MyRev,

I agree.

I've seen it said that ultimatums are about controlling the other person:
If you do A, I will do B (in the hopes that this will wake you up).

Boundaries are about protecting yourself:
If you do A, I will do B (to protect myself from your insanity).

I thought that was pretty interesting.

It seems like maybe i need to go to plan B. I understand what plan A is. I am doing pretty good with meeting EN and avoiding LBs, but I dont really have much of a chance since she is not around much. I have been teetering around the stick part of plan A because i did not want to push her away until I had a chance to show some positives before going NC. Over and over I read to let them know what they will be missing before going dark. That is what I was thinking. seems like i should go to plan B for my sake.

To me going to plan B is setting a ultimatum (boundary, you say tomatoe i say tomatoe), and sticking to it. your right they only work if you stick to it.

I think what is missing here is the assumption that you are with WW during plan A a good amount of the time.

"The stick part of Plan A is to make sure you don't become a doormat and loose your b4lls while meeting ENs and avoiding LBs."

so if you are a doormat you must go to plan B?

seems like plan A and B are the same thing if she is not around much right now. I mean if there is NC then you can say you are meeting EN and Avoiding LBs all day long.

Why?

because WW is not taking action to stop contact with OM.
I am feeling like i am approaching the end of my rope.
People on this board are telling me to give up and get a good Lawyer.

I am not ready to give up and I have no stick leverage in Plan A. Essentially Plan B is building new boundaries that I can do all by myself. Stick boundaries in A require 2 people to work. Plan B I can control completely.

WW was just here for about an hour. Took a shower, we ate lunch together and she left for work. I did a terrible job at plan A while she was here. I just choke. I want to know more details about the A (which i did not ask). Everything said or spoken i just want some sort of sign there is hope, some sort of sign of anything positive. I try to make this a home she wants to be in, but how do i avoid talking about the monster in the closet, how do i have anything to talk about for the last x amount of time that she has been gone?

I want a magic pill.

[yes, i have a full time, well paying job. I work from home on Tuesdays]

Her answer to me is that I am not asking her to stop contact with OM. I am asking her to cut off all ties to all her new friends and with the places (bar) she likes to go to. I am not asking for that, but it is a biproduct of making that decision to cut ties with OM. I am not saying that it is not an excuse by her, i know it is a complete excuse. With that said I know her very well and IF she did want to cut contact with OM she would still have a problem cutting ties with these new "friends".

88life, can I ask why you have not exposed the affair? I don't understand what you are waiting for.

You are nowhere near being ready for Plan B, but you are missing the boat if you don't get moving here and expose this affair.

You feel like you need to go to plan B because:

This has NOTHING to do with Plan A or Plan B. You cannot control your WW. You can only control yourself. Place no expectations on her behavior at all.

This is a good reason to go to Plan B, but ONLY after you have exposed and done a good Plan A. I have not seen any evidence that you have done either.

Your perceptions are incorrect. People on this board (in this thread, at least) are telling you:

Expose (Queenie, Wannamoveforward, TheRoad, Wannamoveforward, catperson, turtlehead, piojitos, turtlehead, MelodyLane)
Plan A (Chrysalis, Queenie, Wannamoveforward, TheRoad, catperson, piojitos, turtlehead)
Talk to a lawyer (MyRev)

You need to re-read the stick of Plan A:

The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.This requires only you

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.This requires only you.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.While this is better if you're both present and you tell her face to face, you can also email her, write a letter, text her

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.This requires only you

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.This requires only you

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financial security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.This requires only you. She can agree to your boundaries or not.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.This requires only you. The first step is exposure, which you have not yet done.

Not done yet - it has been a few days, this needs to be done

check

check
check
check
no children, financial boundaries are fine, not ruining any bystanders in my opinion except maybe OM.
She has not agreed to stop seeing OM though
check

So as far as I can tell based upon all of those things, Exposure is the only thing that has not happened yet. I agree it should - i was told give a few days. we are now at a few days.

Why would I continue to do plan A if I have done all the things (lets assume here that exposure happens pretty quick). Why would i wait around in plan A instead of going to plan B?

Hi 88life, do you have the book Surviving an Affair? If not, I would suggest getting that so you can understand that dynamics of adultery.

But even more importantly, I would get this affair exposed soon. That is not something you would want to delay because it gives the affairees a chance to spin the truth. Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer, so the sooner you expose the better.

I would discuss a target list here of key exposures and let the others give you feedback. Good exposure targets will be her parents, employer if a workplace affair, friends, sibling, etc. The OM's parents would be an excellent target.

Plan A for a man should last up to six months. That gives him plenty of time to attract her back. Plan B is very risky because it increases the chances of divorce, so it is uber important to do the best Plan A you can for as long as you can.

The purpose of Plan B is to protect you from her abuse by removing you from her affair.

Book arrived today. I read the first chapter so far, but I am a bit overwhelmed at the moment, so i think i am going to take the rest of the night off and try to think about something else for a couple hours.

I don't know the OM's last name and I would seriously doubt his parents give a crap from what I do know about him. Nobody/reason to tell at work. barely have met any neighbors. My family would not really be pressure that would work it would be bad bad, just push her away. Her Family and her Friends (her real friends) are the 2 that I am looking at exposure to.

Her best friend as of late is in on it, and she is a cheater herself. Her new friends are all friends with OM, and although I am not 100% they know she is M i am pretty sure they know. This is the group she has been with when around OM.

I agree that plan B probably wont work. The lure of plan B at the moment is to slow down the bleeding. And some folks have already told me to give up anyways.

Remember, she is not really staying here anymore.

88life, additionally, you will want to contact the OM and explain to him that your wife is married and ask him what his intentions are. It helps for him to be able to put a name to a face.

The purpose of Plan B is not to manipulate a spouse into coming back, but to protect you. It can have the effect of yanking a WS off the fence though when she misses the needs you meet. That is why it is important to do the best job you can meeting her needs and avoiding lovebuster when you do.

When you expose to her parents, it is real important that you ASK FOR THEIR ADVICE. Tell them you want to save your marriage and ask for their support. Don't make the mistake of keeping this exposure SECRET. To my surprise, some husbands do this for reasons I cannot fathom, but I have found that it is sometimes necessary to point out that the purpose of exposure is to EXPOSE. Not to tell more secrets. So, hopefully they will have a come to Jesus with their DD.

Good job on getting that book and educating yourself!

Hi 88,

If you have time, read my forum for the ups and downs.

My husband had an EA but I still went with exposure the night he moved out. I was bombarded with angry outbursts and it still baffles him that I had it in me. He didn't realise how hard I would fight for our marriage. That was 6 weeks ago and he actually moved home over the weekend

I kept up the very best plan A that I could whilst he lived in the city and I believe that he came home as a result of the changes in me as I still managed to fill his love bank etc when I did see him or by staying out of the way and not talking about the other woman etc.

We have a really long way to go, but please trust the experienced MB's that are helping you. They are there for you to lend a hand and are sharing their time and experience with you.

Don't fight them - fight the A and win your wife back.

Advice for recovery please - my WH moved home

Thanks 2much!

Here is why i think i want to go to plan B.
I think she knew that i would cave. most people would go irate after finding out about an A. She knew that i was a pushover. She knew i loved her so much that i would probably forgive her. She knows that she can so do whatever the heck she wants and i will be right here waiting for her. I am in the passenger seat and i am doing exactly what she thinks i would.

You all keep saying that i have choices and that I am the one who is making decisions. The one decision i think I can make right now is to go to plan B and put her into the dark. This stuff will go on forever as long as she feels she has me wrapped around her finger.

Plan A is about meeting her ENs and eliminating LBs. It is to:

• show the wayward spouse that you are serious about recovering the marriage
• show the wayward spouse that you truly do realize there are things about your role in the marriage that need improving
• show the wayward that you are able to make those changes, permanently

If you just "be nice" or run around frantically for a couple of days, your WW will not be left with the impression that you are strong, able to change, able to meet her needs, or able to conduct yourself in a respectful manner toward her. In short, from her perspective, you found out about OM, were upset for a few days, and then went on with your life. In fact, you were so unfazed that you didn't even bother calling again. In retrospect, she was surprised at how little you cared, and she was smart to get out of the loveless marriage when she did.


THAT is why you do Plan A, and a darn good one, before going to Plan B. And you need to do Plan A for a significant amount of time, else your WW will think you're only putting on an act and trying to trick her into coming back.

And when you do the exposure DO NOT TELL HER that you're going to do it. She will be very angry and say all kinds of things. SO WHAT! Read through a lot of the threads here, you'll see they ALL say the same things. The thing is that your marriage can survive her anger, it CANNOT survive if she is actively in an affair.

Stop expecting ANYTHING from her. It ain't gonna happen.

If you don't listen, really listen, and act on what people are telling you here, you might as well go ahead and file for divorce because that's where you're headed.

Stop expecting ANYTHING from her right now.