I do have a lot of resentment particularly because things were good (or so I thought) before the A and H cheated anyway. If our M was stale and we were disconnected I could understand it better but that's not the case. I almost wish it were the case because that would be easier to digest. I guess I'll just never understand the choice he made based on how he felt. I understand H felt how he felt but don't see a "acceptable" or logical reason he felt that way.

BR,

I think maybe you are bogged down in the idea of 50% of this and 50% of that.

Who really gives a crap about the nickels and dimes of this? In the end, what you have to own is

YOUR PART of the state of the marriage before the affair.

I don't think there's anything written down by the experts that say 50% or 71.2% etc.

It is more to try to get you to focus on what your part was in the state of the marriage pre-A that matters.

What do you think your behaviors were in the marriage, pre-A, that led to the conditions being ripe for an A? What EN's were you meeting, which were you not? What LB's were you exercising regularly, and which should you focus on changing now? Can you identify how the marital state at the time immediately prior to the affair might have been related to any of your own behaviors, negative habits, failures, complacency, etc.?


That's really the issue. Not a percentage - I think the percentage is something that comes up a lot.

In my estimation, we are 100% responsible every day for what we put into our marriage, into any relationship for that matter.

My mom once told me that my marriage is actually 100% my responsibility - and that the very moment I decide it is only 50% my responsibility I can pretty much begin to count the days until I divorce. Why? Because as soon as I stop giving 100%, my husband will, too. And we will be doomed.

She was absolutely right. I stopped giving 100% somewhere in there, and was lulled into complacency. He was lured into someone else's arms.




ouch.



SB

SB-

I am so happy to read your wise words here again!

i agree 100% (HA!) with everything that you said. this was a hard pill for me to swallow- as you know from your previous posts to me.

We are each 100% responsible for our part of the marriage. Just as you said- I am 100% responsible for my part and my H is 100% responsible for his part.

Here was the hard part for me- and i am still not sure if i accept it- If i had accepted and loved my H, and not criticized and belittled him, he might have been drawn TO me- instead of running away from me.

I am in NO WAY saying that i forced him to other women, BUT i am saying that if i was more whole at the time, and did not try to CHANGE him every time we were together , and instead worked on changing ME, and accepting him..... he might have made different choices.

i think that the BS becomes so injured by the selfishness ( and all WS must be selfish to make a choice that will cause such pain to their spouse) - that we become desperate to fix them - to make them into the spouse we need - not the spouse they are.

And the more we try to fix them- the more the resist and run the other way.

At least this is what happened to me.

I can see it all so clearly now.

I wanted intimacy and a close relationship and my H wanted me to only admire him; NEVER to criticize him.

The problem was he didnt know how to be close and communicate- so he pulled away.

The more he pulled away, the more i pursued him- to fulfill my need of being loved.

The more i pursued him and tried to make him close wiht me - the more he felt i hated him.

The more he felt i hated him- the less he loved me.

Does this make sense to anyone else out there?

My H and i just discussed this last week for hours and he finally saw it from my point of view. it was a major turning point for us.

For the first time, we are starting to become partners - not adverseries. We are starting to want the same things.

It is hope for a new beginning. Pray for me.
SF