They were meeting for lunch on regular basis and she started visiting him. They chatted via IM or spoke on the cell phone. All this ofcourse came out when i confronted her.


we both have access to our email accounts but you are right she may have other accounts too. May try using keylogger


ok, I know the name and I can find out everything about OM if I want to because i know another friend who knows both OM and my wife. But it is worth it when we are going through what i call recovery phase ? She already admitted everything and the biggest thing i worry about now is if she can get through the withdrawl process. Honestly i can ask my wife about his address and get all the details if i want to. You think that will help ? Atleast alert my wife that any attempt to contact again will not be tolerated ?

optin,


So how will you verify that the cell contact has completely ended? Do you now have complete access to her cell phone and are logged into the account to view this online. More importantly, has your WW agreed to this? This is called total transparency, to which she must now agree if you are to regain any trust in her. BTW, it is her burden to restore trust, not yours! And that begins with her williness to become totaly transparent to you. If she utters anything about privacy:

Optin, this is called a boundary. And your WW has to be very clear over where your boundaries lie, and what the consequences for crossing those boundaries will be. Do you know what boudaries you have to defend your M from predators? More importantly, does your WW and clearly know what the results will be if she crosses those boudaries? Do you?

If you back down from these convictions, your WW will sense it immedialtly and use it to her own advantage.

I'm pulling for you and WW and think confidence is high that you two can recover, but do it right. Read some more of the Q&A section of Dr H's website. Most of your Q's will be answered and you will have the proper foundation for a complete recovery.

Is it possible that you two could do phone counseling with the Harleys? That would be the best case scenario for the both of you to do this right.

All Blessings,
Jerry

optin1,

Sorry that you are here.


I promise you that if contact continues, your marriage will NEVER improve. And, if your WW leaves any question unanswered or shows reluctance in sharing anything with you, you can bet your bottom dollar that contact and therefore the affair persists.

Recovery doesn't even begin until NC is in place and withdrawal is completed.

My WW has been home with me in Australia for 5 months now and OM is 10,000 miles away in England. However, since contact persists the PA has evolved to an EA and our marriage is still on its deathbed.

Are you sure that EA/PA started after your WW and OM ceased working together? I heard the same story from my WW which turned out to be a complete falsehood.

Rule No. 1 - ALL CHEATERS LIE
Unfortunately their brains become flooded with chemicals which make them say and do deranged things, and lying becomes a way of life for them. Never trust their word in determining the truth - you will need to verify things independently until your WW has consistently shown herself to be trustworthy.

Good luck my friend, you have my support.

regards,

GH31

thank you. I will make it clear with my wife about this.


Great points shinethrough. We talked about but here is what i plan on doing.. I will write them down and stick them in the bedroom and also ask her to carry with her. Things will include such as....

1) NO Contact with OM in any shape or form
2) Will work with me on bringing marriage back on track

For my part, I will change and do what i can to work on meeting her Emotional Needs.

I will ask you her to review these two on every week basis with me.


I am touched. I really really appreciate that. Yes I will do what is right and not what I thought i would do at any cost...Tears rolling off my eyes...not sobbing though !


excellent suggestion. I will seriously look into that.

thanks GH31. ok, learnt something here then. I stand corrected. I am still in the NC and withdrawl phase. Recovery phase is a while away for me.


you know what i dont. I am not sure now. I will ask her. But here is the question. What difference does that make ? You think i can go back to HR of the previous company and lodge a complaint ?


thanks. i appreciate that.

Plan A is for six months not longer. Get moving to plan B now.

I just found out about the affair two weeks ago. So we have plan A in action just for two weeks now.

Every couple argues, yes, but once or twice a week is excessive. I don't know exactly how much is too much, although to me personally anything more than once a month is worrisome.

There has been some research showing that in a marriage there must be at least 5 positive interactions for every one negative interaction for both spouses to be happy.

I'm only pointing this out for future reference so that you can better understand what's "normal" arguing and what is a red flag.

only two weeks since d-day? You are actually doing not too bad. Most often than not, a BH can be an emotional wreck and deep in their own fog of denial. Looks like your fog is clearing and you are starting to survey your new marriage landscape. Not pretty but it can get better.

Below is a link re: Troubleshooting and Repair Manual - very good synopsis of the tactics to use here.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=149531&Number=2033532#Post2033532

You are getting good advice altho Plan B is far off down the road if and when the A rekindles. Right now as far as I can tell - it may be still going on emotionally or this is withdrawls.

If you discover more contact - dont hesitate to confront (peacefully) to the OM yourself. Let him put a face to the BH. There are times the OM is fed a load of crap from the WW like the marriage is going down the tubes and there is a pending divorce in thw wings. A good reason that your WW mentioned divorce is that she may also have received pressure from the OM to replace you with him.

This is a long haul and you need to hang tight as you investigate further on the extent of the A and what is the current status. Right now I dont think you know the status of their relationship currently.

Good sign is the shame she feels after discovery. Some BH would pay dearly to have any sign of remorse.

In a lot of ways, DDay 2 is far WORSE than DDay 1.

thank you. call me strong willed or man with lot of pride (which unfortunately took a nose dive), I will not give up that easily on anything..I see this the same way except this is much more dear and personal to me.

I agree. This is still fresh in my mind though not as bad as it was on the d-day when i thought the world was coming to an end!. And I am sure it is for her too. I am not taking sides i am just saying the effects of addiction takes a while to wear off and i have to be very patient here.

yes i will do it with a calm mind...One thing i got to remind myself is not to cry....hold the tears back. Not that i am ashamed (well that went out the window anyways) but i think i have to get hold of myself. I will continue to get more information about the A in a nice way so I know i have hit the bottom before i can go only one way, up that is...emotionally speaking atleast - make sense ?

By the way, i have already downloaded the excellent emotional questionairrie (even before i saw your link in the post above)and plan on working with my wife. I have already mentioned it to her. You guys are awesome. Helps me validate that i am on the right track.

Confirm with your friend that OM is in fact divorced and get whatever info you can. Your wife has NOT admitted "everything." You may want to believe that but I sincerely doubt it. Last thing you need is to be chugging along in a false recovery.

thanks black_raven. ok, i stand corrected..yet again..I meant she answered all the questions i asked but would not admit anything, such as details, on her own...She is obviously uncomfortable going through the gory details on her own but so far she is sharing all the specifics i have asked for. So I agree the burden is on me to ask questions.

About asking our common friend... i am just a bit hesitant at this point...May be that will change in the next few days i dont know.

"One BS here found 1800 tm's in one month."

this could be me...it was some ungodly number. a year long affair will be very hard for her to just quit cold turkey. she won't want to, she has already said that. From what i have read it looks like she is still in contact with him, at least of some sort. at this point, i would say DO NOT TRUST. Listen and verify. How can you trust someone this early. She will have to rebuild. I have read many, many times, when a WW lips are moving, she is lying. Trust that. Listen to what she says, and then verify it. If you can verify it, trust that piece of info.

i was a very trusting person (although i don't sound like that now). he77, 2 weeks before D-day, i was lecturing a good friend on why he should trust his wife more (another story). i told him that if she wanted to cheat on him, she would. boy do i feel like a j@ck @ss. i even felt bad when my W would want to meet a friend for a drink b/c i was selfish for wanting her to spend time with me. Things change.

if you have time to look around, you can find some D-day #2, 3#, even #4. another thing you haven't been told is that now is the time to set the bar as high as you can (as far as expectations from your wife). don't let her steam roll you b/c you are afraid of divorce. you do not want to be stuck in a terrible marriage. now is the time to make the marriage that you have always wanted. BUT it all starts with you and Plan A. become the husband she always wanted.

I read a major study about couples and conflict. I can't remember what it is at the moment, but I could probably find the reference if anyone is interested. One of the conclusions was that it made little difference in the number of arguments that couples had. What mattered is the way they argued and how they resolved conflict.

One couple in the study had what would seem to all observers to be a volatile relationship with lots of yelling. This couple did, however, argue about issues. They didn't belittle each other and name call. They also resolved their differences quickly, often very loudly, and they then passionately reconciled.

The couples that faired the worse were the conflict avoiders. I don't remember the number, but a statistically significant larger portion of these couples divorced.

What I'm driving at is that your "frequent" arguments may or may not have been an issue in your marriage.

Don't act weak around your wife. A lot of woman find that a huge turn off. Get a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy and read it.

CN

HURTandSHOCKED. thanks. well said and good point. I did not elaborate on this earlier. I actually thought she could steam roll me any which way she wanted if it means having her back - this was 10 days ago.

I was very afraid of the dreaded "D" but now I am thinking what the heck...That is now changing quite a bit actually. Dont worry about the "D" just focus on making changes and working on improving relationship (as you said be a husband she expects me to be).

I want to be a better person no matter what. I will in the process fight for our marriage. BUT I expect her to follow rules and expect her to contribute.

thanks CN. i love that song by the way. Understood.

My response was to GH31 not you.

"BUT I expect her to follow rules and expect her to contribute. "

You should expect this. In fact, this is one way that she can show you that she is working on your marriage!

i agree