I dont know if you read my first thread or not. My WH and I both made so many mistakes, especially in the past year. He is not in another country and we have been discussing reconciling. I knew he had one PA that he had immediately told me about, but because he couldnt get over her and I didnt properly do MB, it went downhill fast. In the past year we have also both had EA, or so I thought. Fastforward to tonite. We have been discussing reconciling and he has been having a hard time with EA and giving her up. I have been doing a long distance plan A, and I also wrote a NC to my OM (EA) for my husband sends when he wants to and I took texting off my phone since that was how I had been communicating. Now I have had NO CONTACT with OM since June. I had even been looking into trading my fancy texting phone to a standard since I thought it would be a trigger. Last week my husband tells me he needs to tell me something. We talk via IM with camera. He tells me that the affair was not just emotional. I know big shock right? He had a PA before so he lies but I truly believed him. He did downplay how physical though and that it was after we separated in June. I was so upset but told him I did still want to be withhim and we could work on it. Tonite, I got another we have to talk emails. I got on and he kept asking me if I had questions. Finally I hit the right question, and found out that the PA had started MONTHS before we separated. Now to me this puts a new angle, because we were intimate during that time. He slept with her and then me. He tortured me emotionally when he found out about my EA because he thought more of me then that. THe whole time he was exposing me to who knows what. Now here I am at 5 am still awake because I cant fathom it. MY WH wasnt the best husband but he worked hard, made me smile daily and I always felt that I was the only one in his world, till last year. Even then though, he told me immediately that he had strayed. Through everything that he did to me this past year, I always did trust him. Now that is completely gone, and it was that one piece that I still had, does that make sense? I just dont know what to do. I still love him of course, but I still feel in shock. In fact he could probably tell me he was lying and I would almost beleive him because t his hurts to bad. Can we truly get past this still? Of course my first thing is to get an STD test.

Well, now that the whole truth is out, is he willing to start treatment for being a sex addict? Also is he willing to stop drinking?

I would give it some time. There is no hurry. Watch very closely what he DOES and not what he says.

Should I continue doing plan A from afar? I believe he said he is willing to do anything to get us back, but I might have to revisit that since my world was spinning at the time. He was on IM talking to my son earlier, he asked about me but my son told him my back was hurting. I had finally been able to deal with the 1st PA and Dday anniversary was a little over a month ago, it seemed to help me deal. Now this, I feel like I am back there again just different woman. I am now questioning every thing that I have ever heard out of his mouth.

Thank you believer.

Yes, I would Plan A him, and wirk on myself. You need to get very strong, and this is a horrible shock. Take your time. You will find out what ACTIONS he is willing to take. That is very important. He needs to get treatment for SA and also stop drinking.

I realize he had a terrible childhood, but he is an adult now and needs to take responsibility to get some help. Otherwise he will continue to do the things that have caused so much trouble.

I know you are hurting, so go very slowly. Make a promise to yourself that you deserve a healthy, happy relationship.

I have been working on me and our kids since he left. I was doing IC but we werent clicking. I went there to work on me and she spent to much time telling me about her. I have been thinking of going to someone else, and I am thinking now is the time. I have been talking to my oldest about going to someone also, he has been resisting and I didnt want to push him. I was so upset last night and woke several times during the night and just stared in the darkness. This morning I felt nothing. I dont know if I am numb or deep down did I expect this from him. Thank you for your help, I am going to go play operation with the kids.

Recoverynation has a good online program for SA that has a section for spouses. It will let you know that you are not alone. Also you need to go to Alanon. They will help you deal with the alcoholism.

I'm sure you will be in a state of shock for awhile and will be on the rollercoaster, one day wanting him, and the next day numb.

Playing Operation with your kids is a good choice. Don't start drinking to kill the pain.

You know last night after he told me I told him I was going to drink. I did pour a glass but then spit out. I have never been much a drinker but in the beginning after Dday, I drank alot. I just spoke to him for a minute. It was just chit chat, but he has a thing about the kids being noisy and I have thing that unless they are back talking or throwing a fit, I dont think its awful for them to be noisy when laughing or playing. He told me I needed to do somthing about it. This was always a big LB for me. I hated when he would tell me, not suggest but TELL me how to parent our children,, when he didnt lift a hand towards the end. Ok that was a vent and I didnt want to take it out on him. I am looking into AlAnon, I chickened out before. Also, thank you for the suggestion on SA

Good girl. This is the time to make good decisions that will lead to a wonderful life, and hope that he will join you. Take good care of yourself and your family. Make your home warm and welcoming. Exercise, and do some fun things.

And go to Alanon. The fellowship really helps.

Ok for those days that you want to really hurt him? What do you do? I was thinking if you dont have anything good to say dont say anything at all? He is in this self pity thing and I find it hard to console a man for getting dumped by the woman that he exposed me to and left me for.

Today is a day I dont know how much I have left. I am exhausted by this latest unveiling. I have now questioned everything even events that led up to us meeting.

On a side note, I did schedule a full checkup including STD testing and maybe some ADs.

Take care of you, and do the things you need to do. Don't buy the self pity. That is how they all are. Poor me.

have you looked into S-Anon.... www.sanon.org

it's a 12 step group for family members of sexaholics.....like AlAnon

Thank you Cinderella. I did notice S-Anon mentioned and looked at the website.

I got an email today apologizing for the "woe is me" stuff yesterday. Of course it was full of more, but he wanted to point out that it wasnt directed at me.

I had a bad day today cause I kept thinking about him at work and being irritated. I am having a real hard time with this. Him lying about when he started sleeping with the second woman. I am having a harder time with this then I did with the first D day. I have been through alot this year with him and yes I did go to another man emotionally. I shouldnt have, it hurt everyone involved and I should have been stronger. I did try though. I tried to be the good wife and not love bust him. I didnt vent my frustrations to him, unfortunately I vented them to another man. My husband has put me through such hell though, and our kids. And now even, he is still in love with this other woman and wants to come to me to complain about her dumping him?

I dont know. I feel as though I screwed up plan A so much this past year but that I still wore myself out and now I cant even do an effective plan b.


See bad day.

Continue saving yourself first. Do the SA partner work, and alanon. You need to get strong to deal with hubby. I would take my time, and see what ACTIONS he takes.

Remember, talk is cheap. His actions will tell you more than his words.

Also, think back to all those times you may have been on an airplane. When they give the safety lecture at the start of the flight, they instruct you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping anyone else. If you don't take care of yourself, you will not be able to do any other healing.

Better day today. I emailed my husband last night and let him know that I was taking some time so that I could deal with the latest revelation. I kept it civil and told him that I did love him and that was why I wanted to make sure I didnt act out.

You know what makes me feel better? Sticking to a budget! haha sad huh? I have my son into it also. We went shopping tonite and now I am precooking some meals for the week.

Thank you for the airplane analogy, I get it:)

I was thinking today, wow I didnt get an email from him yesterday or day, maybe he understands and is letting me heal a bit. TILL I got home. There it was. A nice long email without punctuation saying he does understand but then its full of jabs of everything I have done wrong in 10 years. He completely missed my email saying I wanted to work on myself and heal so that I didntact like a child. What do I get? The usual. I resisted replying. I am to tired. Had a nice dinner with kids and will finish my reading from Recovery Nation tonite.

My husband called a little while ago. It is only the 2nd time I have talked to him on the phone since he left in May, we mainly talk via camera on the net.

Anyway, he wants to come home. He says he has not been in contact with OW in 3 weeks now, since she dumped him and said he was obsessed with her. He said he toldme that he wanted to come home and was going to be getting a ticket with his next check. He probably did, but I was pretty shellshocked after the admission of physical affair. He said he is ready to work on the marriage and that there will be absolutely no contact with OW and that he knows he has to work on himself (ie alcohol)

I cried on the phone with him alot tonite. I know we can not work on this marriage being on different continents. I know my children miss him terribly. I know he was a good husband for many years. I am still scared out of my mind though.

I have gone to the dr and got a physical and all test I needed. Of course I still need to await the results. I have been working on myself as a mother and individual. In inquiring about sex addiction, I seem to have alot of those characterisics myself. More Love not Sex, but some of it fits.

I have had a horrible week, the economy scares me, being a single parent scares me. I dont know if I am paranoid or not but I feel people at work talking about me and I feel like I truly do not have a single GOOD friend. The only person that I let involved in my life, that knows everything, is God. I pray and pray. It comforts me, but I do wish I had a g/f to talk to. Me not leaning on God is what put me in an emotional affair. I confided in him instead of God.

So any suggestions on when WH comes back?

My suggestion is that you take your time and watch him work on his issues BEFORE he comes back.

You may be a bit depressed. I forget whether you have taken anti-D's or not. The feeling of having no friends and people at work talking about you usually goes with being betrayed. It will get better. Hold your head up high and keep working on your issues.

I thought I was depressed but my Dr. kinda "hmmmm" me the other day. I still have to back for a followup probably this week or next and I need to ask about antidepressants again.

I want to watch him to see how he is before taking him back, but how do you do that when you are 3000 miles away? He can come back in the country but there is no way of getting a place to live for himself. We also have an immigration issue if he does not come back soon.

I kinda let him have it last night on what I was worried about him coming home. He kept trying to reassure me and telling me that he knows its going to be hard work on both our parts and that he knows he has not been nice. I kept asking why there were times that he used me as his verbal punching bag, he said he didnt know but that he was sorry. He called me early today (he usually contacts us around 6 our time) he called at 2. He said he wanted to check on me, see how I was.

I dont know if it sounds stupid or not, but I am not worried about the cheating. THe cheating hurts like nothing else. I worry about him chasing dreams. I have always worried about that. He is the dreamer type, and would have been an astronaut if possible. He is an artist, and paints his dreams. I didnt worry as much when I believe the kids and I were his dream. Now I dont know. I feel like his family is his safe haven.

I would talk again with your doctor. Anti-D's really do work.

The immigration thing is a problem. But I would insist that hubby work on his issues from Day 1.