Really? That's news to me. I think we agree more than we disagree. Oh well.

This thread is ridiculous! Why would anyone advise Believer to go back in to a R with her ex after everything he put her through? Hello they've been divorced for years!

So a BS should ditch their new 'happy' lives just because their rat bag WS decides they want the M after years of D?

Paalease

I did not wait for divorce to start dating. Only because neither myself nor XH could file until a one year separation had occurred. The affair was the last straw for me. I put up with a lot of crap over the years and finally hit my breaking point (although, it took a couple of months to sink in)

Yes. When I found out, I wanted to save my marriage. But, after the lies, the hateful remarks and the affair itself all started to sink in, I realized I was better then he was, and I could do better as well.

I very quickly began to hate him, and lost all respect and love for the person I "thought" he was.

Anyway, I met my boyfriend in August of 2007. I was smitten with him. He is everything XH wasn't. Honest, reliable, courteous, the list goes on...

My divorce will finally be over in 15 days. It has only taken this long because XH decided to be a jerk and prolong things to piss me off. He filed before I was given a chance, and then decided to hold things up (although, I have yet to figure out why)

Anyway, my relationship has been a Godsend. I am grateful for having this person in my life, and know we will spend a lifetime together happily. If that is a problem for some out there, ah well. I have to live my life. I have no regrets.

And you know what? Sometimes it is not a bad thing to be done with your ex.

People are human. Sometimes we make mistakes. The wisest thing to do is to not make the SAME mistake over and over again....

BigK - You and I have never agreed on anything, but I think we sometimes think the same way. I think I do have love for my ex - we had a lot in common, plus a whole bunch of kids we raised together.

Unfortunately, I don't respect him.

It would have been easier for all concerned if I didn't date. But I did. I wish I'd followed the Harleys advice. That is the point of my thread.

And I will continue with Mario.

I would wish that for Believer too, but only if he is truly repentant.

Believer what you said about respect is so true..

Anyway my sister and her EX get on very well...BUT she says she lost respect for him..when respect goes so does the love...thats her opinion.

Well it's funny how people realise they are "really over their ex" when they are attracted to someone else isn't it. Oh wait! That's what people in an affair do.

To all the betrayed:

I strongly recommend avoiding new relationships for a good while after divorce.

I jumped into a very short lived relationship with a woman just a month after the divorce and it was painful for the two of us. I cried the day after I spent the night with her because I was still very much in love with my ex and felt like I had cheated in my heart (we were officially divorced).

That kind of baggage is bad for you and very unfair to the new person.

I hooked up with someone else a few months later, but I was still to hurt and angry to be able to give that a chance.

I then joined eHarmony a year after the D and it was still too soon.

I've taken a break since January, partly unwillingly, but it's been good for healing purposes.

There is a woman I do like, but we're friends and have kept it at that level for many, many months.

While I've been eager to elevate it to the next level, I've also welcomed the absence of drama that a new relationship would bring and it has given me a chance to start breathing again.

The devastation after a divorce is terrible and a quick relationship with someone else simply serves to cover up that pain. Facing that pain and processing it is a necessary step. We otherwise jump into relationships with new people that we wouldn't get involved with otherwise simply because we don't wish to be alone.

Don't get me wrong. I'd love nothing more than to have someone to cuddle with while watching a movie or to curl up next to at night, but I don't want it to be just anyone.

So I continue my break. If it happens, it happens. I am not out and proactively looking for it.

Could my ex come back and rethink things someday like some of you? I don't know, but I highly doubt it and the damage done has been so great that I seriously doubt I'd consider it at all if the possibility ever came up again.

So take the break. It's an opportunity for personal growth.

The Harleys have good advice.

Well it's funny how people realise they are "really over their ex" when they are attracted to someone else isn't it. Oh wait! That's what people in an affair do.

Respect is not a "feeling". It is a measure of esteem, or an opinion of someone. It is not the same as love. You can respect people you don't love (for example, a teacher or a business adversary) and you can love people you don't respect (for example, a not-so-great parent). But how do you have a relationship is intimate as a marriage without it?

I agree that respect can be regained, but also that it is probably more difficult than love. Because respect is an opinion, it is based on past experiences and observations - none of which can be changed. Even if the WS does a complete turnaround and keeps it up for years and years, the A still happened. And for many WS's, the A was only one of many things they did for the BS to lose respect for them. It's never simple.

Unfortunately, "feelings" alone don't a good M make.

IMO the very LAST thing "Believer" should do is seek to restart a relationship with her XH. She should seek to do just the opposite.