What is FOO issues?

Re: "if he quits we will be tight to say the least,,, do you feel it needs to be done anyway, no matter what?"

Only if you want to recover your marriage...


Also, you sound like you want to do your hair, nails, etc. to attract your H, but he was attracted to you as you are when he married you...

Well, those aren't the conditions, really. What needs to happen is he needs to conduct a lifestyle that is so transparent that he doesn't have an opportunity to commit adultery. Leading a secret second life has led to this.

Going to a therapist is cute and all, but it will help nothing. He needs to change CURRENT BEHAVIOR in order to save his marriage. He doesn't need to go yap at some therapist to CHANGE his behavior. He can make a decision to affair proof his marriage TODAY.

If you want your marriage to recover, he needs to cut off all contact FOR LIFE from his affair partner or he will be perpetually triggered.

FOO = Family of Origin

Your H had an affair with the nanny? Well, no one in your family should be in contact with her. She is unfit to be around children. Your H visits the nanny's grandmother? I am sooo confused!

I forgot who wrote that but I agree with the advice.

Do reoccurent cheaters ever really stop?

I don't know. But I do know that you can't solve the problem by doing nice things for him and expecting him to return the favor.

Maybe I am being naive (what is new)
But she stated that she didn't want any contact with him, and she was very angry at him..She sounded like she was done!

What am i saying!!, as i write this i see what load of bs it is. Of course I am being naive...I need to ask him to quit.. bummer!

Actually I did already and then changed my mind thinking of the money. Also, i worry that with that much time on his hand (that is soupossed to be spent looking for a job) he will stray again.. what a mess.

Sorry Melody lane!!!

Let me explain
The lover is a co-worker, and she is also happens that my son's nanny is her grandma....

In other words this girl is the granddaughter of my son's nanny.
The nanny is a super sweet and caring 73 years old.

In this case, he is just not allowed to pick him up unless I approve. right?

While the affair was ongoing, My h told her I was destroyed over the idea of leaving my son at a daycare. So she asked her grandma, we interview her and she has been great to my baby, he really loves her.

He even said that she, the girlfriend should be my sons godmother. I thought it was a great idea, grrrr... Imagine that!!

Hope it is clear now...

MelodyLane,

you said

I agree 100%, 300%, but he says he doesn't know how, he doesn't know how to stop lying.
He says he does it on all areas, job, relatioshio with friends, etc
He says he just doesn't know how...

Makes sense or it is more bs?

By the way, is there therapy (paid of course) here through RN?

Vows4Good, I used to take better care of myself.. although I never liked it...He says that doesn't bother him, but again, it is not about him

I like it when I look neat and beautiful and sexy

TLN, I gotcha! He should NEVER pick your son at the g'ma's and the g'ma should BE TOLD BY YOU that her GD is a skank who had an affair with your H. Her family needs to know this! The gma can then speak to her GD and make sure this does not happen again. This is very important for her to know so she can make sure your family is not exposed to her again.

Also, the OW cannot be done if they still see each other at work. Contact is contact.

I can not risk it that nanny stops taking care of my son because she is ashamed for her GD. This is a latin community and she will most likely shot me down before she shots down the GD. Too risky.

RecoveryNation doesn't have counseling. It is an online program. Please check it out.

Now that you brought up the whole latino thing, do you think that his cheating is a cultural thing. I don't want to be offensive, but have many hispanic friends. The order of the day is that the man cheats and the women overlook it.

No, I am latin myself, no offence taken, I know what you are talking about
When latin men cheat, they do it proudly and it is learned from generation to generation.

My h dad is from spain so he never saw that at home. My father in law is a family man. Very loving and respectful of my mother in law.

also, my h doesn't cheat proudly, he doesn't tell his friends or anybody else, he doesnt brag

In a separate note, my mil is a manipulative dramatic person who painted an image of her husband totally disturbed for her kids to be afraid of him. Even today my h has a very distorded view of his dad because of that.
He does recognize he is doing as thought by her mother and invent things to avoid conflict that doesn't even exist. Thus creating conflict herself.

But he will never accept that his dad is not the monster painted by her mother. My mil even told me that if I had a girl next time, not to allow my h to hug her or sit her on his lap because "men are always men" How messed up is that?

And you haven't been raised to think cheating is okay?

speaking from experience they never stop they just get better at hiding it....my husband has repeatedly cheated on me he says he knows he could lose me and that scares him but he keeps doing it anyway.......it will never end....if you are one of the lucky ones and he stops he will have to earn your trust all over again and that can be a long road

Not at all!

Let me explain further, and I really hope i don't offend other latin people here.

In most tropical latin countries there is a level of cheating acceptance,which is totally cultural.

Other latin countries which are less tropical, have a similar issue, but only when there are low social, low educational level...

My h and i were not raised on a tropical latin environment, altough we lived a country that is. Both our parents were immigrant to Venezuela, only mil is native of there.

So, we are not the typical latins, we never listen to soap operas, we never listen to what people call latin music (where the lirics, by the way are very adultery propoting) we hardly listen to local tv. And all that was way before we even imagined we would live in the US.

our latin friends often resent this, but accept it. They know not to inviteus to certain gatherings because we will be unconfortable.

Cheating is not seen well on either families.
oh, and my h is not fund of the typical latin programs with semi-naked woman walking around. He enjoys discovery channel, cartoons and boy stuff like court tv, And this has been his whole life. His male friends often make fun of him because of that.

One of my best friends, latin herself. SHE told my h, "what? you don't like looking at beautiful women?" And then look at me like saying "is he gay?' This was while they were watching Sabado Gigante or similar and my h humph at it.

They don't understanbd how we hardly know who Shakira is, nevertheless the other latin famous people..

My h says, I can not believe how i critized "\name of cheating friend" and then I did the same thing!

I never knew of any cheatings on my circle of friends until the partner knew, otherwise I would have expose them.

My our immediate families cheating is not accepted, not even a bit

That is interesting. I live in a mostly hispanic neighborhood, and have many friends from Mexico, Guatemala and El Salvador. Also my roommates are from Mexico. So I have a lot of friends from that culture.

Most of the men have an amante or two. But they still love their wives, and divorce doesn't happen. They always end up with their wives.

I know 2 men who are faithful, and the rest of the guys tease them.

By the way, I do watch Mexican novelas and listen to the music too.

If it is not a cultural thing, I do think your hubby might be a sex addict.

He can be sorry, but he continues to do it.

Believer,

Mexico, Guatemala and El Salvador. all tropical latin countries.

Anyway, back to my questions, if unhappy is right, he will never stop? Any experiences when they stop?

If not, if I have a 3% chance, then I am out, somehow!!

What are the odds?