If she did not fight her way back from depression and become the person she wanted herself to be, I may not have ever left lala land or the foggy state. It was seeing her make those changes in herself that made me realize.

Ok, well I have NOTHING to do with my WH so not much chance of him ever seeing the changes.

So tell me what you are doing for yourself to clean up your life and move foreward. How's your drinking coming?

Im sorry to say, we never broke contact. She tried me to get to agree to a month of no contact, but I think we lasted 1.5 days. Neither one of us wanted to not talk to the other.

I guess it was the finalty of buying a house, moving out, and then her brief A with my former friend that Snapped me out of it. Not good reasons, i should have done it long ago.

I think I would be doing you a disservice by offering you any advice beoynd answering your questions in regards to what I was thinking, doing, my situation. I really do, im sorry.

Drinking almost non existant. I drank too much one night a few weeks ago and realized it was not helping my situation. Went out thursday night with two friends, just to get out of the house. Left after about 45 min, did not want to be in a bar. Nada since then and no real desire to.

I have to run out to a friends for a little bit, watch some of the world series... My TV just has antenna, that channel not comming in tonight.


I will check back in later... I dont know if I helped at all, I tried to answer your questions as honestly and completly as possible.

Don't be sorry, quite the contrary, good for you for not crossing a line that you aren't comfortable with.

Besides I need to be seeking G-d for answers and just living my own life without WH and what he is thinking or doing.

It's hard to walk away from the one you love. But I guess that's the greatest love of all, is to just let him go and let him be happy with crack ho.

Have a good night and thank you for the time you have given me today.

Please keep growing and learning and who knows, maybe one day, G-d will bless you beyond your wildest dreams.

Good for you on the drinking, that's so important. It doesn't help at all.

Well its been a few days since I posted, I try not to live here on MB anymore, I think it was making me more of a wack-a-doo.

Some ok days, some bad days, seems to be more ok days than bad which is a change.

Started seeing my therapist, that went well for day 1. I feel comfortable with her, she as far as I can tell, interupted where necessary and seemed to ask what I consider to be the right questions, etc.. We talked alot about the marriage, not so much about the A at all, more probing questions about life prior to that, relationship questions, etc... We talked briefly about the A, what happened during that time, how it started, grew, etc.. when it went bad...She did reccomend Anti depressents, said they dont have to be long term, just for now and see how it goes. I have a doctors appointment on tuesday for a physical anyways so she said just mention that and she will likely ask questions and prescribe something. I forget the ones she mentioned. We have weekly sessions set up. She thinks she can help me with my issues. She told me to not be alone, get out with friends and family more, even if I dont want to.

Going to dentist, getting all the physical exams out of the way, make sure I am physcally healthy. Still walking alot, working out. Pants starting to get loose, and fitting again into some older clothes. Can't say thats a bad thing.

Still talking to Steve, although those will need to taper off until I get a job. He understands that.

Job hunt is going slow, had an interview today, went very well but starting salary is less than half my current, it would not even be enough to cover my bills let alone food and other entertainment expenses. I got the impression they think I am way overqualified and would worry about it being a "for now" job. I guess we shall see. Resume's still going out but its very very slow right now, my recruiter warned me this may take some time.

Reconnected with old friends, going out with cousins in town tomorrow night possibly. I guess life is getting somewhat back to as normal as it can be given the situation. Friends still very supportive, even ones I would not have expected.

First week of december I am going away with my parents on a vacation. I am looking forward to it in ways and not so in other ways. But its my only chance to get away anywhere. Its a cruise, last one we all went on I actually just worked out alot and lost some weight, that is the plan this time. Since its just the parents and me, I wont have anyone to head out to drink with, which is also a good thing. Read, workout, and lay in the sun are my plans. Oh, and scuba dive, did that once long ago and loved it, definitly want to do that again.

Not much going on with Zora, we talk and Im here and there, mostly about the dogs or just daily activities, nothing too heavy. A little about our situation but nothing that developes into an argument or fight. We had dinner the other day and I went shopping with her for a bit, I guess red boots and accessories are the "in" thing right now, so she is hot after those. It really was nice just spending some time with her where we did not end up arguing or talking about all the pain, well not much anyways and not arguing, just talking. I left her a card and coffee and a treat this AM on her car as I was going right by there on the way to my interview. Hopefully that made her smile a little.

So thats whats been going on. Still going to continue yoga for now. Its relaxing if nothing else. I would scratch out the chanting in a foreign tounge she does at the end, but if thats my only complaint it cant be that bad.

I guess I think things are ok, or at least not nearly as bad as the beginning of the month.

Oh, last item I have to take care of today is sending my good by email for work, today is my last day. I guess short and sweet, Ive been there a long time and not a soul has seen me in a month so Ill just be brief and wish them all well.

Silverwind.

Well, had all my appointments early this week.

Dentist has one lost cavity he needs to replace, other than that all good which is unusual for me, I am very prone to cavities and its been a while since I have been.

Doctor said I lost some weight, is doing blood work for everything, but sees no problems. She put me on an anti depressants, i go back just before my insurance coverage goes off in order to get a refill and just see how its working. I have to hope they can help, because I dont see how I could live like I am for the rest of my life.

Go to see my therapist again thursday, first session was good, hopefully she can help me. I believe she can.

Zora maintains the same line she has been, she wants the D without exploring the possibility of salvaging our marriage. She said she got the papers so its only a matter of time until I get them. Its ironic I guess, I just want the one thing I would not give her for the past year, a chance to work with someone professional to see if there is a chance to save our marriage. I guess what goes around comes around.

Anyways, i guess things are ok otherwise. Job hunt is slow, but I am applying for many jobs a day, soon I will have to just get a job anywhere to buy myself more time. I get all my vacation pay this week and that will be a good amount as I did not go anywhere during our seperation, I guess that was a blessing as I can now fall back on that for a little bit. Work is all done, sent good by email, got some very nice responses from people there. I will miss that place, its been 6.5 years so it was hard.

I feel such sadness over this. I mean, talk about two people, zora and myself, who had the world at our fingertips. We both had good jobs, a beautiful home, no money issues, both had strong families, both were attractive, etc... It seems like such a waste. With every opportunity we could not even treat each other right and here we both sit. I dont think this is where either of wanted to end up, I know our love was always strong and still is, its just the other crap that we never dealt with. I guess love really is not enough on its own I wish we learned this years ago.

Silverwind

Plan A as you can, very gently, and give her a chance to see your permanent changes.

The fate of your marriage isn't set in stone yet. If you outlast her current interest, your chances are quite good, even if you are divorced at that time. After all, it's not that hard to remarry if you both want to.