I feel that this experience has changed me forever. It was not just us seperating but its a wake up call. I have changed everything about my life, I workout, eat right, and most of all I am learning from the mistakes I made, and things are much clearer now. With the help from my counsellar I am becoming the person that I want to be.

Up until, last weekend, I had no clue how my wife felt. She cried and said she misses me, then our conversation was a bit sour, because of the living situation came up. Since then at least I knew that she still cares, and misses me. By hearing this, it really gave me a boost. And here I am now wondering why she didnt contact me. I could have said anything wrong, because we have not talked since that conversation. I know it wasnt the best ending of conversation, but I did not get upset, all I said was "for us to move out, is something hard for me, I hope you understand that, and I will try to work on it"... I did not say that moving out was out of the question. That was the best way I could handle the conversation. I talked to her, in a way that I never have before, with respect and a loving heart. This something I have learned how to do now. And I am still learning.

I messed up today. It was 7 days of NC and I called her house phone. I talked to her mom, it was a good conversation. She asked how things were, how the family was. Then she gave it to my wife. I got a complete weird vibe from her. She was quiet and non responsive. She did say she's under alot of stress from school and stuff. She said she was sad yesterday because it was the dogs birthday and she wasnt there. I know her parents were close by so she couldnt really talk. I asked if her if called the counsellar and she snickered and said the next two weeks she will be way to busy.

I ended the call, because she was talking so weird. Its funny that was one of the problems I had with her. She would talk like this when she is with her family.

I know I should not have called. It was only 7 days ago she said she misses me, and now this.

What the heck is going on?

The only thing I can think of is that she has a need to be a certain way in front of her parents, to earn their respect. Somehow, talking to you might have been something that caused them to be disappointed in her. Probably some conversation they have had.

Yeah I think that is exactly it. When she left me, the first few conversations, I would say I love you, and she would whisper it back. Never thought about it then, but now i know why. Anyways, I just called again to make sure why she was talking like that, she said it was because she wasnt alone. And I told her the last few days have been tough, and I have been missing her. Here is what she said "I know you seem you have been detached the last few days" and I said, really but we have not talked so im confused. So she backtracked and said, "she has been feeling the same way the last few days, and she could feel it inside of her. I guess she meant that she could feel the sadness from me as well, even though we are not in the same city. A little bit of spiritual talk, I guess.

So I am kicking myself for calling, but I will continue NC, and see what happens....

And by the way catperson, I wanna say thanks for your help, I really do appreciate it.

isn, I may be wrong, but that sounds really hopeful to me.

Hi


Yeah, I felt really good after hearing that. Initially I was like, what the heck is she talking about, we have been NC and she got the vibe that something was not right with me. At first I really regretted calling, because I talked to her mom and they have not once called me. I keep loosing my pride. Oh well, I guess from the two of us, at least I can say I still respect her parents enough to call them.

I wish I could just outright ask her what her feelings are. But this will have to do. So here begins another round of NC. lol

So I saw the counsellar again. Something very interesting came up. She asked me, "How far I am to the a certain point"? I asked what point. She said "The point where I feel that I am the only one that has done anything to help things, have made positive changes, and when I feel like I am carrying all the weight". I really think this is key, because I am slowly approaching that point. I said that I do feel like she has done nothing to try to fix things, this is quite true.

Well anyways, it was a good session today. She is going consult her co-counsellars about my situation, just to get other ideas.

I'm in the same boat as this guy and I have to go with 'charliethree' on this. My wife and I have been married three years and we fought a lot, she usually got her way, and then she left. I am still in Korea and she is living in Alabama. Film at 11. Bottom line, you CAN be a man about this and give her what she needs. Notice I didn't say what she wants.
My wife wanted 'space' too, and I reminded her that 7000 miles and 14 hours of time difference was a lot of space. In the mean time, I send her flowers, small gifts and remind her often that even if she doesn't like to hear it, I still love her. I CHOSE to love her and therefor my heart is hers. It's our job as husbands to find the balance here.
Try reading "The Five Love Langueges" and see what you think. I think we both need to learn how to meet our wives where they're at and they need to return in kind. No pun intended. Try to remember that we made the bed we're in, but God still wants it to work. This is your chance to see Him work what I call a "God-Sized Project" Hope this helps.

Brian

So I texted today, asking for her postal code, so I could mail a check to her. So she called me back right away. We ended up talking for an hour. She was quite emotional. I told her our account is hers still, because she is still my wife. She said she does not feel right about using my money, especially since things may not work out. This is the only thing with the coversation that is bugging me. How can she so easily say things are still unsure. I am bothered by this. I mean she said the following as well:

1. This is tough situation. It is so hard.
2. She has noticed the changes in how we talk. (on my side)
3. She said, that i need to know that this is really tough for her as well.
4. She does know that I tried to make her happy while we were together.
5. I kept saying to use the money if she needs it. She needs a new wardrobe, which is fine with me. But she said no.

I am confused....again...lol

I can see her side.

Here's a clue.

NOBODY wants to think that they are a bad person. EVERYONE justifies their own action. How else can they live with themselves?

That may help you understand her point of view.

However, you need to keep in mind YOUR plans. If she doesn't fall in line with your plans, change direction and take care of yourself. You can always get together later. But take care of yourself now.

Well, she called twice again. First time was cause she was upset with the phone company being jerks...and second time to tell me it was resloved. However in the second call, I was not to enthusiatic because I just felt real tired, and may be coming down with something. Anyways this hit her, cuz she asked twice what was wrong, and I assured her I was just tired. I didnt want her to think I was going back to my old self, where my walls go up

I feel real dejected today, like I am doing everything to try to get things to a point where we can meet. I feel like all the burden is on me. The counsellar warned me that this would come. I am reaching that breaking point, where I will just give up, and stop trying so hard. Its like, I am doing whatever I can to help things, and that is not being done on the other side. I mean come one, its 1.5 months, and she cant even call the counsellar. Like what is the big deal, then why show that emotion on the calls.

Ok, I'm going to suggest something different. I think it would be worth the money to hire a PI to see what she is doing. I say this because it's possible that there is another person in the picture. She may not be in a full-blown affair, but she might have someone paying attention to her, which will confuse her and make her question the marriage, especially at such a young age. And yes, 25 is YOUNG! I never recommend anyone to get married until at least 25 because you're too busy changing what you want out of life, school, trying out careers, etc.

But I remember going to a class when I was about that age, had been married 3 or 4 years, and a guy started talking to me in class. It never went anywhere, but boy did it put a bunch of confusion in my life. I had never tried the big bad dating world, just went straight to my H, so it got me thinking that maybe I had made a mistake.

So. I recommend hiring a PI to see if there IS someone else. Her asking to get her own phone is a BIG red flag, and I don't know why I didn't see that before. People in affairs get new phones so the spouse can't look up the phone records to see if they're talking to another person. If the PI finds anything, you can treat it like an affair and follow the steps recommended here to get your wife back.

No matter what he/she finds, I would then recommend Plan B. Which means you go dark. She is still calling you for moral support; you're still her crutch. Go dark and let her realize what life will be like without you. Send her a letter like "I love you too much to keep going like this; it's killing me inside to want you back and not be able to work on that. So I'm removing myself from your life for now, so that I can protect myself. If you realize that our life together is the right thing, I'll welcome you back. Until then, I wish you well."

I know that's scary, but she can hang on like this for years, but it will kill you. So you have to protect yourself.

AND get to a doctor and get on some anti-depressants so you can get on with your life.

Hi

Initally I thought she might have someone, but I am almost 100 percent sure she doesnt. Her schedule is so crazy. From 800 am to 700 pm she is teaching and then preparing next day stuff. Also because her parents are well known in the town, and I know from the past that someone cant go out with another person without everyone knowing about it. Their pride is the biggest thing in thier life, even to the point of obsessiveness. Also the only people around her are highschool kids that she is teaching. Also I can tell by our conversations, that she is missing me, and is trying to say things that will hopefully work out. I hope that makes sense. When we talk, she seems like she is tempted to say things that will make me think she wants it to work out, but she is being strong and stopping herself. It was actually quite obviouse she was doing that.

And the phone thing freaked me out.But a bit of history. When we got married everything was in my name. She had no idea what the bills and money situation was. She keeps saying she feels bad about taking money from me, so the phone thing is something she can do on her own. Before, I used to check her phone bills, when they were high, cuz she would yap with her family way too much, which made me upset. Actually that is what started everything, two months ago, her bill was high so I checked it, and found so many calls to her siblings. So I confronted her on the phone, in a wrong manner.

And I am really thinking that removing myself is the way to go. Going NC has been great, because he actually has called me, or if I have broken I call her and she actually picks up and doesnt want to hang up, and believe me I have tried. Maybe if I dont call at all, then see what happens.


Anyways,

thanks

Your choice, of course, but I've seen As on here that are nothing more than flirting with a coworker over a lunch table. Even something as small as that is enough to make her think she never really loved you, etc.

If you still want help getting back, provide us some more background on y'all so we can help you figure out what to do.

Well here it goes. We met when we were 21, got engaged for two years. In our culture the engagement means that it is offical, so the families are involved. Her family was not happy with us, and they made everything difficult up to our wedding. They wanted an arranged marriage. During the reception all we did was fight, and her family did not help the situation, they were grumps, it took me a long time to get over that. So we get married, were both students still, we live my parents. My family is very introverted, and hers is not. My mother plays games with people, we are used to it, but she wasnt. My mother went through years of emotional abuse, and she doesnt even realize what she is doing. I wish it wasnt like this. All through our 3 years of marriage, we fought, gained weight, because food was our comfort. Spent too much money on eating out. When we did this, it seemed to make things okay at home, but now I realize our relationship was the problem. We dont have any friends so we were with each other 24/7. Wife tried taking her life twice, after we fought. I went into serious depression and got diabetes.

When we fought, we would fight over stupid things, and now I can see how we could handled it so much differently. We had no respect for each other, and those around us.

Common things we would fight abuot:
1. My family, over the stupidest things, even some that seemed crazy.
2. Her family, because they have no respect for us, she doesnt see that.

She lost alot coming here, because our families are so different, and now I realize how I could have made it so much better.

I have big issues with her sibling here, she made things hard for us, and has power over my wife, my wife has said she is afraid to speak against her. That is hard for me, because I would not let anyone say anything to her. There were countless incidents of disrepect against us.

My wife makes several trips to visit her parents a year. I make sure of this, cuz I want them to be close. Way more trips then her siblings.

Anyways this past winter, she was up there babysitting the house, and she wasnt taking my calls, like usual when she is up there, so I obsessivley kept calling. (my bad) She said it was over, so I fly that night. Her friend and her picked me up, we talked and she told me to leave. So I left and was wondering the highway at midnight looking for a place to stay. Next day we made up.

So this summer comes, she goes up there in July for the annual family renuion, once again I am not invited because she said its just for the family. No husbands. She comes back after two weeks. And goes again the following month, in August. I had taken time off in August so we could go some where, and she knew that, so she went anyway. I said several times if I should come up, she said no, we'll just fight, cuz of my family....So here I am all by myself with two weeks off. Ok...so when I call her, she doesnt pick up, and when she does she is rude to me. This has always been there, only when her family is around. So towards the end of the month , I send a msg, asking where she will stay when she comes back. I was hoping to talk about our problem, but it didnt go that way. So I told her tell her parents to prove that she is serious, and of course she did, and her parents jumped on it. They basically tore me apart on the phone. She came to take her things and left. So my dad called her dad, and her dad basically ripped into my dad. I also talked to her sibling, who I am not close to at all. I was very civil and asking for her help. She blew me off.

So the next day, I guess they were calling each other and stuff and they decided it takes time to make a descion. It was hard to go NC, but I have been able to do it. I am seeing a counsellar and taking care of myself. She has not done anything.

Some of the things her family said:
1. They are now calling the shots
2. I was a mistake from the beginning.
3. We ruined her life.
4. My wife has no say in the matter now


This broke me apart, but because I am at the point I am now, I can forgive them.

They have made no attempts to call us, its only me. Just to say hi to her parents, because that is something I never did before.

No one in her life, has told her to try to work things out, this quite clear. However my family is telling us to take time and hopefully things will work out.

Now I can readily admit my family is not perfect, but at least I can do that. And as right now, my family is looking more human then hers, they are not trying to tear us apart. I know our living situation was not good, however before we look at that, we have to look at our relationship first. I am not surprised this happened, it was a matter of time. We were like two empty shells living together, and I think God saved us. At the least we can do is try once more to do this thing right.

Let me know if you want to know anything else?

Well, we talked again, cuz I needed some info. I got that info, and tried hanging up, twice. But she seemed like she wanted to talk. She did get emotional, but the weird thing is I did not. This is the first time that i have felt strong. It was the weirdest thing, it was like, I was being nice and stuff, but at the same time, I was being strong. I really have to say it felt great. For once I am not the only one that is suffering.....

You have definitely made a lot of progress. Have you ever read Kubler Ross' Death and Dying? It's weird, but the stages one goes through when you experience the death of a close person is similar to that of a divorce, betrayal, abuse situation. I think it must be some latent human nature experience, it's so common.

Anyway, it seems like you're going through it, in a healthy way.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

OMG, I forgot to mention the most important thing. The reason we even talked during the week, was because I msg'd her saying that I feel, that we need to meet. She said that we would talk about it on the weekend. So the next two days will be interesting. But I did tell my counsellar that I will not bring up the meeting, because she knows that is what I want and I need to see how she handles it. Now if she doesnt call this weekend, well that poses another problem.

Just remember if she decides not to meet you, it is about HER, not you.