tully, is this threat made about CONTACT or simply telling you about contact? Because telling you about contact will not resolve the problem. Only ending contact will do that.

My suggestion would be to TELL your H's business associate now so he can make sure your H and the OW do not work together in the lab. I don't think they are going to take you seriously until and unless they see some ACTION.

Just as you should not take him at his word, they are not going to take you at your word, unless your words are backed up with action.

Why can't your H tell this man that he can't work with the OW and ask for his suggestions on how that can be achieved?

Sorry for not coming back before but it's been a difficult few days. The weekend was tough and my WH realised for the first time since I found out that there was a real chance that I would pull out of this marriage.
Things were tense and difficult between us but every time I am on the verge of leaving he pulls me back at the last second. On Monday I rang him (he works 5 minutes away) to ask something about one of the children. His phone was engaged for ages and I was sure it was her. I got in the car and drove to his work and he was on the phone to her. He was mostly listening and not talking but I knew it was her. I went in and when he saw me he was very scared and said 'I can't help you, I can't'
Afterwards he told me that she rang from her mother's mobile phone so that he wouldn't recognise the number. She was devastated and angry with him for abandoning her and not even inquiring about how she felt. She said she just wanted him to talk to her and help her to get over this. I believe him.
I said no way and he agreed that contact was not possible.
As a gesture of proof of his good intentions he offered to go and tell his parents himself about the affair instead of me doing it.

Melody, the problem is that I know this man well and his solution will be brutal - get rid of the OW which means her staying near us jobless instead of going away. As for how my WH can avoid working with her, he needs to pull out of the project that was planned. It's awkward for everyone but they'll survive.
I'm fairly sure OW will still try to keep in touch but H seems more determined that I've seen him to date.
Also he has admitted that he thinks he is sexually addicted to her more than anything else. You can imagine how that makes me feel, especially when I felt that we had a perfectly fine sex life although I knew it was lacking in love and affection over the past year or so.
I thought I saw something on sexual addiction on this site once but I can't seem to find it now. Is there something?

I hope you took him up on it and will be doing so TODAY. Making an offer doesn't mean squat unless he follows through. Your H is probably betting on you feeling guilty and telling him to forget it because just the fact that he offered makes is enough. Don't accept any stalling. Tomorrow or the day after or the day after that isn't going to be any easier. Let him prove that he is sincere.


Can you tell the boss man after OW has left and then let her be jobless far, far away? Or after this project can she placed in a project in the Iraq or something?


Sorry tully. It's a rotten feeling.

The affair is still going on.

He is throwing you crumbs to keep you from leaving. Bigger crumbs than usual, because you are more angry, but crumbs nonetheless.

This situation will continue until you change the dynamic.

Unless you receive a complete surrender to your boundaries and extreme precautions, and see every action that you need for recovery undertaken willingly, you need to go to Plan B asap.

Also, he wants to tell his parents instead of you so he can soft-pedal this.

Tully,

Sorry about your sitch. I'm a BS too and know how painful it is.

I completely agree with Neak. Why are you settling for crumbs? He said she called from her mother's mobile phone so that's why he answered and talked to her for how long? C'mon Tully....that's a bunch of bunk. If he was serious about NC and EP then he wouldn't pick up the phone for a number he doesn't recognize. Let it go to VM and if it's legit he can call right back. That said, once he did pick up the phone and realized it was her he should have immediately told her that he loves his wife and family and that he will not have any contact with her whatsoever (click hang up the phone). Like Neak said...you are settling for crumbs!! He's giving you just enough to keep you around and you are teaching him that you will stick around if he keeps giving you crumbs. There is no way I would let him tell his parents. He will spin it so that somehow it was your fault he had an affair. The only way I would even consider letting him tell his parents is if you were there with him during the conversation so that you can prevent the BS meter from going off the charts. He owns the affair. Period.

Mindshare

I agree. The only way H gets to tell his parents is if you are present. tully, do you know what you WH said to his brother? Where you present for that phone conversation?

He is going to tell his parents today. He's on the train as I write. I don't think he can downplay the A to them too much because his brother is more than likely going to be present and he knows exactly my version of the story which I told him over the phone in front of my H. We passed the phone over and back between each other during that conversation and H didn't deny any of the facts of what I had said to his brother, just that he didn't see things quite the same way. THe brother was totally on my side and recommended that I leave H.

I hope I'm not being totally crazy here but I have seen a change in attitude over the past couple of days and real signs of remorse which gives me hope. It's not that I'm going to trust him fully but I'm going to let him out a bit of rope and see what he does with it.

I agree that he should have hung up immediately when she rang and I have warned him that my cracking point is very close and if it happens again that could be the straw for me and I will leave.

The sexual obsession thing has knocked me a bit though. I feel very hurt over that because I didn't see it coming at all.

If you aren't going to be there, I'd call the inlaws afterwards and have a talk with them. You can also test the waters to see just how informed MIL is. If you tell her something like I'm sorry this hurts you but I can't subject myself or the children to H's adulterous behavior anymore. Or you just ask flat out did H tell you he is cheating on me and go from there?



Signs of guilt aren't the same as signs of remorse. If H feels genuine remorse you wouldn't have to fight him so hard. People that feel guilty can still continue with their bad behavior with some sort of rationalization.


I don't know if I buy the sexual obsession thing. It could just be an excuse...he couldn't help himself. :RollieEyes:

Tully, you are in a fog of your own. That's normal, but for the sake of your marriage you mustn't stay there.

Close to your breaking point? Plan B!

Give him rope and see what he does with it? He's already shown you.

Small change in attitude? Only enough to keep you from leaving right then.

Sexual obsession? He's deep in fog, because HE IS STILL HAVING AN AFFAIR!


You are making a strategic mistake, and it is not working for you. You are ennabling him to continue his affair right under your nose.

It's time for you to take strong action and bring this game of tug-of-war to an end.

Thanks black raven. My parents in law are coming to stay in 2 weeks to mind the children to allow us to go to my sister's wedding (that will be an ordeal for WH but I'm not exactly feeling too sorry for him) I think the opportunity will arise to discuss things with MIL. FIL is not exactly the most communicative of men (must be in the genes!) That's if MIL doesn't ring me in the meantime.

As for the remorse thing. WH has blamed me for the state of our marriage prior to A (although I mainly blame midlife crisis + presence of hero-worshipping, young attractive woman who says she was madly in love with him for 4 years previously) but I have said that's like trying to excuse yourself for badly beating up a child with the excuse that it was a bit whiney or difficult. That excuse might just about work if what you did was smack the child but when it's a severe beating then it diminishes the culprit even further to even mention it even if it's true. He seems to be getting my point. That said, I am not absolving myself for the blame for the drift in our relationship.

I think the sexual obsession thing is true. He's not saying that that's why he had the A just that it's the hardest part to eradicate as he distances himself from her. Still hard to take.

Neak, I may very well be deluding myself. I'm so not sure of myself. But in reality my WH is not a very good liar. I knew very well something was going on for the past few months (I just couldn't believe ithad gone so far) and that he was lying to me but when it's a matter of denying and saying no then he just about gets by. He is not so good when embroidery is required.

To be honest, if he is still lying to me now and conducting the affair then I'm not sure I would want this marriage any more. He knows very well that I would never settle for a second-class marriage.

Whether you want the M or not is up to you, and I'm not trying to tell you which to pick.

But as you make your choice, keep in mind that A) lies and adultery go hand in hand, and B) you have not been in a real recovery at any point yet.

If you're about done with your M anyway, what could it hurt to give Plan B a try? Even if you don't want to R, it still protects you from the death of a thousand cuts he is inflicting on you every day.

I do want my marriage but not at any cost. I want it to be honest and good like it used to be. If it can't be that then I don't want it at all.
I know that he lied to me but just not very well. That's not an excuse for him because it was ability rather than morals that prevented him from being a better liar before.
I'm hoping that we are in recovery now (is that possible?) even if it's been a very short time.

It's not possible if there are doubts that he isn't NC yet.

Why wait 2 weeks? You need to be proactive tully and not just wait around for things to happen or hope they happen.

I don't think you are in recovery. You just said your H still blames you for everything, OW is still in the picture, and H hasn't done anything but give you lip service.

No he doesn't. You have threatened to ruin OW's career and haven't. You have threatened to leave and you haven't. You threaten with consquences if he is in contact with OW then catch him on the phone and threaten him some more. What does it take to make you leave or expose the A with full force?

You are not in recovery, and have never really been in recovery.

Your husband is still continuing his affair, and has never stopped it.

That does NOT mean you've run out of hope. You have a very good chance of bringing this affair to an end, and watching the fog clear away from around your WH.

IMO, Plan B is your best shot at getting to try a real recovery. Real recovery is a big improvement on what you have now. Plan B is a big improvement on what you have now.

If you stay till you're sick of him then just leave, no Plan B, he may come to his senses at that point, but you will not be in a good place to join him in recovery. Plan B keeps you in a good place for recovery, while still being likely to aid in the implosion of the A.

How would I know if we were in recovery?
I have seen a big improvement over the past few days. Yes, I know he was in contact with OW on Monday but it came from her. In fact I WH has given me the impression that he finds her slightly pathetic where he finds me strong.
I kind of think that if our marriage is to work then he needs to fight for it too. I have been fighting for our M since I found out over 6 weeks ago. I think it has frightened him to see that lately I am fighting a lot less and talking a lot less and on the verge of giving up. So now he is reacting. Is this not a good thing?

It's a start Tully but I have to agree with others and say that you are not in recovery yet. That can't happen until NC is established permanently and your H starts to do things to save the marriage. Your H must become accountable for what he has done. If he continues to blame you and justify the A then you will never get into recovery. He needs to own his [censored] and he needs to be remorseful for what he has done to his family.

I also agree that you have given him alot of empty threats so far. A boundary is only a boundary if there is a consequence and it is enforced. If a boundary is broken and you don't enforce a consequence you actually have the completely opposite effect!! You actually reinforce bad behavior! You teach your H (through real results) that you will constantly give in to bad behavior if he gives you a few crumbs (ie. blames contact on OW). Do NOT set a boundary with a consequence unless you fully intend to follow through. Otherwise, you will continue to have setbacks...big ones...and they will eventually drain your LB to the point where you want to end the M.

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