I don't understand how this is not going to look clingy or desparate? What if he refuses to come home.

He has been talking about going to see her again in a couple of weeks in Virginia. Not only can we not afford this (credit card bill for surgery) but if I let him go again won't he think I'm just a dorrmat. That's how he's been treating me. He even tells me cute little things that she says or thinks.

I'm going crazy. I'm having trouble getting work done.

I didn't say BEG and PLEAD. I said to STATE that you want to work on your marriage. It's your choice. Your way, you've given up. He MAY refuse to come home but I doubt it. Where else will he go?


I'm not saying that you should tolerate this. You shouldn't listen to him talking about her or allow him to spend your money to visit her.

How can you work on getting yourself together? Do you have family and/or friends to turn to for continued support? I put my trust in GOD.

How can I stop him from using our money to go and see her? All of our accounts are joint. The only way that I can split the money away from him is to get a legal separation. In Tennessee if you get a separation you can not live together. If I tell him not to talk to her when I'm around he just gets mad and goes in another room or threatens to leave.

Yes, I have supportive friends but they all think he's gone crazy and I should throw him out.

He has not acknowledged any of things that I have tried to do for him.

Yesterday he told me that I should go out and get sex from another man.

He won't even look at me sexually. I think he is saving himself for her.

So what are you saying, Pumpkin? You want to end your marriage?

You have to THINK about what would work. Since your bank accounts are JOINT, you can withdraw money and put it into another account for safekeeping.

I would think that you need to SPEAK UP to him and tell him what your position is.

How does he get so far as to tell you to go out with another man if he KNOWS your position. I would look at him like he's nuts. "Why do you keep saying that to me? I told you I want to work on our marriage. I'm not going to change my mind on that".

Stop looking to HIM.

FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

No, I definitely want to save our marriage. It's just that he is acting crazy. I'm afraid that he's going to drive us into bankruptcy. I'm ordering the book right now. I'll try to call him on his phone. He probably won't answer. He was very angry. I don't know where he went. What do I do if he refuses to come home?

I just called. He didn't answer. I told him that I had no right to ask him to leave and that I just want him to come home. I said that I wanted to work on our marriage.I told him that I would leave him alone and let him keep trying work this whole thing out.

I don't think he'll come back though. He's been saying for weeks that he knew he was going to have to move out. He won't do anything that has to do with talking to her less.

Waywards ACT CRAZY.


Self-destruction is also another characteristic. PROTECT YOUR ASSETS however you can.


Leave a message.


He'll probably come home but DON'T BEG HIM. Just tell him you want him to come. Don't let him talk you out of your position of wanting him to come home. He wants to be able to BLAME YOU so he will feel JUSTIFIED.

I did leave a message. I've put the front porch light on. He hasn't called so maybe he'll just come home. I oedered the book from the store. This is so hard. I think I'll read the book of Job. There has to be plenty of parallels there.

Are you up every night Mimi?

No. There's a reason tonight.

Read Psalms. I found that to be comforting.

I am sorry Pumkin, it is similar what I went through last year. I will tell you, listen very carefully to what people on the board tell you and what you read on the books. I didnt, I tried to but I let my emotions get to me and I made it so much worse. Actually before I found MB I did the same thing as you and told him I wanted him to leave. He did, he drove 1500 miles right to the woman he met on the internet. I am sure your husband seems insane, I know mine did. I also know what it feels like to have them talking to their g/f right in front of you. I never felt such hurt. I did not protect my finances though, well I tried but all he had to do was ask me for money and I gave it to him trying to prove my love. So please learn from me, listen to everyone onhere.

Thanks for the support Dewdrop.

Well, you'll be proud of me Mimi. I sent him a text message this morning saying that If he came home I would leave him alone. He came back at 9:00. He came and sat me down in the greatroom. He said he was going to look for an apartment on Monday and that he was going to see a lawyer on Tuesday. I knew that this was a crucial moment.

So, I let him talk, I didn't cry or interupt him. When he finished talking he looked at me like he was ready for the crazy woman to come out.

I very calmly asked him if it would be ok if I said a few things. He said he guessed it was ok.

I told him that I understood that I couldn't convince him to do anything he did not want to. I said that it would not be good for him to go get an apartment or a lawyer.

I told him our house was as much his as mine and that he was welcome to stay.

I told him that if he wanted to live like roomates that was fine. However, roomates do not have joint accounts, buy each others food or wash their clothes.

He agreed to this and asked me what we could do? I told him he could open his own account and get his own credit card. I said that I would make an expense sheet showing all of our bills and show him his part. That way he could write me a check each payday for his part of the bills. This way we would each be controling our own money.

I told him that I did not think that it was fair for him to use my money on his girlfriend.

He agreed and said that the arrangment was fine with him and he was glad that I was finally coming to my senses (right!!!).

I know on the surface that this might seem negative but you don't know my husband.

He hates handling money. I've always done all of the money managment. He has no idea how much anything costs. When I showed him the expense sheet he agreed to everything. He thinks that he'll be able to do all of these trips and everything on the money he has left over.

He's crazy. He spent his whole monthly allotment in just a weekend.

When I was done I told him that I was glad that we were able to work everything out.

He asked me if we got divorced would we be able to swap cars back and forth (I guess a F-150 is not very romantic).

I told him no that I would never speak to him again.

He smiled and said that he liked my new kicka** attitude.

Let him put that in his pipe and smoke it.

He has no idea how to take care of himself. But guess who will still be there to pick up the pieces. ME:)

ABSOLUTELY, I AM PROUD!!



GREAT!!


Isn't it GREAT how YOU are IN CONTROL now, being able to KNOW his very next move because he is FOLLOWING THE WAYWARD SPOUSE SCRIPT that we have told you about?????


GIRL, YOU HAVE SOOOOO GOT IT, NOW!!! I LOVED what you had to say...


ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!!




Didn't I tell ya how they find this to be ATTRACTIVE?????


OK...now you're OFFICIALLY a GODDESS!!! Head up..chest out!!




ETA: My BELOVED grandmother used to call me "PUMPKIN"....

It is nice to have a good day for a change. I played with my dogs today, more smiles than tears. I think I'll go to church tomorrow. Talk to the big man and see what he has to say.

Funny story, at the end of "the talk" my husband said that he might go to church tomorrow. I asked wasn't he afraid he'd burst into flames? He started laughing and said maybe. Just 1 big poof. I suggested not standing to close to the holy water. We are Catholic after all, pretty big rules about this kind of thing.

Open a new account .... your name only & transfer as much $$$ as you can from the joint account into the new account. This is legal. Just don't spend any of it.

Call credit card companies where you hold a joint account .... cancel the credit cards. Keep any credit card where you are the only holder.

Have you called your priest yet?
If not, call him.
Tell him everything.
Ask the priest to make a house call.

You did a good job. The freaking out was really hard for me. I would take it and take it and then let him have it. Of course this just played into the other womens theory that I was crazy. Be careful about him coming to you with relationship advise. I was still my WH best friend, so for some reason he felt that it wouldnt hurt me.

BTW, my OW was in Virginia too. My husband couldnt find his way around town in the 10 yrs we were together, but he found his way ALL THE WAY to Virginia.

Well, Hubby went today and opened his own bank accounts. Within two weeks we should have all of our money separate. He made his own dinner and says he is feeling very independent. He has been much nicer since we agreed to separate our money. I think my handling all of the money was part of my over benefiting him. When I read Dr. Glass’s book Not just friends I really focused in on this section of the book.

I think that I was over benefiting him quite a bit in our relationship. He has said some things since the A was reveled that leads me to believe this is true. Once he said that he thought that I had taken too good of care of him.

Maybe this made him feel that I thought he was not capable. Any thoughts on this?

I realize that there is a risk in allowing him to create this independence. However, maybe it will allow him to feel that I do respect him.

He asked me to watch TV with him tonight. I told him that I did not want to intrude but, he said that he knew I liked the show and he didn’t see any reason we couldn’t watch it together.

No fights for 2 days. This has to be good. Progress?

TWO EMOTIONAL NEEDS that you are meeting today:

ADMIRATION and RECREATIONAL COMPANIONSHIP..absolutely take up his offer to watch television with him..in fact, just sit down beside him daily...

Here I am again. Yesterday I went to my therapy session. It makes me feel good that there is someone out there for whom I’m a primary concern.

When I got home WH told me that we had to talk. He went to lunch yesterday with a friend of ours that has been divorced twice. The first time he was the WH, second time (with OP) he was the BS.

I knew that this was going to be either really good or really bad. Well it was bad.

He convinced my WH that he couldn’t stay in the house. He told him that I would end up hating him and would throw all of his stuff out in the front yard in garbage bags before it was through. My hubby was very upset and crying. He said that he did not want me to end up hating him.

I listened very carefully. I then told him that there was no way that the depth of my love for him or my strength could be determined by someone else.

I told him that with his medical problems, depression and the money situation that I did not think it was a good idea for him to live alone.

I asked him if he thought that I was not handling the situation well. He said that he thought that I had been great and that he felt that my support of him while he is trying to decide what to do was very important.

Then I said I thought we should decide for ourselves what we should or should not do.

He said that he did feel that he was being unfair with me by staying and still talking to the OP.

I said that all that I had asked at this point was complete honesty and he said that he understood that and had told me everything up to this point.

For the first time, he admitted that he knew that the relationship was not going to work out but that he could not bring himself to end it.

I suggested that he go on MB and get in touch with some of the recovery WH’s there. I had e-mailed him Trueheart’s letter and he said that he read it.

We talked about the addiction part of the A. I told him that we supported my sister when her husband had a nervous breakdown because of drugs and that in a way this was no different.

He said that he felt better and made me promise to tell him if I started to hate him and wanted him to go.

I promised that I would but, that it was not today.

Mimi, I've been getting a lot of backup from God lately. The trip in November was canceled. He said that she told him that she couldn't met him until January at the earliest. He said that he thought that she might be getting ready to pull out of the relationship.

He also thanked me for being so supportive and strong at this time for him.

I think we've talked more in the last 4 days than the month before and all of the talks have been requested by him:)