ears_open,
That reminds me of a couple of sessions of MC we did when we were in the heat of conflict about moving to Belgium. We were able to keep a civilized conversation in front of the counselor but failed to do so at home. Instead my H would say you can't do such as such as the counselor said such and such. I stopped going to the counseling after that. It was his own therapist whom I felt helped him feel better but not improve much. THe therapist actually told me that my H won't change, she said I would need an outlet. Thanks for looking it up for me.

When we argue about sth at home, H always says he can't talk to me as I blame him for everything. THen he calls me a saint and I will just walk out of the room.

I am not sure MC alone is enough either but would like to start there. Myself needs help in how to repond to his behavior.

You have taken a big step by posting here and reading,Echo. But this will take a LOT of work and both have to be committed to getting better,especially for those kids.
It's going to take a lot of work. But each step is a step toward healing.
I am just very concerned about your children.

That's why you need to read the books on abuse. Or find a psychologist who specializes in abuse cases. That is the only way you will be able to work around his manipulation. What ears was trying to say is that an abusive personality will use your caring as a weapon against you. Just like you just described. It keeps YOU feeling responsible for his happiness, but he will never GIVE you his happiness, because then he would lose control over you. He may not even be aware he is doing this, so I'm not saying he's an evil person; just that he has these 'skills' that get him what he wants. And you have to protect yourself from those skills by being stronger and not giving in, if you're going to stay with him. He feels bad? Too bad. Let him find a solution that serves both of you, not just him.

I got to admit that I am a bit freaked out by you gals/guys. My local multiple moms group also responded to my message (a lot less than what I wrote here) with strong concerns and mentioning of the word "abuse". The thing is I am a very strong and independent person and often was said to be tough. I have a hard time associating myself with "abuse victim".

i gave my insurance mental network a call today and talked to a counselor on the phone, who pretty much said things along the line of catperson. She also insisted I get individual therapy right away. She does not think MC will help me much at this point. She even insisted in connecting me to National Domestic Violence line.

So I decided to change the appointment next week from MC to IC. When H heard this, he had a hard time understanding it as he sees we have communication issues and should both be there. I told him that I panicked a little with people's responses on this board (btw he never read this link even if I gave it to him). He said "a bunch of housewives will panick on a lot of things". I knew he would remark as much and told him that is what the counselor on the phone insisted as well, she actually told me she would call me if she does not see authorization on my case within a few days. H said he is not comfortable about me talking about him without him and he believes I have issues that I need to work on as well. I told him then you have nothing to lose for me to do IC.

In the evening I asked him to do the Emotional needs questionare together with me and exchanged results. We had a nice conversation/discussion. He said he felt really bad to hear me telling him how he cursed kids and he repeated that he would never do such things again. He said when he hears I say I will take the kids and leave him, it scares the heck out of him. He told me he wish we could redo our life for past two years and wish I could look past all the hurts and believe he is here for me and my kids, we are the most important thing to him.

So I will go in next week to do IC as I really want to figure things out.

Echo, I'm so glad to hear that. I can tell you're a really strong person. I wish I was as strong as you; I would have fixed my problems years ago. I think it would help you to read my thread, if you're so inclined (it's called "I can't talk; he has no problem"). Our husbands are a lot alike. Both really good people who have learned to get what they want/need by trying to control the other people. That doesn't make them bad people. It just makes them someone who can learn better skills, and learn that you won't accept being less important than him.

The most important thing I ever read about abusers is that they feel a really intense emotion about the person they hurt. But it comes from their need to protect themselves - they see in you someone who will feed their ego, because you have chosen to live with them; so they are terrified you will leave and will control stronger and stronger to keep you. Anyway, they are convinced they love you because that feeling they have about you is so intense; thus they can't understand why you don't reciprocate. "But I love you!"

Now, I'm not saying that's your H. It's possible he's just like mine, who is a nice person but uses abusive strategies because that's what worked in his childhood. If that's the case, you can certainly 'teach' him what you will and won't accept; he will either learn to live with the 'new' you or will try to control you harder. In which case you can either give up on the new happy you and concede to him, or you can kick him out.

My D18 is a very strong person. Very outgoing, fearless, full of life. She started dating a boy last summer who was abusive. He started in with the negativity, being a victim, telling her she was hurting him, saying everything was her fault...within a month, I heard a phone conversation in which she was crying (!) and apologizing to him for hurting him! That day, I sat her down and explained what was going on. She decided to break up with him. I told her what the cycle would be when she did - he would be surprised, then cry, then get desperate, then get mad, then try to control, then cry again when that didn't work, get desperate again, get mad... Sure enough, two hours of calls, texts, and emails, exactly like that.

They follow predictable routes. Just like your H saying we're quacks, saying you shouldn't talk about him, saying you shouldn't go without him, then saying you need help (putting you down to make you doubt yourself)...

Just be strong and follow your intuition. If it goes well, he will realize he has to change how he deals with you, and you can go on to have a great life together. Make sure he knows that your changes aren't being done just so you can get rid of him - that you're trying to repair the marriage so you CAN stay.

Do you have a library or book store nearby? I really wish you could read that book this weekend, before you go to IC.

Finally, you might want to consider changing your name on here. If you H gets desperate enough to stop you on this path to recovery, he'll probably come here to see what you're doing and saying, and try to mess it up. Happens all the time. If you change your sign-in name, it will change all your past posts too, so he may not be able to find the thread.

Good luck!

PS, I forgot to say that if your H is willing to work on this, take advantage of it. But MB recommends that you discuss Love Busters first because if you don't stop the LBing, it doesn't matter if he meets all your needs, because you'll still be basically unhappy. So ask him to fill out the LB questionnaire. However, if he is truly abusive, Dr Harley says that following MB can actually be detrimental because he will use it against you, to manipulate the situation. So be very careful, and get a lot of feedback from people to make sure you're on the right path.

I think it's good that you are going to IC by yourself first.
Early on in our marriage,we had lots of problems. My H yelled and screamed,broke my things and was very emotionally abusive,making fun of me in front of people,telling me I was a nothing.
I was beside myself and took blame for his actions. It was a long road but I learned a lot about myself and why he was the way he was and I was the way I was. But it was totally worth it.
I realize now that I had to confront my problems before I could confront his.

Dear Catperson,
I read a few pages of your post and certainly see some similarities between our cases. While it will take me a while to read through 102 pages, I want to tell you how remarkable a change I see from you now and from where you started. I am very proud of you and hope I can go through such changes myself.

My H and I had an argument. His parents just left after 3-week stay, during which he mentioned to me he wants his whole family from Belgium to come for Xmas and would like to get tickets for half of them who can't afford. Mind we both have great jobs which come with high stress but with morgages, daycare for twins, we are very careful with money. So I told him no, plus I want to see my mom who is 75 years old and can no longer fly long distance. Also, H just shipped some furniture built by his grandpa from Belgium even I told him we should not do it if it costs more than 3k, he sneered how could I put a price on his emotional value. So it started at 4.5k, now it is detained in NY and the cost is already 6.6k. His parents paid from the belgium side and we actually don't have that flexible cash right now, plus the property tax bill is coming in with 9k. H even suggested selling stocks to get money for his family union (at this time with huge loss), which I think just insane.
For 4-5 years we have been together, we have been visiting his family 1-2 times a year, I went back to my own family in China once myself, the whole family together only once (after he responded "f*cking impossible" and eventually turned around). After the outbreak we had in his parents' house where his own family ganged against me to pressure me to move to Belgium for good, I no longer feel the same about his family but try to treat them politely with issues aside. I don't need to be told I should make my husband happy, do things for the family and love. They insisted we bring the boys for their 1st birthday in June and actually celebrated the birthday with one child first as one of his sisters had plans that evening, while I was napping with another kid for jetlag. Obviously they felt nothing wrong about that, when I pointed it out to H, he just dismissed me saying it's no big deal. I was the one who was up for both kids for jetlags at night while H slept soundly away in a different room. Inlaws insisted in feeding boys and actually tried to force feed them and caused one of them to start sticking finger down his throat each time. H stopped me from interfering saying his parents certainly know what to do for kids. I took over after a couple of days and spent the following month trying to correct the self-invoking throwup. They speak their own language which I don't understnad 90% the time around me even though they all speak English. Yes I don't enjoy being there. H spent his time laying on the couch watching TV with his dad while his mom brought him snacks to his mouth and cleared away trash along the way. His mom serves everyone at home, she proudly tells me it is her job. Rarely any of the family help unless I get up to help, they will follow.

This time before his parents came to visit, we had the incident where H was cursing one of the twins at 3am in the morning, when I took over, he started yanking the child while yelling into my ears "give me the child!!!" Out of desperation, I wrote his dad an email at 5am in the morning after putting down my scared child back to sleep and shutting myself in the bathroom to be away from H. I told him what happened. He responded that H's reaction is due to the lack of normal needs, in this case, his sleep. So for the first 14 months of having kids, I was the only one who got up to care for the children, now H helps on and off and it is understandable as he does not have his normal needs??? I regret my stupidity for asking help from H's dad and went ahead to set rules for their visit:
1. I am not going to move to Belgium, pls respect this decision.
2. It is my choice to keep my job, please stop questioning why I should trust other people to care for my own kids.
3. I respect how you raise your chidren and expect you to respect me for my own kids, pls don't impose parenting advices (we had tons of such advices flowing in from phone line and internet, example includes telling me to leave the crying child in a room where I can't hear).
4. I treat myself plenty nice and don't need to be told I need to serve him. That ship sailed a long time ago.

It was brutal on my side but I just decided to try to think about myself for a change. So when they were here, if I don't feel like joining them after kids were asleep, I would just stay upstairs. We were at peace until the day before they left, which was after a night of one child crying and the other due to some stuffy nose and teething. The first thing I heard in the morning was that I should mix starch with their bottle of milk before they go to bed. My boys are already on solid food and they only drink the bottle just before they go to bed. I told them this does not make sense for this age and they told me I should try it as everyone in Belgium does it this way. I said no and ticked H off and started yelling. I told him this is neither scientific nor nutritional, I don't care how things were done 30 years ago or how it is done in Belgium, I raise my kids my way, and I left. H called me after one minute saying I need to come home to attend to kids who were both screaming in the background. I told him 3 adults could handle this but turned around anyway, unable to bear my boy's crying. First thing I saw when I picked up the kid was a bleeding cut right on the eye lid like 2mm from his eyeball. I asked what happened and no one could tell me, they claimed they only saw it a few minutes ago. I asked if they treated the wound, H's mom said "oh no big deal, it is just a small cut". I was so mad but calmly found peroxide and neosprene and took care of my boy.

After his parents left, H has been talking to him through video camera twice a day, crying with his mom at each end. He then told me he wanted to go back home for Xmas. I said we just went in June and your parents just left. H then said he would take one child to Belgium while I can take one to China. I can't part from my 16months whom I never parted for one day. H became furious, saying he can't move to Belgium already and now I am taking away his time with his family.

It is like a magic button that opened up all the pain I experienced for the past two years, I tried to make him see how unfair this is, he can't expect me to spend all time/money to be with his family (esp after I took plenty of time off to be with sick kids which he refused to do). He does what he does when he feels threatened by telling me that is not acceptable. His family is dear to his heart and we have to go back to Belgium at least once a year, if I want to go back home, it has to be an extra trip to add. He said since he is already staying in US to be with me and kids, I need to respect his wish to spend as much time as possible with his family.

I walked away saying to myself "that is the end of me arranging my life for what you want, you don't deserve me". Later I talked to my sister in China who suggested we meet her in Hawaii for Xmas vacation as compromise. I told H as much, he just finished crying to his parents online, he accepted the proposal with the condition that he will go back to Belgium with at least one child next March and we will all go back next Xmas. He thanked me for coming up with a compromise and told me for a second he saw no hope in the relationship.

So all this week's conversation is for nothing. He keeps saying I am too good at retaining bad memories and should just focus on a fresh start with him. The thing is, he will keep doing what he is doing without understanding how badly it hurts me.

I did a lot of thinking this week and surpised myself in tracking the path as to how I got here in the first place. I read more other people's posts here and realized I am a pleaser. My parents never recognized me emotionally or for any of my accomplishments. All my years in college and graduate school, my parents never called me but will criticize me if I don't write too long. Each time I go home my parents keep feeding me how they ruined each other's life and how my birth was the reason they got stuck together. I grow up feeling guilty and doing 120% of anything I do, hungery for recognization. I take mental notes of friends/collegues for their likes and dislikes. If H mentions he wants sth, I would start hunting for it right away. meanwhile, I don't know what I want, I do what I have to do and I do it well.

In fact, I know what I want now, I want my boys to grow up happy.

Oh I changed my signature as suggested.

Catperson^^^^ Excellent point.

AileenY

You are incredibly strong...
Part of the cycle...Abusers tend to live in Denial...no matter what you say/do, it will bounce off him.

Go for IC, it helps to have another perspective.
That is SO wrong, on so many levels!

Souldragon,thanks for the comment. I have been often told my kids wake up at night because I spoil them too much. I think any wrongs on my kids are just unbearable to me, far more than whatever done to me.

Have I been strong or just buried my head in the sand?

Anyone ever gone through fertility workup? It is probably the one of the most humiliating and cruel experience for a woman. I try very hard to forget the journey yet this week it keeps coming back to me.

If my H did not lie completely, he only told me partial truth little by little.

He told me how much he wanted kids and the lack of interest in sex of his ex and her weak physique led to no child after 8 years of marriage. So after a few months of active trying, he strongly encouraged us to be aggressive. One of the first tests was to inject dye into the uterus to see if there is any blocking. I was given strong pain killer beforehand. H was upset that my appointment conflicted with his noon soccer game and told me to drive myself. When he realized I was not in a state to drive, he came with me in fury, complained how long the test took, said nothing comforting and hurried to catch his game.

After I was cleared, he told me, oh btw, I have male factor issues that cut down pregnancy rate to 1/3.

We started infertility counsultation. He insisted we go to the other clinic in case the first one remembered he was there with his wife who had to get abortion as he asked for the divorce. I did not like the doc at the second clinic but he said no way we would go to the first one as "it would be too hard for me".

We started with IUI (intra ulterus insemination). He would go to the clinic to leave the sample and would complain if he was given a simple toilet room versus the room where there was right lighting, couch and proper video. He would leave first as he did not have the patience to wait for my procedure.

Meanwhile he was pushing me to go to IVF right away as it has higher success rate "let's just get it done". He has no acknowledgement of how agressive this procedure is to a woman's body. This was also against our doc's suggestion who believes I have a good chance of success with IUI, even with his numbers. Meanwhile H was told to not to drink to improve his sperm quality, H complains often and slips a drink in on and off.

When the IVF treatment started, I had every single side effect. The headache was so bad that I would twist my hair to feel better. The hormone drugs resulted in weight gain, H told me I was getting less attractive. I was tired all the time, belly shots have to be done at the strict schedule, H said life has become boring. He also complained he was not getting enough sex, told me "even if you don't want sex, there are ways you can satisfy me". I started ignoring him then.

Through the monitoring period of time of IVF treament, H never went to the clinic with me as I was put through ultrasound and more drugs pumped into my body. He had to come in to sign paperwork with me, after which he left right away, leaving me behind and getting more paperwork and hearing all possible side effects etc. Same evening we had to go through leagal documents and sign them, H got mad at me for bringing out paperwork during his favorite TV show. later he signed without reading it, saying you read it already anyway.

The hormone druged continued after confirming pregnancy for weeks to maintain the pregnancy. H said it is worse for him as he had to do the injections, that is when I was limping from poor absorption of the medicine. My morning sickness kicked in from 5th week and I could not cook for a month or two. H never liked to cook and could live on bread/cheese/chips, which i could not under normal circumstances not to mention in early pregnancy. I honestly don't remember what I ate for that period of time. First time I cooked a full meal afterwards, H said "it is about freaking time". He also complained he could not eat chicken or popcorn, neither of which I could bear to smell.

3-5th month of pregnancy, we fought every single week even if I beg him to leave me alone. When I got so upset that I could not eat or sleep, he acused me of sabotaging the pregnancy. I lost 3 pounds during the week we visited Belgium, when his family ganged up to push me to move there for good. It was also the period of time that I saw no way out and shut down towards him. I remember myself driving in frenzy after a whole night of fighting without sleep or food, H was calling me again and again. He even got his shrink on the phone who told me not to leave him as he made so much progress. I told him to move out, I told him no way I would move to Belgium, I told him I would agree to the D, he always asked for forgiveness and told me I should have the faith that he loves me and I am everything to him. Meanwhile I moved to guestroom as he complains I snore at night (part of prenancy load result) and I moved around too much in bed (I was obviously uncomfortable), and he complained the lack of sex which I just ignored. We never went back to the same bed ever since. Only twice I had to ask him to drive me back in the middle of the day from work (we carpool), he told me I should drive 2nd car if I need to come back early.

It was so bad that we actually did a couple of rounds of marriage counseltation, with his therapist at his insistence (my mistake). The session was spent to explain how much I hurt him for choosing even leaving him over a small thing as moving to Belgium. He was nice, gentle, considerate during the therapy, offered to learn to cook a few home meals for me which never materized. He fought with me right afterwards, telling me I should do such and such as his therapist said so. I stopped going after two sessions which he blamed me for lack of efforts in our relationship.

I was put down for bedrest for the last 2 months of pregnancy, during which H would go to his buddy's house drinking on Friday night, even I was in high preterm labor risk. I also started having heart pulptation which I had to see specialist. All the doc visits were done alone. H only tagged alone for ultrasound as it was "more fun". He even yawns during these visits and complained we had to wait too long for doc to come in for consultation.

I was in labor for 27hr without epidural and ended up in C-section. I was in the hospital 4 nights during which he went home every night to get his rest. He thinks kids are in nursery and I can always get nurse to help if I need sth. His parents flew in on day 3 regardless my request of privacy for 2 weeks. his mom came with the promise of staying one month to care for me and kids, then left after one week. H went back to work as well, telling me he could no longer get up at night with me as he needs his rest for work. I was up every 2.5hr as I needed to pump and feed and clean bottles. When I didn't burp one child fast enough while attending the other, my baby would throw up or if both of them were crying and I could not hold both, I would cry with them. H sleeps downstairs and told me it was as hard on him as on me since he was always waken up and could not sleep afterwards.

I went back to work after 3 months and continued to get up at night on my own. Even during day time, H loathed bottle feeding kids as they burp, throwup and make a mess. He had trouble with diaper changing as he can't deal with touching boys' pen*s. he compained and complained for the lack of his time, his space. He insisted his buddy coming to our house every Friday which died down quickly as I won't have dinner ready for them and his single buddy could not understand why I was exhausted all the time but finally felt I could not handle visitors. H yelled at me for "being rude to my friend". I told him to feel free to join his buddy outside of the house, he said I was only saying that to make him feel bad. He also complained about my breastfeeding which he believed resulted in the lack of sex. he could not see my exhaustion and detest of him.

My mom was having heart troubles so I wanted to go home to show her grandchildren asap. H was very upset we would go back to China (for him the first time) but eventually went with me and actually had a good time. His parents came again and his mom said "you need to move to belgium" before they left and insisted in us coming for boys' 1st birthday. She said we needed to bring nothing as she got everything ready. By then I knew this family well enough to bring whatever I needed anyway, as there turned out to be two sets of shorts while the weather was still cold, I caught my kids in shorts as she wanted to see them in things she bought, on the tile floor while they were dressed in sweaters.

The jetlag and the start of daycare threw kids off schedule and we had lots of very long nights. Boys had to be separated in different rooms and I could no longer attend them at the same time. H started participating with the cursing at 2am. He would hold the child for 2 min, if the child was still crying, he would leave the child on the floor saying it is no use to hold you anyway, then started cursing. I remember myself screaming at him, crying while holding my baby, persuading him, even telling him to get out of the house if he could not stand it. He said he curse F*uck when he could not sleep and got impatient, he refused to go out as he believed I wanted him to feel like an inadequate father.

last time this happened, I took over the child as usual, humming a tune to him while rocking him. H suddently started yanking the child while screaming "give the child to me!!!". I held onto the child's leg as reflex while he continued to pull the child's arms. My boy was screaming and I was so shocked that I tried to push him away. he pushed me right back and I almost fell with child in my arms. I became hysterical and screamed at him to get out of the house and stay away from kids and me, I told him i would take them away from him as he does not deserve them. I started walking to the basement as I did not want to wake up the child in the next room. H followed me and kept saying "give him to me pls, I need him, I feel bad, I want to make up to him". I was so afraid of him, thinking in frenzy where my cell was, where my car keys were, but wait, I have one more child upstairs, I could not just leave.

H swore, apologized, promised he would never do that again. I told him i would dial 911 if anything even remotely close happens ever again. That is where I reached the threashold. I don't trust him. I can't live like this. My kids can't grow up like this.

H tried to dismiss the whole thing by saying it just took him longer to get used to being a father but now he enjoys the fatherhood. He has been patient with kids ever since but I never feel safe.

I took a test on a compassion link given here and found my bitterness has reached contempt and resentment level. That is about right. I don't want to break up this family yet, also H told me he would fight for both kids if I ever want a D.

Ok I will try to stop thinking and get some sleep.

****EDIT****

Get out....NOW! He calls his child a *ucking piece of *hit,they want to feed the child starch (How do you know they didn't"? and your crying child had a wound above his eyes. I would just have to see that would and I'd be gone so fast,they wouldn't know what hit them.
Honey,read your posts back to yourself. You are under so much stress. But these kids deserve better,much better.

This is not your real name, is it? If so, change it again to some word he would never think of. And remove your first user name from your last post. Seriously. When you leave this ****EDIT**** - WHEN, not if - he will go crazy trying to stop you. You can bet he will pour over every place you've been. And since you gave him this website, he'll look extra hard for those stupid housewives who gave you such bad advice, lol.

Hon, start your plans to leave him. NOW. He is dangerous. And whatever you do, do NOT let him take one of the boys overseas with him. You will probably never see him again.

I'm trying to scare you on purpose. People like him are ****EDIT****. Have you read that book yet? PLEASE go get it today.

And print out this wonderful quote and tape it to your mirror or on your computer monitor so you can see it all the time and learn it:

His lack of compassion for you is appalling.

I am not a housewife but a father of 2 boys myself. I have seen some fathers that do not share the enthusiasm I have for my boys (wanting to change diapers, get up in the night, read them stories). His absolute lack of compassion during the IVF process is pathetic and makes me want to puke. However, it pales in comparison to the lack of compassion he has toward your boys. We all can be inconsiderate, but this is absurd. I am terribly sorry you have to go through this and makes me thankful my situation is as meager as what it is. Think of your boys and do what is best for them (b/c it is what is best for you too!!)

This is all so alarming,Echo. All I'd have to see is my child hurt and I couldn't get out of that place with my kids fast enough. Your children are in danger from these scary people,Echo.
Don't make excuses for him. When we all were so concerned about how he was treating you and those kids,you backpedaled saying how "wonderful he is to them". That is the classic sign of an abused person,Echo.
I know a lot is at stake here,emotionally,physically and financially. But it's those kids that count. My bet is that they are doing their THEIR way when you aren't home. They are sick people and your H is their little boy.
Please,get those kids OUT OF THERE!

You‘ve already hit the red zone Aileen.
LOL…been called the same. So what? You can still walk OUT of the room. However, should you actively follow through on your threat to leave…I would not be so confident of your safety. Each is different. In my case…it becomes lethal.
Precisely….however, truth be told…it’s not that simple. He has to first OWN his actions…or in this case, inactions.

You are dealing with something far worse than a rage machine. <---Those are predictable….yours is NOT. Your children are paying the price.

Aileen, please document ALL cases of potential child abuse or questionable conduct towards your little ones. Date/ Time and actions/ Verbal abuse of the children.

He wanted children at ANY price,..,.WHY?

It’s very strange. His infertility problems he hid from you and then placed you in a great deal of pain…and watched…without a thought for you.

I cringed with revulsion and utter disgust reading the way he has treated you. There is something fundamentally lacking in him…


Strongly suggest you follow catperson's advice on keeping your presence on these forums as hidden as you can. The more you learn and come to realize what you are dealing with...the more he will twist it on you.

You need to start creating an escape plan....I KNOW you want to save the family and marriage....but you should have an escape plan building in the side lines...just in case.

All relevant and important documents for you and the kids duplicated and stored in a safety box of which he has no knowledge. Clear your internet history and cache. A separate account of which only you are aware ....and deposit there whatever you can justify without raising eyebrows...extra sets of keys to all vehicles and the house. That sort of thing...just in case....and bags prepacked and stored for you and the kids.

When your life partner is treating you lower than dirt....you don't owe them squat. In your case...you owe your beautiful babies and yourself much more.

You'll pull the plug on this insanity when YOU are ready... not before...but be ready, so that you land running.

If by some incredible stoke of lightning to bis awareness...he 'gets it'....all the more power to you. However...as before...don't hold your breath. And if you choose to do so...best of luck to you.

jewelldy, one of my boys does get bruise on regular basis as he has no fear and more brave than he should to get into things. I would have felt nothing about his small cut on the eyelid which I have seen similar things happening under my care, but given the circumstances that day, I got furious about it.

I am not comfortable to let H take one child overseas. FOrtunately he can't with the current system (he needs my written approval).

I read my own posts a couple of times back and forth and as bad as it may sound, it does not feel that bad. Most of the time we get along just fine and the boys are just happy. We each have one more attached to one of us than the other. I hope to learn to cope with him better and hope to connect to him to change the dynamics of the family. That I do need help.

Dear Hurtandshocked, thank you for your perspective from a father. My reasoning with H often led to his excuse that he is doing what a guy normally does. I can't make him see that is way beyond a normal guy behavior.

It's not your job to make him see anything. It's only your job to show him what you will and won't tolerate.

He cusses at a child? You spend the night at a hotel with the kids.

He yells at you? You leave the room and return 20 minutes later to see if he is willing to talk without yelling.

He chooses his family over you? You plan a vacation for yourself and the kids and say he is welcome to come but you will not allow his parents' continued aggressive activity.

See the difference? You are merely pulling your support out from under him, not allowing his bad action.

You still need to write down every single incident and keep it somewhere safe.

catperson, I am going to get the book today as I did not have alone time on the weekend to do it. I will read it before I step into IC.

I read your thread to 10 pages until 1am last night and you inspired me. I found myself agreeing to what you felt and how you were trying to change things. The thing is, I resent H, detest him and don't like him for certain things. Other times he is a funny and full of life person (more life than me). I don't think he would do things to hurt me on purpose, but I need to make him see that.

I will keep reading your thread, 10 pages per day, which will take another 9 days.

lol

It may help you to write in a journal. You could let your IC read it, too, if you want.