Do the kids know yet?

No, I didn't tell them last night. I guess I've been mulling over whether to wait for a counseling session or tell them during a family meeting.

From what I can piece together, the SCQ told them when she moved out (over a year and a half ago) that we were divorced. She would argue that since nothing will change for them, they don't need to hear the legal specifics.

Because they know that we were still married, however, I think I need to tell them, along with "Mommy isn't coming home."

I think I'll do it tonight.

sdguy and youngin's



Fox

You will be in my thoughts, SD.
I wouldn't find it easy....so I am assuming neither will you...

Is there anything else to iron out with SCQ? ie. finances, kids schedule? (either than the item at hand: counselling)

...because otherwise, contact with SCQ will be reduced to its most MINIMAL and so it COULD be the beginning of some REAL relief for you. I hope so, anyway.

One can only keep BREATHING DEEPLY so much, SD! :RollieEyes:

Same dang boat brother.. though mine's put off a bit until the legal stuff -is- through..

WW's basically been telling everyone she's divorced for the past year.. including our kids.. but I've been holding station just like you.. and my kids know it.

I can only imagine how difficult the conversation will be..

My thoughts and prayers will be with you man.. I'm sure you'll do just fine.

So sorry that you are divorced. I would tell the kids that you are now divorced, and chances are slim that mom will come back.

By the way, did the OM get divorced? I forget.

He filed and went deep enough into the process to buy his wife out of their house and get her moved out. After that, I don't know. Theirs could be complete, or it could be stalled. I've thought about asking OMW, but talking to her is triggering since I imagine she's still letting him cake-eat all over her, so I haven't touched base with her.

I actually called the court the other day, but I was on hold too long waiting for a clerk and gave up. Maybe I'll try again.

It's relevant, I suppose.

Email to the SCQ:

Tonight I told the kids that you and I are now divorced. Lest you chastise me for telling them something inappropriate, both kids knew we were still married. They have known this all along. Not that I'm the one who first told them, but it would have been a lie to tell them otherwise. And it would have been inappropriate not to tell them now that we're divorced.

That you did not seem to know that the kids understood us to be married tells me how little you have been communicating with them. You say that you don't have any concerns about the children--that you don't see anything. I think that this is because you don't want to see anything. I think that you would much rather believe that everything you've done is fine and that everyone is fine with it.

The kids were angry, sad, and hurt. I explained to them that it's okay to have these feelings--they are entitled to feel this way. DS8 seemed angry at you in particular and said as much. Another reason for counseling. I told them that it is okay if they are angry with me. I also told them that I fought as hard as I possibly could to save our marriage.

I tried to convince them that things are not all bad, that we are all okay, that they get to have fun with me and fun when they're with you. They complained that they don't have as much fun with you because POSOM is always there. They want to spend time with you and not him. They told me (again) they don't like POSOM and that they especially don't like going to his house, which they say they do every weekend now. The kids are not stupid, you know. They have figured out why and for whom our marriage ended. (Counseling)

They fear very much you marrying POSOM. DS8 said he doesn't want to go to that wedding.

They told me that they don't like having POSOM's girls around.

When I told DD5 that tomorrow was a Mommy day/Mommy weekend, she cried. Just like the other night when she didn't want to go with you.

I could go on, but I expect you've heard more than you wanted to. I expect that it's made you very angry. I didn't tell you to hurt you. I told you because I'm concerned for our children and want things to be better for them, because I believe they deserve better than what they have now. I think counseling might help them deal with some of this stuff.

Like I said, I expect that you're angry with me and trying to figure out how to hurt me. It's what you do when you're angry, you know. You take it out on me. You threaten me with Family Court Services, or legal bills, or time with the children, or call me names, or tell me I need more shrinks. I'll tell you again--I'm not trying to hurt you with what I've said. If I was trying to hurt you, you'd know, so please don't turn this into an angry email war or blame me for any of it. I'm trying to be the best father I can be for our kids, and that means telling you some things I know you don't want to hear.

Your a good man and a good dad.

Very proud of you Guy..

Thoughts and prayers are with you my man.. I know this has got to be gut wrenching.

Very well done, Guy. I know none of this is easy; the talks with the kids can really take it out of you. It's the best thing, though, to be completely honest with them, at a level they can understand.

Good job, sdguy. There will be some backlash, I'm sure, but you did what you needed to do.

Hugs to you and yours.

Fox

SD,

I know this wasn't easy...

SD

It was okay talking with the kids. They took it harder than I thought they would but not as hard as they might have. We've already been living like this for, what, 22 months? It really doesn't change anything for them on a day-to-day basis.

They each told me they liked it better when the SCQ lived at home (forgot to include that). I commiserated. Told them that I was sad, angry, and hurt, too. I was empathetic.

I told them more than once that it's okay to have these feelings--they are entitled to them. Has anyone read Gottman's book How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child? I just bought it but haven't gotten very far. It talks about emotion coaching by parents and how that can shield kids from the worst effects of divorce.

I let the kids feel sad for as long as they wanted, which wasn't too long, and then we hung up Halloween decorations, which took their minds off things. The rest of the evening went fine, especially given that both kids were tired.

I like to read to both kids at bedtime, and they like for me to lay down with them while they go to sleep. DS8 generally sleeps on a trundle in DD5's room, so our routine is that first I read to her, then to him, then I lay kind of in between them, but my problem is that DD5 really ought to go to sleep before DS8 and I are done reading. If she's really tired, she falls asleep while I'm still reading, but generally she holds out and probably isn't getting as much sleep as she should. I haven't quite figured this one out other than to move the whole process up a half hour or so, but doing that starts to make it difficult to fit in dinner, baths, homework, and some time to be kids in their house with their dad.

No response from the SCQ yet. I think I will send her a harmless kid-logistics email, which should take some of the sting out of the one from last night and maybe make her less likely to come looking for blood. I have to admit that my whole body tensed up when checking the email account, which is frustrating.

Weekend sans kiddos (except for DD5's soccer game tomorrow and DS8's baseball game on Sunday). The Santa Ana winds are blowing, so it's like sunny and 80 degrees outside. No plans for the weekend. I'm thinking yoga tonight, maybe a massage. Some kids' clothes shopping. Get the car washed. A walk at the beach for sure. I saw a big pod of dolphins on my way to work this morning.

As always, thanks for the kind words and thoughts. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Well, you got some of it out. Now she will email back that YOU are influencing the kids in a bad way and putting ideas into their heads and trying to make them angry with her, that she is innocent, they would be just fine if it wasn't for YOU, blah, blah, blah.....

By the way, if you want to check the divorce status of the OM, just google San Diego Superior court, then go to online services, case search.

Yeah, I did this and got the case number, but I couldn't find the status online. At least, not for the north county courts. As far as I know, you still have to talk to a clerk. If there's another way, I'd love to hear it.

Hey just got caught up.

She is going to reply to that email and it will be foaming at the keyboard.

Well, I'm in a good mood today, anyway.

If she were going to strike back with the initial anger, I think I would have gotten it already. She will probably let it simmer for a couple of days, either marshalling her resources, consulting with POSOM, or trying to determine how she can hurt me. Now it will be a little game each time I check my email, kind of like Calvin waiting for the propeller-beanie from the cereal box, except maybe inversed.

Or maybe she will bring POSOM to the soccer game.

Yep.

Go to that game tomorrow and put on a real show. Dress good, look good, lots of smiles, lots of laughs and greet everyone like a politician. Give all the single ladies a little jump start. Plan A the whole world.

Welcome to the new world SD.