Hi there,

I am using this forum to think out loud about my imminent execution of Plan B. The ongoing chronology of my trauma I will leave on my other thread.

Points to consider for my Plan B, which I intend to make pitch black:

• Redirect all mail to friend's house
• Move everything out of the apartment so that I will not need to come back for anything
• Buy removals cartons
• Write Plan B Letter
• Find a room to rent whilst I look for an apartment - in a place where WW and her family never go
• Deactivate all of my email accounts
• Change my cell phone number
• Hire removals company to move my belongings
• Write down all of the numbers in my mobile phone
• Brief my father in England (my intermediary) that in communications with my WW he is to be pleasant, businesslike, non-judgmental, impartial and never to forward me any correspondence from WW. He is simply to describe their content to me
• I do not have any contact with WW until/unless she is willing to provide hard evidence that she's willing to meet my conditions
• Letters to in-laws, to whom I am very close advising why I am separating myself from WW in this way

Conditions for re-entry into our marriage:

• No contact with OM of any kind for the rest of eternity and NC letter to be approved by me
• Complete transparency with passwords
• deactivation of all of our private email, flickr and facebook accounts, to be replaced by joint ones for both of us
• Commitment to recovery plan with professional help to restore love, friendship and trust and to overcome resentment for past wrongs

Coping strategies:

• Daily contact with family - either by phone or in person
• As much contact with friends as possible
• Chess
• Surfing
• Playing guitar
• Daily Visualizations
• Walks
• Personal goals, e.g. debt reduction, saving for a home, buying a motor vehicle
• Spending 15 minutes daily thinking about and organizing my life as a single person
• Throw myself into my work and put every effort in to be the top performer in the company
• Comedy DVDs

This is what I have been thinking of so far. If any current or past Plan Bers could provide any recommendations or points that I have left out I would be extremely grateful.

I know that what I am about to do will cause me searing and traumatizing pain, and that I may never set eyes on my W/WW again. However, by staying I am communicating my approval of her sickening and depraved behaviour - and prolonging a different kind of suffering for me

GH31

Sample Plan B Letter:

Please advise what changes should be made to it. I am thinking that it's probably a little too long and sentimental:

My Dearest Darling W,

This correspondence to you comes from my heart and it is without doubt the hardest thing that I’ve had to do in my life.

I love you with all of my heart. Even with all that has happened, I still consider you my best friend, I still believe that you are the most wonderful woman I’ve ever known, I am still emotionally and physically attracted to you, and I still believe that we are meant to spend forever together. However, every time I see you or talk to you part of my heart is torn because I want so much for things to be different. I want so much more than you are able to give to me right now.

I want you to know that I am so sorry for my part in creating the environment that helped to make your affair possible. I selfishly pursued my own objectives without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs, put you first in my life, and to support and cherish you. I deeply regret that I did not give you the time, attention, and care that you needed to be happy.

During the past 6 months, I have been learning what a marriage should be and I’ve tried to show you this in the time that we’ve had together. I have learned so many important things. I now know without any doubt what is needed to make our marriage a happy, loving and supportive place to be. I have made so many changes and believe I have shown to you that I can and am willing to make these necessary changes. Some you may have noticed and some you have yet to discover. Most importantly I have learned that there isn’t anybody or anything as important to me as you.

Whatever problems we had, I am certain that we can overcome them and create a new life together - one that allows us to spend time with each other making each other happy . I imagine a new life together, spending time doing new things together and with your family and our friends, making memories.

I have tried so hard to stay connected to you even under these extremely difficult circumstances and have treasured every contact that we have had. However, the current situation has become too excruciating for me to endure.

Knowing that you romantically involved with another man tears me to pieces. At times the thoughts are unbearable. Yet I still have hope that one day we can truly recover the good times we have had and create a new life together that represents total commitment to each other, caring about and meeting each other’s needs, spending time together, protecting each other’s feelings, and complete trust and honesty.

So I’m asking you to please understand that I need to protect my feelings for you so that if you decide to give our marriage a new chance, I will still love you and want to try again. I see no other way to accomplish this other than to end all contact with you until your affair has ended. Knowing that you are in contact with OM everyday and emotionally invested elsewhere is destroying the love I have for you. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If I were to continue another day, there would be nothing left.

Please respect my decision to separate from you in this way.

Please do not contact me at all unless/until you have ended contact with OM permanently and have decided that you want to work on restoring love, trust and friendship in our marriage, following a recovery plan. All of my email addresses have been deactivated and my mobile phone number has been disconnected.

If you have any emergency matters, please direct any communication through my father who will handle everything completely businesslike, and he will also be completely impartial and non-judgmental.

It is not that I don't want you in my life...I want that more than anything...but I want all of you… and I want you all to myself. Sharing you is just too painful and not something any husband in his right mind should allow.

If you should decide that you want to work on restoring our marriage, I promise you that I will leave the past behind us. I will ask only that you do the same. I hope that one day you will decide to allow us to begin again. I want to grow old with you.

I loved you when I first laid eyes on you and when I married you. To this day I love you more than life itself.

lots of love,

GH31

Thoughts and suggestions welcome!

Dear GH,

I don't think it right for you to give summaries about your situation, and ask for advice, without making this clear:

quote:
We were living in Germany and she moved in with OM in England. She came back to see me in Germany several times and I did a 100% pure Plan A, showing her a great time. I also made the mistake of having two ONSs and was honest with my W about it. She seemed indifferent at first and then cried all of the next day, then emailed me saying I had to cancel other dates, that she wanted us to work things out etc.

You posted the above to toosadtosmile yesterday.

You have mentioned the ONSs before and somehow they have not been picked up at all by those who have replied to you. I don't think that this means they are not a factor to be taken into consideration. I think the information has simply been missed. I don't think that you should conclude from that oversight that your ONSs are not relevant to the recovery of your marriage.

Hi Sugar Cane,

Thank you very much for posting to me. The ONSs are most certainly a factor in recovery. I was completely wrong to do what I did and regret it bitterly. When my W came back to "reconcile" in April for 9 days before running off to OM again, we were sat in a restaurant having dinner and I gave her my cellphone and asked her to delete these two girls' numbers. I wanted to make it very clear to her that I meant business about reconciling and I have had no contact with them since. One of them I could easily have fallen in love with given the traumatized state I was in.

WW has promised repeatedly to end contact with OM but does not have the strength to do it. She lived with him and went on trips with him all over Europe, so the attachment would take some time to fade - if at all. It took about 4 weeks for me to let go of "what if" with the second ONS girl, once I myself decided that there would be no more contact.

SugarCane, I am no one to judge. I feel sometimes that I have completely held up my part of the bargain and that I am getting deceived, lied to and betrayed over and over again. Whilst I was terribly wrong to do what I did, I did not lie to my wife about it at all nor leave any question unanswered.

Please keep posting to me.

best,

GH31

Dear GH31,

Thank you for your warm reply to me. I was a bit worried after I posted that you might have seen my comment as a criticism of you. It was not intended to be.

Actually, first, before I say anything about your situation, I should point out that the only expertise that I have in affair busting and marital recovery is from the idiot end of the experience. I don't know how to do this correctly; I can only offer advice to people NOT to do what I did. I don't think I'll be able to give you any positive advice at all!

You had some excellent people posting to you in your first thread, and I was surprised when I read it through that they did not respond to your information about the ONSs. I know that such things are always addressed here and that's what makes me think that this is an oversight.

I just wonder whether your WW's knowledge of your actions might not be affecting her approach to the marriage and her affair. I wonder why she has been happy to put your information aside. Does it help her justify her continuing adultery?

I have no idea about how your ONSs should be factored into your Plans A or B, but I suspect that they should affect the advice you will be given. I just don't see how you can receive appropriate advice if all the facts are not realised. I know you have mentioned them elsewhere but you did not mention them in this thread.

I think I was drawn to post to you because of your British and European connections. I am posting on one other thread, that of Tully, who lives in France, for the same reason. However, having just read about your WW's trips with OM all over Europe I think I must have an instinctive pull towards the affair that involves European travel, even though I don't know about the travel when I first post! If you can bear to read my posts to Tully you will see where all of our WS's affairs coincide.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I will keep an eye on your thread, but I urge you to pull other people in, because I have not been successful having handled my marriage in my own way.

Sugar.

Sample Plan B Letter:

"Please advise what changes should be made to it. I am thinking that it's probably a little too long and sentimental:"


You are correct, to mushy.


WW,

I need to protect my feelings for you I see no other way to accomplish this other than to end all contact with you until your affair has ended.

If you have any emergency matters, please direct any communication to my father.

GH31

"Thoughts and suggestions welcome!"

Above is all the mush cut out. Doesn't leave much. Here is what I had given to another poster in your place.


WW:

I can no longer let you and the OM continue to disrespect me. To remove the pain caused by your affair and to stop you from disrespecting me I am going No Contact with you.

While in NC there will be no form of direct communication. All contact will be through my father. He will only inform me as to the nature of your request and what action you are requesting.

I will not accept phone calls, mail, email, IM, or any other form of direct contact while you are in your affair.

I will be open to direct communication once you do the following. WW goes NC with the OM. WW, you move back home with your parents. You are willing to live transparent so NC can be verified by me, BH.



Let her find out that you blocked her and changed numbers when she tries to break NC.
It will help get her off balance and realize that you meant what you said. Also make sure your money goes plan B.

OK Boys & Girls,

Here is an edited version of my Plan B letter. I have already mentioned on another thread that I'm speaking to Steve Harley on Tuesday. If my WW refuses to speak to him (I won't demand that she does, I will simply respectfully suggest) then I will go straight to Plan B.

We have a day at the races planned for next Friday with the family and I would prefer to go Plan B before this, to make the shock and dose of reality as potent as possible.

My Dearest Darling WW,

This letter to you comes from my heart and is without doubt the hardest thing that I’ve had to do in my life.

I love you with all of my heart. Even with all that has happened, I still consider you my best friend and believe that you are the most wonderful woman I’ve ever known. I still believe that we are meant to spend forever together. However, every time I see you or talk to you part of my heart is torn because I want so much for things to be different. I want so much more than you are able to give to me at present.

I want you to know that I am so sorry for my part in creating the environment that helped to make your affair possible. I selfishly pursued my own objectives without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs, put you first in my life, and to support, protect and cherish you. I deeply regret that I did not give you the time, attention, and care that you needed to be happy.

During the past 9 months, I have been learning what a marriage should be and I’ve tried to show you this in the time that we’ve had together. I now know without any doubt what is needed to make our marriage a happy, loving and supportive place to be. I have made so many changes and believe I have shown to you that I can and am willing to make these necessary changes. Some you may have noticed and some you have yet to discover.

Most importantly I have learned that there is nothing as important to me as you.

Whatever problems we had, I am certain that we can overcome them and create a new life together - one that allows us to spend time with each other making each other happy. I imagine a new life together, spending time doing new things together and with our family friends, making memories.

I have tried so hard to stay connected to you even under these extremely difficult circumstances and have treasured every moment that we have had. However, the current situation has become too excruciating for me to endure.

Knowing that you romantically involved with another man tears me to shreds. At times the thoughts are unbearable. Yet I still have hope that one day we can truly recover the good times we have had and create a new life together that represents total commitment to each other, caring about and meeting each other’s needs, spending time together, protecting each other’s feelings, and complete trust and honesty.

Understand that I need to protect my feelings for you so that if you decide to give our marriage a new chance, I will still love you and want to try again. There is no other way to accomplish this other than to end all contact with you until your affair has ended. Knowing that you are in contact with OM and emotionally invested elsewhere is destroying the love I have for you.

This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If I were to continue another day, there would be absolutely nothing left.

Please respect my decision to separate from you in this way.

I will not have any direct communication with you unless/until I am convinced that you yourself have decided to end all communication with OM permanently and for the rest of eternity, and have decided that you want to work on restoring love, trust and friendship in our marriage by following a recovery plan.

If you have any genuine emergency matters, please direct any communication through my father who will handle everything completely businesslike, and he will also be completely impartial and non-judgmental.

It is not that I don't want you in my life...I want that more than anything...but I want all of you… and I want you all to myself. Sharing you is much too painful and something that no husband in his right mind would tolerate.

If you should decide that you want to work on restoring our marriage, I promise you that I will leave the past behind us. I will ask only that you do the same. I hope that one day you will decide to allow us to begin again.

I loved you when I first laid eyes on you W, and when I married you.

I continue to love you to this day.

yours always,

GH31 xxx

Please give me suggestions on this. I will deactivate my email and cellphone accounts so she will have no idea how to reach me other than through my father. Also, I won't tell her which firm I accept a job with either.

This has to be done, as heartbreaking as it is. My life is important.

GH31,


IMO, you should leave this part out. She could easily use this as an excuse to never talk about the A and work through it if she decides to rejoin the marriage.

LC

Agreed. That statement conflicts with your requirement that she follow a recovery plan, because talking about the affair is necessary to process it (for you), and understand her weaknesses (for her).

gh31

OK so your the type of person that comes here to only to hear affirmation of what they want to do not what they should do. I have told you what you should do. Now I only will highlight what you should take out of your letter.

I'll try one more time. What is inappropriate I will delete. You are still coming across as begging, needy, weak. These traits only turn women off. If you want to turn off your WW and let her feel that the OM is more of a man. Ignore what I have written. You must come across as a man that will not be dumped on by any woman.



"DearWW,

the current situation has become too excruciating for me to endure.

I need to protect my feelings for you I will not have any direct communication with you unless yourself have decided to end all communication with OM permanently
If you have any genuine matters, direct any communication through my father who will handle businesslike, and impartial

GH31"



"Please give me suggestions on this. I will deactivate my email and cellphone accounts so she will have no idea how to reach me other than through my father. Also, I won't tell her which firm I accept a job with either."

This is the best way to go dark, good.

TheRoad,

I'm glad you shortened this way down. I was hesitant to say anything about the length, but wanted to because when I was wayward I swear I had ADD.

I was thinking if I had recieved a Plan B letter from my DH it would have to have been about 4 sentences long or all I would have read was blah, blah, blah.

GH31,

Consider your WW may have the attention span of a 2 year old so make it short and to the point or she is going to totally miss the point of the whole thing.

LC

Plan B is supposed to be a love letter that declares love, separation, and the road to restoration.

I am concerned about the part that handles the road to restoration as an opportunity for WS to cake-eat.

Therefore, use this opportunity to thank her for highlighting the error of your ways. Further, while you had hoped that you may reconcile to demonstrate your recovery, thank her for the revelation such that this knowledge would be used to protect any future relationships.

Don't forget to wish her well.

Oh Yeah, I would also try to keep it short... dearest darling - does sound too mushy and needy.

PS: As a writer of poems, it is my personal practice to rewrite a piece maybe some ten times until I feel that I have shaved all the gumfph to retain the essence of thought. I hope this helps.

OK Guys,

Thank you for your input, especially you "TheRoad". Usually I am disciplined and harsh to a fault and I need a hard taskmaster like you.

I will shorten this letter down and repost.

best

GH31

Here it is again, slightly more abridged than before. TheRoad, I am sure you'll give me a beating for its length - will shorten it again.

Isn't the sample Plan B letter in SAA about the same length as this one?

Dearest WW,

I love you with all of my heart. Even with all that has happened, I still consider you my best friend and believe that you are the most wonderful woman I’ve ever known.

I profoundly regret my part in creating the environment that helped to make your affair possible. I selfishly pursued my own objectives without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs, put you first in my life, and to support, protect and cherish you. I deeply regret that I did not give you the time, attention, and care that you needed to be happy.

During the past 9 months, I have been learning what a marriage should be and I’ve tried to show you this in the time that we’ve had together. I now know without any doubt what is needed to make our marriage a happy, loving and supportive place to be.

Most importantly I have learned that there is nothing as important to me as you.

Whatever problems we had, I am certain that we can overcome them and create a new life together - one that allows us to spend time with each other making each other happy. I imagine a new life together, spending time doing new things together and with our family friends, making memories.

Staying connected to you even under these extremely difficult circumstances has become harder with each passing day, and the current situation has become too excruciating for me to endure.

Understand that I need to protect my feelings for you so that if you decide to give our marriage a new chance, I will still love you and want to try again. There is no other way to accomplish this other than to end all contact with you until your affair has ended. Knowing that you are in contact with OM and emotionally invested elsewhere is destroying the love I have for you.

This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If I were to continue another day, there would be absolutely nothing left.

I will not have any direct communication with you unless/until I am convinced that you yourself have decided to end all communication with OM permanently and for the rest of eternity, and have decided that you want to work on restoring love, trust and friendship in our marriage by following a recovery plan.

If you have any genuine emergency matters, please direct any communication through my father who will handle everything completely businesslike, and he will also be completely impartial and non-judgmental.

It is not that I don't want you in my life...I want that more than anything...but I want all of you… and I want you all to myself. Sharing you with another man is not something any husband in his right mind would agree to.

I knew I loved you very soon after we met, and continue to love you still.

yours always,

GH31 xxx

You call that short, cold, to the point, strictly business?

I give up. A plan B letter is not to woo her. It's to tell her that being she's banging the OM you will not have contact with WW until she goes NC with the OM.

I agree about short attention spans needing concise letters. I'll take a shot at paring down what you've written. It may not be pared down enough, but it's a bit closer:

OK The Road,

How about this one? I realise it is still a little long but I don't think it's as sentimental as the last few drafts.

Dearest WW,

I accept full responsibility for my selfish and thoughtless behaviour which made you feel unloved and vulnerable to seeking involvement outside of our marriage. I failed in my responsibility to support, protect and cherish you - and make you the top priority in my life.

In the last nine months I have learned what a marriage really should be and have endeavoured to show you this in the time we have had together. I now know exactly what is required to make our marriage a beautiful place to be and that there is nothing in this world more important to me than you.

However, the current situation has become too excruciating for me to endure. Knowing that you communicate with OM, are emotionally invested elsewhere and debating whether or not to spend time with him when he visits Australia next month causes me searing and traumatizing pain and is destroying the love I have left for you.

In order to protect my feelings for you should you earnestly wish to reconcile, I see no other alternative than to completely cease all communication with you. If I were to continue another day there would be nothing left.

I will not have any direct communication with you unless/until I am absolutely convinced that you yourself have decided to end all communication with OM permanently and for the rest of eternity, and have decided that you want to work on restoring love, trust and friendship in our marriage by following a recovery plan. In this case I will be willing to discuss a future together.

If you have any genuine emergency matters, please direct any communication through my father who will handle everything completely businesslike, and he will also be completely impartial and non-judgmental.

It is not that I don't want you in my life...I want that more than anything...but I want all of you… and I want you all to myself. Sharing you is not something any husband in his right mind would ever agree to.

I love you very much WW and am hopeful we will one day have the opportunity to begin again.

yours,

GH31

GH31 ol chap. I think you are being too wordy because you are still emotional, (understandably so under the circumstances). I am not wanting to sound critical but the longer it is the more it sounds like you are pleading.

It is toooooooo lonnnnnggggggggg my friend.

Use the one that Jayne posted it is a good compromise.


Good luck.

OK Jayne, Road and BcBoy,

Here's Jayne's edited version. I really need your help here. Throughout our marriage I have been an alpha male to a fault (read abusive jerk) but as you can see, am now a wreck.

Do keep helping me out to deliver an effective Plan B letter; I am aware that my BS fog is so thick you could chew it.

Dearest WW,

I love you with all of my heart. Even with all that has happened, I still consider you my best friend and believe that you are the most wonderful woman I’ve ever known.

I regret my part in creating the environment that helped to make your affair possible. I selfishly pursued my own objectives without understanding my responsibility to meet your needs. I did not give you the time, attention, and care that you needed to be happy.

During the past 9 months, I have been learning what a marriage should be. I now know what is needed to make marriage happy, loving and supportive.

Staying connected to you under these circumstances has become too painful for me.

I need to protect my feelings for you so that if you decide to give our marriage a new chance, I will still love you and want to try again. The only way to accomplish this is to to end all contact with you until your affair has ended. Knowing that you are in contact with OM is destroying the love I have for you.
This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation.

I will not have any direct communication with you unless/until you have ended all communication with OM for the rest of eternity, and have decided to work on restoring love, trust and friendship in our marriage by following a recovery plan.

If you have an emergency, please communicate through my father who has agreed to handle everything.

It is not that I don't want you in my life...I want that more than anything...but I want all of you… and I want you all to myself. Sharing you with another man is not something any husband in his right mind would agree to.

yours,

GH31

Keep your remarks coming

Much better. You want to cut out dramatic phrases like excruciating, which you've now done. I still am not a big fan of "for the rest of eternity" in a PBL, it's a little too melodramatic for me. YMMV though.

Oh, do you have a plan for a last wonderful time together before handing her the PBL and going dark?

Oh, and I think in a separate document you are supposed to outline specifically the conditions for return. And if you do so, you may be able to substitute "unless/until you have ended all communication with OM for the rest of eternity, and have decided to work on restoring love, trust and friendship in our marriage by following a recovery plan." with something a lot shorter, like "until you are truly returning to work on recovering our marriage, as described in the attached list."

The list would contain NC with OM; her writing a NC letter approved by you and verified sent by you; complete transparency with all passwords, computer accounts, cell phones, etc; MC? ...? There are example lists around.