SD,

Funny how there is a difference when she tells the kids something - it's none of your business, but whatever you tell them has to be sanctioned by her. UGH

But, you made it to the finish line in one piece. I have a feeling that your life will take a turn for the better now. You did an excellent job and I nominate you for MB Plan B poster boy of the decade. You'll go down in the anals of MB history. You know, for posterior's sake.

On the stash thing - Cinder is right. Michaels is all of the fake fiber stuff. We have the good stuff - the real thing!! Right off the animal.

If you were to implement your plan FU, you would be breaking plan B. If one was to break plan B, why would they of done the plan B in the first place?

I think you would be better served to go 100% dark plan B.
You should not be reading her emails that she sends you or any other form of contact.
sg

WW has not changed her spewing. Hearing her spew only grates at you. You will never reach her or get any acknowledgement from her.

WW is locked into how it was or is your fault for her life sucking, her having an affair, that you mad the marriage fail, etc.....

WW is so far up the river "Denial" she has to only go around one more bend before she will be at the river's source.

Time to block her and force her to use a third party of your choice for every thing.

If you truly don't want any more WW drama then you must go totally dark. Even with child exchanges. Neutral place where the one parent drops off the kid and leaves so the pickup parent can arrive and not have contact.

Hi SD,

Glad to see you stuck to your weekend plans....'business as usual' I think is a healthy way to approach it. Even more so, is to see it as...opening doors....lifting the weight off the shoulders.... a new chapter...

I agree...Plan FU is NOT recommended for a reason...it's short-term relief for long-term headache! ...already a challenge as it is to deal with a WS...n'est-ce pas?

...although, I am wondering, if Plan FU thoughts are burning too many brain cells...using some pillows (or a punching bag) as a stand-in could provide SOME temporary relief...without any of the negative side effects!

I wondered how it was like seeing WS at kids' games.... I no longer need to wonder... I joined the club as of yesterday... DS17 is playing hockey... WS was there... I guess I can expect some 'awkward moments' to come up.... I just sit...nowhere near WS!

I'm used to it now. I always have on sunglasses so that she can't tell what I'm looking at, but for the most part, I pay attention to the game and ignore her.

Sometimes I feel conspicuous and wish I had a sign that said "Yes, I am divorced, but it's because my wife was an adulteress." I'm working on that one. I'm making it out to be a much bigger deal than it is.

I hear that.

Today I had to go to a progress meeting out of town for one of our projects. One of the architects and the "new" guy from our office were there also. The new guy and I were in the car waiting for the architect. He asked how long I had worked for this company.....and then asked what my husband did.



First thing that ran through my mind was "well, I can tell you WHO he did."

But I quickly put a cap on it - stumbled for a moment and said "well, I'm divorced now." I had to stop myself from explaining further.

It was just an icky feeling. Not the new guys fault at all but still icky. Then I felt like I needed to correct it because I don't think I said it well. KWIM? I felt like I needed to let him know how long I was married and that I really did try - I didn't just get married and call it quits a couple of years later.

I didn't....but felt a weird urge to do so.

Fox

As long as they go away. . . .

There are those who would tell you that my Plan B has been flawed for a lack of darkness, but it has been Jennifer-approved, and I really don't think that more darkness would have made anything different (other than to make the SCQ a little more angry). In my case, the contact caused me pain, so more darkness would have spared me pain, which would have given me the endurance to go longer, but I think I've gone long enough, don't you?

That's all beside the point, which was your praise, which I really appreciate.

Oops. And now that I said that, it sounds like I'm addressing TheRoad, which I honestly wasn't (I was thinking of people who might disagree with CL that my plan B was noteworthy), but now I guess I need to. TR, I appreciate the thoughts, but I'm divorced now after, what, 21 months in Plan B? Long enough.

Right now, I'm visualizing a place where my instinctive reaction to the SCQ isn't Go [censored] Yourself and mulling over strategies on how to get there. I'm stuck with the SCQ as the mother of my children. I need to make the best of it. I anticipate that I will be able to get to That Place without having to Freely Ululate, but I'm going to take my time with it.

I will add that I just don't believe it is realistic to go 100% dark when you have split custody of two small children. Jennifer said the same.

I usually do. At the beginning of the school year, I sent letters to each of my kids' teachers explaining what was going on and, specifically, why I wouldn't be attending parent-teacher conferences with the SCQ.

It's all something I'm working on. I know that it's not my fault. What I need to get over is the Wrongness of it, because it's not going to help anyone. If I can do that, maybe I won't feel the need to apologize for it.

It still feels like failure, and I don't like failing. I don't want to be perceived as someone who failed. A hang up. Self-confidence thing. Work in progress.

"We may not have been divorced but we certainly were not married."

Wow, that's exactly what my ex and OW said. OW's hubby said that he wished that he had known - since he was faithful all the time he was overseas.

I understand the feeling of failure and that 'need to explain' that you and Foxx mentioned today.

More often than not, these days, I simply state the fact that he chose an affair. Frankly, it pretty well shuts down most of the conversations that I don't want to have in the first place.

SD, you are going to be going through yet another adjustment period now that the D is final. Recognize it, but try not to let yourself get caught up in any expectations of yourself. I am still struggling some with the 'I should be {fill in the blank} by now.'

I should be over Drac. I should be able to co-parent without being triggered. I should be extremely comfortable with dating. I should be ready for another relationship. I should be this or I should be that.

I'm not most of those things,,,,,,,,,,,yet.

All in good time.

...I struggle with this too.


...this, too.

...don't have to say much...you've all said it!


SD, ...please do share when you figured this out!

It's all part of the Letting Go stuff, I think. This is What Is. What good does getting angry about it do?

I'm not spending a lot of time thinking about it--just recognizing that I don't want to stay in this place forever. I recognize that a Place where I am in some kind of harmony with the SCQ will be better for my children and better for me.

I think the path to That Place is called Forgiveness.

I'll discuss it with my IC and continue to mull it over.

I think you're absolutely right SD


The tough part about forgiveness though.. on something like this.. is that you've got to continue to do it.. almost on a daily basis until it just becomes part of the routine I think.


If not.. every time you see a symptom of the damage the A and subsequent D has done to the kids, you will simply compile more and more.. making it more difficult to forgive.


I think that's really the lingering struggle.. at least for me it is.

I see my son, and my stepdaughter struggle as a direct result of her decision.. and know that -they- deserve better. That's probably what I get most angry with WW over.. and I still consistently wonder if one of two things needs to happen.

A particularly virulant string of Plan FU.. which we've discussed the limited benefit vs lasting damage of... or an end to the A.. hopefully with a duration of time that WW can truly do some self analysis with before she spreads her legs for the next sugar daddy.

I don't disagree that forgiveness and letting go is what it takes.

Yet, when I find myself getting to the place where I feel I've let go/forgiven, the easy communication you speak of begins to happen. It's friendly even. THAT is when I get messed up because the love isn't gone. Every 'good' exchange leaves me pining for more than what it really IS.

So, yet again BR comes to mind - "It is what it is".

Sorry, guess that's not very helpful is it??

Since I can't offer much 'help', how about a hug?

SD

DD and I HATE that phrase. It was a post D-Day favorite of Wayzilla's that she used on both of us in much excess. She had never used that phrase before.

DD does a mimic of WayZ still, "It is what it is." with a Scarlet O'Hara air.

Hmm. A good reason not to rush into things, I guess. Thanks for the perspective, though.

Something that should help is beginning to see the SCQ for the small, limited person that she is (and always was) rather than the person that I have wanted her to be/convinced myself she was. I think POSOM likes that she is small and malleable, which is why the affair won't die any time soon.

It was a great weekend with the kids, but now I'm exhausted. Friday getting home in time to carve pumpkins, roast pumpkin seeds (DD5: We're going to roast the seeds, right, Daddy? SDG: Gee, when you put it that way, I guess so. But they turned out really good), eat something not sugar-based, trick-or-treat, and then finish the night at a neighborhood Halloween party. There was backyard theater (LCD projection onto a sheet) showing of Ghostbusters. Probably a bit too much for DD5, who watched it snuggling in my lap, but it's pretty cute listening to her doing the theme song (Who you gonna call?) around the house now.

Saturday recovery and soccer game for DD5. DS8 was bored at the soccer game and didn't hesitate to let me know. DD5 is take-it-or-leave-it about soccer. She has the tools, but she would have to actually want the ball enough to sometimes take it away from the other girls, and she's just too tentative. I think she doesn't really care, either, which is fine. She has fun running around and occasionally taking the goal kicks and at the practices and running through the parent tunnel at the end of the game. It's all good.

Another neighbor party Saturday night because they wanted to help me celebrate the divorce. I wasn't comfortable doing that with the kids there, so it was just families getting together to barbecue. Fun stuff.

Sunday DS8 had a baseball game at the same time that DD5 had a birthday party, so I got to put in plenty of driving yesterday.

Tonight I figure to hit the couch after I get home from my yoga class.

Hope everyone has a good week.

SD,

Sounds like a great weekend to me, even if it was a bit exhausting!

You don't mention much about how you are feeling. I don't know if that is because you don't think you have much to report, or if you are holding back a bit. I know in the days following the offical D, I was a rollercoaster of emotions.

I 'tried' to do the 'celebration' thing, but it just didn't work for me. I then went into a bit of depression but soon rallied back with an eye to the future. A 'new' future. One that I didn't really want, but tried to envision as a positive. Fact of the matter is, I still have times of that rollercoaster feeling, but it's evened out a great deal over time.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that no matter how you are feeling, we all can appreciate & understand it. Don't feel obligated to share or think about it too much,,,,I'm not trying to pry but just offering a bit of support FWIW.

Hope you relaxed at yoga and rested well.

That was such a great question, Bugs, that it took me a whole week to answer it. I don't really know how I'm feeling. Somewhere between okay and good most of the time, I guess.

I guess the underlying issues I still struggle with are that 1) divorce feels like failure, and 2) the affair was wrong.

I'm, what, chagrined to tell people I'm divorced? Walking away from kids' sporting events without a kid, being the single parent dining out with the kids--it nags at my streak of perfectionism. People will respect me less because they know I couldn't save my marriage is what that annoying subconscious/fear/self-doubt whispers to me when I let it.

And I can still feel residual anger over what the SCQ and POSOM did and how they did it. The wrongness and injustice and stupidity and wastefulness and insanity and evil of it all. How it continues to affect my kids.

But these things don't dominate the way they used to. They are much more in the background. Echoes, almost. And the answers to them are, of course

1) Yes, divorce is failure, but it's not MY failure. I did everything I possibly could to save the marriage. It's not my fault.

and

2) Yes, the affair was wrong. So what? It is. What do you want, a plaque? Are you going to get over it or not?

So I'm okay and getting better all the time. I don't miss the SCQ at all. Occasionally I miss my wife, but even that isn't very often. I miss companionship, but I really value my alone time. I'm giving myself time before getting serious about seeking out a relationship, but it doesn't mean I'm not keeping my eyes open.

The kids have responded to the things I have told them about talking to me. DS8 told me recently about being angry because of the "D-word." They talk more openly about their time at POSOM's house (they spend all their weekends there now), and it is easier for me to let them do this.

The atmosphere at work is a drag. Layoffs are in the air here, but the industry as a whole is lousy. The biggest pharma employer here in San Diego just laid off 340 people (30% of their workforce, I think), including a bunch of people who used to be colleagues of mine. Just like the rest of the economy, I guess, but pharma is a bit worse these days.

Thanks for the update, Guy Smiley. I can relate to all those things you said regarding the Big D.

Your kiddos are so lucky that you are willing to keep the lines of communication with them open. It is so important for them to be heard by someone.

Hang in there.

Fox