I am now a month out and a still suffer the pain, emotions and anger from the discovery. Caught W with OM during one of their EA meetings (so she says)in a parking lot. OM cutoff the A as he is afraid of exposure. Trying MC , initially with W but after her private talk with Steve H. she gave it up as she felt pressure to reconcile. She is mentally still in A and is going thru withdrawal greiving process. No concern for me and very withdrawan. I want to reconcile, she wants OM back. How to get thru this, after 35 years of M was totally out of character for her. I feel I'm in a time warp,, slow motion. Am started to talk with W every day at a very personal level, for the first time in years, but now she says the talks are too "heavy". She's ok to chat about current events, not personal. Can't touch her. It's like I'm the one that had the A and she is giving me silent treatment and making me feek guilty for "making her do it" and epressing anger that OM cut off the A because I intruded. Go figure. Lookslike our days are numbered. Doing all I can to move forward and want to reconcile. Have feelings for her, still. Going to MC by myself and dealing with my devils. No plans beyond that, day to day for now.

WW is mad that her OM dumped her.
You need to put the stake through this vampire's heart.
You need to expose the OMW today.

Thess, did you say earlier that the OM's wife did not know about the affair? If that is still the case, I would suggest that you tell her ASAP. As long as his wife is ignorant, it makes it easier for your W to have hope for a future of the affair because it makes it easier for her to pursue the OM.

Do you think the affair is still going on?

Has the affair been exposed anywhere else?

ML, he has not exposed.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=152997&Number=2128568#Post2128568

Thess your M doesn't stand a chance until you expose and try to kill this affair head on.

I agree with the above advice.

In addition WW's caged wife fantasy needs to be debunked. here's how to debunk.

Purchase something symbolic of a cage, like a lock with a key.

In front of your adult children (if you have them) stand up and say:

"I have an announcement to make.

WW has expressed to me that she feels she is trapped in our marriage. She has expressed that she feels she cannot leave to go be with another man. I have in my hands a lock and key. It symbolizes WW's fears of being trapped against her will. I announce to all of you, and especially to WW, you are no longer in this marriage against your will. I am handing over the lock and the key to you. If you stay, it is not because I am keeping you against your will. If you stay, it is your choice to stay. You are free to leave whenever you wish. It is my hope and my ferverent prayer that you choose to stay married to me and work together with me to create a loving home and marriage. However, I want everyone to know, I am not holding you hostage."

Hand her the lock and key. Sit down.

I'm in the same boat. WH left after 35 years for someone he picked up in a bar.

EXPOSE this A like you have been advised to do. Don't make the mistake that I did. I assumed that no spouse would walk away from 35 years for a "fling" but I was wrong. Don't take this lightly.

Read SAA and take the advice you receive here. I found this site too late, but then when I found it thought that my sitch was different - WRONG again. I'm now headed for D.

Get a plan and let these people help you through this. You can save your M....

I know the A is over, as he is afraid of being exposed, due to his situation at his work and in community. W's patterns have returned to normal and is spending almost all of her free time with me, an communucation but still withdrawn. I know she is obsessed with him and is greiving the loss. She is open about that.I have been attending MC by myself and she informed that she saw a MS last week for first time, to "get advice". I want to reconcile but she has lost her love for me because I neflected her for so many years, being comsumed by work and golfing 5 days a week in my free time on evenings and weekends (W doesn't golf). I did neglect her and am committed to change my habits, given a second chance. Thanks, all, for your comments. I am trying to get my head straight.

Reading some of the posts, there seems to be a vengeful tone in some. I am talking about my W that I have known for 40 years and married for 35 "for better or worse, in sickness and in health , til death do us part". I take these vows very seriuosly and thought WW did to but "something" went wrong, needs weren;t met and someone else met them.. "Stake thru vampire's heart" is out of line for the person I care for. I'm trying to reconcile with a WW that is the mother of my 2 adult childfren, has sacrificed untold times and has one blemish in 40 years.It's a big blemish , granted, but I truly beleive that we can re-kindle what was once a happy marriage. This is so out of character for her, that I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that we can reconcile and over time I can forgive her. This is no tramp, she is my wife.

I am sorry you find yourself here. For many, if not all, discovery of an affair is the single most painful situation of our entire lives. Please read the articles and books that you find here. They really help. Exposure of the affair to the OMW is a must. And then, no contact - no meeting, no talking, no email, no phone, no "bumping into each other when out" - forever. I truly believe there is no other way to recover a marriage and 35 years together must have meant something to you both.

BTW, take a look at some of my posts. One of the most difficult things for me to accept is that my H of 26+ years was not the person I thought him to be - that he had undiscovered flaws in his character, his moral code allowed him to betray our marriage, and the one person I thought was so unselfish did the most selfish thing possible. I am sorry but your wife is not only your wife; she is also an adulterer. This is not the best time to be giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Best wishes in ending the A and a successful recovery.

AM

When I read that line, I inferred vampire to refer to the A - not to your wife. This is an emotionally trying time and comments are often interpreted through that veil.

I don't think the poster meant anything derogatory regarding your wife.

Your W is still caught up in the fantasy. Even if OM is calling it off, he will return once he feels it is safe to do so. Exposure kills the fantasy and brings the A into the light of day. It isn't nearly so fun then and exposure will very likely help your W recover faster. She can live with the fantasy for a very long time otherwise.

Thess

""Reading some of the posts, there seems to be a vengeful tone in some "Stake thru vampire's heart" is out of line for the person I care for.""

You need to work on your reading comprehension skills.

How is exposing to the OMW going to hurt your WW?

"I truly beleive that we can re-kindle what was once a happy marriage."

We want this for you too.

These words, on a post on this thread are from one of the best posters on MB:

"Thess, did you say earlier that the OM's wife did not know about the affair? If that is still the case, I would suggest that you tell her ASAP. As long as his wife is ignorant, it makes it easier for your W to have hope for a future of the affair because it makes it easier for her to pursue the OM."

Your WW has to go through withdrawal for the OM. She is still addicted to the OM. By the OMW not knowing your WW is hoping that the OM will still be free to pursue the affair after things calm down.

Why?

Simple, as long as the OMW does not know about the affair with your WW. The OMW will never be vigilant to check up on her husband to make sure he is not banging your wife.

So you lose another set of eyes to help prevent or to catch the PA restarting.

Your WW will continue to pine for the OM because without the OMW knowing that WW was banging her WH leaves your WW to think and hope that the OM will be in a position to comeback and restart the PA.

The OM is the "vampire" to kill/end the affair your must "put a stake through it's heart"/expose the affair to the OMW.

If your WW never gets that "thrown under the bus" feeling from OM, she will continue to have hope for a future with him. This is another plus in exposure. The wayward has to see that fantasy crumble before their eyes. She has to know he did not CHOOSE her, but his BS. It will make a difference. While, we can see with your writing, YOU have a lot of respect for your WW, the OM has NONE. She has to see this. GF

Doesn't the OM's wife deserve the same opportunity?

I am hearing exposure i a must and I am in turmoil about it because I don't want anyone to go through the pain I and continue to go thru. At discovery I asked him to tell his W and I hope he does saving me from doing it. I cannot bear the thought of talking to her, although all the reasons you all give me are compelling. I believe it is the right thing to do, but lack the courage. This is a real diemna.

I may have misconstrued the interpretation the the "Vampire" was OM not WW. Sorry, for the defensive response. We are talking ecvey night (chit/chat not heavy subjects), having regula dinners, but I still see the pain in her face because she it still "not in the room" and withdrawan. She says she doesn't know why but is going to MC (at last) to deal with it. She does semm sincere, but it's a day to day thing and not much progress. Although she still isin the house, sleeps alone (both of us), maks dinner,claens house, generally goes through the physical motins but is not engaged mentally/emotionally with me. Thanks for your comments folks, your collective support is hepful, your views gives me other perspectives and options to consider.

Yes it is a MUST. Do not trust that the OM told his wife. You need to tell her and give no warning to your WW or the OM. That way you will know OM's BW knows and can keep an eye on things from her end.

If you lack the courage to contact OMW, you lack the courage to save your M. Your WW will long for OM and jump at the chance to be with him next time he makes contact and they both know you will do nothing.

OM isn't saving you from doing anything; he knows you won't. I'm assuming you haven't exposed the A to anyone. I think you are more concerned how people will see YOU if they know your wife is an adultress.

What you feel is not sympathy for the OM's wife but. in fact, fear of your wife.

Your fear SHOULD be that they will have future contact. The key here is that YOU hold the key to end this whole thing now but contacting the OM's wife.

Do it.

When I phoned the OWH to tell him what I knew about the A, I was shaking all over. It was very difficult to say, "From the phone records I have, I believe my H is having an affair with your W". I did not expect his reply that he was not surprised, that she had had previous A's and that he knew their marriage was in trouble. The information we shared helped us both - to end the lying they were both doing, to finally establish the NC and finally to overcome my FWH's feelings for the OW. After I finished sharing information from OWH to my H, my H saw the OW in a totally different light; not as someone he loved and was pineing over, but as the cheating manipulative liar that she is.

Bottom line: Don't think that disclosure to OMW is necessarily a surprise and don't underestimate the benefit that can come from shared information between you.

AM

thess

"she it still "not in the room" and withdrawan. She says she doesn't know why but is going to MC (at last) to deal with it. She does semm sincere, but it's a day to day thing and not much progress."

Because you refuse to man up and kill the affair by exposing it.
This is why nothing is happening.

Next do you think the OM will expose himself to his wife?
I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn.