Update:

Just paid MY bills for the first time in 18 years. It was not hard at all....not sure it was the big deal as WW made it out to be when I took the checkbook away.

Still in Plan A and plan to stay there for a while.
I have limited my contact to WW to when she contacts me.

BUT....i think WW is plan B'ing me..... I kinda like not listening to the "jibberish". Do all WW cut off communication? I think she is "pouting"!!!

Good job on not financing her affair.


WHY on God's green earth would you not be contacting her at every opportunity? Her top ENs are affection and conversation and you are waiting for HER to contact YOU? She thinks she has found her soulmate in someone else and you expect HER to beat a path to YOUR door?

Get hopping on meeting those affection and conversation ENs!
Admittedly, affection is a big toughie but conversation is a no-brainer.

This is why all the MB people are a so good.!!
I just read your reply Turtle and thought, wow!, what the heck am I doin? So....
just text'd my WAW and told her that I miss talking to her and that I hope she is OK. I love and care about her and that I needed her to know.
WAW reply...."thanks and I love you too"!!

Thanks to all MB people here.....watch and see that God is in control of this situation...cause I've placed it in his hands.!!

Update...need some advice please

My WAW and I have had several good talks in the last few days. Good talks because I talked and she listened. Never any DJ's or Angry outbursts, etc. However, she continues to be a WAW and continues to see OM.
The pressure from the older children is growing daily and it is just a matter of time before one of them "explode" on her.
The picture forming about the OM is not good. He is a LEO, divorced twice, had a home foreclosed, and is renting. Some that know him has stated he is lazy and self-centered, etc.

Here is the question: I have a small surgical procedure next week and my WAW has insisted on taking me. My older children are livid. They do not think that I should have anything to do with her at this time. I have explained Plan A and the reasons for it. They admit that they understand why I am doing this, but they don't think it is doing me any good. They want to protect "dad's heart".
I think that I'm doing a good Plan A, and I know that I should take any time available to be with my WAW....
any advice??

Tough call.
If you think you can toss in some affection, I'd go for it.

Be careful about explaining too much to the kids. If they mention "plans" and how they work, then your WW will interpret that as you trying to control and manipulate her.

So, do you think you'll be able to get WW to hold your hand, or can you tell her she smells good and looks great, or can you lightly touch her when lean over to say something conspiratorially in the waiting room... or will you be nervous and throw up on her?

Turtle,

Thanks for the advice, and yes I have been trying at every chance to compliment her. I do get an occasional hug. Last week she did reply to a text saying she loves me. So, my plan A is working...

As far as the kids go...I have not went into any detail about MB stuff....they just know that I am trying to be the person that they KNOW I am....kinda nice to have their support.
As far as my 12 yo DS....he and I are doing fine. We finally cried it all out last night and he knows that he is not at fault in any of this mess.....he told me last night that I was his best friend!!!

I promise I will use the time waiting to fill any EN I can....I will not throw up on her!!

Maybe your WW should get a dose of reality from your children!! Continuing to be involved with the OM....needs to stop one way or the other.

kick,

You know, there is a carrot and there is a stick to Plan A.

The carrot is that you fill her up on Plan A. But Plan A also puts consequences into play for her continued affair, as well.

I wonder how she might react if one of the consequences were that you told her that you needed to handle this procedure on your own, without her, since she has chosen to move on without you in her life - because you have to "learn" new ways of living now, and this will be one of the things you have to learn to do.


Then, there is this flip-side you might think about:

Her OM would be offended, wouldn't he, if she were to run to YOUR SIDE???? I might even ask her that - or call him and run it past him.........."hey, OM, doesn't it bother you that she wants to be at my side for my surgery???"


Lob that bomb into affairland........or, "accidentally" text a message to him "thanks so much for offering to be at my side, for my surgery, and helping me through such a time. It's great to know someone who loves me will be there."

Gee, wonder what the fireworks would be then?

Morning,
Have an update and could use advice/encouragement. Long story short...plan A 7 weeks and never any angry words, etc. UNTIL, Friday night. We had a phone conv prior to WS and all children coming over. I gently but stearnly explained that after her failed attempt the day before to intro the OM to DD22 over lunch, that all the children are fastly approaching the "hate" stage. I know that I should not involve the kids, and I have not...but DD22 called in a panic and asked what to do. These children have no desire to meet him EVER. WS does not believe this and I'm sure over the next few days will "test" the waters. She will not like what she finds.
After much more conv. she admitted to me that she thought that I would never have anything to do with her after DDay. I have on several occassions explained that I do not condone her A, however I want our M to be better than ever and I want our family intact.
At the end of the conv...she made a couple of promises to me:
She told me she loved me and always will, would alwasys be there for me....she asked for space to sort this out and finally she promised to she "how it goes"!!

I can tell that she is dealing with guilt, etc...but I also know the addiction of OM is very powerful at this point.
I feel that I've used plan A and carrot and stick as good as possible at this point.

Any feedback, translation of WS speak or any advice would be appreciated.

Kickme -

Similar circumstance - I see no problem of older or any children doing what they can to preserve the family. By doing so - they are indirectly protecting the WW from one bad decision to another.

At the time my WW was partying and staying out with her new friends and getting emotionally (and physically) close to OM, I was bedridden ill with Hep A from a trip to Mexico and Belize (btw - I had the two shot booster for immunity - didnt take apparently.)

It was apparent that she was drifting away but at the time I was way too ill to care. This was during the summer of 2005 and it was going on already a year as I come to find out. My sons (oldest in college and youngest finishing HS) also noticed the behavior and performed some PI work by following her after work.

Soon afterwards they confronted the OM at his home and asked the basic question - what was his intentions with their mother? I am sure they gave a warning about useing their mother for a conquest.

He must have dropped her like a hot potato within a month because I rcall that she never left her bedroom the month of Oct 2005. I can assume withdrawls because there was another contact in Nov and again she was totally devastistated for two weeks.

To me - this exposure was key and prevented her eventual move out and demise of the M. They had busted her - embarassed her and in their thinking at the time and prevented me having to do any intervention. They had been more concerned about my reaction than their mother or the OM.


Dont have much advice on next steps. The addiction to OM is strong but nevertheless I would not protect her from the consequences of the A. If she decides to leave the M, she may well lose respect of the children. The consequences are severe and am sure she is mulling it over.

rwinger,
Hope you've recovered...and thnx.
All I can say is that she sure is "mulling it over". I can see the pain and suffering in her eyes. However, when she goes to the OM....she turns happy again. She has left our home so I cannot see her all the time...just enough to know that she is very troubled with her poor decision. Plan A has helped alot cause she sees our family moving on without her.

Kick -

We are recovered - I dont have all the details - may never get them and she will no doubt carry it to the grave. I have moved on but I keep my radar up so I am never blind sided again.

Might want to do a google of lost loves. I say that because she is reconnecting with an old flame from HS - correct?

These romantic love affairs from the teenage years are extremely hard to break down. The old chemical and history fire up and the BH is left wondering what hit him.

My wife had a serious bf in HS that was broken up because her father didnt approve of him. Occasionly she has contacted him across the country but I never paid no mind. We have been married now for 29 yrs.

However with her father's passing, I am also aware that if he finds out or if there is contact that there could be a new situation brewing. The chemicals of love are extremely strong during teenage years and once the flame is ignited again - there could be trouble.

BTW - she understands this fully. She agrees that boundaries have to be firm.

I think that it is time to think about getting your ducks in a row to get ready to do a plan B.

Please...lil more help here...??

I have done as good of plan A as I know possible. I have exposed to anyone and everyone...getting hopeless cause as I've stated no one outside of family seems to care. I do have a meeting with the Sheriff of my county. It has been rescheduled several times now. I had previously exposed to Internal Affairs and they are "looking into it". The hand delivered certified letter that Mel suggested really worked. I did mention the other day that the OM asked my WAW to tell me to stop checking up on him.

I have cut off money...my car payment (in my name but she drives it) is coming due for WAW to make. If she doesnt make it...then I will get the car.

The children are very frustrated with WAW, but other than a few good conversations between her and I, she does not seem to care.
She told me AGAIN on Saturday that she was leaving anyway, and that I should quit trying to use "her friend" as an excuse. She said that she would never return. Now, I know this is fog gibberish, and I know that BEFORE the A, we were a good couple.

I have given myself until 12-15 for plan A...starting to think that, as the Road suggested, maybe its time to do plan B.

If anyone...please...has any suggestions on what I might have missed or things that I should be doing before plan B...tell me.

Yesterday was our anniversary, I gave her a card and she texed me and said "thanks for the card, it's beautiful!".
Of course, I replied.."happy anniversary...I love ya. Her reply...happy anniversay...love ya too"

I do not want to change the time frme on my plan (s)...but I know that this emotional roller coaster has got to stop!!

Thanksgiving is an excellent opportunity to point out the devastation of being cut off from the family a la Plan B. Being ignored on Thanksgiving may be traumatic enough that it kicks her into high gear so as not to go through it again on Christmas (Hanukkah, whatever).

IIWY, I'd leave a Plan B letter on her car or doorstep on November 26, and plan a 4-day trip with all the kids for Thanksgiving. That way, you'll be gone, she won't know where you are so she can't crash the event, and she'll have a miserable 4 days to wonder what happened.

Thought I'd provide an update to my sitch...

Have tried to do as best plan A possible. Kinda hard when WW has been gone for now 10 weeks.
Have exposed to everyone including OM employer. In my thread OM is a LEO and now IA has all the info and is conducting an investigation. Turns out the day WW left he came to my home, in uniform, in his patrol car, and sat outside while she gathered her belongings. He was over 10 miles out of his area and never reported his actions. Thus, IA is very interested.

Have written PLB letter and have my brother and his wife acting as moderators for any communication. DS12 has his on cell and I will communicate with him directly.

Funny part is that WW refuses to communicate with me now. She explained that I "upset" her to much when we talk. Now, I know that this is babble cause I have NEVER shown any DJ's or LB's....just established my boundaries, and cut off finances. So, plan B may be easy cause if she does not want to communicate now.....oh wait....when I become a ghost....well we shall see!! So plan B starts offically 11-26

Now, as for me....for all the newbees...please follow this...on the day WW left she spewed lots of garbage before she admitted the A. Two of the things I took from that is she said, "you have to be happy to make others happy" and "your miserable and you make others miserable".

I followed the advice here, made mistakes, but stuck with it for the most part.....HOWEVER, I still tried to fix my M and change my WW.
I have always had a calling from God...to minister....just didn't listen. So....my unhappiness came from ME. About two weeks ago, I finally surrendered MY ENTIRE BEING to God and today I can say that I have NEVER been happier! My DS12 has been there to witness the transformation in Dad and he too has expierenced pure joy that God has given us both. For all who are struggling with the effects of a cheating spouse, custody issues, etc., please understand that I am just an ordinary man....but, please find it in your BEING to give your sitch completely to God and you too can find peace to endure.
Don't mean to preach...but to share...thats why we are all here...to share our pain and our joy.
Even if I get negative feedback from this post....I MUST continue to share the joy that MY belief in God is doing in my life.

Last nite, I had to read a IM that WW sent to OM yesterday from MY home computer expressing her undying love for him and the fact that she is learning to love again. This is only one of many. I did not get upset at all....None of us can change a person, they have to want to change. I am at peace with this because God has my M in HIS hands. I, as you, just have to forget about it and trust that in His time He will, if He chooses, bring that WS to their knees...that is the only way any WS can change....what I mean is if they do not want to change, they will not...but God can "fix" the broken.
Thanks for your help, encouragment and friendship!
Rob

Comments??

This was my struggle as well. I had NOTHING in my own power to make WH want to change. It was all on him. When I finally let go of that struggle, things started turning around, but even if they hadn't, I was on the road to a much better place.

Wow, Kick.... You are one insightful man...

Wow, Kick.... You are one insightful man...


Queenie,
Hope your day is well. Thanks for your support...I have already said this to you, but you have been a great inspiration to me.

Sometimes things happen in your life that just seems to make no sense at all......OR DOES IT??

Have a great weekend!!

Well, it's official.....PLB letters delivered to WAW and OM yesterday.
Tried to make the last week or so a good plan A, but my WAW will not communicate at all with me. Talking to me causes too much pain for her.....oh darn!!!

I have a great support group and have you guys here that have, and I hope will, continue to help me.

I did not want to be preachy but I have to say that the inner peace that God has given me is unlike any expierence before. It took me seven weeks of sleepless nites, unbelievable stress, and 48 pounds on the "infidelity diet" to realize that God is in control of EVERY aspect of my life. When I finally surrendered all to Him....I knew all is well.

Please keep my family in your prayers and any support on my Plan B would be greatly appreciated.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!!!!