasons, and then reach a point where she starts to wonder who she is. Men are used to taking charge, making decisions, knowing they're right. Women, not as much. So they tend to get 'lost' in their marriage, give up their own thoughts and wants. Then they reach a crisis point where they need to reconnect with themselves.

It's the main reason so many women divorce their husbands after the kids grow up. They've spent 20-30 years being something for everyone else, they need to relearn themselves.

If you interact with her, ask her opinion on things. Ask her to do things for you. Ask her to make decisions on things. If you get back together, ask her to plan your next vacation together. Ask her to plan your next date. Ask her about her schoolwork, and actually care about it. Make her a real person.

Shes in her mid 20's. She has been busy with school, and it longer then she wanted. I just dont know, if she is doing this to prove to herself that she doesnt need me in her life. I never once said she could not have anything or said its "my" money. I am really worried about this, cuz its another tie that she severed.

I always wanted her to take charge for things, cuz it was coming to the point where I could not handle it. She just would not do it.

Even now, she isnt working so her parents will pay for her phone. It makes me really sad to think of that. I dont want her to feel helpless cuz she doesnt have money. I have said it all along that it is still our money.

Oh yeah, so we talked for 1.5 hours yesterday and then I called today to confirm what the phone situation was. Then she ended the call by saying, "we have to go back to what it was like last week"... which means no contact. Should I be offended? It took a lot out of me to not contact her for a week. I am still prepared to do that. She is way too busy with school to even think about contacting me anyways.

You'll impress her more if you honor her request. One, let her concentrate on school, but stay present in her life; make sure she realizes you're still expecting to be married to her. Do NOT just say ok, it was nice knowing you. Don't give up. I don't think she wants that. I think she just wants to be equal and adult.

Two, now is a perfect time for you to start thinking about yourself. What do you do that is for you? Sports? Clubs? Hobbies? Friends? You need to show her that you have a life outside of just her. Seeing you step back and let her breathe will go a long way toward being able to trust you and make you look more attractive.

HI

My goal is to let her concentrate on school. But there are two concerns:

1. She may get offered a job there, and she said she would take it because its an opprotunity that she cant pass up. I did not even bring up us, because the school thing is her number 1, she said.

2. How should I still be present in her life, i am not going to give up.

I am working out now, and have found religion again, (it was absent since we got married). And honestly I am a different person now, mentally. i think more clearly and see things differently. this is in direct relation to working out. The fact that I did not contact her for 6 six days, was a first for us, and I will keep that going, because her expectation is that I will keep calling her. I dont even have her new number, because I deleted it. I want to avoid the tempation.

I am really having a tough time.....we last talked two days ago, and are continuing the NC, at her request. The last time we talked I cried alot and was telling about things I have learned. She was listening but did not really say anything, except: "I know you probally think I have not done anything towards fixing things"....thats where I interuptted and said "no, no" not at all. What I really wanted to say was "yeah I know, your being immature about this, and really cold to me", you cant even call the counsellar to talk, even though I have laid it all out for you to contact her. But if I said that, it would have been like my old self, and that person I want to dissapear.

I am just feeling really rejected and lost, like there is on point in fighting to be with her.

Will it help to consider you're only talking about 2 or 3 weeks in a lifetime of 70-80 years? If you can get past this hurdle, and both learn from it, and work your way into a relationship that both of you thrive in, imagine living the next 50 years together. A month or two would be worth it, right?

We aren't born knowing relationship stuff. We either learn it kicking or screaming along the way, or we get smart and get help so we avoid as much pain as possible. Consider yourself one of the smart ones, for having sought help.

You'll get there.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I, too, went through a similar situation over the summer. Time passes so slow and one day of not hearing from her is pure torture, much less a whole week or month at that. I am not a veteran on this site, but I learned quite a bit through my own experience and from the same people that are helping you now. A few things I would like to share with you:

As hard as it might be, try to forget about being "together". It's apparent you aren't living together and you aren't really a "couple" either at this time. I know you want her back more than anything, but focus on YOU!! Do stuff you have always wanted to, learn a new hobby, exercise, volunteer. Getting out of the house was my best mood booster in the world during our separtion. Use this site whenever you need, but also build a local support group. Try to find non-hostile friends and family to help you. My friends constantly bashed my wife while she was gone and only fed my pain, anger, and sent my mind into places I thought it would never go. Also, my mother fed the Affair Conspiracy down my throat every chance that she got. If you are getting that, get rid of it. It doesn't help.

Keep in mind though, it is a possibility that there is someone else. Small towns, reputations, distance never matter during an affair. If they know it is ruining a marraige and family, nothing will stop them. Do your snooping, but no stalking or anything crazy. If you don't find anything, drop it, untill she proves to you something is up. I pushed this issue so far, I about blew my last chance.

Think about you more than anything. If there is any chance on this working, it is gonna take a lot of time and work on your part. Fix YOU. That's all you can do. Were you not giving her enough attention, too verbally abusive such as I was? Not only that, but think about the things she has done to you and the marriage. Is this really what you want and is it worth it? If it is then read on. Give her the space she is asking for. Painful to you, but helpful to her. Showing up uninvited is the wrong answer. Wait for her to show you clues on when she wants you around. Don't be needy around her. If you do tell her you love her, don't expect an answer back. At first it will hurt, but then you will realize that you are letting her know that you love her unconditionally, and you want nothing in return. She will see it.

Too much run on talk for me right now, but just try to look out for yourself right now. If she rushes back right now, I bet that it will be the same, if not worse, a few months down the road.

Thanks....


Its been really tough today, feel real dejected and hopeless. Wife still has not contacted counsellar, shes to busy with work. There is still no contact this week, as per her wishes. I saw the counsellar again, and they are putting on a workshop next month, where the couples actively participate. It would benefit us so much. I will eventually ask her maybe, closer to the date, if she could come down for that. Here is how the counsellar said to appraoch it: "Tell your wife that this workshop is something that I need need to attend, it will help me deal with a lot of things in my life"....could you please come down for it?

I really dont think she will come, but its worth a try. So here I am left with my thoughts, and really feeling sad. I do wonder if she even thinks about me at all. I mean its five years, we were together. I just think that she has her family with her and is doing things for herself, then why remember me?

Does she think about you? I bet you she thinks about you more than you would believe right now. I am sure she is using her friends/family to take her mind off of you. My wife finally admitted to me that even though she wanted "no contact", she was so ticked off when I finally quit calling her and chasing her.

Counseling for you right now is a great thing. For her? Only she knows that. At first my wife left saying "WE NEED COUNSELING!!!!" When I had set up the appointment, she yelled at me and said she was not ever going to go and that we were "completely done, forever". If you do ask, only do it once, and make sure it doesn't sound like you are forcing it on her. I haven't read all of the previous post, just skimmed through them, but have you tried reading? I was never that type, but it helped me during the separation. Try "Hope for the Separated". I will warn you though, the books you may find on separation all have an "ultimate" goal, which is hopefully reuniting you and your wife. But, as you read into them, the only hope you have right now, is fixing yourself. Not only to help your marriage, but to make you emotionally strong enough to cope through a possible divorce. You MUST, and I repeat, MUST, become independently stable, physically and emotionally if you want this to work out. I am sorry, but crying, whining, begging, pleading, NOTHING like that will work once they have left. Remember though, it doesn't seem like it now, but only YOU can make YOU happy, she only added to your life. Get that back first, then work on the relationship. Keep your head up tomorrow, there is light at the end of this dark tunnel.

well its friday today, it has been a tough week. I feel real sad. The weekend is here, so she will have two days off. She did contact me last weekend after five days of no contact. Even though the contact was to soley change our cell phones, the counsellar said it was still contact. The counsellar also said this weekend will be interesting as well, to see if contact is made. I have a gut feeling that she will not contact me. If she does not then I will have to accept it. I just dont know anymore, I dont think she wants it to work, and her family is probally on the same boat.

I am starting my journal as well, its going include my feelings about "us" and my thoughts about how our relationship is related to a book that I am reading.

I walk around in such a lost state. I just cant believe that someone that once loved me, can let me suffer like this.

{{isn}}}

I think that some day, when her fog wears off, she will wonder the same thing.

Do you mean, wonder about me letting her suffer?

I was driving with a coworker today, and we pulled up beside my wife's, sister's husband, so her brother in law. So I waved and smiled at him. What did he do? He gave me a look. I could not figure out if it was an angry look or a confused look. anways I felt a bit crappy because I dont know what he thinks,and I dont really care...

No, silly. She'll wonder how she could have done this to you. She'll be mortified and ashamed. Some people never do, but others reach that point where their morality kicks in. One can hope.

So here I am its Saturday night, I really thought she would have called. How can I trust that I am doing the right things to work towards us getting back. I am finally giving her the space, and making changes in my life. I wish that she could see me now, because I am different person then I was before. I am not sure if I mentioned it before, but my counsellar came up with an idea. In one month there is workshop that they are having, and after reading the book about the talk they give, I was blown away, because our marriage was everywhere in the book. Our problems became quite evident to me. Now I have read it, she hasnt. The workshop is interactive for the couples. We do activities and things that will help us see our relationship in a different way. Now I just need to figure out how to get her in town to attend. I just know that this is something that we need.

Every part of the book, spelled out the exact things that we were doing wrong. This workshop will use this books ideas. But I am the only one ready to go.

Got a call today. Quite surprised. The talk was really good. She finally said that she misses me. We talked for an hour. However it ended on a sour note. She wont come back to live with my parents. I live with them, because they need someone to be here to help with things. Age and health reasons. I tried telling her that we should not be talking about this, until we are more solid. However she would not budge. She has made it clear that she cannot live here. So I think we need to comprimise. I will not abandon them. So we will have to come up with a system that will still enable me to help them out. And that will mean making visits and doing things for them. I can work it out with my family so someone will be here to help them at all times. Is this fair? I am willing to budge on most things, and I hope that this is a comprimise? I mean, I have issues with her family as well, however I wont be pushing her to end the relationship with them.

Did she mention the reason why she doesn't want to live with them?

Do you all eat together?
How do you divide household tasks?
Do you have time as a couple, or just family time?
Is it a shared room in their house or do they live in yours?

Hear her complaints and use them to reflect on changes that you need to make to accommodate her concerns. They will be hard to hear but could really make the difference.

My parents are introverted and there were games being played between my mom and her. My wife said she needs her own space a being able to have some control. There is only one kitchen and living room. We basically used to do our own thing. I will be the first to admit that there were issues. However because things were so bad between us, even the little things would become a huge fight. I just think that once we become solid, then we have to at least give it a chance. If we leave it will have a negative effect on me. We live rent free, and dont have to worry about our dogs. There are pros and cons. I just have a feeling that if our relationship was better, then we could have done better at home. we both became terrible people because of the way things were between us.