isn, it is VERY hard to live with a MIL. Especially if she's playing games. And if she's introverted, playing games is probably the only way she ever gets what she wants.

So I can completely empathize with your wife. My MIL lived with us for the first 4 years of our marriage, and tho she was nice to me, I was NEVER comfortable. Why? I guess because my H had a different language with her than with me. At home, I had to discern if they were speaking their language, or if I was invited to join the conversation. Does that make sense?

What would it take to find a place near your parents? You could keep your dogs there and see them and your parents every day or other day, and yet still move forward with your life with your wife. That, IMO, would be the ultimate sign from you that you choose her. That you'll always be there for your parents, but you choose her.

She's giving you a great gift right now by telling you this. Don't blow it.

I would rather find a place near my parents, but to the cost she wont want to do that. So at the least I would be a 30 minute drive away. By moving out, it will make my life harder. I will have to commute and take care of things. I cannot leave everything to my brother. This will honestly turn my life upside down. Heres an example: My schedule lets me have more days off then the average person. So I am at home, and I can sweep, do errands and ensure my grandfather is okay. He is bed ridden and needs to be check on through the day. We do have nurses that come in three times a day for the care, but I still change him before bed, and change his position at night. I just cannot leave my family out to dry. my mother, needs help to transfer from the bed to the wheelchair, its been good, cuz either my brother, me or even my wife would do it. Actually my wife really did not do anything with regards to the family responsibilities. I would be cleaning my grandfather and my mom would need to go to bed, and I would end up doing it cuz my wife did not want to stuck in a conversation with her.

My soul is telling me that no matter what I cannot completly abandon them. I am thinking that my wife will have to comprimise. She will loose time with me, because of me having to go there to take care of things, and I will be seeing them regurarly, because even though they wont say it, they will miss us. Also if I have to been go back and forth, then this is something that she will have to get used to. She knew this from day one, and I am really angry because of this issue. I just slept for 15 hours, and did not go to work.

isn - catperson is right. You will lose your wife if you do not see, from her perspective, the problems with living with your family.

If you read this site you will see that Dr Harley recommends a minimum of 15 hours each week of undivided attention. "That's how much time it takes to meet the needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfilment and recreational companionship, four of your most important needs." "If your lifestyle prevents you from doing it now, your love for each other will eventually disappear, becuase you will not be able to meet each other's needs".

"The time you plan should be together and should not include children, relatives or friends. It should just be the two of you, so that you can give each other your undivided attention".

Does your situation at home allow you to give your WW the time you need together? Has your mother's games made living with your family impossible for your WW?

Your brother should definately be sharing the load or it might be time to consider a paid full time carer so that you can have your own life. What if you could have a carer take care of the night shifts so that you can spend time with your wife after work?

You will lose your wife if you do not ask about her issues and really hear and understand her.

"Does your situation at home allow you to give your WW the time you need together? Has your mother's games made living with your family impossible for your WW? "


By living at home, we actually have so much time together. But the problem is that we would always fight, and our relationship sucked. It was impossible for her to live here, before. But I think that once we become strong then she would be able to handle things here. I mean, our relationship sucked so bad. Even the most stupid things about my family would become an issue between us.

I even thought that we would move out for a few months, and become strong again, and then if we were ready we would move back. I mean financially and time wise, it would be better to live togehter. I really think our marriage was so bad, that everything in our lives became unbearable.

anyone?

Sorry, didn't see your post. As much as I'd like to tell you it would work out, I highly doubt it.

Tell me this. If you needed to go live with her parents - just ignore whatever their present status is - how long could you do it? How happy would you be? Be honest. If her mother wheedled away at your self-esteem, told you how to run your marriage, made you uncomfortable...how happy would you be? How likely would you be to move back in with her?

I'm not asking so that you can decide not to live with and/or take care of your parents. I'm asking because if you want to live with or take care of your parents, you will have to change the dynamics in which you do that. At least if you want your wife with you. You will have to accommodate what makes HER comfortable, and give it JUST AS MUCH weight as what makes YOU comfortable.

She's waiting to see you make that gesture. That proof that you love her more than anyone else. You're supposed to love your parents. But you're supposed to love your wife more, once you get married. Prove it to her.

Hi

I really do agree that we have to move out. Now here is the diliema. I will have to still help out with things here. And that will mean that I come here to do that. Not every day, but it maybe a few times a week or less. Is it fair for me to expect her to help me in any way possible. For me a husband and wife always support each other and will do anything to make the others life better. If I come here to clean up for example, then shouldnt she be here to help me? If she cant help me in lifes responsibilities then I must be totally off about what marital support is.

Well, I often see couples who sit down and negotiate how to get everything done. For instance, if your mom's car needed some repair, and she had some material and wanted to make some curtains, would it not make sense for you to work on the car while she made the curtains?

Or if your son needed to go to baseball practice but your mom needed a prescription filled, would it not make sense that one goes to the baseball practice and one takes care of the prescription?

If she was to sit on the couch and watch tv all night every time you go to your parents', sure, I'd expect her to help you.

But it's all relative, see?

My H expects me to be by his side all the time, being his gopher in everything he does, every time he starts up a project. But he never reciprocates by helping with all the house chores. If I don't help him he throws a fit, so I don't get my work done. So I end up washing clothes at midnight. (that said, I'm working on that boundary)

So you can't just say 'you have to help me take care of them if we move out so you're comfortable.' Does that make sense?

Have you discussed this with her?

Hi

Well I think that is right. We will have to negoiate things. But at the same should I have an expectation that she will be there beside when I need her. In the past, it was only me that did everything, and I mean everything. She would not be bothered. Now mind you that is probally because our relationship is so bad. She can also expect that I will always be there for her when she needs it. And I have proven that in the past, more then her.

I have not talked about it since the weekend. We are on NC, she has called me the last two weekends, and she brought up the living situation. I gave her several options, one being that we could reno one side of the basement so we would have our own space. To which she said no.

I really did not want to even talk about this until, she began counselling and sorted out our issues. She has had several weeks to talk to the counsellar by phone. She has talked once and that is it. Apparently shes too busy. I see the counsellar every week. I know for a fact I am at a different place then she is. I have taken so many positive steps, but she is still stuck back. Hence the NC. Even the counsellar said that we should only have the living situation conversation with the counsellar there. I cant even get her to call the counsellar

So thats where things stand. I basically expect my wife to go into battle with me for anything that may come up. And she can expect no less from me.

Oh yeah one more thing, I too wash the clothes at midnight...lol:)

Well, I don't know. Is there anything redeeming about her? Doesn't sound like it.

not sure what you mean?

You're full of DJs about her. Sounds like you don't even respect her. You certainly don't expect anything from her, which comes from seeing in the past that she didn't deliver. But this isn't about the past, is it? It's about using the knowledge you've gained here, in therapy, in general, to produce a NEW life, a better one. One in which you interact with her in a healthy way, you tell her what you need, you respectfully ask her to contribute and don't just go ahead and do all the work if she refuses - you go back and renegotiate respectfully, again. In other words, are you looking at this as a new opportunity and expecting her to engage in it with you? Or are you just saying she'll move home and you'll just go right back to the crap life you had before?

You have the power here, isn. You have knowledge, wisdom, a sense of purpose. You can accomplish anything. IF you use what you've learned and expect good things. If you expect the same ol' same ol', that's what you'll get.

Six days of NC. She broke it the last two weekends. Its saturday night, and Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. I am hurting so much inside. It feels like the way I felt when she left. It was our dogs birthday today, and she had told me that last week, no call...... I am going through emotions of anger and sadness. I know that I have to be strong, but it is very hard sometimes. I am dreading this coming week. I have so much on my plate right now, and my issue with my wife just tops it off. How can she be so cold?

I am about to blow up....I have to live with the sadness and stress everyday. She said she wants space, but contacted me the last two weekends. Now this weekend is over, and no contact. She said she misses me just one week ago, what has changed now? I am just slowly loosing it again.

I feel for you isn. Right now I'm struggling with some of the same feelings. But I think enough of the wanting to care about him is wearing off. He's so inconsiderate and self-centered he'll never be able to have a healthy relationship with a healthy woman. He cheated on & left me for another woman because I wouldn't give him sex everyday regardless of how he bothered to treat me - they got married and everything went to sh*t!! He'd married a closet alcoholic with multiple personality disorder & she always put her son ahead of him. Thankfully he got a good payback. Well, he had started back to counseling because of his anger/control issues (only to try I get over being "locked in prison in my own home") but once we started seeing each other again, he quit - again. Needless to say it wasn't long before he was back to his old self-centered, sh*tty ways. I know I can't take it anymore. But at the same time it still hurts.
Just tell yourself you did ur best, that you are worth someone that will treat you well and let her go. You'll end up feeling so much better!! It will be hard though. If you can just go cry it out and then remember to tell yourself, "I AM WORTH BEING TREATED WELL, AND I WILL FIND SOMEONE ONE DAY THAT WILL TREAT ME THAT WAY".
Hope you get to feeling some better soon!!

Best Wishes!
RMW

isn, the one thing you're missing here is that this situation - YOUR situation - is NOT about her. You need to see that.

YOUR life is now about you. Whether or not she ever becomes part of it is not in you. You don't control it.

What you DO control is how you live your life.

What are you doing to start thinking about your life instead of what she is doing with HER life?

Hello guys can I join the party.

I've been marred for 4yrs and my wife has never cared to much for sex. Of course I did not know this untill after we were married. I love here to death but I've been thinking of leaving here because I know if things stay this way I will cheat on her. I've scheduled us for counsoling several times but it seams that after our kid was born she is really not into sex. Once every two months is just not enough for me and I'm not even asking for sex everyday. Am I wrong for thinking of leaving my wife, our son is 8 mo. old and I do not want him to grow up in a broken home but I resent my wife for not wanting to have sex. Not on purpose it's just that if someone denys you so often you just begain not to even want to touch them. Is this normal help!!!!

MB, please start your own thread in Emotional Needs, so that people can help you.