SW, ADs do not have to make you numb. You have to find the right ones. I use Wellbutrin (for energy) and Paxil (for relief) and I don't feel numb whatsoever. The only thing it's done is give me a...nudge to get off my rear end and get things done. It's hard to describe, it's extremely subtle, the difference it makes.

Wanted to point out that there are some networking sites on line for jobseekers, I forget the names, but you sign up, and you can post what you're looking for, what you do, who you'd like to connect with, basically a facebook for jobseekers.

I think you are talking about linkedin... I am a member, I dont have a huge network set up but I can definitly use that...

The recruiter at my current job said most jobs these days are found through craigslist believe it or not. More so than monster or dice or any of those.

I got my one job interview that turned into a face to face from cragislist.

Why does nothing seem to go my way?

I got a call back from the councilor my Pastor refered me to. Unfortunatly she does not take insurance except for HMO Indeminity? Never heard of it, but its not what I have.

So, she offered to refer me to someone else, I told her I specifically asked for a reccomondation from the church because I want a certain kind of therpaist who has the same beliefs as I do. She could not reccomend one that took insurance. She said most are not these days.

So bottom line, I am going to see her but have to pay out of pocket. I dont know how long I can keep paying for all these things out of pocket. Steve Harley is great, I cant lie he has been more helpful in 2 sessions than one I saw about a year ago was in 2 months but at 195 an hour, and now 90 an hour for my IC, this is going to start hurting, and very soon.

So I told her about MB, I offered to send her Zora's story from here as its pretty much accurate, accurate enough to give a background of events up to this point. Of course I will send my threads as well... She was excited as this will save some of the background time it takes to really get everything moving. She is away this week so I cannot get in until next week.

On the job front no news. Posted resume, applied for another handful of jobs... Just no movement.

I went to yoga last night, I think I will go back, other than the 15 min of laying around breathing at the end it was relaxing. Harder than I thought. I did want to stand up at the end when the instructor was chanting in what I considered to be a demonic tounge and try to perform an exorcism.

Sent zora a few emails, she does not respond. They are not about us, just how u doing, friendly types.

I emailed my former friend, my wife's OM. Very short email, not cruel at all, pasted below. I dont know if this will make Zora mad, but I called her and let her know I did it. It made me feel better I think, I wanted him to know I dont hate him, but I dont think he was a friend to either of us. He responded with a few lies, and basically said sorry but we were both really really drunk.

---
Just so you know, I don’t hate you. xxxxx said you are worried I am going to kick you [censored], well you don’t need to worry. Don’t get me wrong, I probably should but I can’t blame you for what you did. xxxx is a beautiful, special person. I know where xxxx was at as I was in the exact same place not long ago. It’s hard when the person you love more than anything does not show it in any way that really matters. I have no one to blame but myself for where I am at. You did not act like a friend to either of us by doing it though. I am pretty sure that violates every guy rule out there. I wish it was someone else, because I really could have used a friend like you right now.

Anyways, I just wanted to say that.

--------------


Well, that is what is going on. Steve asked Zora and Me to call him, after fillout of questioneers. She has said no to further calls with Steve at this time. I will ask again in a few days before scheduling another one just for me.

Thats the latest...

Silverwind

the one thing I would have writted differently if I were to resend it, would have been the last line...

because I really could have used a friend like I though you were right now.

When I told Zora, she seems to think I should get over it and be friend with him?!?

That confused me.

I guess when it rains it pours, got email from the face to face interview I had, no luck there. They hired another canidate.

Guess it keeps comming today, the job at my previous company, where I interviewed informally, was pulled of the job req by the execs due to the failing economy. He called me today to give me the bad news, but they hope to open it back up in January is holiday sales can hold their own.

Oh well, I knew it was not going to be this easy, was just hoping it would be.

SW - It just seems to be one thing after another for you! But take heart. God hates divorce, so you need to have hope.

You must keep on keeping on. It may be hard for a season, but it will be worth it in the end.

Is this some strange Texan recipe? It sounds like something Melody Lane would eat.

Sorry to hear your job search isn't going well, but personally you're doing excellently. Keep up the good work.

No no strange texas stuff, no kitty shooting...

Head of the charles (river) bigest crew race of the season.

So further update...

I called her tonight to say a few things, well here is what I had to say, I wrote it out ahead of time... Only I said it not emailed it...
--------

xxxx,

I am so sorry for our past relationship. I understand now how I was fighting so hard for us to be happy, but doing it in the most destructive way possible. I abused you so badly, thinking I was doing right. By forcing you to have sex with me by guilt, by telling you all the things I had done for you, was basically raping you pushing you so far not only away from me, but from intimacy in general. I used statutory rape against xxxx the other day, well what I did was far worse because I did it to my wife, someone I loved with all my heart. By wanting you so badly I cause you to have an aversion to sex. The thing that I though would bring us the closest, was destroying you. I understand why you said those things that I though were so cruel to me, they were not cruel, they were you crying out for me to change but I was not listening.

I’m sorry, I hope you can believe it was never my intention to do that, it was just my ignorance and refusal to see. I honestly never wanted anyone other than you, I only wanted us to be happy, to be lovers and best friends.To make each other happy for the rest of our lives. I pushed you around to get what I wanted, and by getting what I wanted I thought things were ok, but I never bothered to learn what you wanted. I was as wrong as any man can possibly be.

I want nothing more than to make our marriage what it should have been all along, I know you are so far gone its probably impossible, but you need to know how sorry I am. I would change the world for you if I could, I would make it into a place our family would be the one others strived for.

You don’t have to say anything, I just needed to say that to you.

I love you, with everything I am.

xxxx
-----------

Well that was at around 10PM and now its 2:30... we talked the entire time... Some just chatting, some about her affair, some about mine...

I think she intentionlly tried to hurt me with details about my former friens as a lover, but I did not get mad, I just asked asked her to not do that.

Anyways, Steve Harley asked us to talk to him togather, she said no and still does but I think she will at least think about it. She mentioned a book, about living in the here and now and how she is following that, I asked her to read surviving an affair again as I think she may have forgotten some things. I hope she will.

I think she will file for a divorce, contested, within the next few days. I dont want this in any way shape or form. I told Steve Harley I would talk to him again before agreeing to anything, contested or uncontested.

Anyways, times are rough in all aspects, but I am working on myself, I know I will emerge from this a better person, a much better person, no matter the outcome. I dont pretend it wont be hard, no matter what it will be a struggle, but I will never end up where I am now again.

That much I know.

Please keep praying,

Silverwind

So now my parents are trying to talk me into going back to my job, which is not a possibility. I cannot go back there. Zora said the same thing, I should go back.

Why do they all want me to return? I know they are worried about my financial situation, as they should be because its not good, but I though they understood why I had to quit.

I cannot go back. Period. I wish they would see that, its hard when they dont. I know they will support me no matter what I do though.

So I am very conflicted right now. ZOra called last night, said not to talking to Steve again. I will continue alone.

But she is filing for the divorce this week, and I dont know how to proceed. Part of me wants to fight for this with everything I am, to refuse to sign like she did to me. Make it harder to get through and continue to work on myself and praying there is a chance to save my M.

The other half says you cheated on her, you had an A for a long time, and while you understand why it happened, you still did it and it destroyed your wife. You dont deserve her, you should make it as easy and painless as pobbile for her since there has been nothing but pain for a few years. Give her this last thing.

I cant afford to make mistakes in my life right now, ive made my share for 2 lifetimes. I will talk to steve about this, as well as my parents and my IC,and I pray for guidance more than you know, but I wanted to see what people here think. Both BS and WS's.

Know this, I love her. I want nothing more than to recover my marriage and have it be something special and everything we both wanted it to be.

Any advice would be most welcome.

Silverwind.

And why are parents, zora, everyone telling me to try ang get my job back where the OW works? I dont understand why they can even suggest that.

If you don't want a divorce, make it as difficult as possible for her to get one. She probably is refusing to talk to Steve because she knows she is not following the MB plan.

Maybe they are more worried about your money than your marriage! Dunno?

Maybe they believe it will HELP you to have a job, even if it destroys the marriage the job is intended to support. Kinda backwards, but a normal kneejerk reaction to crisis. I'm sure they care about you, but may not understand or accept the dangers of the old job.

Thank you for your response. I just dont know. Its such a hard thing. I may have no choice either, I was under the impression she was going to file contested, and since we live in a no fault state, that just makes it take longer, but there is nothing I can do that I know of.

I dont know yet what the right answer is. How can I ignore the pain I have caused her, before and during my A? Wont dragging this process out just cause her more pain?

I am sure that are worried, as am I, because I will have to dip into 401K and things like that to live after a few months. I hope to get a job, but things are slow. resume's are flying out my inbox though.

Why would Zora try and puch me back there? She says because our M is over and she does not want me to suffer financially in addition to everything else. She actually told me to go back to the OW, because I seemed happy there.

I think they are maybe trying to tell me I am fighting a lost cause and look out for myself. But I believe I am doing that.

Its hard to sort through all this. I am very confused about everything, everything except I want my marriage. I want my marriage to heal and become something beautiful.

That is the only thing I am sure of.

Thank you for your response.

You are doing the right things and you will just have to trust that things will work out well for you. When she says for you to go be happy with the OW, she is just babbling the typical WS stuff.

I trust that you have exposed her affair to everyone.

Not at all, she said she told her paretns she was dating someone, but not that she slept with that person. She told a few of her friends, I think they supported her. When I decided I had to be honest with everyone, I told them the truth. My parents,etc.. I had applologized to her parents already. I an not sure telling them of her relationship is a good idea. They know what I did, and I hope they see how sorry I am.

Honestly, I think she is honest with me. She says they still talk, txt, but nowhere as much as before. They are "waiting for D" was what she said and later said who knows, he feels really guity, as he should being he was my friend and she did not think there was anything there in the future.

I know what she did was wrong, but I was giving her nothing for so long. How can I blame her for what she did? I was in the exact same position. The difference was I put myself into that position by not knowing how to fix things and actually pushing her farther away by doing what I though was right at the time. She fought for me in the right ways and I was an idiot. It still hurts, but it was just once as I found out, she said they would have continued but since I found out they stopped.

I do believe her. I think they may revisit their relationship once we are D, or the paperwork is filed, but for now I think they have backed off.

Although we did not specifically talk about it, Steve said nothing about exposing it. After what I did, I would think I would just be comming off as bitter because she is leaving me and trying to make her look bad.

Even if we end up where she wants now, the D, the last thing I want if to cause her any more pain. Ive done enough of that.

Now that I think about it more, Steve and I did talk about her OM, not about exposure or anything like that, more general things and I believe he wanted me to leave it alone for now.

I have another call scheduled, I can ask more directly, but I suspect he does not want me to do that at this time.

Is going back to OW something you consider optional if you do divorce?



Everything changes when you realise you have been "looking out for youself" all along, and you see this is exactly why you are in the situation you now face. It is quite horrifying to wake up and see that your selfish decisions all through life have gotten you to this point, and the destruction in the rear view mirror is all from you.

You can't undo the choices you've made, you can only begin to make better choices today. One small step at a time.

No, going back to the OW is not an option now, nor ever. Why would I want to try and build a life, which must be based on trust, honesty, and mutual respect with someone like that. It cant happen.

I do know thats why I am here, I looked out for myself and neglected the one person I swore to love, honor, and cherish. I am not that kind of person. I failed lots of people, most importantly I failed myself and the person I love more than anything. And you are 100 percent right, I cannot blame anyone but myself. There were reasons, all that boil down to not knows how to communicate with each other, but they dont excuse what I did, how I acted. I take all the blame for where we both are today.

I have a hard time living with this. It's hard to keep moving forward. If you follow my posts, you know I am a dork and like the movie quotes, but I go back to the first batman movie...

"Why do we fall Master Wayne? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up."

That is what I am doing. Picking myself back up.

Good.

There are far worse scenarios in the world than having to make yourself a better person.

I'm glad you see that.

BTW: Paper monster anyway. I got my last 2 jobs from applying in my pjs.

You now have your own response available for zora and your parents or anyone else when they suggest going back to your old job or to OW!

Good aice, I will use it next time my parents suggest that.

I must admit, its very demoralizing talking to Zora. Just got off the phone where we talked about nothing, and I decided to ask her to give our relationship another chance. To explore the possibility of it, and regardless of the outcome we would both be better off. I hate that she wants to just have a quick and easy divorce without exploring the idea of saving our marriage where we can both looking in the same direction for the first time in what is probably going on 2 years.

I told her I feel kind of sorry, that after all she has learned here that she is unwilling to explore it. She said she did not care about forgetting these lessons. I asked her reread surviving an affair. After things started getting uncomfortable, the converstaion ended. I dont have hope she will reread it, I dont think she wants to read that book again.

I want this so much, but its so hard to when the other person is so far gone. And this is week 4 for me, she put up with nothing from me for a 15 months. I guess that right there is why she cant find it in her heart to explore this.

I emailed and txted after saying I was sorry for that call, i do regret making it. I though it was a good idea to again ask for a chance to explore the possibility. Steve said I should wait a few days and ask again, now I feel I pushed her farther.

Silverwind