well its saturday morning, no call yet. I am really upset with her. How can she always put everything before our situation. She had yesterday off, and now the weekend. I wake up and the first thing I do, is check my phone. I like wait for the call all day, and in the meantime she is doing her own thing. I just feel that is not fair...

Then don't wait......go on with your life as usual.

well, if I could then I wouldnt be posting here....

Nonsense. Would you like a list of what you could be doing? I'm really good at lists.

Here's a start:
painting
gardening
volunteering
going for a walk
shopping
reading
napping
riding a bike
joining a gym
calling old friends
meeting them for lunch
visiting with family
renting videos
renting a yoga tape and trying it out
taking a class
visit a pet store

Yes, you are good at lists.....lol... i am going starting hitting the gym again, havent gone in days, cuz I have been sick...


thanks though....

well its sunday, if this weekend passes and no call, then I will be very surprised. She knew that we were supposed to discuss our meeting, it was her idea to talk about it on the weekend. If she doesnt call, i really feel I need to say something, but rather in a text....just so she can know that I do realize the weekend passed? is this a bad idea? if not, any suggestions about a suitable msg.

You two are very young. It looks like neither one of you knows yet how to carry on a good relationship or marriage.

She does not love you right now. If she loved you she would be trying to contact you to get the marriage going again and she is not doing that.

At this point, being as young as you two are, I would act as if you were going to give up on this marriage. The reeason I say this is because you have a lot of time yet to learn about relationships and how to carry on a good marriage and this one is clearly not right for either one of you.

If you still insist on saving this particular marriage partner, then the only thing you can do is go to Plan B as described here on MB. Also hire a PI to see what is up with her.

The marriage is more than halfway gone now and I doubt you will be able to save it or get her to love you again or want to live with you again.

I just dont know whats going on. We talked today. She will not meet me, cuz she cant handle the emotional stress right now, because of school. She kept bringing up the issue of my family and stuff. She said "how can you want to be with someone who doesnt want anything to do with your family". She also said "you are making all these changes, but there are some things I am willing to unchange, ie: the relationship with my family". She really seems messed up. I felt that I was talking to the same women that I could not stand coming home to. She has done nothing productive for herself, she is in the same place as she was before.....its quite sad

So I saw the MC today, and heres whats going on. She and I decided that the last few sessions have just consisted of use going over the same things, because nothing really has changed. She said that for any therapy to continue in an upward direction, there needs to be some sort of development. Well in our case, the development would be us meeting. We talked about this, and it is quite clear that my wife, is going through mixed emotions, but at the same time is not handling the situation the best that she can. Since the lack of us meeting is hindering my therapy, the counsellar will contact my wife, and try to get her to talk or at the least be aware that by not meeting, my therapy is being hindered. I think this is a great idea, because my wife is not even willing to meet, because she is full of excuses. The goal is for the counsellar to talk to her and hopefully bring a new dynamic to our situation, rather then the same old stuff.

what do you guys think?

I think that even if she did want to return to you, and I'm not really that hopeful about that, her family is too much of an influence for her to consider going against their wishes. She will continue to hide from you until you give up and go away. I'm sorry, but that's what I think. Your counselor would probably do better to talk to her parents, IMO.

Hi

My bad, I should give more details....when we talked she said several things that were actually hopeful. Her parents and extended family have changed thier tune, they want things to work out. Apparently she did say, that her mother is my biggest supporter. Also she will not hang up the phone when we do talk, so she does want to talk. Everytime we talk she does cry, and she did say that one day she wants to come back to me, and the next day she doesnt. She said she knows this is wrong and that it is not fair to me.

Before she would not return my calls or msg's but she answers or calls back right away. I know that I cant be jumping to conclusions thinking that she will come back, but I am a bit more hopeful....

lemmi know what you think?

Thanks

Well, tomorrows the day, when the MC will bring up the idea of us meeting. This will be the second time they have talked. I just got off the phone with my wife, she again wouldnt hang up. But the end of the conversation sucked. She was about to throw a fit, cuz she was tired and hungry and just got wet from the rain. So I ended the conversation and let her go. I know from experience that these things are not a good combo for her....

I hope that she agrees to meet, but I think she will probally refuse to.

We have been talking almost daily and texting, mostly at my starting it. But she did respond kindly. Yesterday she was stand offish and a bit cold to me. And today she did not return my msg's or calls. So I sent three msg's and three calls. I know I should have stopped at one. But how can you go from crying and talking great to this. So I just called her and asked her to clear it up. She said she was not near the phone all day. (i find that weird). She said she felt like the old times when she saw my missed calls, she was afraid. Why am I the bad guy always? The way she spoke to me yesterday and today, made me feel an inch high. What is she doing? She is under a lot of stress, but is that an excuse

What have you done toward finding your own place to live? If I were your wife, I wouldn't even think about doing more with you until you honored the one key problem she has - living with your parents.

Hi

Well, I did tell her a few weeks ago that I was looking at places. She told me clearly not to do that. She doesnt know how things will turn out.

So we talked yesterday. What a waste of time. The counsellar contacted her on Saturday, to try to make things move. Well, I find out on Sunday that my wife missed her call. So I told her that she really should call, and she did. They talked for an hour. I asked her, if there was anything we could discuss. She basically said that she expressed to the counsellar the problems she has with my family. Which we already know.

So here is a bit of a summary of our conversation. Let me know what you think.

1. It felt like I was talking to the same old person as always.
2. She kept talking about family, how there are issues with mine, and how there are no issues with hers. She has never been able to see both sides of it. She dishes out things about my family, but when I do the same, she will never admit it. So basically the same old crap.
3. She was quite upset, because I keep bringing up us meeting. She cant do it, because it would be emotinally too hard for her, she is under a lot of pressue with school.
4. I asked her what she would like me to do. She said keep taking care of yourself.
5. I asked her how long does she want me to wait, she couldnt answer that.
6. I told her, I am human I have a heart that can broken, she keeps doing that.
7. Its been two months since we have seen each other.

So heres what I am feeling....
I think she and I are at such different levels, this is because I have taken steps in the right direction. So when we talk, we end up fighting because we are not at the same level. I understand it would emotionally hard to meet, but is that fair to me. By the way she was talking about family and not us, it makes it quite clear that she is not ready to even entertain the thought of it working out. The way she was talking, made me feel like NOT wanting to be with her. I was quite amazed about how she sugar coats everything about her family and then attacks mine.

I made the mistake of contacting her all week, because she was willing to talk. I msg' her 17 times yesterday, because she was giving me half answers back. Heres where I think I screwed up....NC made her miss me, it gave her sense of what life is like without me. So now I am the lowly dog, who keeps contacting and getting spoken to rudely. I think I need to do the NC again and show her that she is not the center of the universe. Even NC, until she decides she is ready to meet.

I dont know, what do you think?

I think you should find your own place to live, so you can start being an adult who doesn't revolve his life around his parents. I get that you want to care for them, but there are other ways to do it, besides what you have chosen.

Your wife believes you have chosen them over her. I don't blame her.

When you marry someone, your family instantly becomes the second tier. Wife comes first, then family. Well, God comes first, but you know what I mean.

I think until you have addressed this problem, you might as well just give up on her because that one issue is so big to her that there IS no 'two of you.'

See, I dont see it that way. I have been an adult since I was 16 years old. Instead of being someone who runs away from life when it is tough, I took on the responsibilty like a man, and was still able to my degree and get an awesome job. Now, if life gets tough, and unhappy, for someone to simply move away and pretend its not there is cowardly. You marry someone as they are, and when they are going through obstacles in life, then a spouse should be there to support them. Her solution to hardships in life, is to pretend they are not there, and move on. Well to be honest, when her parents will need care, what will she do. She has made it clear, that life to her is about being happy and that means even if you have to cut ties with others in your life. I had two choices, 1. leave my family and live my own life, or 2. stick with them and help out the best that I can.

I really think that I made the right choice in helping out my family and I have to be proud of myself at the end of the day, because most people would not have done it.

also, it was always my wife first, I pushed my family aside and ruined my relationship with them, cuz I chose her.....

Look, I'm not trying to criticize you for caring for your parents; of course you're a great son to be doing this for them.

But you're here looking for help to get your wife back. She has made it clear that it is living with your parents that drove her away.

Give me one reason why you think she would come back, knowing she would be stepping right back into the situation that caused her grief in the first place.

I'm not saying anyone is at fault. But you want a solution, you want your wife back, and if you decide you have to live with your parents to do the right thing by them, then you are indeed sacrificing your wife for them. Your choice, entirely.

I was suggesting you be creative and find a way to care for them other than living in their house.

If that's the case, that you are choosing them over her, then just let us know and we can quit trying to help you.

fwiw, my MIL lived with me and my H the first 4 or 5 years we were together. I took care of her, we were friends, but after a few years, I couldn't stand it any more, not being the matron of my own home. It was their house first, and nothing I did ever felt permanent, or wanted. It was very stressful. H finally asked her if she would be up to getting her own apartment, and she graciously agreed, knowing that I needed to get started on my own life with my H, our own memories and rituals and baggage.

How did you ruin your relationship with them? Aren't you living with them? Did she ask you to side with her on issues?