yes, his behavior may be abusive...but he points out that my begging and pleading and following him around the house begging him to stay is abusive. That my keeping him up at night to talk is abusive.

It's all just so exhausting!!!

He blames everything on me. I know Bugs is responsible for global warming, but I think I'm responsible for everything else!!!

Jayne, he has never been physically abusive to me. For instance, when I say he should not bring up divorce, he says "Well, you brought it up first in our marriage." That is just one example.

My self esteem is actually okay, all things considered.

HTH,

I remember saying to the MC while DH was WH..."I want the chance to be the wife I know I can be."

and MC answered..."You're already his wife. Be it."

Repeating is abusive. Keeps telling the other person they aren't listening, don't know, what you've said before.

Your BH keeps answering you with his presence. He hasn't filed for divorce, hasn't left. He can repeat his desire as often as he likes...you feel beaten down by it. What's the stretch to hear he feels abused by your repeated begging?

Respect him...you cannot make him remain married nor make him get divorced. He chooses. Each day, he chooses.

When you do, you'll see your choice. See, he cannot divorce you based on adultery because he chose to stay married. He may well divorce you because he, himself, chooses not to heal past your A. That's about him. Just as your A was truly about you.

What you need to really ask yourself is have you achieved redemption from your heinous, undoable, unchangeable choices two years ago? Do you own your choices daily, stay aware, transparent, protect your marital and personal boundaries, and are you new today?

Do not delude yourself in fantasy--you are his real wife...do what you did not do before, from resentment...and do not do that which you will resent. Own your half. Your life will fill out and fear with fade. Get to Alanon meetings...learn, study, read and share. You're worth it. You don't stop being worth it at anytime. God's design.

Until you do that for you, nothing will change...because you really won't. You'll continue to participate in the blame game instead of recovery. You're both stuck.

LA

HTH,

Just caught up on this thread, and I have to wonder...Was your H like this BEFORE your EA? Or just since D-Day? If he's always been this unforgiving, I don't know what you can do to change things. Face it, against a closed mind, God Himself is helpless. His mind sounds sealed shut. You've spent two and a half YEARS trying to show him you're sorry, and his only response is abuse?!

If this is post-A behavior for him, your begging and pleading and giving in to his every abusive demand will only inspire contempt... how's it been working so far?

Reclaim your dignity! Continuing to grovel will destroy your soul, and certainly won't save your M if it hasn't by now. Think of the example your children are absorbing, whether they actually witness these exhanges or not. Children have an uncanny way of deducing what goes on behind closed doors. You know that. How will THEIR marriages turn out if this is what you model as "the way it is?"

What if, what if you stopped begging, crying and pleading? What if you simply say "I will not stay here and let you heap hateful words on me" and walk away whenever he does it? What have you got to lose that you haven't lost already? (Of course, if you have any reason to believe that would enrage him to the point of physical abuse, don't go there. Just get out.)

You're feeling guilty for what you did, but you cannot sacrifice your very selfhood on the altar of his "righteous indignation" forever. Even God, Who has never sinned forgives the penitent!

Why do you think your H is torturing you? Really, think about that.

More to the point, why are you letting him? You've done 2 1/2 years of penance, which has amounted to self-degradation, basically. He has MORE than punished you for your crime. Yet, you say you love him. Could it be guilt and shame you're feeling, and you're calling it love? What is it you "love" about him, exactly?

Can you see yourself getting to a place where enough is enough and YOU file for D? I'm sure you could figure out a way to support yourself. You say you're the primary breadwinner. Maybe you should withdraw YOUR FINANCIAL SUPPORT. Hate to say it, but maybe that's one of the things keeping him there. And he resents the h*** out of you for it. Talk about a no-win situation for you.

Not saying any of this is true. Just giving you some food for thought based on what little I know about your sitch.

HTH, be nice to yourself today. Forgive yourself. You are remorseful, not damned.

RHW

I missed the part about 2 years and 2 months. I only saw the 2 months thing.

I'd think he could find a way to resolve this by now.

Only you can decide what your boundaries are and how you will enforce them.

It is. You need to stop. I speak as someone who also wants to keep talking even when my H wants to not talk.

I work through things by talking. But our MC helped me see (and the good folks here help remind me periodically) that to him, being forced to discuss something past his limit is painful to him.

Certainly if someone is walking from room to room to get away from you, you have no right to force your presence on them. And keeping someone awake at night when they need to sleep is also abusive (even a form of torture, in the extreme case).


That's good to hear. There is also emotional abuse though. Read up on it, see if it fits.


That's also good to hear.

So why do you let him continue to punish you? Why do you beg and plead?

Do you think it's better for your kids to see a mom who grovels and a dad who punishes their adult mother, or to see a happy, healthy, confident, strong, loving mother and father (either separately or together)?

I have been following this thread and the one thing I don't recall anyone addressing is, there were problems with their M before her EA and those problems continue. H is trying to stay in the attack mode to keep from facing his share of the responsibility in the problems.

When my son was younger, there was a kid in his school who would hit him. As they passed in the hall, the kid would lower his shoulder and knock my son into the lockers. He did things like this all the time. Punches, elbows and so on. My wife suggested to my son that he talk to the kid to get him to stop. No luck, the kid kept doing it.

I told my son, the next time this kid hits you in any way, punch him as hard as you can in his upper stomach. My son was afraid he would get suspended. I told him that if he was defending himself, the day he was suspended I would take him to a Yankees game, just DO NOT hit first.

Sure enough, the bully elbowed my son again but this time my son punched the kid one time, as hard as he could, just like I told him. It knocked the wind out of the kid so he couldn't breathe for a few seconds and the kid started tearing up. NEVER AGAIN did this kid hit my son....EVER!!

Now I have no formal training in marriage counseling. To me, it sounds like your husband needs a punch. He is going to keep on taunting you and holding this over your head FOREVER. You do not want a divorce and I understand that. But, it almost sounds like you need to call his bluff to take that weapon (threat of divorce) away from him so he can no longer use it.

I am not saying you should do this but think about how he would react if you had him served with divorce papers. Imagine telling him that yes, I was wrong for the A but you have been treating me like **** for the last two plus years and I will not live the rest of my life like this. Actually serving him might be extreme but I think you need to stand up to him for the way he is treating you.