Last year, my husband decided to go back to graduate school, and without consulting with me took a position at a school that was more than 500 miles away. We have 2 daughters, and as hard as it was on all of us I tried to be both mom and dad at the same time. It wasn't always perfect, but we seemed to have had a system going until he came back home for the summer.

My husband and I started dating over 13 years ago, and we've now been married for over 10. I could never ask for a better dad for my girls.

While we were dating, I was away at graduate school ~50 miles away. He would always sulk whenever I had to study with a group that included men. We once broke up over a friend of mine from college had to use my apartment to stay overnight for an interview at my school the following morning (the way I did with another colleague when I interviewed). He even received a speeding ticket for going at 125 miles/hour in a 55 zone after our big fight. Even when we were making up our wedding invitation list a year later, he refused to let me invite this guy to our wedding.

When I became pregnant with our first daughter, I was still away at school, we had a brief separation because he started telling the whole world, including my father, that the baby was not his. We eventually put all of that behind us. Other things would come up in conversation- including my husband mentioning rumors going around (perhaps started in his head since he could never name his sources) that I was having affairs with various people at church. I've even had to give up going to dinner once a month with 2 of my colleagues from work (one male and one female) because my husband did not feel comfortable with that arrangement. He felt that as a married woman, I should stay at home in the evenings and not hang out with my "single friends."

Last year when my husband left for grad school, I took a ballroom dancing class, and knowing the type of person my husband was, opted to take the class with his nephew (who is almost 12 years my junior). My husband went so far as to insinuate that I was sleeping with his nephew.

I also started training for a half-marathon, and of course I had to hear about how there had to be a man involved because I never undertake a project without an ulterior motive. We even started going to therapy because he felt that I wasn't spending enough time with the family because of my training schedule. We eventually resolved the marathon-training issue and I thought all was well on the home front.

I guess I've committed the ultimate no-no in my husband's book. I developed a close friendship with a male co-worker. At first it started out as an October rivalry because we were rooting for rival baseball teams during the post season, but after my closest friend took an 8-week vacation earlier this summer, he sort of replaced her as my coffee buddy in the morning. The only problem was he was neither a girl, nor gay, and worse, he worked in the cutodial department and has a motorcycle which my husband is sure I'm always riding on.

I've told my husband everything there needs to be said about this guy, even the fact that I've spoken to his girlfriend on numerous occasions. I've been very open and honest about the nature of my relationship with the guy, but everything I say has managed to come back around and get used in a negative way. Yesterday was the last straw for my husband who now is at a crossroads and doesn't know what to do about my utter disregard for his love and disrespect for my marriage- and what might you say triggered this? a text message from the guy ridiculing the fact that my baseball team failed to make it to the post season.

I think my husband is trying to find excuses to leave and wants to put the blame on me, but I cannot figure out what his ulterior motive may be. Please help.

Your husband has extreme self-esteem issues. Insane jealousy is a symptom of a person who believes you will stop loving him at at moment because, deep down, he knows you know he's unlovable. Silly but true.

First, you should stop spending time with this friend. It IS disrespectful to your husband to have a male friend. The only instance in which it would be acceptable is if you, your husband, he, his girlfriend, and others get together. No emails, no phone calls. If you've been doing this all along, you're just egging on his self-doubt and jealousy.

That said, the best thing you can do is read here about Love Busters and Emotional Needs. Find out what LBs you do that your husband doesn't like. Then STOP doing them. After a month or two of following that, determine what his ENs are, and make sure that you are meeting all of them.

If he's getting the strokes he needs from you (ENs) and you're not doing things you know upset him, he should calm down and start trusting you and believing you when you say that you love him.

If this works, you could try asking him to do the same on his side, so that your marriage gets even better.

The problem with ending my relationship with this guy is how many friends do I have to lose before my husband works out his insecurities?

He at one point tried to pit me against my sister because she is the one whom I was training with for the half-marathon. I can't even spend time with my female friends as previously illustrated. Each time my husband finds something about me that takes me away from the house even briefly I have to endure all kinds of accusations and verbal abuse. I've never spent time with this guy outside of work and yet over these past couple of days he has dominated every conversation between my husband and me. When I brought up the issue of maybe hanging out with the other couple, my husband flatly refused.

It's not that this guy is the best, most indispensable friend ever, it's just that when is it going to be enough?

I agree with everything Catperson wrote. Your husband does have self-esteem issues, however, you being friends with a man is dangerous territory. Look at my signature, I know from experience that what seems like an innocent friendship with a man can evolve into an emotional affair, then lead to a physical one. I too was open and honest with my husband about my "friend" until my feelings for the OM started to change.

Have you read His Needs Her Needs? You both would benefit tremendously from it. Learn all you can about the Love Bank.

MrsZ

It's going to be enough when you set up boundaries and enforce them. You can spend time with any person you want to. You CHOOSE not to, to avoid the verbal beatdown H gives you. Believe me, I know. But that doesn't make it HIS fault. He's using the dysfunctional methods that served him as a child in an environment that created his low self esteem in the first place. He doesn't even know what he's doing. But you are the one here. You can do something to change your dynamics.

My advice? Get a sense of humor.

Every time he makes an accusation or tries to control you, answer it with a joke or lightheartedness. "Honey, I know you can't seriously think I'm going to get it on with Nancy. You're really being funny today. I'll see you when the Bunko game is over. If you need me, here's Sarah's address and phone number."

There's a great little book called The Dance of Anger. It's not what you think. It's about the anger YOU have at having to be a Giver all the time, and how to stop doing it. In it, it shows how, when you stop the dysfunctional pattern you're in - giving up your friends, family, hobbies, just to make H happy, which of course never does - you need to reassure him that you're not leaving him. You give him other strokes for his cooking or job or watching movies with you, whatever makes him understand you love him. But at the same time, you fix your Giver. (just not with a male friend!)

Basically, you give him positive reinforcement for backing off on the jealousy, not saying something when you go to your sister's, not arguing with you. If he DOES argue, you calmly say, "I won't listen to disrespectful talk. I know you don't mean to, you're just upset. So I'm going for a walk, and when I come back, we can discuss this calmly and logically." And then you do. More positive reinforcement.

See how it works? You both start getting what you need.

MSD, it sounds like you do an awful lot of things that aggravate your husband. My question is WHY? Do you want to remain married? Because if you go out of your way in this manner to aggravate your husband and cause him to feel MORE insecure, he is going to fall out of love with you. What you are doing to him is cruel and thoughtless.

If you know he is JEALOUS, why would you do things that ADD TO THAT, instead of doing things to reassure him? Do you not LOVE HIM?

Married people are not supposed to have opposite sex friendships. That is how affairs start. He is right to be concerned and should not trust you, given that you seemingly observe no boundaries and don't respect his feelings.

HIS INSECURITY IS A RATIONAL REACTION TO YOUR LACK OF BOUNDARIES. He knows you do not operate with sane boundaries and take foolish risks with your marriage.

As far as your activities that are done ALONE that aggravate him so, why would you continue to do them if you KNOW they aggravate him? I would take a hard look at the Policy of Joint Agreement and at the book LOVEBUSTERS. Your Independent behavior is a huge lovebuster that will continue to cause problems in your marriage.

I would add that your husband seriously needs to set protective boundaries and protect himself from your behavior. Can you send him here?

You shouldn't put any "friend" before your marriage! You need to stop doing things that MAKE him insecure. You are knowingly aggravating him and then putting him down for being AGGRAVATED! How disrespectful!

If my husband falls out of love with me it won't be because of my lack of love for him. His insecurities predated me by decades.


I excercised unconditional trust when he left to go live alone for grad school for an entire year. Why can't he return the favor. Also, what sense would it make for me to start an affair now that my husband has returned and not last year when I it would have been more feasible. How can you know what boundaries I do or do not observe?


Please seek some counseling to find out why YOU are so angry. I came to find some possible solution to improving my marriage. So far I've gotten some very helpful suggestions, but you are in no position, emotionally to advise anyone at this time.

Respectfully yours,
MSD

It will be becasue you INTENTIONALLY aggravate him. Your behavior is a lovebuster and YOU KNOW IT. This is how people fall out of love. If you know your H is "insecure" as you say, then WHY would you pursue interests that make him MORE insecure? That makes no sense, MSD.


There is no such thing as "unconditional trust." What you are doing now is practicing SLOPPY boundaries and he SHOULD NOT TRUST YOU. If you have opposite sex friendships, he should not trust you becasue you are taking unneccesary risks.

It is not lack of trust that destroys marriages, but a lack of boundaries.


MSD, this isn't about me or my supposed "anger," it is about your disrespect for your husband. [my marriage is very happy, btw, yours is not] Please understand that your actions are greatly contributing to your husband's "insane jealousy." It makes no sense whatsoever to complain about his "jealousy" and then in the next breath tell us about behavior that directly CAUSES IT.

It doesnt matter if he was that way 40 years ago. What matters is that he is your husband, and if you love him, you will STOP doing things that you know hurt him. You will never have a happy marriage or a happy husband until you do.

MSD, but don't feel alone. I also had problems with Indepedent behavior and it caused enormous problems in my marriage. When I stopped this lovebuster, my H relaxed and we get along better and are more in love than before. The principle here is never be the source of your partners unhappiness.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3406_independent.html

... Right... and you feel the need to reiterate the sentence within the brackets because... Again please seek some professional help to get to the bottom of your unresolved issues.

This is not junior high school. I am not competing with anyone right now for happiest couple of the day. I am facing a serious issue and I am not looking for infantile back and forth banter about whose home is happy and who has loose boundaries. I guess the only way to truly work through this is to have some face-to-face time with a professional.

MelodyLane, your juvenile rants have managed to turn me off to this forum. Good bye

MSD, just an FYI, but marriage counseling has the highest FAILURE rate of any of the counseling disciplines at 84%. Your average MC doesn't have any idea how to fix a marriage. Dr. Harley *IS* a professional, however, and DOES know how to save marriages.

He has some really good books out that you could probably benefit from if you keep an open mind. The ones I think would help most are:

Lovebusters
Fall in Love, Stay in Love
His Needs,Her Needs
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

In fact, here is a description of a buyer, renter and freeloader in marriage that I found real helpful:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Actually Mel is giving you some sound advice. You may like a more touchy feely approach, but her message is clear...educated and based on years of experience.

You came here looking for help. I suggest that you don't dismiss someone as valuable as Mel just because you got your feathers ruffled.

YOU have engaged in some very inappropriate and insensitive behaviors that have helped fuel your husbands insecurities. HE needs to work on his issues and YOU need to stop making them worse by your actions.

You husband does need to set some boundaries. You spend entirely too much time with the opposite sex. I am pretty laid back about male/female friendships and even I would NOT be comfortable with your actions or attitude.

BTW...your husband does need help. BUT, NO ONE should be trusted unconditionally. No one.

Control.


1. You may run alone....but he won't join you to prove it.
2. You may go to the gym...and he will accuse you of 'meeting men'.
[ he would NEVER GO with you....because then he has the excuse that you have screwed the whole male gym population...and he couldn't stand to be seen there."
3. He cooks up a "rumor" and hopes that you will "say" something to spill the beans...his "source" is his imagination.
4. Your friend with the GF, is a MALE...oh no...50% of the world population is male...they MUST all be cheaters...it's only 'natural" and of course....so must you...based on the evidence of his imagination. *nice*

You could suggest to him that you wear a collar with a GPS system...if is would appease his lack of self worth...but he would deny that too...

You COULD;
1. Quit your job.
2. Wear Blinders when ever you go out, so that you don't accidentally SEE a male and want to screw him.
3. Chain yourself to the house door with iron shackles and give him the key.

OR:

1. LEAVE....and inform him that a cranial rectal operation is in order before you consider going back.
2. This is a bad idea....but when the crap gets too much....smash a bottle over his head...might "wake him up"
H currently sporting 11 stitches...however....I can charge him...and he can charge me..*shrugs*

ML, while I agree she’s egging him on and needs to stop, as I said, I do see a streak of controlling tendencies in him. Which will NOT respond to MB steps if he cannot get his insecurity under control. It’s possible that she’s not telling the truth, and has been a big flirt all her life. But it’s also possible that she married someone who’s so insecure that he tries to control everything she does just to reassure himself that she will never leave. I know, I’m married to one of them.

For the first 10 years of our marriage, I gave up everything to please him, one after another, as he accused me of one thing or another, or criticized them, I just start excising them from my life so he wouldn't have a reason to gripe at me; but he'd just find another thing I was doing wrong. Friends, family, exercising, hobbies…nothing was ever enough. He still accused me of wanting to leave him all the time. And when D18 came along, and I HAD to interact with other people, he really went nuts, cos I’d been such a good, agreeable wife for 10 years, and here I was, saying I needed to stop at the store for more diapers, so I’d be 20 minutes late getting home. Why? I should have gotten more last time! I should have planned better! I should have done it at lunch! He works so hard, and all I do is go gallivanting around having fun all the time. Yada yada.

We don’t know the truth of her story, but if he indeed has such tendencies, she can give up, give up, give up, and it will never be enough. Which is what she alluded to.

What’s happening, IMO, is that her self-preservation is finally kicking in, and she’s starting to question giving up so much for so long, and is inappropriately reaching out to someone who doesn’t treat her that way, i.e. affair waiting to happen.

Sure, she could be egging him on. But these are not normal situations:
* he started telling the whole world, including my father, that the baby was not his.
* my husband mentioning rumors going around (perhaps started in his head since he could never name his sources) that I was having affairs with various people at church
* My husband went so far as to insinuate that I was sleeping with his nephew.
* there had to be a man involved because I never undertake a project without an ulterior motive
* I can't even spend time with my female friends as previously illustrated. Each time my husband finds something about me that takes me away from the house even briefly I have to endure all kinds of accusations and verbal abuse.

catperson, yes she is egging him on. She is actively aggravating him with independent, obnoxious behavior and then complaining that he is "insecure" and controlling when he asks her to consider his feelings. Of course he is "insecure;" she has sloppy boundaries and is thoughtless of his feelings. He SHOULD BE "insecure" with such thoughtlessness.

What kind of spouse torments a supposedly "insecure" spouse? What kind of spouse has male "friends" with an "insanely jealous" husband? Ask yourself that...


1. I developed a close friendship with a male co-worker.

2. but after my closest friend took an 8-week vacation earlier this summer, he sort of replaced her as my coffee buddy in the morning

3. Yesterday was the last straw for my husband who now is at a crossroads and doesn't know what to do about my utter disregard for his love and disrespect for my marriage- and what might you say triggered this? a text message from the guy ridiculing the fact that my baseball team failed to make it to the post season.

4. The problem with ending my relationship with this guy is how many friends do I have to lose before my husband works out his insecurities?

5. It's not that this guy is the best, most indispensable friend ever, it's just that when is it going to be enough?

6. We even started going to therapy because he felt that I wasn't spending enough time with the family because of my training schedule.

[why was the answer to go to therapy? Why wasn't the answer to STOP her training shedule if she knew it aggravated him?]

7.I think my husband is trying to find excuses to leave and wants to put the blame on me,

8. He felt that as a married woman, I should stay at home in the evenings and not hang out with my "single friends."

9. We once broke up over a friend of mine from college had to use my apartment to stay overnight for an interview at my school the following morning (the way I did with another colleague when I interviewed)

10. I've even had to give up going to dinner once a month with 2 of my colleagues from work (one male and one female) because my husband did not feel comfortable with that arrangement.

What will resolve the problem is CEASING the lovebusting, including stopping with the DISRESPECTFUL JUDGMENTS of calling him "insecure" and "insanely jealous." This is not hard problem. It looks pretty obvious to me. That has to start with her. She can't control HIM but she can control her own irritating, disrespectful behavior. She needs to start with the lady with the mirror using tried and true MB principles.

"Controlling" is the common refrain of spouses who don't want to stop independent, disrespectful behavior. I used to say my husband was "controlling" and "abusive" when he objected to my thoughtless, independent behavior. Funny how he stopped being "controlling" when I stopped tormenting him with thoughtlessness and independent behavior. The whole dynamic of my marriage changed when that happened.

catperson, you seem real unfamiliar with the MB program. Can I ask which books you have read?

1. Can you leave the house while your H was informed, forget your cell phone, and return home without the Spanish Inquisition?
2. Can you RUN alone without having to account for it? [ He knows where you are running and can come and check if he wants to..]
3. Can you join a gym for your health and not get 'grilled' for whom you SAW or SPOKE to? [ He has been invited to join but chooses not to]
4. Can you go out for coffee with GF's and return later than intended without being accused of cheating? [ he has the phone numbers of these GF's and can call to VERIFY if he chooses NOT to believe her whereabouts?]
Do you breathe without his "consent"?

The Male Friend....IS a problem. However that is easily rectified, He can MEET him and his GF, but he CHOOSES not to. She is caught in the TRAP. Accuse without evidence. Then she jumps around trying to appease him....and he just raises the stupidity level of his Demands....pointless.

IF He is so in fear of her "promiscuity" HE should leave. It's NOT about her....it's him digging at her and in keeping the "peace' she caves in....and then MORE of the same idiocy will rear it's ugly head.

Get DNA tests done on the children to shut him up. [ that appears to be the OLD problem...so now he has cooked up NEW ones to yank your chain...gets OLD doesn't it? ]


Training with your SISTER and ballroom dancing with HIS nephew....and he "insinuates" infidelity? ....Nutz. It's a GAME. A control game.

Turn the tables....and watch HIM go up in flames!!! Learn the non-rules of his idiocy and inflict them on him. Probably go ballistic on you....but worth it just for the satisfaction.

Get counseling.
*Lovely....*

Sit him down and ask him WHERE he gets that crap from....usually the ACCUSER is the one doing the 'cheating.' Funny how that works. He creates a cloud of BS to throw you off his own trail.