It's impossible to tell for sure from reading words on a screen, but you seem like a fire needs to be lit under your [censored]. Maybe you just aren't showing that side on here...I don't know.

Aren't you going insane wondering if your wife actually had sex with OM? If she has, it's likely been for years on end.

Do you have kids? If you have any that are younger than the length of time your wife has worked with OM, you get the joy of wondering if they're your biological children.

How about STD's? Since your W was almost certainly having sex with OM, maybe she's cheated with another guy. Maybe a dozen. Maybe so many she's lost count. Who knows? You felt sure she was faithful at some point, correct? You definitely have no idea where OM has been. Do you think he's willing to cheat, but with only one other person? Doubtful, to say the least.

Keep in mind they (cheaters) rarely use condoms. Where's the fun in that, right?

When you peck her on the lips, are you closer to a three-way with your W and OM than you ever thought you'd be?

I'm not trying to be cruel. All of these thoughts and a million more have occurred to me about my own situation.

I just wonder why you don't seem more anxious to get to the truth. How can you think of waiting?

I hope I'm completely wrong.

Denial is not a river. It is the fantasy land where you refuse to face the reality. Two hour lunches? Slow eaters? That slow?
A lot of two hour lunches?

OMS is not your concern how she takes this news. It's OM's concern. Any problems that develop from exposure is to be his problem not yours.

If OM has to cut his buisness trip and come back home to clean up his mess. That's his problem. Not yours.

How can you sit calmly and say well the OM is out of the office for six weeks?

The OM will be back. Your WW will of not left her job with the OM. The doing their two hour "lunches" again. Or most likely doing each other.

You can't solve your other marital problems by ignoring the elephant in the room.

Either you want help or you don't. There's a reason Dr. Harley recommends a very specific plan for dealing with affairs - BECAUSE IT WORKS. Many, many people on here can attest to that.

Quit pussyfooting around and man up. CONFRONT HER. EXPOSE THE A. DO PLAN A and/or B.

Then and only then will you be able to deal with the rest. You can't do it in the reverse.

I definitely agree with calling the OMW and seeing what she says. She may have suspicions already and various other pieces of information or evidence.

In my case, I talked a few times with OWH and found out from him when the meetings were occurring and also that they had not ended when my FWH had told me they had ended. The OWH and I made a pact to let each other know whenever there had been contact. This proved invaluable since it was very difficult to get the NC in place.

And the 2 hour lunches.... my H told me that the two of them would have lunch and then go park at various out of the way places in the area. Until he self-reported to his military boss, NO ONE they worked with had a clue.

I would be extremely surprised if this is an EA and not a PA

AM

Hi again

I do want to assure everyone your words aren't falling on deaf ears and I understand the need for Plan A / Plan B. I've chewed up enough space without trying to explain some of the other issues raised with the counsellor that all also need some resolution. However we have both identified these emails and the fact I have seen the language used as one of the key hurdles to overcome, before knowing the rest is worth trying to talk about.

My wife has agreed to a polygraph test. She says she has answered everything honestly and will continue to do so, if I need more proof she is happy to provide it, she just wants to prove she loves me and has remained faithful (in the physical sense).

My wife doesn't have a problem with exposing the EA to the OMW.

The deal with the boss involved is that my wife is relieving in his job for 6 weeks and he is on holidays and not in contact. That gives us a bit more space and time to jointly work on things.

When I first posted I was in a state of mind looking for justification to see if my behaviour and concerns were warranted. From the comments received on here I felt vindicated. Then I got angry. Then I got demanding and made both of us defensive and argumentative.

I am now in a much more accepting state that my aim is to save my marriage and I want to do it with my wife's willing involvement. If we don't agree on what is required to fix things then Plan A and Plan B will be my way forward. Agreeing to the polygraph, informing the OMW, and me speaking with the other guy involved when he gets back, I believe will get me to the same result as trying to do immediate things against the advice of the counsellor involved. Sorry if that doesn't meet with agreement, and I can see your point, but that is how I feel comfortable to proceed at present.

If I find out there is an affair (well a PA as there is definitely a proven EA) I am actually much better equipped to deal with this now than I was a few weeks ago.

I am definitely going to reach a resolution one way or the other, I promise you all - and your interest and thoughts will not be wasted

Thanks !
H

Make sure she actually takes the test. I have read a thread once where the WW agreed to take it hoping that that alone would show they are being honest, then once scheduled refused.

I fear that you have waited to long.
Exposure is the most effective means to end an A. But it should be used with decisiveness. Exposure can be a bomb thrown into the A, with high shock value. It is obvious from your writing that you have discussed it in advance with your w. WHY? Do you need her permission? That bomb into the A may now have been disarmed with stories to the OMW about your paranoia and general crazyness.

Hi Frank

I actually think the written aspect of the EA stopped when I wrote to both their email addresses at work. My wife and I discussed it in some detail since, and I received the reply from the guy involved. Remembering we have both known him a long time, he apologised for a 'bit of fun that got out of hand' and guaranteed nothing like it would happen again. Certainly in the emails since then, I've seen no evidence of it recurring.

I have access to all my wife's email, facebook passwords and her mobile phone. There is very limited opportunity for her to sneak off with this guy (and none at all at present while he is nowhere to be found for 6 weeks), so I only see this as a slight risk.

Of course anyone who wants an EA or PA can make it happen without my knowledge - and just avoid electronic communications.

She has told me they have discussed the issue once since, in a meeting, as he asked if things were alright and whether he should call me, and said he felt really bad. She suggested if he wanted to, he could. Really this whole thing arose again when I found my wife lied to me about lunch with the other guy at work (who, while sleazy, I do believe my wife when she says she is not interested in him). Then she told me she was moving desks away from the boss and that just made me angry as I figured the worst emails I had seen were sent when they weren't sitting in the same place so proximity of the desks seemed to be irrelevant. But at that stage I wasn't receptive to much.

My key concern is ending the emotional attachment that has led to this point. I agree Plan A and Plan B will achieve that.

I don't think my wife has any doubt I will leave no stone unturned to fix our marriage, and I'm comfortable with the current progress. There are some tough times ahead as we implement the steps required, but I am going to do this in conjunction with the process underway with the counsellor.

Thanks again

OK Herb!

But beware the power of denial and wishful thinking.

I will give you a very foolish and self experienced case study:
I once came to my quite new car and found it vandalized in the varnish. I was in a hurry. There was no time to spend on it and I started driving. And my thoughts went something like: This new car! This can't be! And I turned my thoughts to other urgent matters. It was a terrible weather, late in the evening and the car was soon wet and dirty. And I did not see the damage again.

Several weeks later I had the car cleaned in a service station, and to my shock the varnish was damaged when it came out from the cleaning machine! I believed the machine was at fault and made trouble for the service station. Only later it slowly came to me that I had seen this before!

Moral: There is none so blind as the one who will not see!

Hopefully your assessment of the situation is correct. But, beware! You love her very much. Like with my new car it is very tempting in your situation to deny, deny and choose to believe in fairy tales.

Hey Frank

Actually I have been having problems with my new car too ! I do love my wife more than the car though, but I take your point. I think things are moving ok, but time will tell

Thanks for your thoughts
H

Herb,

How do you know there is no contact while OM is on holiday? He can leave his job for 6 weeks and never checks in at all? Wow I wish my H's job was like that.

I hope the exposure to OMW helps but as Frank said the effectiveness may be diminished some if OM has had chance to make his W think you are some nut or is spinning the truth since he knows what's waiting for him when he returns. Print off the emails for evidence. Your wife also has 6 weeks to work you too and hope you give up the exposure. Good luck Herb.