VL,

I am so glad that TST came to "visit". Please listen to him, we don't get many FWHs here. His advice is golden.

Your WH said that OW was convenient, you don't want him with you just because it's convenient.

I need some advice for my children. MY WH has an apartment - he moved out the OW's house beginning of Sept. Our girls are asking me where is daddy living? They want to come over to his place and spent the night there.

Anyone in this situation? I don't know if this is a good idea right now. I don't know if they will get confused if we ever reconcile our marriage. I have never been here and I don't know what the right answer or the right thing to do.

I would like to see his apartment as well and the girls are entitle to know where he is staying. I am really confused and not sure what to do at this point.

Anyone know anything about facebook? I accidentally guessed his password to his private email account and found out the OW is still in contact with him through facebook. He recently registered a few days ago and he lied to me again about NC with the OW. They took a trip to Boston 3 weeks ago.

I have put my temp court hearing on hold because I thought MC would help us. We had 2 sessions already and our 3rd one is this coming Wed. He doesn't know that I have accessed his email and facebook. It turned out he used the same password for both.

Tst and Jean and Charlotte - you are right and correct with your advice for me. It is a false recovery on his part. He lied to me and to the MC so I need to either continue with the divorce proceeding. I don't think I can go dark back to PlanB if I'm pursuing the divorce. I still have to communicate with the kids visitation and lawyer's issues, etc... I want to give it to him this Wed and let him know that I have accessed his email and his facebook account but at the same time I want to keep it quiet to check on him. I want to let him know that he lied to me again but at the same time I want to keep it to myself to check on him. What do y'all think?

Charlotte - how long can you drag the divorce out in TX? I read it somewhere about a year correct?

Hmmm, is the MC court ordered?

You can file for divorce, get all the finances and visitation spelled out and go DARK, DARK, DARK. If you have the visitation dealt with, there is no reason for you to speak to him. Your lawyer can handle all the bickering.

Now, if you are REALLY ready to do a plan B, you don't need his facebook info. You should assume that he is still banging OW until further notice.

Please, do not do another attempt at plan B without meaning it, you will lose all credibility.

Is there anyone who can help you with the kid swap? I had grandma watch the kids, I dropped them off, WH picked them up and we never saw each other (for the record, I didn't go into planB, WH decided to planB me).

You need him to see what divorce really looks like, everything spelled out in black and white.

Why couldn't you do planB before, how did he keep getting to you? How can you prevent that again.

He will continue the affair and you will be the long suffering wife until YOU change the dynamics.

If the MC is court ordered, then play nicey nice until you can get into a planB. It doesn't matter about the facebook, he never had any intention of stopping his affair at this point.

Hi VL,

VL

I'm sorry to hear this new news. This is one time I DON'T like being right. But I couldn't shake the feeling, you know?

Yes, in TX you can drag it out for quite some time. Looks like mine is going to end up dragging out for over a year. Probably more since Gray didn't help me with inventory. Plus, I don't know what date Shiny is going to pick for trial because he hasn't picked it yet. LOL! (OC gave him the choice on the date except for one day that OC was busy.)

You can ask your attorney to delay. That is what I was told to do, so I did, but as it turns out, he was so busy anyway that it ended up that way. Then he did it again so I would get more spousal support.

I think princess meggy's was dragged out quite a while too, but I don't recall how long right of the top of my head.

Hang in there!

Charlotte

Thanks Charlotte, I might have to find another attorney to handle my case. The one I have right now his background is more of a criminal lawyer so the petition that he draft up was more of a criminal divorce petition and I'm afraid my D decree will look like that as well.

There were some questions that he couldn't give me advice to and financial aspects of support he couldn't give me straight answer. The problem is now I have to start all over again and see who I can find - I just don't know alot of people here to ask for references.

Jean - my PlanB was weak before because I don't know anyone to be my mediator for kids' visitation. His parents are here but they want to stay out of it. I can arrange for him to pick up the girls but I would see him though even if I let them wait by the door when he comes to pick them up. It's dark but not completely as far as far as him seeing me. I don't know any other way of doing it though.

VL,

a few quick questions.......

Are your finances "legally" secured? (is he under court order to pay you child support and spousal support)

Can you give me a break down as to what the financial arrangements look like? (joint accounts, savings accounts, automatic deposits, etc.)
I don't want any dollar amounts, just the arrangements, but please be specific. (ie. automatic payment weekly into joint checking account, etc.)


How old are your kids?

Do you have a church you attend or did attend in your town?

You're welcome, VL.

Dang! I so wish you lived in my area! I would have you covered in a heartbeat as far as that goes. Shiny is a wonderful divorce/family attorney and he is well-versed in the law.

I have seen him in action protecting children, too. He does NOT stop until it is taken care of--not even when the 5 o'clock whistle blows!

My prayers are with you that you find a good protector for you and your children.

Charlotte

Tst, yes it is secured - a letter was sent to his lawyer stating everything remains the same for now as far as what he gives me monthly from his paycheck. He under strict order not to move $$$ around either without my consent. I drop the temp hearing because supposedly we are seeing MC but I haven't drop the D suit. But now found out he's still in contact with OW.

Auto Dep paycheck biweekly into our joint act (but he has not touch it under strict order), but he went an open a separate act since the A started. He refused to disclose to me his act. It was stated in the letter from my Attorney that he has to disclose all financial stated back since Jan 2007 but he hasn't - I ask him twice he ignored to talk about it. I will get it one way or another but I just didn't want my attorney to supeona it - if he's truly sincere in working our M - he would have given it to me already.

His own checking act that he's paying for rent for his apartment etc... He admitted that he takes a portion from his paycheck and deposited into his own act. But I found out he sold some his Co. stocks and deposit the amount somewhere else. I kept a copy of that transaction and he doesnt' know about it - I had power of attorney he gave rights to me last year and did not revoke it because he doesn't remember it. So I took it down to his bank and ask for copies of all statements since Jan 07 when he opened it and the amount of stocks he got did not show up in that account.

I also don't know if he had done the same thing last year when the A started in Sept 06. I just went thru some taxes papers and found out he sold some additional stocks last year around the end of Aug. and it did not get deposit into our joint act. He has another act somewhere setup that I don't know about and I don't even know where to begin.

I do attend church every Sunday with my girls (8 and 6). I don't know a lot of people and I don't spend time with other people except enjoy my time with my kids.

You've done a great job of securing your finances.

I think a very dark Plan B is necessary at this point. I know that the last one was very weak because you did not have an intermediary in place. That is critical for Plan B to work.

An intermediary's role is to protect you from the drama of the affair by filtering all the WSs fog babble and only passing on to you pertinent information regarding finances or the children. This person will know what your requirements for returning home are and will be sure that WS is willing to meet them before passing any possible reconciliation information to you.

Often the intermediary is also the person that passes the children from one parent to the other. BUT this task could be handled by someone else (reliable neighbor, family member, church member, friend)

If you were to do that, the intermediary could then even be someone who is not local. All correspondence could be through email and phone.

Brainstorm a little bit about who could do this for you. It does need to be someone willing to learn about Plan B.

Think about this a little bit and post your thoughts.

You'll also want to start considering what you would require of him before allowing him back into your life (path back home). Refer back to the list I posted you earlier as an example. And read the Plan B information on this site and in SAA.

Post your Plan B letter rough draft here before giving it to him.

Don't go into a panic mode on this. You have time. It is VERY IMPORTANT to have your ducks in a row BEFORE you deliver the Plan B letter. Until then, Plan A.

tst,

The problem now is the A is in full-bloom. The OW posted all of their pictures together on her facebook and her profile status stated "IN A RELATIONSHIP". She has let everyone know about the two of them together after the day I filed for "D". She sure didn't waste anytime to let everyone know that they are a couple now. I accidentally guessed his password to his email and found out he had an account with facebook and I logged in with the same password and I was right.

The funniest thing is he left his profile blank on facebook. He set his privacy so that people can't find him that he's a member of facebook and only friends he added to his and hers will only know that he existed. So that was odd for him to do that since she publicly let everyone know that they are together.

I think he told her that we're already D. I won't do PlanB anymore because he is doing it now. He stopped talking to me since Friday and has not even returned phone call to our daughters that they have left two msgs on his cell. He didn't bother to show up yesterday to my daughter's bday - not even have the courtesy to call and let me know that he couldn't come. My daughter asked him on Thurs to come and he said "YEs".

So I'm afraid going dark with PlanB will not help me at all. He accepted that he will give me "D" and mentioned to the MC why is the D taking too long.

I am so tempted to go back into his facebook account and post a "NC Letter" to her so that everyone know that he is still a married man - so that way all her friends and families she added to her account can read the message. I don't know if I should do that. MY family said "It's not worth it" - She doesn't seem to care about breaking up our family and taking my H away. BUt again my H made a decision to cheat.

SO this is where I am right now tst - I don't know if PlanB will work anymore and give into the "D" so I can have peace in my life. Or will he ever wake up one day and realized what he had missed out. Should I post a msg on facebook to her so everyone will know. I wouldn't know what to say.

VL,

Please don't take offense, but from what I can see, you have never done a proper planB.

Do you get the purpose for planB?
1. To remove you from the triangle for your own sanity. You do not concern yourself at all with anything WH is doing. You open the "cage" and let him go, go, go.
2. To put OW in a position to meet ALL of WH's needs. Statistics show that OW will fail.

Doing a "soft" plan B only prolongs your pain and probably prolongs the affair. Your WH can pick and choose from you and OW. When OW gets under his skin, he'll talk to you. When you start getting to close to home, he runs off to OW.

From what you have posted to TST, your finances are secure, as far your monthly bills and such. (The lawyers can find the hidden dough).

The other big planB pitfall is your children. You need a schedule for visitation. Maybe get the kids a cheap-o cell phone so they can call Dad themselves. Even if you have no mediator, you can send the kids out to the front porch, Dad picks them up, no need to see or talk to you.

It would be best if someone could run interference for any kid related messages that do need to be passed (illness, schedule changes, medications etc).

Your message to WH needs to be "I love you, I want our marriage, but I will NOT tolerate your OW in our families lives any more, here are the conditions you must meet to be a part of my life".

You may think your WH will accept an easy divorce. I believe he will accept that if he thinks he can keep you on a string in case OW doesn't pan out. You are his WIFE, not a back-up plan.

Listen to TST, he can teach you how a planB affects a WH.

All of this concerns me. Your husband IS shifting money and as long as there are no temporary orders to stop him, he is within his rights. A letter from an attorney is not enforceable. There needs to be an ORDER from the Judge.

Get your temporary hearing back on the docket. If need be, find another attorney who is a little more experienced in these matters. Whatever attorney fees you expend, your husband can be made to reiburse those later on. Most attorneys know this and will be willing to take your case if they know there is money out there.

Your husband suddenly going dark on you also concerns me. Not showing up for his daughter's birthday makes me angry!

Seriously, you need to get proactive, otherwise you're going to find yourself divorced and left with nothing. Please, please, please, get on this right away.

PM brings up some very valid points. Can you do this?

A WS can't Plan B. They hide. It's NOT the same thing.

Plan B is about protecting YOU from any further emotional abuse. It's about preserving any love you still have left for WS, so that if/when they do defog, you still have feelings for them.






The destruction he causes in his relationship with his children is just another consequence to his affair. It's not something you can control. The best you can do is STEP OUT OF THE WAY and allow him to suffer the consequences. It's another benefit to Plan B. You won't be in the way of natural consequences.





Yes it WILL help you. It will protect you from the drama and abuse.




I said the same crap to SMB. I asked her why the dissolution was taking so long. If it was that important, I could have filed myself. I just wanted her to be the bad guy.





It would not be appropriate to do a no contact letter on facebook. But it would be fine to go on there and EXPOSE THE AFFAIR.

Something that does not look vindictive. Something like this:

WS and OW are involved in an adulterous affair that has been going on for XX months. WS is married and has two children. I love my husband very much and I am working to save my marriage and my children's family.






You have every right to divorce if you choose. But a solid, dark Plan B will bring some peace into your life while you wait out the affair. It's your choice.





Yes, it is quite possible that he will one day wake up. Almost all affairs end. As the fog clears, the WS is slammed with the destruction. I know, that's what happened to me.

Yes I did have the lawyer enforced the temp hearing back on schedule. I found out he lied to me about the tax refund. And he lied to his lawyer about it too - so his lawyer is up for a big surprised. So we're due in court soon.

I'm afraid I don't know if going dark on this PlanB will help. I read Dr. Harley's book that there is a possible chance that some will not come out of it and I am prepared for it whether one way or another. The A is one year officially - It stated that usually "A" last about 2 yrs. SO I'm not sure I can drag out the D that long to wait out until the A died of natural causes.

I want to be soooo optimistic and hopeful that PlanB will keep me sane and peace in my life while the "A" continue but I have come to term that today this is not my WH.

He's not the same man I knew once. He lied - disrespect me - betrayed me - blamed me - left me the burden to take care of my daughters while I can't barely take care of myself at times.

He hasn't talk to them for a week. Does not help my oldest one with her science project when he promised that he would. She cried when leaving a msg on his cell phone. She asked me "WHY is daddy mad at you?" They both think I'm the one who drove him away. Because I am always the person who have to find an answer to their question about my WH. So I am the bad one in this family.

Because when they see him - he showered them with gifts as if nothing is wrong - they enjoyed their time with him - and forget being sad and missing him when he's not here - But when he's gone - I get the blame and sadness from them.

It's been hard - It's not easy - I'm hoping one day they can get a better understanding of why - I told them as honestly and openly about our situation - about the affair - but they're still too young to understand it though.

I've been following your thread, how are you doing?

Hi there, It's been a wrecked - thank you for asking and checking up on me. Actually we have not been in contact for about 3 wks already.

I went back to facebook after I called my lawyer to freeze the IRS refund $$$ from his account. He's going to transfer that $$$ into our joint account and under court ordered that we both can't touch it.

The OW removed all of their pictures together and changed her profile to "SINGLE". But my WH and OW have not removed each other's as friends on facebook. Everyone was wondering if the A is still going on. I don't know at this point since I have not talked to him since.

He actually had his lawyer faxed over 32 pages document for temporary child support and spousal support. He's trying to low ball me on temp spousal support and said that he's letting me stayed in the home, I can have custody of the kids, he's requesting visitation rights every other week to see the kids, etc... all the legal jargon. Requesting that I keep everything the same, pay all the same bills, etc... I was so angry - I told my lawyer how is he expecting me to pay everything the same and cutting back what he gives me temporarily. So my lawyer is trying to keep everything the same as for spousal support, etc... He's buying time for now.

I just found out he created another name and has a profile in MATCH.COM. I got access to his private email account under a different name and go by a different name. Said he's divorced, has 2 kids living away from home, looking for someone who enjoys outdoor activities, going to new restaurants, and develop a good friendship to start. He posted his profile picture on there.

I read statistically - someone going thru so much and give up so much to start a relationship so soon - it doesn't last.... there will be problem down the road.

OMG! Has anyone husband living a double life? I feel like I don't know who this person anymore. I feel like he has already checked out of this M a long time ago.

So sorry for your pain, but all of us wonder if we ever knew our spouse. We all think they led "double" lives. It is so frustrating. The way to most men's reality and to shock them into reality is to hit them in the checkbook, so keep on keepin' on with the lawyers and keep his hand to the burner with his financial obligations. And they ARE HIS obligations. Don't back off. I recall back in the 70's, when my XWH's new wife called to ask me to erradicate child support for our child. She stated that they felt that the child support they paid was "just keeping me in a new car" and that they could never afford one.
And it was all my fault!! I did use the info to my advantage and got him to allow my H to adopt our child and let him off the hook for thousands in back support. I even allowed continued visitation. That lasted only a few months til it didn't work out for HIM. I gave him the best of both worlds and he still wasn't happy. Haven't seen him for over 30 yrs. Thank you Jesus!! GF

My WH has mentioned to his lawyer that I'm keeping the girls away from him. That makes me so mad. I have tried and he never made time - his exercise training was more important before and his A was more a priority than his children and his wife.

So I have to comply to his attorney request that he has the girls every other weekend over his apartment. THey went just this past weekend - and it was hard for my oldest daughter. She cried nonstop ever since she was there and since she came back. I finally arrange my girls to see a counselor at school yesterday. IT helped some but she seemed to can not stop crying everytime.

On top of that - my WH is telling them false hope and saying to them that "Daddy and mommy are working on things" - yes we are but not what they're thinking. They blamed me that I made daddy moved out - he chose to go - I couldn't stop him.

She and I had a talk tonight before she went to bed and told me that daddy left her and her youngest sister at the apartment by themselves. I asked her what do you mean daddy left you and your little sister. She said - daddy told me that he had to go to a store to fix his TV and he'll be right back. He's not suppose to leave them - they're only 7 and 6 yrs. old. I have to bring this up to my lawyer to address this to his lawyer. That's is not right! Anyone know how the law to leaving the children home in TX?