Well, A year of praticing patience and perseverance came to and end today. It was like a drunk falling off of the wagon. She said someting to me that sent me into a rage. I'm angry, boy am I angry. I've carried this anger all of this time and was somehow able to keep it in check. Usually when a little seeps thru I can catch it before it goes too far, but today was meltdown day. I feel like everything I've advised many of you on is now null and void. <BR> I've been carryibng a secret for about a year of one of her good friends that she had since high school, blabed to another friend about everything. W said to me, "You trying to keep my friends out of my life." To which I responded with the truth of what her friend had done. Then, I went into meltdown. I told her what I thought of everyone who was involed to one degree or another. With all of the friends and relatives that were involved, it did not leave any of then unscathed. It kept going to the point where I confessed to doing something that may have been illegal, to gather further information. No one was hurt by it but me, but I had to know. I was insane then and had no one to talk to that could have put some sense into me. I was not in MB then. Maybe that would have stopped me. To close,(as if I hadn't said enough) I dressed her down for what she did. After I had run out of thing to say, (and I had covered everything) I gathered myself and withdrew. She is very upset from all of this and withdrew as well. As sanity replaced insanity, I left the house to go to the store. Upon return, I finished up some chores and then went to speak to her as she was getting ready to go to work. I told her that I would move out for the week and stay with friends and relatives. She seemed relieved. I think that this is the best thing to do. I feel so stupid for letting this happen. I know many of you are persevering in hopes of someday get where I am in recovery and are wondering why I blew it up. I also think that she is tired of it all and wants out more than I do but is afaid to tell me. <BR>Student, I gave her what your H gave you so I would understand if you rip me a new one.<P>I would appriciate any input any of you would have that could help me get thru this. <BR>

First of all Fighter I felt compelled to write because I really think your advice is great, on the mark.<P>I think that you're probably harboring major resentment from what your wife did and it's SLOWLY seeping out. You've held it in check and now you see the tangible part of it. It's normal, because my husband did the same. And I reacted the same as your wife did at first because it's easy to give up but hard to work through it. Think of it long term, think of what you and your wife have done to overcome those obstacles and think of those good times. I'm having a hard time with H doing this but you have done so much for your wife and seem so intelligent that you know what needs to be done. You're going through a tough time now, it's that dip of the rollercoaster (oh so cliche) but that's what it is. Just ride it out, please. I've been doing that lately and it's panned out. <P>Hang tough!

Thanks Connor, This time, I feel like I fell off of the rollercoaster. Her sheilds are raised, hailing frequencies off, and she's about warp eight outta here. I'll take your advice. This time though I think it's going to be a long walk back.

Hey, fighter.<P>I betcha you think she's wanting to warp on outta there because of her "bailing" signals (those signals aren't always what you think they are). And I can plead guilty on those because I know too well of that. A defense mechanism that says I have to have a break. It's really not fair to you at all because you've done so much work to get to this place that you are. When I read your replies here I think of my H...he says the EXACT same things as you do and I respect him for it. I'm growing and learning because of him. And he still harbors major resentment I don't begrudge him this because he HAS to be able to do this, if I were in his position I don't know if I could do it. I just know that he never deserved this and I wish I could take that pain away. I wish I had the good advice to give you that you give others.. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Connor (edited October 17, 1999).]

HI fighter, sorry to see you again under these conditions. None of us can be perfect all the time. Yep, things got insane and out of hand, things were said and done that should not have been. You have been under such stress for so long.....but no excuses. <BR>So, pick up the pieces and move forward. You are very good at that fighter.I have seen you do it many times when some of us would have drown.<BR>You apologized? I assume that you did. Maybe giver her some space, some time away, but keep in contact by e-mail or nice notes. No more lovebusters. Just apologize for the rage and go forward tenderly. <BR>I am not so sure that this is always so bad fighter. I can remember a blowup with my h....and it turned out okay. We could actually talk about some of the deep resentment I harboured. <BR>I hope that this will turn into something positive for you and your w. Can you see anyway to use this as an opportunity for some real honest communication without the lovebusters? (((hugs))) cl

aghhh<p>[This message has been edited by cl (edited October 17, 1999).]

argh again<p>[This message has been edited by cl (edited October 17, 1999).]

burp...excuse me.<p>[This message has been edited by cl (edited October 17, 1999).]

Thank you Connor. I feel really small for this too. I think she felt worse. I dropped a bomb on her that a friend she's had for 25 years cannot be trusted. When she left, I wanted to give her a hug or something, but I think it would have been unwelcome coming from me after what I had done. I never saw someone so alone. My presence does not help.<BR>The other night there was so much love between us that we were floating on it. Then a few days later this.

**<p>[This message has been edited by cl (edited October 17, 1999).]

**<p>[This message has been edited by cl (edited October 17, 1999).]

Fighter,<P>Sorry to hear of your most recent minor setback. I always look forward to your replies and still do. We all do things that we later regret. Emotions are very powerful and can lead us the wrong way to perform some inappropriate behavior. If only to be a Vulcan. Totally logical, always knowing what to do.<P>I myself may have done something really stupid. Filed for divorce and papers are in W hands. Everything added up for me at the time. 2-1=1. It made perfect sense at the time. This is what I have to do. Was hoping for the "Genesis effect" and don't we all. Rebirth.<P>Don't beat yourself up for this action. I think sometimes we are our own worst enemies. If we could only beam outselves back down to the point before the affair started all our marriages would be saved. I'm alot smarter that I was. Now I can be a good H.<P>Wishing us all the Best<P>Medic

fighter-<BR>Don't leave! Fighting happens in marriage. People even say things they regret. Take this as a sign that you still have a lot of unresolved issues. Even if you could successfully bottle your feelings up for years, it would not lead to a good marriage. <P>My H and I are both very good conflict avoiders. I actually think it might be a very good thing if we were stuck in a room with each other and not allowed to leave for a week or so. Instead, when things get heated, we both back into our corners. And the ultimate escape -- divorce -- is always just around the corner. <P>Apologize to your wife -- not for having angry feelings, but for not finding a better way to deal with them. But tell her you are not leaving because you love her and want to stick it out. <P>You need to learn ways of recognizing and dealing with your feelings before they become so overwhelming that you explode. But the way to deal with this is not to leave! <P>IMHO.

fighter<BR>Listen to Annie!!!<BR>Fighting is normal in marriage. NORMAL!!!<BR>Don't leave! Reach out to her. Don't withdraw and don't let her withdraw anymore.<BR>You needed to get that stuff out. You are human. That was a secret. That's a No No.<BR>secrets of any kind interfere with intimacy.<BR>You were honest. Okay maybe a little too emotional. But you can turn this into a good thing. <BR>Trust me - I have blown it many times. You can use it to get closer. I know you can. Let yourself be human to her. Let her know you made a mistake. I don't think it's good for you to hold that stuff in. It had to blow sooner or later.<BR>Lecture Done!!<BR>Reach Out To Her! A hug is never wrong!

fighter, we can't keep shoving things inside forever, and we can't keep them there forever either. At one point or another we do blow up. I'm pretty sure most of us did that at some point.<BR>Cl can even be right, I also had some positive things coming out of a big blowout with hubby. It was actually one of the turning points.- for better <P>I'm not saying fighting is good, just that after we realise what we've done we can try to turn it into something positive. So some things were said that got both of you upset. But maybe they needed to be out in the open.<P>DOn't give up yet. And yes do reach out to her, even if she seems like she's not accepting, she's noticing you're trying.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Fighter - these guys are giving you some of the same advice you'd be giving one of us, you know? Take it. <P>This doesn't have to be then end. She knows about your anger now. You have one more opportunity to show her your love and compassion. She's not alone. You're there. And there's no one better to help her through this, right?<P>Hang in there. <P>Lori

fighter,<BR>I'm not going to rip you a new one. Although I'm angry that my husband decided to punish me the way he did, what hurt even more is that he still left after I went through all of that. I put up with it because I wanted my marriage, I wanted what we used to have, and I still had hope that underneath this angerball was the man I fell in love with years ago. DON'T LEAVE! Yes, I had some feeling of relief when my H decided on a divorce. Part of me was relieved not to have to deal with that kind of anger, still, I was willing to keep trying if he was able to get some help and above all ***keep trying***. What you may be interpreting as relief may just be resignation and guilt. If you want your marriage, don't leave. Are you in counseling to help deal with your anger? I was in no position to help my H with his anger. My H seems to think he's done me a favor by divorcing me, and I suppose that if he can't get rid of his anger, then he has. I still think that is a cop-out though. Truth is, he didn't want to deal with his anger ENOUGH to save our marriage. You've told me that lots of times, that he didn't want to grow. All I can say is don't lose faith now. Before my H divorced me, I felt like we were on the verge of a major breakthrough with all of this. We were so close, but fear kept us where we were. Don't let that happen to you. <P>Another thing that bugs me so much about my H's decision is this. I confessed voluntarily, I stuck around through his anger to show him that I was willing to help clean up the mess I made. He dumped all over me, then hauled *ss at the worst time of my life. My mom had just been diagnosed with cancer, I was trying to finish my masters (that we BOTH had agreed I should finish). He didn't have the guts to stick around and clean up the mess he made. He admits that now, but still seems to be powerless to change that part about himself. So, you've made a mess. You need to stick around and clean it up. Don't just hand her the Charmin and tell her "good luck". Don't leave. Stay, hug her, love her, go to a counselor and get that anger out. <p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited October 18, 1999).]

Fighter,<BR> Don't give up just because of one blowup!!<P> STAY in your home...show your wife that even though you are angry, you still love her and want to work on your marriage.<P> My H has used that "You don't want me to have any friends" line before, too. It was just a way of trying to make me feel guilty for wanting him to spend time with just me.<P> As you probably know, I've lovebusted quite a few times, too. And, you know something? It seems that we actually made a little progress when I did. Of course, I don't think my H ever wanted to end our marriage, so that may be why my temper tantrums didn't do as much damage as I thought.<P> <BR> Don't beat yourself up. Apologize to your wife for the <B>way</B> you expressed your anger, tell her that you love her and want to continue working on your marriage, and stay at home.<P>

fighter, <P>I think what happened is a good thing. Sure, your delivery could have been better. But, it's out. I know one thing I want in a new marriage with my wife is real intimacy. No secrets. no resentments harboured. I think we all want that now. Holding things in causes a rift between us that makes real intimacy impossible. I think you want that intimacy too. <P>There was a threead a few days ago on resentment. Perhaps that is what you are experiencing. I haven't been hit with that yet but I see that I probably will. <P>So, what do you do? You pick up the pieces and recover. There is no way that any of us should expect that there won't be fights after recovering from this. It's how we recover from the fights that will make the difference. <P>I wouldn't leave her. I hope you did apologize. I hope you will sit down with her and explain how this has hurt you. And how it has caused resentment in you and that you want to get through this with her. I would also ask her if she is holding anything back. Perhaps this is the time for all the cards to be laid out. Maybe now you and your wife can start having that real initmacy now. I'm sure it's going to be tought ot get through this. <BR>But, as your user name states - YOU are a fighter. <P>We are here for you - God knows you have been there for us.<P>SHA

CL, I think it is time to see a psychiatrist. This anger is like a disease that is just not going away. Over time, most anger does go away. In fact before all of this happend, I would tell myself when I got angry that I had a wife and four beautiful children that love me and all that outside stuff did not matter in the grand scheme of things. Now that the sanctuary of my family has been violated, This is all changed. <BR>Medic, life only ratchets in one direction. I'm a lot smarter too. But I wish I wasn't in this way. I look at people a lot differently than I used to. People are basiclly out for themselves and will do whatever they feel like to get what they want no matter who it destroys. This is now my default opinion until they prove otherwise. <BR>Animac, I feel that I have to. My presence there just will torment her. Maybe a shrink will be able to help me better ways to deal with anger. The ways that the counsellor gave me are no longer working.<BR>Wassi, at this point, we ned to be apart for thing to cool down. I kept that secret because I knew how much it would hurt her if she found out. It killed me. That friend stood at the altar with us <BR> KAT, Nothing good came out of this one. Other than the info on the friend, everything else she had heard at one time or another. It is not right to beat her up over it whenever I get angry. <BR>Lostva, I don't know if I am the right person to be there. An element of trust was lost with this blow up. SInce I covered all subject even the ones that she had given me information on, is it possible to trust me with anything that comes up in conversation?<P>Student, It was like I was your husband for that time. I think it would be a relief to her if I was gone. Even though the frquency of outbursts is less, The fact that there is one on the horizon is no relief. Remaining there would just make the mess bigger. She needs the peace of mind by not having me around as a reminder. The anger is not just about the affair, It also has to do with the way she treated me throughout our marrige and in the aftermath of discovey. I'm making an appointment to see a shrink and see if there is something he could do to help. <BR>I do not want her to have to go thru what you went thru only to ultimatly be parted. If we are to stay together, there should be a reward to her for that. If not, I should leave now to keep her from this kind of turmoil. I do not want to have happen to her, what hapend with you. And yours is the model I use for not straddling the fence. One way or the other. <P>Sweetpea, I'm not moving out yet, Just giving it some space to cool down. <P>THank you all for your input. I will see a Psychiatrist for help. And there will be no drastic moves yet.