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Originally Posted by Looking4
Ask anyone who knows me and I am the last person they would ever peg as an adulterer -- yet I am. I am a liar.

You'd be surprised how many adulterers feel the same way. My FWW's said basically the same thing, even though she cheated.. twice.

Here's the thing: You can CHOOSE to not be an adulterer. You can CHOOSE to not be a liar. Yes, the latter may be a difficult choice because of the consequences you may have to face, but I suspect that it will probably be better to face those consequences now, rather than living a lifetime of fear that your BH will eventually discover what you did.


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As Ace and everyone states, I need to tell in order repair this relationship. But I have been trying for almost three years to fix our marriage. And up until 2 months ago, I have been alone in this effort. (Posts above give more of the story.) I'm afraid it's too little to late as I don't love my husband any more. And he knows this.

Hi Looking4,

You are one courageous woman.* You are obviously underestimating yourself. Please do NOT underestimate your husband and his ability to change.

I was in your shoes for over 30 years, feeling like since I had married for the wrong reason (to not be left behind since I never had a boyfriend ever), that I was wasting my life so I looked for any reason to get out.

For all of our 30 years I had bought marriage books, tapes & videos, and signed us up for marriage counseling, seminars, workshops, retreats and conferences. My H went along on the outside, but he was noticeably absent on the inside, thus we abused each other so horribly that our daughter wanted us to divorce and told me that often. (It was as much my fault as his.)

Finally, I checked out of our marriage when my H got upset at a massively huge marriage conference (in a sports arena). I told him that I was done suggesting solutions to fixing our detached marriage, that if we were to make it, it would be up to him to seek further help.

We began existing as roommates passing in the night (for SF, go figure) but we virtually became strangers in all other ways.

How bad was it?

Our relationship was so detached that when I resorted to having multiple EA's, he was glad about my conversations with other men when I told him because it meant that he didn't have to worry about meeting my EN's. (Of course I didn't know about EN's or that that I was having EA's for many years....details in Chapter 6 of my story linked to my sig line....I called them "almost" EA's because they were never secret ~ I told him everything...and he didn't even care ~ pretty bad M, wouldn't you say?)

About 3 years later, my H had what started as an online EA with eventual phone/email sexual exchanges, in spite of the fact that I was trying to change my behavior.

After our DD26 and DS24 found his open email account and confronted him, I was very calm the night he confessed (I thought we were alone, but they were sitting on the front porch to make sure he went through with his confession.)

Why was I calm?

Because as he spoke the words "I've been unfaithful to you," I was thinking "Yippeee...now I have my reason to get out!!!!! and God gives me the right now that I've been betrayed."

My H was shocked at my lack of anger. After about 10 minutes, he invited DS and DD to come in. DS came into the family room, but DD refused and stayed in the adjacent living room...she could not even be in the same room as her father (it took several months for her to forgive).

So why did I stay?

My H told both DD & DS that he would do whatever I wanted, that he would give me an uncontested divorce and that I could have everything and he would pay his shares of the debt.....etc.

I was rejoicing inside, but stopped cold when I discovered that DS, a 24 year old married young man was crying, saying, "no, you fight for this family just like you told DD and me to. If it means you get D'd that's fine, but you fight first. God wants you to fight for us."

3 more D-Days and over 2 years later, we are still on our honeymoon phase (like Stickinthemud, another FWW mentioned) and it's contiinually getting better every day.

How?

Mostly because we listened to God speaking through DS's challenge, we sought to return to our Christian foundation and we eventually found MB books, which led to this web site and my registering for these forums in Jan. 2007. We also called a very tough MC, who we had previously avoided because he had been my H's best friend for 20+ years before we moved. Many posters including BK, Pep and FH and others were tremendously helpful in my seeing how I needed to change. They are helping (and can continue to help) you, too.

Looking4, there are far more similarities in my situation and yours that I can't share on this public forum because of privacy issues (no one knows about my H's A's and he's the last person many would suspect would succumb to such a temptation. I ignorantly shared this web site with family members before I knew about these discussion forums). My email address is permanently imbedded in one of my stories below so email me if you'd like to know more.

You say you think it's too little too late for you and your H........well, after 30 years, I know that there are exceptions to every rule and it's never too late. Bring your H here if you want to rebuild (or even if you don't) as these principles will help you with both your marriage and personal recovery.

You can rebuild your love for your H. With the help of MB, we are building our love for each other after 30+ years of merely existing.

Best wishes as you confess to your H. Even if you divorce, your confession will clean your slate for any future relationship God may have in store for you.

I'll be praying for you.

Ace

* edited to clarify ~ L4, I meant that you are courageous to be willing to post here and after I re-read my post, I didn't want you or anyone to assume that I meant that having an affair (while courageous in the foggy eyes of some) was anything to be proud of.

Last edited by _Ace_; 10/24/08 10:14 AM. Reason: clarification

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Originally Posted by Looking4
I still can't look myself in the mirror.

Want to feel better about yourself? Become honest again, your self esteem will rise.

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Thank you, ForeverHers. Your straightforwardness is appreciated.

To clarify, "everyone" does not know and I didn't mean to imply that if I did. My therapist knows, our couple's counselor learned of this a week ago, God knows, and I know. The OM and his wife who live 2000 miles away and whom I will never see again are the only others that I'm aware of. (I don't know how they're handling this.)

I have not tried to fix this on my own. I have reached out to many resources as our marrige has unraveled over the years. The one crucial ingrediant that I was not able to include in the recipe was my H. My H wanted no part of it until two months ago. The Bible and other Christian websites have been among my resources. And ashamedly, the A was with another Christian who was supposedly also a source of support. My story is not quite as extreme as Ace's but it is certainly similar. I can read the books, fill out the EN questionaire, pray, meet with my pastor, get counseling, talk with my husband, and do everything else recommended by other Christians and also in the secular world, but if the partner isn't engaged and tells you it's not his problem, what else can you do? You can't have an affair. And I know this. I regret that decision that I made with every fiber of my being.

You are right in that by hiding this HUGE mistake from my husband I am not giving it all to fix my relationship now. I'm well aware of this (see original post). I also have never justified the affair. Not here. Not in my head. And not in my heart. My husband could be the worst person in the world (he's absolutely not) and it doesn't justify my betrayal. I'm not denying my responsibility. What I'm tyring to do at this point is gather the strength to do what I know will destroy him. He's on a business trip and I need to do this when he returns. I wouldn't wish the pain of this truth on anyone, let alone him, yet I know it's going to come.

You are right that it is now my husband who must have the choice.

Last edited by Looking4; 10/24/08 11:54 AM.

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Thank you all for helping me. All of you seem to be the BS and the fact that you're even willing to help a person who reprents the bad that happened to you... I am grateful for your time.

ManInMotion, thank you for putting it so plainly. I chose to be an adulterer and that can't be undone. But I can still choose to not be a liar, at least from this point forward.

Last edited by Looking4; 10/24/08 11:49 AM.

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I can't even imagine, Ace... YOU are the courageous one. Thank you for sharing your truth and your wisdom.


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L4,

Please pick out some BH threads for your husband to read on this website, I was alot like your husband before I came here, undermining my wifes self esteem and the respect of my children for her. After reading some BH stories here it was "OMG that's me".

My wife didn't understand what happened, it came from out of the blue. I just decided to unilaterally improve our relationship, and I didn't expect her to do or not do anything. I can't say that your husband will or will not do this but it is worth a shot.

Also the WW/FWW threads were an eye opener for me as I got to see myself from my wifes viewpoint. Again the "OMG that's me" feeling. Pick out some relevant ones before you come clean so you'll be prepared.

None of the threads were exactly like my circumstances, but you read enough of them and it builds up a nearly complete picture.

God Bless
NJ



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You are one courageous woman. You are obviously underestimating yourself. Please do NOT underestimate your husband and his ability to change.

Hi L4,

I repeat that it takes courage to seek help from anyone, let alone a place where most of the participants are experiencing the same pain that you have caused.

You are also underestimating your husband. How can I say that when I don't know you or your husband? Because when we pre-judge anyone we rob them of their potential to change in our own eyes. I'm not quite sure if I put that in a way that even I can understand so let me try another approach.

Here's an example:

I wanted out for most of our 30 year marriage but could not justify it because we were both Christians.

H gave me a reason to get out when he chose to become a WH.

I underestimated his ability to withstand such a temptation. (Also, I figured that if any other woman wanted him, she was welcome to take him off my hands!!!)

I decided to get out.

I underestimated DS's perception about the importance of family and how it might affect his perspective when he was 24 years old.

DD would not even enter the same room as her father and did not speak to or about him for months. I underestimated the depths of her disgust in her father's behavior.

I chose to accept DS's challenge because I did not expect my WH to follow through (because I underestimated his willingness to recover).

I can tell you that you are underestimating your H and his response because you are NOT your H. You cannot know what he will do and say any more than I could predict what my WH and DD and DS would do and say....and I know them very well.

Edited to add/change: If I would have acted on my pre-judging "underestimation" of my WH and my DS and DD, I would have chosen my first option ~ accepting my WH's offer of an uncontested divorce. By doing that, however, I would have robbed our family of recovering our marriage and family simply because of limiting my choices to what I 'saw' from my own pre-judging eyes.

I'm glad I made the extra effort and did not take the easy way out. My husband contemplated slamming his truck into a concrete wall on his way home to confess to me, but knew that our DD and DS were in the car behind him after they had confronted him together. My WH was glad then as well as now that he did the difficult thing. If he had not, we would have had zero chance of recovery. By confessing, committing to do everything to help me heal and rebuild our trust and following through, we are now on the road to recovery. /edit

Does that make sense?

Your reply to me may hold a part of your solution:

Quote
I can't even imagine, Ace

I had been imagining my dream husband for 30+ years and had tried to manipulate my poor H into becoming him. crazy

This was good and bad. Bad for obvious reasons, but good because it gave me a vision of what I wanted.

When my tough 24 year old son cried and challenged me/us to fight for our family and my blubbering WH said he would do anything and everything to change into the man of my dreams, I knew who and what that was. (Details in my Mr. romAnCE saga below).

So I give you the same challenges, L4.

1) Fight for your family.

2) Imagine your life, marriage and family as God might want it to be.

What do you want for you? To be honest? To have a clean slate? To be forgiven? To give your betrayed husband the honor that he deserves...and at the same time giving you the chance to rebuild what you once had.

Take my word for it. Nothing is impossible and it is never too late.

I haven't posted much over the last several months due to personal challenges, and I seldom post during weekdays, but I'm off today and your story caught my eye. I was a horrible wife who now cares. Any my FWH was a horrible hubby who now cares.

You can do this, L4. We're all pulling for you.

Ace

P.S. Your intense pain, while seemingly of no value now, will give you continuing incentive to recover as well as provide a way for you to emphasize with others who now regret succumbing to this temptation like you have. Should you choose, you will be able to help others overcome it like many of us are trying to help you.


Last edited by _Ace_; 10/24/08 03:30 PM. Reason: hopefully for clarification

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Also the WW/FWW threads were an eye opener for me as I got to see myself from my wifes viewpoint. Again the "OMG that's me" feeling. Pick out some relevant ones before you come clean so you'll be prepared.

I'll try to find a link to Lifechoice and Docp's story on the Success Story thread.

I would suggest you read the entire thread but the beginning several pages are irritating until the links to additional stories are fixed...hopefully soon.

Ace

P.S. Found it on page 11 on my computer but it might be different on yours. Here is Lifechoice & Docp's story together.


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What inspiring stories of hope in this dark time. Thank you, Ace, for sharing yours and for sharing Lifechoice and Docp's success too. Y'all are giving me strength. I appreciate the prayers too.

And I'm deleting "Horrible" from the posting title going forward. He's not. I may have thought he was bad for me, but I'm sure I had a role in that. And I'm the last person who should be labeling anyone.


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And I'm deleting "Horrible" from the posting title going forward.

Here's a little housekeeping suggestion L4. You can only edit your inner outer thread title for a few hours ~ 30, I think. You might ask the mods to delete the word "horrible" from your outer title by clicking on the mod "notify" alert below or emailing a mod assigned to this forum. As you've discovered, you can change your inner thread subject with every new post. ETA I see you've already done this but will leave it for other new posters to observe. It took me awhile to realize this, but that was when we had 60 days, not 30 hours to edit our outer subject titles.

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Y'all are giving me strength. I appreciate the prayers too.

Great news, L4. Draw strength from knowing that many have done what you are contemplating and usually only have one regret: that they didn't confess sooner.

The longer you try to conceal such a secret, the deeper it erodes your inner being.

Will it be easy? No.

Will there be times you wished you hadn't said anything? Perhaps.

Is confessing the best thing for you and your husband now and in the future regardless if you choose to recover your marriage? Yes.

Keep posting and reading, knowing that we're all here for you.

Best wishes,

Ace


Last edited by _Ace_; 10/25/08 06:35 PM. Reason: correction

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The longer you try to conceal such a secret, the deeper it erodes your inner being.
And the more damage it does to your marriage and your husband's ability to recover.

It isn't so much the A as it is the lies that hurt deeply. The longer the lies continue, the harder they are to get over.

When you are betrayed the thing that takes the biggest hit is trust. You not only lose the ability to trust the person who betrayed you but also your ability to trust yourself to make good judgments about others. This is because you feel like you misjudged the person you trusted most, your spouse, who now has not only broken that trust, but broken it in such a way that you question how you could ever have trusted such a person.

To not only break that trust but to also cover it up by lying just makes the hit so much harder to take. The longer the lies continue, the more you feel like a fool for believing in this person whose character you seem to have so greatly misjudged.

And once the truth begins to come out, it must all come out as fast as the BS can accept it. Any lies that are found out weeks or months after the initial confession, undo all the healing that has already taken place, resets the the timer to zero and eats away at the love the BS has left. Each time the likelihood of recovery goes down.

The only chance is to become completely honest going forward from confession. Nothing can be hidden any more. Full disclosure followed by never lying again and never side-stepping any question is the only way. Any lie going forward reduces the probability of recovery that much more.

Mark

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What inspiring stories of hope in this dark time. Thank you, Ace, for sharing yours and for sharing Lifechoice and Docp's success too. Y'all are giving me strength.

I hope my story helps. My DH was completely clueless about the A until I confessed. I hope you don't wait as long as I did to confess to your DH. I don't for a second regret telling him, but I do regret waiting so long.

One of the most important things I learned was by not telling him about the A it made it as if we were rebuilding our marriage on a pile of sand. IOW, it was going to remain unstable. Just imagine if you build this great marriage and years from now your DH finds out about the A. He will think your marriage was a total sham and the fact is was not built on a solid foundation will cause all that work to crumble.

Right now you and your DH are rebuilding on sand and if you don't confess at some point things will crumble. It may not happen for years, but it will happen. (IMO anyway)

If you tell him, he has the choice to build with you a brand new structure on a solid foundation (total honesty).

When you tell him make sure you send him here, he will need the support of people who have BTDT. If you don't already have them get a copy of Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley and also After the Affair By Janis Spring and give them to him.

Confessing is the right thing to do and the sooner the better.

LC





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One of the most important things I learned was by not telling him about the A it made it as if we were rebuilding our marriage on a pile of sand.

Hi L4,

Glad to see you must have found a way to get your outer title changed.

LC's sand analogy should help give you strength to follow through with your confession....think of it as the first block of a solid foundation for your marriage.

Because you said your H was occasionally reverting back to the old H in his attitude, it might be good to have your confession take place with professional help. If we had to do it all over again, that would have been my preference. Of course, our determined DS24's challenge was probably far more impacting than any marital counselor might have been because it came from his reflecting the personal convictions we had taught both kids regarding family values. And it was totally unexpected so it jolted me.

A professional counselor will also help you keep respectful in your initial exchanges. Like LC mentioned, it might be good to write out what you want to say in advance.

The most important aspects of your confession, from my perspective is your honesty and sincerity. Also true remorse and a demonstrated effort (not just words) to do everything possible to help your spouse heal and rebuild trust is a must. I know I've said this before and many others have but it bears repeating.

One advantage you have that my WH did not have was you are able to confess instead of having been busted and confronted. If my WH had confessed on his own and sought help to change and help me heal after D-Day #1, we would be way further down the recovery road by now.

As you saw, LC had that perspective, too. What was her only regret? Waiting so long.

I'm sharing this to give you additional strength to follow through with grace and courage and humility and patience and remorse and most of all a willingness to change and grow and help your BH rebuild trust between you.

Ace


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Thank you, Ace, and everyone else. (Where would I be without y'all?)

The analogy from LifesChoice of building on sand hits home.

We have a counseling session in three days but my H then leaves early the next morning for another business trip where he'll be gone for three more days. He returned just last night from a trip and is off with friends this afternoon for a football game. I think I should tell him tomorrow (not sure what to do about the kids) so we have a few days before he leaves as Sh0cked recommended not doing it right before my H goes out of town. But I also like the idea of having our counselor involved.

I have written out my confession. Wrote my first draft of it a couple of weeks after the PA happened 6 months ago. I've revised it and re-written it probably a dozen times since then.

At the end of the day, I can try to plan this as much as possible and it's not going to matter. It's going to be a living h*** for him. I'm ready to tell him thanks to your encouragement/insistance that it be done. Guess I need to take Mark1952's words to heart that every day that passes makes it harder.

When I think of this whole thing, it feels like I'm out of my body looking at someone else who did this horrible thing. It's hard to relay to you how having an A is exactly the opposite of what anyone would ever ever imagine of me - including myself. It's like I've been living numb in a kind of fog every day since I did this. So I need to do this not only for my BH, but also because I can't live this lie any more.

Again... Thank you all.

Last edited by Looking4; 10/25/08 04:00 PM.

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Looking4,

You need this to be 100% uninterupted so either get a sitter and you and your DH go somewhere or take the kids to someone else's house. My DH and I had many conversations while sitting in the car in the back of a parking lot.

Good luck. I know exactly how you feel right now. Don't chicken out and don't make excuses on why you can't do it tomorrow. You can do this because it's the right thing to do.

hug There's a big cyber hug because you might need it.

LC





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So I need to do this not only for my BH, but also because I can't live this lie any more.

Like I said, you are ONE courageous woman. I'm will be praying for you. Looking forward to your update.

hug hug hug hug hug

Ace

Last edited by _Ace_; 10/25/08 06:43 PM. Reason: to add massive cyber hugs whether you need them or not!

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Hey Looking4,

I've been praying for you. How's it going?

Ace


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Thank you, Ace. My sister is coming to take the kids in a couple of hours. My husband knows something is up too. I'm scared to death. But I know I have to do this.


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pray

I just discovered this "pray" emoticom!

L4, you'll be just fine. Remember, you are not alone in all of this. It is the best thing to do.

(Glad you got your sister to take the kids.)

We're all here for you.

Picture all of us praying like this:

pray pray pray pray pray

God will give you strength and you ARE doing the best thing for your future.

If your BH decides to start a thread here, let him know you'll respect his space....possibly not even reading or posting on it for awhile. We all know sort of what he's experiencing; it's different for everyone in some respects but much of it is the same for all of us.

Looking forward to your update.

May God give you peace, regardless of the outcome...

Ace


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