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Joined: Dec 2002
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You're doing AWESOME!! 
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Joined: Sep 2008
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OP
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Joined: Sep 2008
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It seems we are on a two good days one bad schedule. I finished reading SAA. I still have a few things to work out however. He won’t fill out the emotional needs questionnaire so I am just guessing about what his top five emotional needs are.
I know that sex and recreational companionship are in the top five but, he won’t let me anywhere near either of these. I almost get the sense that now that I know what has really been going on with him, he’s afraid of me.
It seems that at least on one level that has to be good. If there was no possibility of his wanting to be with me, then how could being with me threaten his relationship with the OW.
Tonight when he came home from work he broadsided me. I wasn’t looking for it and it caught me unaware and with my guard down.
I called him at 3:00 to ask if he could pickup some cigarettes on his way home. He said yes, no problem.
At 5:15 he called and said that he was going to be late. He was on his way home when he had to pull over a suspicious vehicle. It ended up being stolen which would push him even later. I said fine I would see him when he got home.
When he came walking through the door at 6:30 he seemed mad. I asked him what was wrong. He said that he was not too happy with me.
I asked him why? He said that I should have asked him if he had gotten the cigarettes yet when he called. I told him that I thought he had because he was so close to home. He said that if I had asked I could have saved him some time.
I asked him why he didn’t just ask me. He said he didn’t think that he had the right to do that anymore. He said that he was supposed to be learning to get by without my help.
I said that I was very sorry and that next time he should just tell me. He stayed pretty resentful.
I have a feeling that he was angrier at the fact that he wanted me to do it, than he was actually mad at me.
He has made several comments over the last few days that make me believe that he is really worried about having to handle the money and everything if he moves out.
He still says that he thinks that I’m going to throw him out any day. He has even gone back to only calling her after I’ve gone to bed, until today anyway.
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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He said that he did feel that he was being unfair with me by staying and still talking to the OP. Pumkin, your H is right about this. It is not only unfair but dangerous to your emotional and physical health. Living like this can cause you to grow to HATE him, and once that happens, it is very hard to turn it back. Adultery is the ultimate lovebuster, and it will quickly drain your feelings. It is an extreme form of ABUSE. My greatest concern for you is that I sense you are burying those hurt feelings and trying to present a FALSE BRAVADO, which makes it even worse. Instead of showing him your hurt feelings, you are trying to show him "compassion" for hurting you, which actually bolsters his fantasy. the way you are separating your lives in the same house actually HELPS HIM leave the marriage, which is not in your best interest, IMO. The solution is to learn to live together as a happy couple, not as a divorced couple. This strategy helps him feel comfortable LEAVING YOU, and worse, helps him carry on the affair from the security of his home, and I can't imagine that is the message you really want to convey? This set up is the ultimate PERFECT for any adulterer: to be left alone by his spouse in the safety and security of his home while carrying on his affair. That is cakeeating to an extreme, with your help. Here are some quotes from Dr. Harley that you might want to consider: When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly. That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS. The problem with a coninuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.
So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover. another: The primary reason for abandoning plan A for plan B is protection. The stress experienced in plan A (trying to care for someone too long who is hurting you more deeply than you ever have, or ever will, experience) can leave you physically and emotionally damaged. So the question each person must ask themselves is, "how tough am I?"
My experience is that men are tougher mentally and physically than women. By that, I mean that women seem to start falling apart emotionally and physically after just a few months, or even a few weeks, of plan A. Men, on the other hand, seem to be able to keep it up for years before experiencing health problems.
If I don't know a person too well, I tend to lean to the safe side by recommending 3-4 weeks of plan A for women, and 6 months for men. But if a woman is no worse for wear after a few weeks, or a man is feeling okay after 6 months, there's no reason to end plan A at that point. As you can see, it's inexact, and depends on how the person is doing. A good support system (like the support people often receive on the Forum) can often keep a person in plan A much longer.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2002
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he won’t let me anywhere near either of these MINDSET, Pumpkin..let's work on that MINDSET... Like I was telling Sunflower, what's helped me MOST from the very beginning was to learn to FOCUS ON MYSELF...and NOT HIM... The KEY is for YOU to WORK on A PLAN to meet his primary ENs..NOT what HE'S gonna ALLOW you to do.. The WS doesn't want PLAN A to WORK...he wants to maintain his addiction... When I was doing PLAN A, it didn't LOOK LIKE it was being effective. He doesn't want to let on that it's working... PLAN A is preliminary for PLAN B...the purpose is to create positive memories of YOU..it is YOUR PLAN..not about what HE ALLOWS... I almost get the sense that now that I know what has really been going on with him, he’s afraid of me. EXACTLY..just like DRACULA..like we have called Bugsy's WH...repelled by the GOODNESS...wanting to remain in the DARKNESS of EVIL... He has even gone back to only calling her after I’ve gone to bed, until today anyway. Part of PLAN A IS negotiating THE END of his relationship with her..ask him to not CALL HER AT ALL in your house... Waywards are just INSANE..my H was...sometimes UP..sometimes DOWN..trying to pick fights with you...it all has to do with the nature of his CONVERSATIONS with HER... That's why it has to be about YOU...gaining and maintaining your own SANITY... You're my girl, though..YOU KNOW ALL THIS STUFF..and KNOW how TO WORK IT...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Joined: Sep 2008
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OP
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 45 |
I can't tell you melody how much I appreciate your concern. I know that I have to look out for my own mental health first. Going to church and seeing my counsler have really helped with this. I feel like the first few weeks after I discovered the affair were really a waste. I had not read the books or really read enough on the site. The last week or so I have found the action I am able to take really enpowering.
I'm not normally as emotional as most women. It was one of the qualities that my husband found most attractive when we first meet. Now that I have read SAA and started the process of separating our finances I feel much more in control.
I know that plan B is likely in this situation with both an EA/PA. However, I want to make sure that I have all of my ducks in a row before I make my move.
Over the last week I've been eating more and sleeping more. If anything my husband has been more emotional than me. He seems really confused.
I don't think the OW is responding exactly the way he planned.
When she canceled the November trip it really threw him off of his game. He won't be able to see her until January at the soonest and if he goes plan B will definately go into effect.
By that time I will have everything arranged and be ready to move him out as a strong confident woman.
I told my older sister today what has been going on. She is a psychiatrist and we talked about the situation in depth. She knows my husband really well and agreed with all of Dr. Harley's concepts.
I will be careful and not let things go to far. I always function better if I have a clearly laid out plan. This is what I'm in the planning stages of right now. I am prepared for all eventualities.
My husband however is not.
I appreciate all of your and everyone's concern.
I am the pheonix (even have the tatoo to prove it).
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 45
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OP
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 45 |
Who is this alien sleeping in my bed? Why is it so much harder when he is being nice? It’s like if only for a moment I forget.
Then something triggers it and I remember. Tonight we were just watching TV together. We were watching old westerns and pointing out young actors that went on to become famous.
We’ve spent a thousand nights like this in our marriage. It was so nice. He got a new laptop from work and we were looking over it and figuring out how to change some of the settings. We were both pleasant and she never came up.
One moment it was just the two of us and then he reached over to the side table and picked up his phone and looked at his messages. He typed a short one back never saying a word. He didn’t have to of course; I could feel the third person in the room.
I could feel the devastation start. It’s like it slowly crawls over me pore by pore. I didn’t want to mess up my plan A so; I told him that I needed to go to bed. I wished him a pleasant night and went up stairs.
Crossing the threshold of my room was like opening up a flood gate. I started to cry and pray at the same time. I kept thinking in my head, “When my husband comes home and sees how much you’ve hurt me he’ll kill you”.
I wanted to scream it at this alien that has stolen my husband and ruined my life. It would be funny if it wasn’t so bizarre. My husband has always been so protective of me. How can he possibly be this man how is so careless of every one of my feelings?
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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Joined: Aug 2008
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How you doing Pumkin? Your last post reminded me of me again. The husband that would do anything to not see you cry, then one day it seems that he did nothing but cause it.
I hope you are ok.
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Joined: Dec 2002
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Who is this alien sleeping in my bed? Why is it so much harder when he is being nice? It’s like if only for a moment I forget. EXACTLY, hon. A Wayward is an ALIEN. Looks like your spouse, acts like your spouse but NOT to be confused with the REAL THING...I know, YUCK... I could feel the devastation start. It’s like it slowly crawls over me pore by pore. I didn’t want to mess up my plan A so; I told him that I needed to go to bed. I wished him a pleasant night and went up stairs. It's OK in PLAN A to CALMLY yet ASSERTIVELY tell him TO NOT communicate with her in your presence. PLAN A requires NO LOVEBUSTING which would includes ANGRY OUTBURSTS but you are not supposed to allow him to DISRESPECT YOU like that...it's such a harsh blow to your own self-esteem..like slapping yourself in the face...However, if you cannot control your anger, which you clearly held inward, causing the DEVASTATING FEELINGS, then yes, remove YOURSELF from the SITUATION..THE RULE IS: YOU CAN ONLY REALLY CONTROL YOURSELF... I started to cry and pray at the same time. I kept thinking in my head, “When my husband comes home and sees how much you’ve hurt me he’ll kill you”. I soooo FEEL this PAIN with you..been right there in the exact same situation, doing the exact same thing..and it CAN HAPPEN..I PRAY it for you..My husband has returned and would definitely want to kill to protect me these days...BUT when he was WAYWARD..he was EXACTLY like your husband or WORSE...I hope it helps to know that such A PRAYER for RETURN of my HUSBAND has happened in MY LIFE... I wanted to scream it at this alien that has stolen my husband and ruined my life. It would be funny if it wasn’t so bizarre. My husband has always been so protective of me. How can he possibly be this man how is so careless of every one of my feelings? EXACTLY..it is BIZARRE..my H has not even read about this NOTION..but actually tells people who missed seeing him during that time (cause he and OW went undercover): "I was captured by ALIENS"... I really believe that he was TEMPORARILY INSANE..and for my husband, it was AN ADDICTION. He was just like any CRACK ADDICT about HER...It took a year of WITHDRAWAL for him to be himself again...  ..praying for you..you sound so much like me during those days....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 45
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OP
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 45 |
I felt like it was time to start a new post. A week ago my husband called me downstairs to tell me that he was ready to end his affair. He said that he couldn’t do it any more. He felt like he was having a nervous breakdown.
He was crying and was very panicked. I asked him if he knew what that meant and he said that he knew he would have to break it off completely with her but, he didn’t know how.
I read him the chapter in SAA on how to end an affair. We sent the no contact e-mail, blocked his phone, canceled and changed all of the e-mail accounts, and threw out everything that she had given him.
At first he seemed very relived. Then the next day the withdraw started. I had read SAA twice so I thought I was prepared for it but, I guess you never really are. I read him about withdraw; he said he wasn’t ready to read the whole book for himself.
Each day this week he has been making little gestures to show that he is trying doing the dishes, vacuuming. He even sent me a picture that he was wearing his wedding ring again. He has told me when he is thinking about her so that we can talk about it and we are finally sleeping together again.
I knew that things were going to well and the crash came today. Every other day this week he has had to go to work at night and this forced him to get out of the house and to be active.
Today was his first day off. We were supposed to go to a football game but when he woke up he said that he was to tired. Later when we got up from a nap we were going to go to the store. He said he was depressed and couldn’t stop thinking about her.
He says that he doesn’t like the way he broke it off with her. He says that he should have explained more. He doesn’t understand why he feels more depressed now than when he first broke it off.
I got upset and told him that we should just go do things to get out of the house even if he doesn’t feel like it.
If he spends all of his days off lying in bed, he’ll just get more depressed and think about her more.
How can I help him handle the withdraw more. Is there anything that I can do?
We know that we can’t really work on our marriage while he is in this stage.
In some ways I feel more vulnerable now than I did before he ended it.
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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