I have a better edit...

I would send a statement that... you are delusional if you think this absense from your children combined with your marriage-long absence in their lives combined with you taking $100k from me after abandoning your children will do anything but cement their disgust with you as a parent. Also I have no intention to re-marry or have a relationship with someone that is so selfish as to take a trip to europe using the $100k I gave her to set up a new home for an extended time rather than repair their shattered relationship with their kids.

You should not reply.

You should tell her mom.

Her trip is what I had expected your WW to do. When handed $100,000.

Time to do a plan B. Do not let her think that you will be waiting for her.

Catperson, MIM, Road, SS:

Thanks as always for the perspectives. I'm still struggling with what to do. Given that we are D I think a plan B letter is not right. I was thinking that I should just send her a letter like this in email. I was also thinking I'm going to let her tell her own mother and father.

E

I know you have always dreamt of spending time in Italy, and I remember that you loved the movie "Under Tuscan Skies", but I must say that I think taking this trip now will make it even more difficult for you to have a good relationship with the children. I am also concerned that you don't understand how I feel about you. Our divorce was amiable and I did offer to let you stay at the end, but I do not love you anymore. I will not even consider having a relationship with you ever again. Please think carefully about what you are about to do.

Gabe

Wow, this has really moved fast. I'm shocked at how quickly you guys were divorced.

"Plan B" at this point should be about removing her influence from your life. Responding to her the way you're thinking of doing maintains that influence. It will keep the "drama" going.

Your "Plan B letter" at this point could be as simple as:

"XXX:

Going forward, I believe it is best that we do not contact each other than for the sake of the children.

6YL."

I knew as soon as I read that that she is an Under the Tuscan Sun fan and now thinks she is Diane Lane. I am sorry, but that really made me laugh. More runaway wayward delusions.


I believe this translates as, "And once I have blown through the $100K I will be back for more."


She asked this so her mother doesn't have to tell her to just grow up and act like an adult.


A wayward with the mind of a 10-year old would equate to a genius in the normal population.

Your letter is nice but is an open invitation to more drama and contact. I would not respond. That is how you convey your most powerful message to her. With silence.

One more try at an email for xW. I am worried that silence with no reply at all is tacit agreement.


E

I know you have always dreamt of spending time in Italy, and I remember that you loved the movie "Under Tuscan Skies", but I must say that I think taking this trip now will make it even more difficult for you to have a good relationship with the children. I am also concerned that you don't understand how I feel about you. Our divorce was amiable and I did offer to let you stay at the end, but I do not love you anymore. I will not even consider having a relationship with you ever again.

Do not contact me directly again. I will not answer your calls or read your emails. If you want to arrange time with the children arrange that through your parents or my parents.

Gabe

Coachswife,

Virginia is fast when adultery is proven or admitted. In the end xW wanted the divorce as much as I did maybe more.

If you feel you must I would cut it down to the basic message:



E

I know you have always dreamt of spending time in Italy, and I remember that you loved the movie "Under Tuscan Skies", but I must say that I think Taking this trip now will make it even more difficult for you to have a good relationship with the children. I am also concerned that you don't understand how I feel about you. Our divorce was amiable and I did offer to let you stay at the end, but I do not love you anymore. I will not even consider having a relationship with you ever again.
Do not contact me directly again. I will not answer your calls or read your emails. If you want to arrange time with the children arrange that through your parents or my parents.

Gabe

I differ a little here from the other posters. I think that, if it were me, I would include the part about "I do not love you anymore and would not consider a relationship with you again". it seems like she needs to hear the truth.

But then again, perhaps it would fall on deaf ears, I don't know.

Do you think she is truly capable of finding her way around Italy? alone? I have been there numerous times and yet I would still be intimidated to go alone. I am thinking that her Mom should know, in case there is any reason to be afraid for her safety. Yikes.

WOF,

I am working on the letter. I think I will include the do not love you sentence.

She will not be able to find her way around Italy. She has only ever been to Mexico (I speak Spanish passably) and to Japan (I can also do a little bit of Japanese but they are ok with English) . Both places were with me and she was completely lost when she tried to do things. I am thinking I will tell her mother, I'm pretty sure that English is rare in the Tuscan countryside.

I do want to separate myself from her drama so I can focus on the children.

6YL, I think the place you want to get to with your XW is not love or hate, but "indifference".

You're not going to reach there by making proclamations about love to her, whether it's "I love you" or "I don't love you". Any response like that will just continue the drama that you're trying to get away from - because it's likely to encourage a response from your XW. She's likely to think that you're making that comment just because you're hurt over the D, not something you mean seriously.



Then stop wondering if she'd be able to "find her away around Italy " .

I saw this yesterday and didn't respond until today because it just so totally floored me, I didn't know *what* to think.

The only thing I get out of this, really, after thinking about it a lot, is that this is why we advise folks to NOT make any big decisions for at least six months after D-day. Folks get into recovery, realize it's hard work, and wonder if it's worth the effort. Your XW seemed to be working hard at first - honesty and transparency, remorse, changing her behavior. She went through a LOT in a very short time and I'd be surprised if she hadn't asked herself "is it worth all this effort"?

Your XW jumped at the D idea, but doesn't seem to have had time to digest it at all. She is dreaming of a fairy-tale trip to Europe, followed by a fairy-tale reconciliation with her children, and a fairy-tale relationship and M with you. She made her decision, and is making her plans, without time to think about what she's doing and what the repercussions will be. If she'd taken six months to decide on D, things might well be different for her.

Plan B would have been great for her, too. She'd have had an opportunity to see what life is really like without your support (financial or emotional). That might have given her the incentive to realize that her life (M'd to you) was worth the hard work being asked for her.

Unfortunately, she bolted, and it's going to cost her heavily in the future.

I sent her this email and then blocked her address. Should I tell the kids she is going to Italy for a few months? I'm torn because I think they should know but I'm cutting off contact so I won't really know what she is up to.


E

Taking this trip now will make it even more difficult for you to have a good relationship with the children. Our divorce was amiable and I did offer to let you stay at the end, but we will never have a relationship again.

Please remember that once the money is gone there will be no more from me.

Do not contact me directly again. I will not answer your calls or read your emails. If you want to arrange time with the children (if they choose to see you) arrange that through your parents or my parents.

Gabe

Personally, I think it was a good message. Short, and to the point. It should not leave any doubt in her mind of where you stand.

You probably need to let her parents, and yours, know that you would rather not have direct contact with her.

And her mom should know about the Italy trip.

I have worked in the travel industry for 15 years now, and I have a genuine concern for her well being on this trip. You have no obligation towards her as a W, or XW. But I do think you have an obligation to her physical well being as a human, and as the mother of your children. If she gets on a plane and flys off to Italy without a word to her parents, she could turn up missing and no one would know where she was. If something "bad" were to happen to her, while she was there, and you had not warned her Mom ahead of time, you would have regrets. Also - if something happens to her parents while she is gone, they would need to get ahold of her. She is a complete idiot to think that she can just hop on a plne with no cares and be perfectly fine. This whole trip idea is further proof that her head is not on straight.

Some of the things she does not likely realize: her current cell phone, as is, will not work over there. Many small towns do not like to take foreign credit cards, and who knows if she has the right ATM card. she can take the train from the big city, to a small town, but she will need to read a little Italian to know what train to get on, and which track. Further, once she gets to the small town that she is going to, there may not be a cab there to take her to her hotel or villa. Not to mention - depending on how she is making her travel arrangements, she could be reserving some villa in Tuscany off the internet, only to discover when she gets there that the villa owners do not know anything about her,and she can not stay there, and she is out thousands of dollars. I hope she is using a good agent to help her, but somehow I doubt it.

anyway - for those of you who say "why should 6 care if she is running off to Italy" I would say - he does not need to "care". BUT he knows about it,and no one else does. Her parents have a right to hear about it now, when they can at least get a little info about where she will be, if they need to talk to her in an emergency. They are still her parents - and they have a right to know. if my son were planning to do something stupid like this, and someone else knew, I pray they would tell me about it.

WOF,

Since they are coming over tonight for dinner I am going to mention it. I will just tell them that I have asked her to use them as intermediaries because I did not want to be in the position of being her only contact with US when she is in Italy.


I seriously doubt her parents can talk her out of going to Italy but I do think they can at least make reliable travel arrangements.

You are almost certainly correct that she has not thought about cell phones or money. Her current phone can work in Europe but I doubt that it is enabled.

Wow, but Diane Lane made it look so easy.

Chisner,

I had to laugh at that. I absolutely hated that movie, but xW has watched it about 50 times. I swear it is like crack for some women.

Dinner with xMIL and xFIL went really well. They are just doing everything they can to make this work out, and not just because I have 5 of their 7 grandchildren. They really seem concerned about me as well. MIL told the children at dinner that W is going to spend sometime in Italy. The girls were super snotty about it but seemed to expect something like this. The twins were just sad, so I spent a few hours playing video games (which I hate and they love) with them.


Apart from the whole Tuscan drama, I'm feeling much happier. A week in Disney for all of us is planned and Sam is coming along. This weekend I am gutting my bedroom and refurnishing it more with guy stuff. I don't even need any furniture other than the bed. I never realized that all of my clothes fit in less than 1/4 of the closet with no bureaus or anything.

The girls are asking to redecorate the family and living rooms as well. I think that might be a nice project for them. The kitchen has always been mine so that is staying just the way I like it.

What do people do with things like wedding gifts, china, silver, crystal? I was thinking storage and then I would give it to one of the girls?