ears, did I run you off on my thread? I felt at the time I was being a little bitchy, but I couldn't make my mouth shut up, you know? This was one of the most gutwrenching days of my life, so I should have known better than to come here. Anyway, hope you're doing ok.

Cat, I wonder if this will get through to you? I'm hanging in there, trying to be open to what the tide brings in To stay in today and enjoy the good stuff in the present instead of mourning the past or worrying about the future. Easier said than done, but I'm still in the game!

I'm so grateful that you chose not to silence yourself or stay away. Your O&H inspires me. And I caught myself still making assumptions instead of asking for clarification first. Sorry! I wrote you a longer email.

(((Cat)))

And jayne, feel free to answer at your leisure.

Tama, if you read here, I'm going to put this here instead of your thread, because I don't know how many posts I'll be able to get in, if any LOL. I think FH's question was a really good one. I was going to ask, what are A and B and G and H? Some things you can brainstorm how to resolve differently, like when yuo brought the dog to the groomer instead of bathing him in the shower I think was one that you two renegotiated successfully. But other things you would need specifically his focused attention and effort

I am so glad that H and I have been able to hang through this this long, even when he or I were not fully commited. I got an unexpected gift this morning. It was so good, I thought that I'd share it.

That IS good. Thanks. I tried to email you last night but it bounced back. I'll try to go back and redo it today.

Not sure if it is too soon for an update, as there have not been big changes. We are still working with the MC, and that process is going well. I feel more comfortable than ever to be O&H, regardless of the response. I have been doing better with boundaries. Even the stonewalling isn't affecting me like it used to.

I have made peace with my decision to keep an open mind for the time being. I have made peace with my feelings of hopelessness about H being willing to make the changes that I would want in order to stay permanently. It is really okay with me. I have been a lot more peaceful and steady, off the merry-go-round, living by my values, not my feelings.

Last night, H decided to sleep with the dog, because he's been gone a lot. I used to take that kind of thing very hard, very personal, and felt very hurt and alone. Like H loves the dog more than me. Like the dog is giving him an acceptance that I am failing to communicate. That if I just try harder, he will see. And I would act from that place of hurt, asking H again and again to reconsider. Last night, I said once, I will miss you. And I felt peaceful. Read a book that I liked.

Does the dog have his own bed?

Glad to hear your progress.

Man, cat, after I typed that, I was like, darn, I'm trying to say I like my internal focus I'm feeling, and here I am talking about somehting he did LOL. Better to share something that I feel good about in my own behavior, like my consistent 30 minutes a day on the elliptical machine

The dog does have her own bed, but they shared the couch. I have been negotiating for a fence in the back yard, because she bites the furniture and the baseboards and wets the kids' beds when she's not in the crate at night or when we're gone, but 8 hours while we're at work and 8 hours at night is cruel to be in the crate. H feels that a fence is too expensive, and that she'd bark outside. So this is his way of making it up to the dog.

Hi ears,

I was wondering what sleeping with the dog meant as well. I gotta admit, it would bother me that he thought it was more important to re-connect with the dog than with his wife...

What do you think about letting the dog sleep in the bedroom with you, just not on the bed? I'm from the school of thought of dogs are pack animals and we are their pack. Being away for 8 hours of work is hard, but having 8 hours of sleeping in the same room could help, what do you think?

That's just my opinion. I'm pretty sure my H would disagree, especially if the dog tended to wake him up. I'm not saying you're wrong if you don't let the dog sleep with you, I'm just offering the possibility.

I think your feelings are very valid, and it's commendable that you are expressing your H&O and letting go of his response.

My dog always slept on H's side of the bed, on the floor, right next to him.

That's what RH is about though, seeing what is. When I get angry, I'm not seeing it for what it was, but focused on my expectation of what it "should" be. I'm learning "live life on life's terms". I used to stab myself with it. "See, if you'd just try harder, he'd know you accept him as much as the dog does." I can see it and register it feel the hurt and share my O&H, and then go back to my life. I don't have to let this eat me up, add my self-condemnation to that. Maybe that's what it takes for me to learn to trust myself that I was done beating myself up. That even in this situation, I can take it as information, not about me, and keep going.



Jayne, I have controlled asthma, and am allergic to dogs and dust mites. I take Singulair and Claritin daily, and with that, so far Lily hasn't triggered any attacks, but it's not recommended for folks with asthma or allergies to sleep with their dogs. Beyond that, she likes to lick our faces, and I wouldn't like that.

We tried letting her sleep with the kids, but she wets the beds when she jumps up on them. Sometimes on the weekend the kids sleep on the couch with her. The kids have controlled asthma, too, so it's not really a good idea for them, either, though. But they like it and so far they've been okay. One time before, H said he was sleeping on the couch with the dog, so I asked DD12 to sleep with her, which she was happy to do. H wasn't happy that I did that, though, because then Lily wakes her up early, 6:30 instead of 7. I realized that I was interfering, asking DD12 instead of asking H why he wanted to sleep downstairs instead of DD12. I'm working on that.

H's allergies haven't been triggered yet, even though he's not on medication for it now.

Cat, I would be okay with that, if Lily wasn't going to jump in next to me once we fell asleep. How does your dog know to sleep on the floor? The other thing is, we had a dog once who slept in our room, and we stopped having SF, because the dog was there. What do you do about that?

You stopped SF because a dog is in the room? Um, why? Were you afraid she would be traumatized or something? Our 3 cats sleep on our bed and they've gotten an eyeful!

lol, sorry - was just being silly

Anyway, it's just an issue of training. The pack mentality. They WANT the human to exert control over them; it makes them comfortable. If she jumps, keep a bottle of water nearby and spray her every time she jumps on something. When you see her laying on the ground where you want her, give her a treat. She'll figure out where she needs to be.

LOL!!!

When I was married before, our cats got quite the eyeful also... I've got a story I could tell but it's prolly TMI. Has to do with "props".

When I had my male German shepherd, he definitely slept in the same room as me, but not on the bed. I dunno, that's just how I got him. He had a reasonable doggie bed, just a foam thing with a cover, but it's better than what kids at day cares sleep on! (I thought of getting a couple of doggie beds for my kids but didn't want ppl to think I was "mistreating" them... to treat them as nice as my dog... so they slept on not-so-soft pallets.)

I was single when I had my German shepherd, so SF wasn't much of an issue. I hope to get another dog soon, now that we have a house. I'll let you know how it goes.

If you have allergies I can certainly understand why you'd need to keep the pets out of the bedroom. You're doing good just to have pets in the house, IMHO. It must be tough to have to take Claritin daily. You must really want pets.

I will discuss this with H. Thinking on it more, I really don't want Lily sleeping in our room. I want to really "clock out" when I go to bed, just have private time, without having to take care of Lily. I'm not a dog person. I like walking her, throwing a ball, that kind of thing, but not the sleeping together part. Maybe we could train her to do better in one of the kids' rooms, though. They are the dog people

I bet that would be a great part of their childhood memories.

We were successful in pawning off our dog onto one of the kids. Do it!

I didn't want pets. I gave into one. H made DD12 a promise, knowing I didn't want one, that she'd get one at the end of the summer, and I felt that it would be a good thing to give in on since I didn't want to move at that point, and H was so devastated about that. Not very RH, I know. I've been taking Claritin for years, though, before we got Lily, because I'm allergic to dust mites, too.

How do you feel about that decision?

I want us to get a dog. When H met me I had a German shepherd and I've always said I wanted another, that that was non-negotiable, even before we got married. Now he's saying he doesn't want one. I'm still saying it's non-negotiable. Is that a mistake on my part?

It was my decision to own. The rule is, "Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean." I would have liked to say, "sorry guys, I know you all want a dog, and I know your Daddy promised you one, but he made that promise knowing that I was not okay with that. You all heard me say we're not getting a dog, and I still today am not enthusiastic about it, for the reasons I told you already. If you don't understand, I can explain them again. But your Dad and I are a united front on this one."

I would have liked to tell H, "I'm not going to enable you anymore. I know you promised the kids a dog, but you knew that I had already said no, and why. Our marriage is too important to me to keep growing resentment going along with decisions I'm not enthusiastic about."

As it is, we've had Lily for two months now, and it would be traumatic to her and the kids to send her back. I made my bed, and I'll lie in it. I can make amends by being more RH in the present.

Jayne, a dog may be non-negotiable for you; I respect that. It wasn't here. This wasn't a hill to die on to him.

I'm a cat person (go figure). And I can't imagine not having a cat in my life; I get too much benefit from it. So it would be too important to me not to fight for it. I guess you have to decide if it is for you.