iam

It has nothing to do with forgetting the pain.

New BS's only see from their own perspective. And, I do not mean that they ignore their WS's view. They tend to ignore overall picture presented here at MB. They come here and look for posts that relate to their particular needs that will help them.

It has come with experience here that both the WS and the BS must examine their boundries and adjust them to adapt to their new reality.

It is not about who got to play around and who did not. It's about protecting the marriage. If the both spouses are not willing to do the work to protect the marriage then there will be no recovery.

One reason there are more affairs in a marriage is that the WS does not work in setting appropriate boundries after D day.

One reason there are revenge affairs is that the BS did not have strong boundries or improve them post D day.

And vet's see from theirs, no different.

It's all about forgetting pain.

iam

So then being you disagreed with my opening, the least important part of the post then I'm left to assume that you disagree with the main point of the post.

"It has come with experience here that both the WS and the BS must examine their boundries and adjust them to adapt to their new reality.

It is not about who got to play around and who did not. It's about protecting the marriage. If the both spouses are not willing to do the work to protect the marriage then there will be no recovery.

One reason there are more affairs in a marriage is that the WS does not work in setting appropriate boundries after D day.

One reason there are revenge affairs is that the BS did not have strong boundries or improve them post D day. "

Generalizing....

I see it as a BS having to change so the WS stays in line. Mr. Z can't go to Vegas because Mrs. Z screwed around. Ain't his fault. I think the BS gets the short end of the stick overall.

I've had to change some things in my life to protect my WS because of her shortcomings, not mine. I think all BS's do that.

I think I 'get it'. It justs pisses me off.

That will NEVER happen.

It IS about getting beyond it.

Same difference in my book.

Ah.

Perhaps it is about perspective then.

Mrs. Zonie, I think you and your H need to talk more about things. Frankly, I'm not on board with the idea that a husband and wife have trips only with each other, even if it is the Harley view. It's limiting, which for some marriages is fine, if the husband and wife enjoy doing everything together. More power to them. For mine, it would be a death knell. I also believe that not all trips should be judged equally.

I can speak only from my perspective as the FWW. My husband goes on trips - hunting trips, with his friends. I have no problem with that, I don't see those trips as a threat to our marriage, as he has scaled them down to once a year. He has several friends who do this, all with good, long marriages.

I also don't want to go hunting, so why should he stop doing something that he likes? (As if he would...)

But....if it were a trip to Las Vegas, sin city? No. Way. On. Earth. Las Vegas is somewhere you go as a couple, or as a single person. Too many temptations.

Personally, I think a compromise is in order. Must the trip be in Las Vegas? Can't they just go to a nice, classy resort and golf?

I do feel that the same rules ought to apply to the BS and to the FWS. But I feel that in this case the rules are being used punitively against Mr. Zonie, when the real problem is the location of the trip. I'm sure some will disagree, and I'm ok with that.

Perhaps. I've gotten beyond it. Most days the pain is a 0-1. Occasionally I hit the 5-7 range. After 2/12 years, I don't see the 8-10's anymore.

I think a big part of that is the good old 'time heals all wounds'.

Going hunting is not a vacation to me. It is an activity.
Some people live where they can't hunt and have to drive many hours to get there. Being due to the distance traveled they may opt to stay over night.

I go to hunt. The goal is to put meat in the freezer. I know some men go hunting to drink a lot, play cards, and strip clubs.

I have hunted half days because of the long drive and not being able to afford to make it an over night trip.

I have missed hunting because my family needs and family vacation always had my financial priority.

I would never want to go on a vacation without my W.

Hi Iam! I want to address something you wrote:

As people have been saying, it's about perspective.

I don't know if you read all of my posts, but Mr Z has not been perfect, and he let his boundaries down in the past. Having some "rules" in place that we both follow protects both of us.

Don't worry about my opinion, I'm nobody.

Still, I don't think I (or any BS) should have to give up an activity because their partner cannot be trusted. That said, I admire the ones who do.

If my spouse were an alcholic, I would not have booze in the house. But if I were without them at a wedding it would not prevent me having a glass of wine.