MMM. Yes Steve is the expert and we pay him good money for his advice. Why not follow it? I was reluctant too about this LB questionnaire and brought it up with Steve the day before yesterday when i had my 2nd appointment with him. He said that yes, it is going to open up some wounds again but he sees that as necessary as you are showing him you are aware of what you did and that you are working on it. Steve told me i want to make sure I tell H that he will not see that behavior any longer. Whether or not he believes it right now it does not matter because i am going to show him. I should not focus so much on what he thinks right now. We know what our Hs think: that we will not change. The questionnaire is actually showing them what we are telling them: we are working on this stuff, we are working on our changes. we can't change what they think right now, we can change what we do.
Again, do what Steve tells you to do here MMM. Trust him on this (i have had my doubts about this too, believe me, but when Steve repeated AGAIN that it is important I told myself i was going to just do it and stop questioning it)
Also do it the was Steve suggested to you: meet H for coffee and give him the questionnaire. Use the same words Steve told you to use. Since you are not writing them down, saying them is going to sound more natural. Do not go over the questions orally with you H. Just give him the questionnaire. If H wants to go over them with you during the coffee meeting then fine, honor his choice.
One thing i am going to do today when i fill it out, is that i am going to use the space provided for each question, not more. I have to keep each question short but to the point. I can't write, for each question, a long essay. But that is my choice. Steve did not say how long or short each answer should be.

Steve told me to use as many examples as I could think of on the questionnaire. I typed mine because my handwriting has gone down hill in recent years.

Our cafeteria at work is closing tomorrow for installation of new furniture so I thought maybe I would ask my H for lunch. This may sound stupid but several months ago we had gone to a orchard in Canada and bought a whole bunch of jam -- my H loves to snack on toast and jam. I thought maybe of taking him some of the jars -- it will just go to waste otherwise -- because I can't eat that much.

I could bring the questionnaire with me and do what Steve originally told me to do.

MMM. I did not ask Steve for specifics on how to compile it but i am glad you did as it helps me. I am doing it as i type and this is what i put for one item of the DJ

Genoveffa felt that her opinion and vision was superior to H's and that she can even read minds. She was convinced she could straighten out H ‘cause she knows best and H had very poor judgment in her opinion. This thru time, prevented H from feeling at ease with expressing himself. He became more and more aware of the dangers of being himself and having an opinion which he learned to keep to himself. This created a limited amount of subjects the couple could address most of them general and vague and mostly always the same stuff.

What i did here I kept it in 3rd person and put all verbs in the past as I do not do any of this stuff right now, so i felt it was only fair to put it in the past.
What do you think?

IMHO, your husband is not ready to be presented the en questions at this time. I believe you will push him further away.

"This is not a ploy to “get you back”; I genuinely need to figure this out and make the necessary changes. Please let me know if you are willing to help."

Would be better as: I genuinely need to figure this out and make the necessary changes.

Medc, why would Steve Harley then advice her to do that if it were not the right time and would push H even further?

Now obviously I am not an expert BUT it sounds like you are saying how he felt as a result of your behavior instead of what the behaviors were. Does that make sense? I think putting things in the past tense is okay -- he may not notice consciously.

I guess I approached it a little different -- I got really specific. This is in response to the DJ one:

Nothing I do is good enough; criticizes my driving, accuses me of not caring about my physical appearance; joked about both of us being “[censored],” interrupts me, tunes me out, laughs at my opinions, sarcastic, mocks me, calls me names, accuses me of overreacting and being too sensitive, accuses me of not taking initiative, compares me to other men (neighbor, characters on tv)on occasion even jokingly - it hurts

P.S. I know this stuff is terrible -- please don't beat me up about it -- I am awfully ashamed of myself for my behavior and abuse. I sobbed as I filled out this survey -- I don't know why I couldn't see the damage I was doing. . .Oh, God, I was just so awful sometimes.

I suspect, as she has done here at times, that the abuse was downplayed.

Yes -- I share your concern -- my instincts say "don't do it" but I am frequently distorted in my thinking so it is difficult to trust myself at this time!

Part of my agrees with Tabby1 -- keep honoring his desire to not rehash the past. If we do get into recovery (God and H willing), then those things will come out -- in a calm and rational manner.

Thank you MMM, yes you are right..the questions ask for specific behavior: what does she typically do ...not... how does this make you feel. Thank you..see i can't even read! I am so into doing this right ..i was doing it all wrong!!!

OK Medc so what you are saying is that she did not tell Steve how abusive she was in M? well i had 2 sessions with Steve and i told him (and even emailed him before the session) to make sure he knew i was very very abusive with H and felt confident he would ask me for specifics. Well, Steve did not. He did not ask me for any details.

I don't remember how specific I got with Steve because we were only on the phone for 45 minutes and he covered a lot of ground. I did tell him that I was abusive and committed a lot of Love Busters for many years.

I took about 3 pages of typed notes from our call.

I'm not surprised.

Dealing with generalities is fairly easy.

Dealing with specifics and details takes work and involvment.

If you are able to, send Steve an email outlining the magnitude of your abuse. Tell him, because of this, you are hesitant to do the questionnaire at this time. See what he says.

Thank you for your feedback.

Well, that is VERY disappointing. WOW!

Is there a specific email address that will get to him? I don't remember him giving me anything like that.

someone here can probably help you. If not, email Justuss or call the coaching center to obtain the address.

FH, I think Steve's goal is to give you the MB tools that you will need to make changes and eventually save your marriage. Steve is not going to analyze why i was abusive. That is the type of work i have to do on my own, myself. I was in therapy for years and still not able to overcome my abusive behavior. I have to say that after the 2 sessions with Steve I feel his approach is right for me, because it is rational and logical, i function better with that approach. I am not saying that analysing things is wrong, it is right and it has to be done, but you have to have an approach that works for you. At this point I know that as I am changing my belief system i will be able to deal with the abuse issue. If MMM and I can succeed in doing that we will never abuse our spouses again. Yes, just as MMM and Steve as well pointed out, the LB questionnaire will re-open lots of wounds but you know what..at the stage they are now our Hs are not even considering recovering the M and the damage is already done. If it could help them at all it will make them see that we are serious about this stuff. Not giving them the questionnaire will not make them more willing to recover the M. Or would it?

Agreed. BUT, knowing what type of abuse if important. Imagine me saying I was abusive and SH not asking "how?" That would be malpractice....what if I was hitting her?

MB and other plans have zero utility until the abuse is dealt with first.