Too long, too mushy, too sappy, still coming across major needy, clingy, and wimpy.

You can close the letter with these conditions for recovery:

I want to recover our marriage. But, I will not do so until you have gone NC with the OM. Have moved back into your parents home.

You do not realize that there is your WW banging the OM and you are still starting off a letter calling her "Dearest". Oh yeah that is going to make your WW respect you as a man instead of wimp.

I don't want to be this blunt, but as my dad would tell me: your so thick nothing will penetrate.

I think you're on the right track. Blunt and to the point is good, however, according to MB, this should also be a love letter of sorts. Being blunt and to the point could also be seen as "controlling and demanding" instead of setting your boundaries.

Here's my edits

I like what PM did. The other ones are too wordy. She'd just skip right over parts of it probably.

I second the vote for PM's version.

Remember that Gary Larson cartoon about what you say to dogs and what dogs hear? It's basically a guy rambling on about how Rover is such a good boy, pretty boy etc., etc., etc. What the dog hears is "Rover blah blah blah.. Rover.. blah blah blah etc."
Waywards are like dogs - they only hear what they want. Everything else is just noise. You need to reduce the noise or your message will be lost.

Yup!

If the PM version works for you great. I like the idea of keeping it crisp and to the point. Too many words and trying to express your undying love, excruciating pain etc comes across as pleading. (Help me I am wounded)

Good Luck. Keep your chin up.

TheRoad,

Thanks for dropping by again. My wife and I live together in the same home and her father lives with us.

We live in Sydney, Australia and OM lives in England - 10,000 miles away.

My reasons for going Plan B are that WW refuses to go NC with OM and thinks it would be OK to meet him when he visits Australia next month. That is my issue here. WW hasn't seen OM in person for nearly 6 months.

The very fact that whether or not to see OM is a "matter of debate" is what is making me utterly disgusted with my WW and wanting to go Plan B. If I stay around here much longer I really will start hating myself.

You need to tell your FIL. Being he lives with you, he will be in a position pressure your WW.

If you can't handle your WW having contact with OM and can no longer handle it the go plan B now.

If you can plan A her for the next three weeks before the OM comes then use this time to leave her with good memories before you go plan B.

ITA!

And PM's version of the PBL is great, go with it.

I am speaking with Steve Harley tonight at 10pm Sydney time. I hope for WW's sake that she speaks to him so that I don't have to do Plan B - in truth I just want this Plan implemented. I picked her up from work yesterday and she was very stressed. I then showed her a great time by taking her climbing - we did a few indoor walls and she enjoyed herself. Was flirty with me all the way home and kept asking which company in Sydney I would go and work for.

Quick question for anyone experienced in a Plan B. I am mentally rehearsing the Nuclear Bomb Day currently and have already purchased my removals cartons, priced up storage and removals costs. A friend of mine has also very kindly offered a room to me while I look for my own place - that's if I stay in Australia. Steve Harley will advise as to whether I should stay here. I am very tempted to go back to Germany.

Do I give the PBL letter to my WW in person on the day I move out, or do I just move out and leave the PBL in her room as a little surprise without giving her a chance to respond to the letter before I go?

Please advise.

Also, here are my conditions for being convinced of NC:

• NC letter, approved and couriered by me
• NC letter sent also as an email to the 3 known email addresses for OM.
• Deactivation of mine and WW's Facebook account
• 
  Deactivation of WW's Flickr account
• Deactivation of WW and my Hotmail accounts - to be replaced by a joint one for us
• Deactivation of my Skype account and WW's Skype account to be replaced by a joint one for both of us
• WW's work email account to be changed - and me copied in on all emails so I am certain that it has been completed
• WW and I take a trip away when OM comes to Sydney
• Complete transparency about all passwords, cellphones, reading of emails, SMSs
• MC with a proven programme for overcoming infidelity (WW still insists it wasn't an affair because we were "broken up")
• All questions to be answered directly and honestly. Throughout our 9 years together - even the times we were deeply in love I have lost count of the number of times WW has answered a question and I have had to say "That's not what I asked..."

I think this list is fair enough. If she meets these terms then I will be satisfied that she is serious.

GH31

Best case scenario, you have the awesomest romantic date night ever, and at the end of it you hand it to her - as she is walking out the door if y'all aren't living together; but I think you are. In which case I dunno if you'd leave after handing it to her or what. I think the advice is for the BS to remain in the marital home.

The trouble is I am a little outnumbered. WW and FIL live here, and in order to do a true Plan B I would need to completely detach from her family also.

G'Day Roady,

FIL knows about OM's visit. Thinks my WW is completely deranged and gave her a stern talking to. She just repeatedly said "I don't want to talk about it Dad...". She said to her dad "GH31 and I are working things out...".

WW just thinks that as long as nobody taks about it, everything will be fine.

What is your relationship with FIL like? Does he know about your plan to Plan B? Do you trust him enough to know? I ask you to think about it carefully - at the end of the day, blood is thicker and all that.

I see two different scenarios but it all depends on you. The first is to leave it for her after you have gone - to force her to actually face the true consequences of infidelity (loss of you). She might need this type of shock - likely she is so fogged out she doesn't really believe you will leave her. I believe this will be the most effective, given the history going on here. The downside to this is that you WILL be gone. Your FIL will still be there - will he understand? Will he rat you out if he knows ahead of time? Can you leave him a note of some sort explaining what Plan B is and what you are doing? Will he support you?

The second is to give it to her in your presence. On the one hand, you will see her reaction (which may make you feel better for the moment). On the other hand, it gives her an opportunity for more fog-babble that she won't be able to pass up, as you know. How strong are you? You can't waiver, even slightly, if you go this route. It will also take a few days, maybe longer, for the message to sink in that you really mean it.

Personally, I like the shock value factor of option 1. It forces her to actually deal with the issue, rather than make excuses for it.

G'Day Tabby,


My relationship with FIL is very good. We have lived together for 5 years and get along very well. He thinks that what my WW has done is a disgrace. I did mention something to him about moving out 2 weeks ago. Then my WW got wind of it and was all nice and accommodating to me. He probably would understand Plan B. Also, I would leave a letter for him too so that WW wouldn't be able to hoodwink him.


In a few words Tabby, I am bloody tough. WW can't believe how think skinned I have been throughout this whole ordeal. I have said to her many times "Just go to back OM. If you genuinely think I am responsible for all the unhappiness in your life - just go". And then she doesn't. I know I will cause myself tremendous pain by doing this, but by staying I will be humiliating and emasculating myself.

This has cake-eating written all over it. You see that, don't you? If it were me, I'd go the surprise route. What will she do when she has no opportunity to explain? Let her panic for a bit. Explain to your FIL in advance - especially the necessity that he isn't to tip her off - and then do it. You will be able to find out via FIL what she does - which I'm sure at first will be to attempt to contact the OM.

Be prepared - since the OM is scheduled to visit soon, she will probably go through with that. But this changes things as well. She will no longer have the option to cake eat. She is going to have to pick either/or, not both. She will look at OM through different glasses this time.

But only if you are really tough. And stay really dark.

GH,

Giving it to her in person is best. Also give a copy to your FIL so he knows what is going on. Then leave, which means you need to have packed and probably moved your stuff before giving it to her.

I would not alert anyone about your plan B until you are ready to do it. The order of things is not as important as the fact that she be the first to know about it.

By the way, plan B letter is supposed to be a love letter, but not a letter that indicates you will drop everything if she shows the slightest change. She needs to meet the conditions and she needs to know you mean it. Thus the balance between a love letter, and a "crips" letter explaining to her "how the cow ate the cabbage."

God Bless,

JL

JL doesn't need my endorsement, but I agree with this:


FIL tipped her off before, you can't risk it. And I agree with this:


This however has me boggled:


What means "how the cow ate the cabbage"?

Are you sure I shouldn't just pack up and go JL, when she is at work? I sense that she will do everything to make sure I don't take the laptop!!

I will ask Steve Harley when I speak with him tonight.

GH31

GH,

You could pack up and go. You could do it many ways. I would listen to Steve H and see what he says. The end result will be the same in that you go to plan B and you go dark. Exactly how you do it (exiting through back door or front door) doesn't matter as much to my way of thinking. But, perhaps you will hear some more cogent arguements for one method over another.

"How the cow ate the cabbage" is an old saying meaning explaining how things work, how things happen, what happened, in very very clear and strong language. Hence the strange euphamism (sp?), which is not so clear.

Does this help???

God Bless,

JL

Hi JL,


I spoke with Steve Harley last night and my wife spoke to him for about ten minutes after I told her I am as good as done with her. She kept talking about all the "resentment" that she has for me and how she "can't allow herself to have feelings for me etc". Then she seemed to get some of what he was talking about.

But my mind is made up. Since she has not agreed to cease all contact with OM permanently I will take the job in Munich. She smells a rat about me leaving as I was speaking to my cousin in German last night and whilst my WW doesn't speak the language she did understand a few things. She seemed rather sad at the notion last night and then indifferent this morning (the fog rolling in again).

When I am with her things seem "normal" but when I am surfing or walking by myself a voice in my head keeps saying "are you nuts? Have you lost all of your dignity? Have you lost your mind? Your sense of what being a man is?". So there it is.

Yesterday I met two strangers from New Zealand on the boat as I was returning from the city (that's how we travel to work in fabulous Sydney) and for some reason got talking to them about my plight and the choices that I face. They took me out for coffee when we disembarked - I was a little nervous at first because I thought they might try to recruit me into a cult or into network marketing. However, they were simply being generous and I left feeling a bit clearer on which path to take.

Australia is my home and I can always come back here whenever I want, but this other opportunity in Europe will only present itself once.

So let it be written, so let it be done...