Yes, I definately resemble that description! Wish I didn't, but I do!


That is EXACTLY what I wanted to have happen. It didn't.

Steve told me that Drac is 'uneducated' - why would I be surprised that when he acts in an uneducated manner?? They need to WANT to be educated. It requires some desire on their part to see/agree that recovery IS possible. Without a proper education, most can't/don't believe it is remotely possible, thus they continue on their merry self justified lives.

Good morning, all


I think some of them don't even realize that education is an option. To some of them, life just is what it is. You can't fix it, you're not really an "owner" in it, it just happens to you.

Some also don't realize that you can heal without recovering the marriage.

WxH could make amends with me and not have to marry me all over again. I could forgive him and still move on with my life.

I agree, sdguy, I think this is My Get Out of Jail Free Card, too. I'm not up for the turmoil anymore. I refuse to carry him and I am certain that is what would happen if he were to return and I was to agree to reconcile.

I just can't do it anymore.

I'd love to see him heal and mend some of those bridges, though.

I think that is years out. Long after DDs and I have found a way to do it without him.

Fox

Yeah, that is what I found. X never apologized for the turmoil and destruction but he began being decent and it was easy for me to forgive and go on.

It's a slow burnout, IMO. The embers of justification take a long time to die. The Z had the opportunity to become educated--with Jennifer or Steve. He chose not to. That, in and of itself, was a huge clue that it would be, in the least, an uphill battle to recover. I was STILL willing to give it a go, though.

Now... not so much (actually not at all).

I do have a get out of purgatory, um, I mean, JAIL, free card, and am cashing it in. I still have a wee bit of hope that, someday, the Z will have his epiphany, for his sake, for his kid's sake. It really is of no concern to me, personally, anymore. I won't damage myself any more than I already have for this marriage. These last three years have taken their toll--quite literally aged me.

Good thing is, I'm able to get some of that back. I'm exercising and eating much better these days. Dropping some more poundage, and looking fit. I feel great! Hope I can keep this up thru the winter. If my sister ever starts bringing home good money, we may actually be able to fit some skiing day trips in. THAT would be a hoot and a half.

You guys are definitely on to something. With my DH, after the 1st affair ended, I clapped my hands in glee thinking, "this was IT"... he was waking up and coming home. Wrong. After the 2nd affair ended, I wasn't so gleeful, certainly wary, but still thinking he would "wake up". Didn't happen.

It still took awhile for him to get there. Even when he first came home, it wasn't until he started reaching out to get some personal healing, that he was able to even think about healing us. After that, it came like a flood... the guilt, the horror, the regrets.

What happened with my DH was a longshot. It could have gone either way. He could have chosen to continue on with his downslide. I thank God everyday that he didn't and that our love has returned completely.

But on the other hand, it was also my choice to let him back in. At the time, I didn't know anything about MB. I just know I was weak and weary and uneducated.

If I had to do it over again... hard to say, knowing what I know now.

No response from the SCQ to my last email. Shocking.

As tempting as the Get Out of Jail Free card strategy seems sometimes, I can't say that I'm there yet. I still believe what I said in my last email to the SCQ and want to keep that philosophy at least until the judge signs the papers.

The answer to my question about why do I want to pick up that burden again came to me yesterday afternoon. Because I took a vow, for better or for worse.

I look around at some of the cases here, though, and see people who I think should grab that Get Out of Jail Free card and run with it. InHisCare (with the Bulldozer of Stupidity) was one of those, and I always felt it's what poor StillHurting should do. I expect it's how Sis feels now.

Right here with you SD..

Well, I feel like a schmo, because I took the same vow, and I cannot uphold it now. I filed for divorce. I made that move, even though i said I wouldn't. I don't want to know the Z anymore. He's a stranger, even if that's just the waywardness getting in his way.

I guess I'm just not strong enough, or more uncaring, but I felt like I was being abused for the last three years. I have had my breaking point, I can bend no more. I never shoulda been doing that in the first place. Lessons that took a long time to learn.

I would have seen EARLIER that the Z was too far gone, had I stopped bending every time he blew in like a breeze and out right back out again.

I dunno. I'm in a different place, I suppose, having so many false recoveries and dealing with multiple infidelities. That statment of "I can't do this anymore" was the straw...

Oops. Sorry, I should have included you in the "Should Give Up Now" club, SL. Or should I say the Dynamic Unilateral Matrices Prove That Helium Enhances Zoos club.

You did everything you could and more, SL. You suffered horrifically, especially with the last false recovery. BR would say that you have more than earned your divorce. I'm relieved that you are Done and like hearing about how good you feel and the relief you're experiencing, so please don't start getting introspective or beating yourself up or feeling defensive because of what I said.

Everyone's road is different. There are no One Size Fits All approaches.

Oh, that was just too fun.

One thing I'm really happy about, is that I'm okay with people disagreeing with me divorcing. If they don't like it, that's okay. They have their own shoes to walk in and their own mirrors to have to peer in. My reflection looks fine and dandy, and about 6lbs lighter and two inches around the waist smaller.

SD,

You are a kind and caring man... who shows courage and integrity in the face of adversity.... and I am so sorry that SCQ can't see what she is giving up...for her, the kids, and you.

You are a rare pearl.

I don't post much, but want you to know that I appreciate the 'sharing' on your thread. It is extremely helpful to many of us here.

(((((((((SD))))))))

Thanks very much for your kind words, Luna. And to all who read here.

I just heard from my lawyer that he has received the corrected MSA, and it's ready for signature. We made an appointment for Friday, which just happens to be my 16th wedding anniversary.

It's cool.

I've always been a big fan of irony and have to step back and admire it at work sometimes.

Okay, that's wierd.


How long does it take the courts to finalize?

pat on the back, friend.

After all, my x wanted the divorce...he strayed, he wanted it, he moved out, he was antagonistic, I just had to fend for myself and heal to the point I could cope. So, I filed on his birthday. I couldn't think of anything he would rather have.+

I admire you, you know.

All you long term plan Ber's have amazing testicular fortitude

It sucks - no doubt about it.


Fox

I love your attitude about the irony. You are so much more kind than I.

My immediate thought was to sign it, put in in a box, wrap it in really pretty anniversary paper, top it would a beautiful bow to deliver to her personally,,,,,,,,,,,

Oh - - did I forget to mention the big steaming pile of poo that should be sitting on top of the signed MSA in the box? Don't forget that special touch!!

SD,

I'm with ya...

Everyone has a different BULL $HIT threshold. And when you reach yours... you know it... and you say "Enough is enough”

BTW.... What’s SCQ?

It's not a what, it's a WHO? It's SD's WW--Stand for Sippy Cup Queen.

You'll have to go back quite a few pages to catch up. There was a sippy cup incident in which Guy did not use the appropriate autoclave settings, etc. and so on... :crosseyedcrazy:

I was inspired to actually go find the post, and it was on March 26 of last year. Page 38 of my thread, which now has 240 pages? Unreal. Has it really been this long?

It's worth reading mostly for Chrisner's responses:

How the SCQ Got Her Name