I agree. It is time for Plan B. I mean, honestly, you have no intention of ever going back to him, so why should you ever even be in contact with him again?

You shouldn't!

Change your phone numbers, get a new email address and delete the old one, notify your work that he is not to be allowed near you (especially good if you have a security guard at your work!), notify your sons' families/schools/whatever what's going on and ask them all to help you in getting away from him.

You don't owe him ANYTHING! He had a chance to be a good husband and he blew it. Walk away and start living the life you deserved all along.

{{{DTP}}}

Update, please!

Remember, if you end up going back to him, we won't stop helping you. It happens all the time. So if you end up going back, let's talk about it and see what you really want and how we can help. Ok?

bump!

Hi Mom,


It's almost been 2 weeks since you've embarked on a courageous, new life.
I miss you very much, but that is overshadowed by how proud I am of you.
Keep strong, keep faith, and know your sons' love will never waver.

-- your Son



P.S., to all of those who have lived a situation similar to my mother's, keep strong and know that it is never too late to change your life and never too late to find people who support you through it. I admire your perseverance, and I hope you will see brighter days.

Hi SonOfDTP,

Thanks for coming on here and posting! I pray your mom is safe. If it is safe for you to say, can you let us know if she is safe? If you are in contact with her (you don't have to say here) please let her know people care for her and are praying for her.

BY THE WAY: JUST IN CASE YOU ARE DTP's H instead of son, as far as I know, none of us know anything about her whereabouts and if anyone does, they aren't gonna say here, I hope. But really I think no one here knows.

She is safe as far as I know

Thank you for your concern and support

Yes, DTP, there is a very good book that you might find very helpful in recovering your life as a child of GOD, married to HIS Son....it's called the Bible.

All of the other books you've been reading are good, but I get the sense there is a "spiritual void" in your life that can't be filled by anyone other than God Himself.

If you'd prefer to discuss some "selected passages" rather than try to read through the whole Bible at this time, just say so and I, and most likely some others on MB too, would be happy to engage with you in a discussion of those things and God's plan for your life.

One last thing for now, as catperson recommended, STOP all communication FROM or TO your husband. Go completely dark. When it comes time for the court proceeding on the divorce petition, THAT will be the only time you should have any contact FROM or TO him. So get rid of your phone and get a new one. DO NOT give the new phone number to anyone that is NOT integral to your plan for divorce (like your attorney and possibly your children IF they are solidly in support of your divorcing their "Dad").

Remember this: "I have not given you a Spirit of fear, but of power."

TAKE up God's offer to all believers: "I CAN do ALL things THROUGH Christ who gives me (His) strength." (Philippians 4:13)


God bless.

Well said, jayne and FH.

DTP, please find a way to let us know if you are ok.

Thanks to everyone, especially to Sonof DTP, for their unwavering support and prayers. I especially miss my children, but I know that in the future, I will be able to be with them, a stronger person, one they can be so proud of. I am safe, and have maintained no contact with my future-ex. Work has told him not to come to the place, but he thinks that he can convince me by his words and "crying." Yeh, right, tell that to the Marines!

What Biblical verses are good for me to maintain my strength, resolve and faith, in these very very trying times?

Two thoughts come to mind:

First, the prayer of Solomon, "Give me an understanding heart."
You don't need to paint your husband as the devil in order to separate from him. Instead, you can be empathetic towards him from afar.

Second, I read in a book called Anticancer this story:

"I learned that she had been raped several times by her father. The helplessness she now felt facing this disease probably echoed the impotence she had experineced as a child. She remembered every detail from the day when, as a six year old, she cut the inside of her thigh on a garden gate. Her father had taken her to the doctor and sat by while she had stiches put in, all the way up to her pubis, without anethesia. Back home, her father had laid her flat on her stomach and, holding her down with his hand on the nape of the neck, raped her for the first time."

The author goes on to say, "Like almost all victims of sexual abuse, Lilian felt partly responsible for the atrocious acts. As we continued our work, at one point, she suddenly realized that it hadn't been her fault. She had only been a very small child and her father should have looked after her and protected her. That was now self evident to her; she had done nothing that could justify such an act of aggresion. She had simply fallen. What could be more ordinary for an active, adventurous little girl? The connection between the adult standpoint and the old, childish distortion preserved in the scar from the trauma was taking shape as I looked on.. The competent adult she had become could take care of this child...She saw him as he now was - a pitiful old man, so weak he had trouble walking. His life is so difficult. I feel sad for him."

The prayer I like to pray is the Serenity Prayer:
God grant me
the Serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
Courage to change
the things I can,
and Wisdom to know
the difference.

For me, and perhaps for you, the woman in an abusive relationship feels responsible for her husband's behavior and keeps trying to change so he won't hurt her.

Like the little girl who is raped by her father, the recognition that there is nothing you could have done to cause what he did will go a long way towards giving you serenity.

I am glad that your son is supportive of you. A separation will help you to get out of the foggy thinking that you were to blame. You weren't. And it takes recognizing your own dignity -- the dignity of every human being -- to remove yourself from a situation of abuse.

Cherished

Hi,

I am physically okay and safe. I filed for divorce, but my to-be-exH still believes that I will go back to him so he sends his "emissaries" to say that he "loves me very very much." What a crock of -! Anyway, I know that what I did (leaving the relationship) was very brave, but some people around me are blaming me for what happened and calling me stupid for letting my to-be-ex trample all over me. I do not get to see my kids as often as I want to, and some people are saying that maybe my kids are not as supportive as I thought they were. I know deep in my heart that they are. I need positive thoughts, anyone?

Thanks in advance.

You need to stay strong and stay safe. This is a hard time of year, so don't give in.

Everything WILL get better, that I promise you.

Hi DTP-

I want to say that you are incredibly brave and have done the right thing.

Ignore these people-they have no idea what they are talking about, unless of course they have a Master of Social Work and also have experience working in DV situations. You should ask to see their credentials next time they venture an opinion on that.


Trust your heart on this one. They are supporting you the best they can in their young adult lives. The key thing to remember is that they are YOUNG. They may not know what to say-or realize that it would help you if they checked in more often.

Hang in there-

Thank you for letting us know!

I just want you to know that, whenever another person comes here who is in an abusive situation, I am going to direct them to read your thread, so they can see how a strong, intelligent person handled the same situation and persevered. You are a great role model.

I'm so glad for you. Don't forget to be totally honest with your kids, ok? They need to hear it from you, all you're feeling and going through.

I've been checking in to see if you were posting.

My mother in law, God bless her, told me that I must have treated her son really terribly for him to do what he did to me. (break my arm and have an affair).

You know what I said to her? I said I think he hurt her more than he hurt me. I said no more. All I could think is how I would feel if my son (now 12) broke his wife's arm.

You may waffle back and forth about whether or not you did the right thing, and certainly there will be people who think you did not or there are things you could have done differently so he wouldn't be abusive.

Think about your own children being in an abusive marriage. Think how you would feel if you had not left him and there you were seeing your own marital patterns of abuse being repeated in the marriages of your children.

It can be confusing for kids to see their parents' marriage break up. It takes time for them to sort things out.

You have given them a great gift by leaving him, by saying you would not allow your own dignity to be trampled.

I have chosen to stay with my husband. He has worked hard not to be abusive. He has taken responsibility for his behavior. He has worked hard to be a good husband and father.

And yet, and yet, did I do the right thing to stay? In 10 or 20 years, will I feel guilty because my son turned out to be an abusive husband?

You see, you would wonder if you did the right thing if you stayed, too. It's not a clearcut decision, except perhaps to my own mother who instantly said "Throw the bum out!"

I think the best approach for you would be to be empathetic towards your husband, to recognize that it is possible he has had a change of heart, and yet to be firm if in fact you have made the decision to not allow him back in your life. My younger brother once asked me what it would have taken for me to leave my husband -- if he had broken the arm of a child? Yes, I would have left if he had done that. Every person has a point where there is no return. My husband did not reach the point where I was done with him. If yours did, then be clear but also be compassionate. Sometimes there is no going back.

If you are at all ambivalent, I would encourage you to at least stay separated for a year. An entire year. Give yourself that amount of time to gain some perspective on what you have gone through, to calm down, to reclaim your own dignity...

Cherished

The Holidays were very tough for me, and I am glad that my sons' and friends' support tided me over. I still tend to blame myself for what has happened. I am reading Meg Dugan's book "It's my Life now" and talking with work colleagues. It is good to know that I am not going crazy and that mixed feelings are the norm.

Great to hear from you!!!

*hugs* and happy holidays to you... Glad to hear you are surrounded by your sons and friends.

Thanks for letting us know! Are you exercising? Yoga? Meditation?

DTP,

Have you ever read the book "Night" by a man who survived the Holocaust? I read his book in the last few years, and what he did during the Holocaust is what I did at the worst, which was about 8 years ago. I told myself that things would be different in two years. I told myself that, in two years, I would have a different perspective on the events of today. It took longer than two years, but things certainly are different eight years later.

You cannot know what the future holds. That is what kept me going. I could not see a future that I would like or even be able to endure, but there was one. It just took a long time to get there.

Thanks for updating us. I was hoping we would hear from you.

Cherished

I have not read that book, just self -help ones. I am now sleeping better, and everyone is commenting on how much better I look since I left my To-be-X. It is good not having to deal with the abuse, especially the constant emotional abuse. Whenever I get a tinge of missing him (more appropriately, missing the familiarity of my former life), I just bring back memories of how he humiliated me with his affairs and lies.

I just have to learn to forgive myself for taking so long to leave.

Thank you everyone, for your support.