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GF,
I feel for you.
In the last 12 months I have dealt with my DH's affair, the death of my beloved father in law, my DD16 running away with a 23 year old, being reviled and abused by an old family friend for a belief I have.

It was the A that nearly had me commited into an institution.

I havent been raped, I hope to God I never will be, but some how I think it will never, ever compared to the h3ll of the A.

I know you said you feel heartbroken for your loss. Lets be real here, Do you really think that the posters on a MARRIAGE BUILDING Site will hold your hand while you mourn the loss of your fantasy especailly when the mere mention of your fantasy triggers their pain.

Are you here looking for help on how to avoid becoming a OW in the future ?

Are you looking for statistics on how often a "relationship" between an OW and MM survives once the wife is out of the picture? (3% in case you are curious)

As for your original question I think the WS comes home beacuse that is what they wanted all along. The whole package .. and just beacuse something is missing they try to seek it elsewhere. When the fantasy of that meets the reality of life most A's dissapear and people either learn to renegotiate their reality or move on to another esacpe of fantasy.

Now that the fantasy of your A relationship is gone you too have the same choices. Learn the reality of relationships and use MB principals to have a better more fulfilling real realtionship else you are destined to move from one escape mechanism to another.
Good luck and all the best for your future.

wannamoveforward, just for the record, my lack of sympathy has absolutely nothing to do with any imagined "pain," but with simple common sense. It is a good thing for someone to feel PAIN as a consequence of cruelty to others.

I am just not silly enough to feel sorry for some silly person who hurts herself in the commission of a crime. She volunteered for this, after all; her victims did not. My sympathy is reserved for her VICTIMS.

Also Dreamy, when you listen to advise on that "other board", they will feed your fantasy. "He loved you enough to let you go", He only went home for the kids", He stayed in a loveless, sexless marriage" "He wouldn't have had an affair if he loved his BS" All this is garbage spoken from fogged out wayward minds. And yes i have seen the photos of the "MM convention where all these men are standing around with fog surrounding them" I have read how the OW actually believe the OM sleeps in the basement. Please, you deserve a loving relation with an available man. All you get from being involved with a Married man is drama for the next 18 yrs if he has kids. Raise the bar for your next relationship and demand openness and equality GF

captive, silly women.... :RollieEyes:

First, I am VERY sorry for all the pain you've been through. That is foremost. And you're right, GF. I'm sorry for any perceived tone and I promise it was not written from a mean place. I've never been raped, but came very close to being and have been close to two women who have been. I'll never forget watching what they went through. I have read Dr. Harley's article and I am absolutely no expert -- he is and you are. I apologize if I offended you and anyone else. It's all very ugly. I hate reading that word and get very emotional when I see it. Again, I apologize for typing out of line.

Stepping away...

We're good GF

The fact that you are posting to a current OW and that does not trigger your pain is a great sign of your recovery and kudos to you for that. .
I am personally hoping to get there some day

My point was that the majority of the trying to recover BS's (perhaps even some WS) who would read this thread would be triggered and angered (myself included) and have no sympathy or empathy for any "PAIN" nor patience for the "victim" hat the original poster is attempting to wear.

Not everyone on here thinks being betrayed was worse than being raped, but many do.

Not everyone on here thinks being betrayed was worse than being molested, but many do. (Myself included.)

Not everyone on here thinks being betrayed was worse than losing a child, but many do. (Myself included - I know I'll see my child again, so there is sadness but no despair.)


I wasn't at all upset by what you said, Looking, and it didn't sound like anyone else was either. (JMO) Mel beat me to it, as usual, lol, with giving Dr. Harley's POV, based on his experience. So you didn't know that before, but hey nobody's perfect.

And now Dreamy has no excuse for minimizing what she did. She's not going to fully move forward until she faces the magnitude of her offense.

Also, may I point out that many of the FWS's on here were once someone's OP, and there are even a couple of just plain FOP's who are valuable members here, and I'm proud to call them friends.

Dreamy, it's too late to undo the destruction you've caused. What is your plan to go on from here?

Neak
who is also not triggered by this any more and can post to a foggy OW with a smile and a laugh -yay!

The triggers become less.

As far as dreamy geting sympathy - gee they have their own web site and everything where she can get all that and more! Why try to extract nails with her teeth here?

Why she wants it here is just plain odd. I'm betting self-esteem issues.

Dreamy1945

You were lied to and cheated on, promise's broken.
Just as he did to his wife and COM.

What did you expect from a man that would have an affair?

Wow! What a judgemental, arrogant bunch of people on here. I'm sorry I found my way to this board. You will not believe it but I was simply wanting to ask a question. I am not the OW anymore. Have asked forgiveness to the wife and also to God and I'm trying to do what is right. Anything else you guys can think of that I haven't done or need to do? Maybe I should be hung like in the old days.


Do you really think that you don't and haven't hurt others? Maybe not by having an affair but there are millions of ways of hurting someone...unless of course you think you are perfect.

Try God out to relieve your pain or triggers. If you were really the kind of person that is forgiving you would not take the approach you do.

I will go away now.

Is that your judgment? Well, glorybe!

Dreamy1945:

I am trying to offer you sound advice (no guilt trips) here...please read on.

Yes, every BS here (myself included) has made mistakes. We have all hurt our WS/xWS's before in various ways by failing to adequately meet emotional needs (ENs), love busters (LBs), etc. All BSs (again myself included) have undoubtedly lashed out at their WS in pain, anger, hurt, and frustration. I'm not condoning any of this -- it is wrong.

Infidelity/abandonement is the ULTIMATE love-buster. Dr. Harley (and many others) say it is more emotionally devastating than rape, physical assault, and even the death of a child (please watch the infidelity video on this site). This is because it takes place BY CHOICE, the perpetrator is someone trusted completely, and it is not a "momentary lapse" thing -- it takes place over weeks and months and is actively concealed and defended by the WS. In addition, the WS almost always scapegoats the BS to rationalize it (to themselves, their affair-partner, and family/friends). Trust me, IT HURTS MORE THAN YOU CAN FREAKIN' IMAGINE!

The answer? MUTUAL forgiveness, openness, confession, remorse, repentance, and honesty! It all starts with absolute NO CONTACT, NO EXCEPTIONS FOREVER with the lover. Go through the requisite withdrawal and don't complain about it--you did CHOOSE this! Honesty and confession builds trust and forgiveness and openness build emotional connection. Spending time together and loving actions build loving feelings.

JUST DO IT! Don't let your pride get in the way, please...

dream

"You were lied to and cheated on, promise's broken.
Just as he did to his wife and COM.
What did you expect from a man that would have an affair?"

What in the above was judgmental, arrogant?

Was my original question unfair?: What did you expect from a man that would have an affair?"

You confessed to your God, to the OMW. There is nothing else to do except to let time fade your pain. Then to never forget the lesson on affair's.

I don't hate you. Do not wish evil to befall you. You lived life. You learned the hard way, as the pre WWII generation would say. But I am not going to sympathize with you.
Why would or should anyone.

Your torn up. That is the pain of ONE.

The OMW and if there are two children, then they are torn up. That is the pain of THREE.

Where should the sympathy lie?

With the pain of ONE or the pain of Three?

Dreamy they answered your question but like others who engage in behaviors that to others view as hurtful you do not want to listen to the answer just like your relationship with the MM who went back to his spouse obviously that was his doing because it was the right thing to do.


Oh and about the promise he made to you he also stood up in church with family and friends and made that promise to his wife, and GOD, so why is his promise to you so much important to the promise and vows he made to his family and GOD!!!!


Ant the most used "your just judgmental" is getting old how about you just do not like what you are hearing from the posters who happen to believe in being faithful to your spouse until you take your last breath in this world.

Dreamy?

Are you here to marriage build?

If not, and being the OW, why are you here?

Thank You

All Blessings,
Jerry

I think it's understandable that we question the level of your repentance, when the first thing you ask when you arrive is basically "Do you think my partner in adultery still misses meeeeeee????"

If you have truly sought repentance from the OMW and from God, your focus needs to NOT be on OM's thoughts and feelings.