It is a big mistake to let WW keep working with the OM.
A transfer will not cause NC to take place.

Your WW has been going back and forth between you and the OM.

They will be able to use company phone, emails, and whatever they can do to still have contact.

Don't weaken now. WW is begging to come back because the OM won't move in with her or help support her in an apartment.

You are in the drivers seat do not back down.

The nature of their jobs does not give them access to company phones, mail or other lines of comms. The only possible way they have contact at work is in person. They have always stayed in touch via cellphone.
but if she does what I have asked am I not breaking my word?

Bob, I'm not an expert on Plan B. The one thing I will say is that people in As will find a way to connect if they want to, via the company or not. You need to determine how serious your W is. This is a gut thing coming from me now, so take it with a grain of salt, OK? Your W has put you through he!! since 2007. Why not let her move to her sisters or parents, at least for a while? Maybe you need to figure out what you want if you choose to give her another chance.

On the other hand, know that recovering from this is not easy. You will have to endure her withdrawal. That sucks! After that you need to actually try to recover both personally and in the M, which IMO requires MC. Is she willing to REALLY do what it will take to recover, or does she think all she has to do is give up the OM? It ain't that simple.

Bottom line, just because she now is afraid of losing you, doesn't mean you have to automatically jump through her hoops. I'd tell her you need to think about it. You have been putting up with her A for at least a year, let her live with your indecision for a while.

Yeh I'd agree that its good to take some time out at this point but if I am taking the moral high ground I feel like I should honour my offer to work with her. However, part of me thinks we need some "cool off" time.
I guess I'll just have to talk again and ask for the space.

Do you have a plan of how to monitor NC? They will see each other at work to some degree. Cell Phone passwords and billings and email passwords and keyloggers are the staples. No extra hours or too much time taken to come home or at the store etc. With your wife going back and forth like she did almost addict like...she is more likely to stumble than the average cheater.

There is no honor in being a fool.

There is on dishonor in breaking a deal when one has found out what one agreed to is harmful.

Well just when I thought I had it all worked out that last post completely lost me LOL

OK here we are. She spoke with me this afternoon and explained what has been going on. Over the past few weeks she has been trying to break it all off with OM but has been carrying a lot of pain and guilt for not only what she has done with our M but also with OM. After all, she convinced him she was gonna run off with him and he has shunned his W & K for her. He is now left with no M, no kids, no home and a W who is not interested in talking to him about reconciling. Not my problem, you might say, but she says she has made it quite clear to him that she wants nothing more from him as a relationship and the recent contact has been just to try and support him as a friend because of the guilt she feels. She has promised me that she now knows this cannot and will not continue because it is preventing us from moving along.

I told her, that it's fair enough but she needs to prove to me that she is serious and committed to us and needs to prove that by taking the steps I asked for. She has agreed to all but leaving the job although she has agreed to a transfer which is gonna take a few weeks to arrange.

On that basis I agreed that if she does do all I asked and commits to sitting down and going through it all with me she should stay at home and we should work on some sort of recovery plan over the next few weeks while the transfer comes about.

I have made it clear however, that any slip up would mean nothing else but a trip to the D lawyers office.

Time will tell whether I have made the right choice but I really felt like we spoke to each other properly today and connected in a way that we haven't done in a very long time. I do believe she is speaking the truth although she has fooled me before.

Keep your fingers crossed for me :o)

Update.

Still working through things and as far as I know, she hasn't made any little trips out to see OM. I do believe that the A has stopped in that respect and I'd be very surprised if she has had any contact with him over the past week.

She is taking her time but has said that she will have compiled a NC letter to OM in the next couple of days and will go through it with me then let me deliver it to him. However, she has also said that there isn't much can be said that she hasn't already told him in as much as she has sent him several SMS msgs telling him to stay away and stop any msgs to her. She tells me she has told him to leave her alone as he is costing her happiness and the happiness and peace of her family.

As far as her transfer goes, she is looking around for another position in the company but there have been so many sackings and redundancies at her firm over the last few weeks that a transfer is looking quite difficult. I am keeping focused on this though and will not let it slip cos I know the consequence.

As for EP's I'm not quite sure what more I can do. She does account for all her time and I do go see her at work occasionally (unannounced). I call her regularly at work and we chat about how her day is goin and exchange loving comments. I get her cellphone bill and can check with the cell company for any calls or msgs made. The last time she made a call or msg to OM was a couple of weeks back now but I knew about that anyway. She could have a second cellphone and keep it hidden at work of course but then that is something I can do nothing about. She has been out shopping alone a couple of times last week but came home with loads of bags so I know that the time was spent spending money!

We are having a lot of fun talking more now, sharing jokes, laughing about our days which was kind of lacking before although we never stopped being friendly toward each other.

We're sharing a lot of practical stuff too. When I was tryng to achieve the goals in plan A, I was doing practically everything around the house. Dinner, washing, cleaning etc but she has voluntarily started to pick up sharing some of these which I have taken as a small sign of commitment.

I gave her a copy of HNHN to read and she has got about a third through it so far. We've discussed some of the things from the book and one of the things I found surprising is that she has said just how accurate the description of the manner of her affair was in terms of how things developed and occurred. She says that she realises that the A was very intense and that she does have very real feelings of love but is working on the withdrawal.

I've noticed that she has also started to be a lot more attentive to me and is leaving me little love messages. She even slipped a very loving little note into my wallet the other morning saying how much she doesn't want to be apart from me and loves me very much. I am taking it all with a pinch of salt at this point because she has let me down so many times I don't want to get kicked in again. I do feel that we are getting somewhere though as long as the withdrawal continues.

We're sleeping together still but nothing more intimate than kisses and cuddles in bed. I am missing sex like its driving me crazy LOL but I guess that will take time and patience from both sides.

I'm feeling presently that we probably need MC of some sort but not quite sure how to go about that. I'm in the UK so getting to a MB weekend would be hard. Anyone got recommendation for MC in the UK? We tried Relate some time back but they weren't a lot of help.

Also, I am still very untrusting, as anyone would be I guess. Maybe all the above is an elaborate smokescreen to hide the A but I don't believe so at this point. I'm optimistic that it's all a good sign. I just need to keep focused on the goals and for the time being, make sure we continue to communicate and go forward.

Hi all, just another small update.

I'm still here and still trying to cope with things. Just waiting for the dust to settle a bit.

We are still together and I think making some progress. She has writen to OM and told him all the things she needed to. She is still working in the same place but talking with HR to get a transfer.

I think this is the withdrawal stage that is spoken about cos whilst I am glad that things aren't so crazy anymore, sometimes we both feel really upset although we aren't taking it out on each other. She cries a lot and tells me it's because she knows she hurt me/us but I believe some of the tears are for him too.

She is also being very affectionate and loving toward me and seems to be very attentive to making me feel loved which I am reciprocating and really quite enjoying. Time will tell whether this is long term and real.

I think it is going in the right direction but does anyone have any advice on getting through this bit?

Is it too early to take this to the "Recovery" threads?

No reason to go to any threads.

Your getting the most exposure here.

Bob, personally I was very slow moving over to the Recovery forum. I wanted to make sure that no contact was firmly in place first. Also, I really don't think real recovery begins until the withdrawal stage is winding down. That is definitely JMHO. I wanted to know that my H was seeing OW with clear vision, and not having her on some kind of fantasy pedestal. I found the withdrawal stage really rough and had us do phone counseling with Steve Harley because I really wanted to dump H at this point while he was missing OW.

How to get through this? OK, I've told this story here before, but it's an example of what I had to do. I remember rubbing poor H's back, Plan Aing my brains out, acting all lovey dovey, while thinking, "You are such a friggin a**hole! I can't believe you cheated on me." It's the truth! I told H this story later on in recovery. You've got to be tough! Do whatever it takes to get you through it. I said the Serenity Prayer numerous times every day. And I came here and vented like crazy. Notice the number of my posts.

Bob, how good was your exposure? There's a gal over on the OW board who is lamenting because her OM left her home because of family pressure. His parents refused to accept Ow, excluded him from family get togethers, his BS wouldn't allow him to see the kids with OW, and of course this tramp did receive " Ho Hugs" for her distress and assured her that that he was returning to a loveless marriage. His Bros & Sis's shut him out also. His BW acheived the perfect plan A. Was yours? GF

Hi CV55, yes I can fully appreciate what you mean about the withdrawal. Having coped with it for only a week or so it is very hard. Both of us have mentioned walking out the door already although neither of us did. Our days seem to go from one extreme to the other. One moment we are behaving like teenagers in love and the other one of us will be moping around feeling sorry for ourselves (or maybe her for him!). Thankfully there is more of the former. I'm depositing the old love units like crazy over here and geting a fair few back but like I say, it's hard work. I know this will take time and keeping cool will be difficult but its got to be the way. I know we are all different but how long did your withdrawal go on for CV55? weeks, months? If months I may need to keep away from sharp objects and rope LOL

I still have my doubts and suspicions but I guess that's only to be expected. I am torn between wanting to believe we are on the right track to being resentful or untrusting about whether she might be still be full of bs. I want to extend some degree of trust to her but wonder if I'm being taken for a ride again. I suspect this is fairly normal thinking here?

She made some interesting comments this morning before going to work. During a few hugs before leaving she said: "I am really very lucky to have you. So many guys would have just thrown me out of the door for what I did. It's only because of your strength that we are still together. You're a good man and I know that if I had left you I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. You didn't deserve any of this."
hmmm, is that some sort of apology? or is this an elaborate smoke screen? Gees I wish I knew but her behaviour toward me sure seems to have changed for the better which I am taking as a good sign. I hope and pray that my instincts are correct.

EP's I hear you all cry! Well, EP's are the answer in most cases but the way she used to contact OM was with a payg top-up cellphone which she hid in a locker at work. She says she doesnt mind me having access to her post, email, phone calls etc but even if I did she could still contact OM if she felt to. No way I can cover the use of another phone and the problem is that I know there is another phone which she could be using. I haven't challenged her on this yet as I was trying to build up some units. At this stage do you think I should just get it out in the open? or just hold the thought and see if she slips up somewhere?

<<His BW acheived the perfect plan A. Was yours?>>
Hi GF, I think my plan A was far from perfect. I'm sorry but I ain't that cool and I lost my composure a couple of times. On balance I think that it was successful though as I still looked at her with real love. Luckily it's only the mental images that haunt me, not being with her or looking at her. The behaviour toward her from me wasn't contrived it was very real and natural. I just hadn't done it for a while and I think thats one of the reasons why the A happened in the first place.

<<how good was your exposure?>>
Pretty good, almost everyone we know is aware of what happened.

Keep your fingers crossed for me you guys & gals, I'm hoping she is sticking with us and keeping the faith.

If it were me I would just say, after you check her one phone in front of her,can I check the other phone? But you will have to give up the source of how you know about the other. If this is going to work get everything out on the table.

Hi ILF, thx for your reply. The problem is that I DON'T know for certain that she uses a second cellphone. She does have one and used that to contact OM but the number has been disconnected. It is quite possible that she has bought another SIM card for it or even bought another phone and keeps it at work. There is no way I could know that or ever have any way of checking it out.

We spoke again last night when she came home and she was honest enough to tell me that she still misses OM but doesn't really think of him in the same way as she did. Just like an old friend now but realises that to contact him would be silly and would threaten our recovery. She says, I believe quite sincerely, that she loves me far more deeply than she ever felt for him and wants to make us work but doesn't know the right way forward.

I told her that as long as she has stopped the A what we should do is put the whole issue in a imaginary box just for now and deal with it later on when we are both ready. For now I think the biggest issues are dealing with our feelings and wishes and for me, being sure that the A is really over.

Aside from the A she says she sometimes has an overwhelming desire to run away. That she feels she needs to just run out the door and find some space to be on her own from time to time. Then when she does think about being away from home or goes out somewhere, has a craving to be back with me and our home. She says its a feeling of being caged or trapped but she doesn't understand this craziness and is struggling to understand what is going on in her head.
Are there any WS's or BS's out there had similar feelings?
Is she just as mad as a hatter?
It is confusing the heck out of me so I can only imagine what it could be doing to her.

I do believe in the MB methods quite vigorously. Anyone know if we can we get counselling from the Harleys via email or MSN chat or webcam even???