I dont know what to call it yet. This will have to do until an appropriate subject presents itself.

Today was a step, a hard one.

I went to my home, my old home that is, and took away the rest of my belongings. I could not fit certain items so I left them because I knew my WW could use them. A grill and a recumbent Bike. The bike we both wanted and the grill she may use.

I cannot return there, no time soon anyways. It was very hard for me being there today. The feelings of hopelessness, guilt, envy, jelousy, you name it. I walked through every room just talking to god and crying. I dont think I have ever cried up front of my friends before today.

I left my key and garage door opener on the kitchen table on top of a picture my aunt gave us of the family prayer with a short note that sais "I am sorry I did this to us".

This was probably a mistake. Just add it to the list. I dont know how not to think about her every waking second. I try and stay busy but as soon as I lie down in bed I am up all night.

All my friends are trying to colsole me, telling me it will get easier, but I cant help feeling that I dont want it to get better. I want to hurt like this, I deserve it.

My parents said the same thing, they want me to put myself in gods hands which I want to as well but its so hard right now.I feel bad calling them because they hurt more when they see me hurting.

I was going to take the wedding pictures but I did not. I have to leave that behind me now. If Zora wants to get rid of them, I hope she gives me the opportunity before she destroyes them. Should I tell her this?

I called my best friend since grade school, whom I have not seem since December and rarely before that in the recent years because of the situation. I asked him to come down because I dont want to be alone. He should be here right when mass gets out.

I need to tell him everything. I need to let go, I dont know how.

Things you can change ...




This reeks of self pity .... change this attitude.

The hurt can TEACH you something, try to search for the lesson instead of wallowing.

Ask yourself at every turn and during every emotional low ...

"What can I learn from this?"

SW, I would cut the self pity and focus on making amends to your victim and getting yourself pulled together. Self pity distracts you from recovery and is very unattractive in a grown man.

Take your lumps like a man and accept that the only person who got himself in this mess it the man in the mirror. Self pity is nothing but a diversion.

Hang in there and be honest with yourself.

So what does Zora say when you tell her that you want to work it out NOW?

I sense your PAIN.

And I hear that you are SORRY about what you did to HER.

Hot fog, aka steam, produced at a great rate, can billow all over and make it so you can't even see to take a step.

It can also power a large engine.

Which is your pain going to do for you?

"I'm sorry I did this to US"..a BIG STEP, I think..

My H HATED handing over the garage door opener too..

"You want THAT????" is what he said...

I think "I" TALK is a GREAT FIRST STEP...

Don't be discouraged, SILVER...

I applaud you making an EFFORT....

I will do that, I will try to think of what the lesson was and how to prevent it every time I start feeling sorry for myself.

I have no illusions this will take a while.

I am taking my lumps, I am telling my story for the first time, not just here, to everyone. I will try to cut the self pity because I know its not attractive but that is easier said than done. I want to though.

I want to make ammends but I dont know how yet, i am hoping that will come in time as well. Ive SAID what I feel, but none of that means anything right now. I hope it will in time after I prove it.

She says too little too late and she is right. She says she never loved me and I dont blame her. I never treated her right.

I am in pain, more pain than I ever though possible. I am trying to turn the pain into something more positive to help me with this.

Right now its still blinding me. But its only been a day or two. I have no issusion I can chage it overnight, but slowly I hope to.

The biggest way to make amends is by changing yourself and becoming the person you were always meant to be.

Good morning,

So Silver. What are the chances of you finding an AA meeting in your area and attending it.

What type of relationship do you have with G-d?

Thank you.

Good morning, I just came from mass actually.

My relationship with god. That is actually my task assigned by my priest to work on this week and talk to him about it when we next meet.

I have always believed in my religion, I did not always practice, i believed when it was convinient. I had not been to confession in 18 years. I now will go weekly for the forseeable time.

I did abandon god, not in my heart, but in my actions. I let lust and my need to be wanted get in the way . Todays gospel was about looking at your life in the big picture and achiveing your ultimate goal, which is to rise up to the lord. I cant believe this is a coinsidence that that was the message today.

The homily talked about not looking at today, or tomorrow, but focusing on the larger picture, the way to the lord.

That must be my path.

I did not look for any AA meetings yet, I have had all the time in the world and just have not been able to focus yet on too much. I will.

Not sure who you are thanking.

I am still a newbie in the MB principles. I know there are two schools of thoughts on how you are acting. Personally all I care about is you becoming the best you.

So that AA meeting, do you think you need to try it out?

Can you leave what Zora is doing in G-ds hands and just concentrate on yourself, learning about yourself, owning what you did and working to come out of the fog and be the person G-d always meant for you?

In my HUMBLE opinion, having a relationship with G-d is very different from being observant of one's religion and practices.

During my M, I worked very hard to have traditions, and observations of my religion, but my relationship was CRAP.

Are you familiar with Psalm 23. I would recommend you read it. Very early on Mark, Johnstwin and so many others helped me with my relationship with G-d. I have come to understand that G-d tries to get our attention because he wants to have relationships with us.

He will allow our free choice and wait patiently for us to look for him and ask him for help to get us out of the messes we create for ourselves.

I would suggest you just start talking to G-d and ask him where he wants you to move next. What is the first thing he wants you to work on.

G-d loves you, he hurt more for you while you were/are involved in an A. He wants his relationship with you and will help you through this, not through pomp, circumstance or observation, but by hard work and constant prayer.

This is YOUR battle between YOUR G-d. He loves you, he knows what you are capable of being and he wants that for you. Are YOU willing to set aside all that you have ever known and just work on YOU.

Let G-d take care of everyone else, because they are OUT of your control.

Beautifully said, Queenie!!

MelodyLane - you've made your points repeatedly and it seems that you might be getting dangerously close to harrassing this member. Maybe you would consider backing off for a little while and see how things develop?



Those who know me around here know that I place a very high value on one's relationship with Christ.

Before I comment at all on your situation or offer any potential advice, I'd like to ask you about your faith and your wife's faith in Christ. If you'd prefer not to "go there," say so and I'll be happy to bow back out because I personally don't think a Christian can save their marriage without God's help, no matter how "closely" or "religiously" one might try to follow the Harley plan.

If you DO want a Christ-centered marriage, I will be happy to try to help you a little with that direction.

For the record, I have NOT read your wife's postings nor am I familiar with your situation beyond what you wrote on your previous thread, and now this thread, so all I'll comment about at this time is that NO revenge affair is justified, neither is it warranted. In other words, "two wrongs do not make a right."


Regardless, you have MARRIAGE problem, as in a "one flesh" problem and as what appears to be a Christian marriage. That is the area I would be willing to focus on with you for little bit.

God bless.

That was my plan. But this is a fella who NEEDED repeated points in order get through the thick fog. Hopefully he is listening now.

I want to become the best me... I mean that.

Honestly, I dont have a choice for what Zora is doing. All I have is my prayers. I am still thinking about her alot, but I am now catching myself and turning the pity thougts into what can I do better thoughts. I imagine this will get easier as I keep catching myself.

I have owned up to what I have done, the truth is my ally now, there is no one I am afraid to tell the truth to. More about that in my afternoon follow after I respond to everyones comments...

I have been asking him, but I am now asking the right questions. My pastor helped me with that, I was not asking him for the proper assistance.

I am trying to get to that point, I am not there yet. But I am getting there. I am a slow learner, but I am better this afternoon than in the past week.. More on that after I am done responding to previous comments...