Up until recently, I was living with my wife and 2 little kids, ages 2 and 5. My wife is beautiful, charming, has lots of friends and is very successful. Together, we made almost 200k last year. (I make about 65k, she doubles that)

About a year and a half ago (June 2007), while we were on a family vacation and she was in the hotel room sleeping with the kids, I was down at the bar and a very attractive blonde came on to me, knowing full well I was married. I didn't attempt to hide the fact. I ended up sleeping with her. It was the one and only time in our marriage that I had ever done something like that.

You see, my wife and I had been having problems for years. The newness of a relationship, the period where you can keep your hands off of each other, where you are gaga for each other wore off for her and it never did for me. I always was and still am absolutely crazy about her, absolutely attracted to her and absolutely love her to death. Years of not feeling loved enough, not feeling desired, not feeling wanted or needed took it's toll on me and pushed me over the edge. We would fight constantly about it, her maintaining that whatever love and affection I get from her is perfectly normal and I was the crazy one.

After that night, and feeling a rush of those feelings that I had been missing for so long, I was determined to get those feelings from my marriage. The fighting got worse. I was trying to force her to want and desire me more, which I'm sure everyone knows simply does not work. She left me in February 08, taking the kids. She did this while not having any idea about the affair. She came back a few weeks later. I hadn't left, which was what she wanted me to do. Gradually, we reconciled, me making promises to change, to night fight as much. We went to counseling and I went to a therapist by myself. Things between us got a little better. She was back to saying "I love you" at least. There was no change in what I viewed as the root of our problems, the lack of affection, desire, her lack of wanting to spend time alone with me. (After our first child was born 5 and a half years ago, we may have gone on 3 weekend trips together alone since then, but that's it)

Gradually, I reverted right back to fighting about the lack of affection. I then did something equally horrible to my wife. I started answering personal ads on craigs list for casual encounters. Since 99% of them are buush*t and just direct you to ads for sex sites, webcam sites and adult dating sites, I sent out quite a few of them, probably close to 300. Out of that number, I exchanged emails with a real person maybe 5 or 6 times. I never met with anyone from any of those personal ads. I don't know if I would have. Probably, I'm not sure though. The biggest rush, was sending my picture out and getting positive responses about how attractive I was and knowing that someone was attracted to me.

A little over a month ago, I was checking the email account I was using to answer the personal ads and accidently left it up on the computer. It was also the account that I corresponded with the woman from vacation with. So, needless to say, my wife saw everything. She forwarded all my emails to her account so she would have proof of my adultery and repeated attempted adultery. She had a pretty good description of my night with the woman and 300 additional attempts to cheat on her.

This has pretty much proven to be unforgivable to my wife. I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I made promises all to no avail. When you put my infidelity together with my attempted infidelity and factor in the fact that we've been fighting for years, I can imagine that it was a pretty easy decision for her to make. I was informed that if I didn't get out the house by a certain date, she was leaving and taking the children and finding another place to live. I did not want to disrupt the kids lives any more than I already did, so I moved out. I found a duplex for rent about a mile away. The rent is pretty much what my mortgage used to be.

I've had a very difficult time with this. In the beginning, I couldn't stop throwing up and couldn't stop my heart from racing. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat. I went to another therapist, this time to a MD, a psychiatrist. In about 10 minutes or so he made a diagnosis that seemed so obvious to him and should have been obvious to me I guess, since I've been living with it forever. I've got a pretty severe case of Adult ADHD. He ran down a bunch of questions like "Have you ever felt like this" "Do you ever do this" "what do you think about when this happens" It was like he knew me and knew what I had been going through my entire life. I completely broke down. He explained about my problems with impulse control, financial irresponsibility, lack of adequate planning, and many many other things. He said that he knows how much I love my wife and what she means to me and pointed at that she didn't understand how much I loved her and how much she meant to me, because my brain simply does not work like hers. I made her my entire world because I am so guarded about my emotions and could not trust anyone else with them.

I've been on medication now for about a month. It does help. I can see that even though my wife may not have been affectionate with me as much as I wanted, she did love me very much. I needed tangible proof, touching, words, constantly re-iterated to feel loved. I now see the more subtle, constant and undeniable love that she gave me. But, I can also see a lot more clearly exactly how bad I hurt her and how much I have lost.

Our children are beautiful, healthy, fun loving and kind hearted. Losing them has almost been unbearable. I never, NEVER wanted to live in a different house from my children. I grew up a product of divorce and didn't want our children to grow up the same way.

I know for a fact that my wife has been reaching out to guys that she knew before me. I suspect she's probably hooking up or at least has hooked up, but I don't know for sure. She is all business when we talk. She doesn't miss me, points out how peaceful everything is now that I'm gone, and has told me several times that our marriage is over and not to hope for anything. There are no lawyers involved yet, to my knowledge. She has indicated that if she has the option to fast track the divorce, she will do it. (I live in a state where a year separation is mandatory before divorce, except in cases of proven adultery, which I think the emails will prove).

Before any of this happened, going back years, my wife always insisted that something was wrong with me and wanted me to get help. I wish I had at that time. It hurts knowing she was always right and I had a chance to save my marriage before any of this. I'm certain that I would not have cheated on her had I been on medication. I'm certain I wouldn't have tried to answer personal ads. And while it's not magical medicine, I'm positive our fights would have been fewer, further between and way less intense.


So, here I am in complete and total agony over the family I destroyed, filled with remorse, guilt, shame and embarassment. I would give anything for another chance. There are so many things I would do differently, so many things I would take back, but it appears that everything is over. This is the hardest, most painful thing I have ever gone through. I have no one to blame but myself, but it's not like that makes it any easier.

I don't think I have a prayer of reconciliation, after everything I have done, plus now the clinical diagnosis. I want my family back more than anything. I holding on to hope when it's been made clear I shouldn't. I can't give up hope. It's all that I have left.


If anyone has any advice, I would appreciate it.

You have lots to catch up.

Start reading the article on this site, especially " Why a woman leaves a man".

Consistency will play a huge part here... but no guarantees.

Rob, I am going to tell you how you sound to a unfogged out person. You sound like someone who is sorry he got caught but takes no responsibility for his wrongdoing and doesn't give a whit about the harm he inflicted on his victims. You have blamed your serial cheating on your ADHD and on her lack of affection. That does not reflect someone who has real remorse, but someone who is only sorry he has to pay the consequences for his actions.

Portraying yourself as the victim, while ignoring your true victims, is very telling. Adultery is as painful as the death of a child or as traumatic as rape. Yet you only focus on yourself and not your victims. You cavalierly exposed your own wife to STDs yet you portray yourself as the victim here.

Someone who takes no accountability for his actions is a bad risk for a spouse. If your ADHD made you do it in the past, it will surely make you do it in the future. That is not a risk most sane people would take. I sure wouldn't.

Your adultery was dangerous to your wife emotionally and physically. You exposed her to STDs, which can be life threatening.


A husband who picks up wh*res in a bar while his family is upstairs sleeping on their family vacation would be an automatic deal breaker for me. The cruelty, selfishness and utter thoughtlessness of that act would signal to any sane person that you are dangerous. That is downright evil.

I hope that your wife runs for her life because that is exactly what I would do.

Sorry to be so harsh, but you really need to know how others view your thoughts in order to get an insight into what your wife is thinking.

Please note that this is all about you and YOUR PAIN, YOUR FEELINGS and what YOU WANT. If I can see it so clearly, I bet she does too. That coupled with your blaming CHOSEN BEHAVIORS on a "clinical diagnosis" would not be compelling to me.

Well, thanks for the kind words Melody.


I have no idea why you think I'm only sorry that I got caught. I didn't once say anything about how stupid it was to leave the email account up. I haven't dwelt much on the fact that I got caught, just the fact that I did it in the first place. I am SO sorry for what I did to my family and I tried to make that clear.

I am so remorseful for what I have done. Since I've been on medication, I can see a lot more clearly everything that I did to ruin my relationship. No one could possibly punish me more than I am punishing myself. I am sorry if what I did disgusted you. You probably have the same mindset that my wife has.

I am ashamed of myself and what I did. I never once tried to blame what I did on anything. I was just trying to give as much background as possible to receive as much constructive advice as possible, but I guess what I did was so horrible that I don't even deserve that.

Make no mistake,however. I know what I did. I know how wrong it was. And I would give anything to take it back, not because I'm unhappy because I got caught, but because no one deserves their loved one betraying them so cruelly.

Yes, Melody, I am in pain. It is agony. Yes, Melody, I want my family back.

I'm sorry if you feel that me sharing that with this forum somehow proves the fact that I am insensitive to the pain I caused. You're wrong. I know all too well how I hurt her, how I ruined my family.

I see now that it was a mistake to come here seeking advice. I guess I'm just a piece of garbage with no business even breathing the air on your planet.


Thanks for your help.

The self pity is not impressive either. If you aren't blameshifting your behavior, then why bring up your ADHD and the lack of affection from your wife? You expected her to give you a pass because you have ADHD, and if that is not blameshifting, I don't know what is. These were conscious BAD CHOICES that you made to destroy your family, while fully aware.

I am just trying to show you how this might look to outsiders and it is not impressive at all. I know what true remorse looks like and this is not it.

My constructive advice would be to get yourself into some intensive counseling and understand that it is probably not in your wife's best interest to be married to you. You have done some horrible things to her, and she is probably wise to make herself unavailable for further abuse.

Rob, this is just more self pity, which is very inappropriate. You are not the victim. It was only a mistake to come here if your goal was to get validation for your self pity and blame shifting. But that will not be helpful.

If you will keep an open mind, you will stay and try to listen to how you come across to others. Because I bet that is how your wife sees this too, which makes her rightfully AVERSE.

Do you engage in self pity with her as you do in this post? If you do, that is a SIGNAL that you are not remorseful. True remorse means a focus on the VICTIM'S pain, not in YOUR PAIN for having to face the consequences.

Yes, you might feel pain, but your pain is SELF WROUGHT, friend. You got to this place as a result of your actions. Your wife did not ask for this.

So, lets keep this in perspective and remember WHO the real victim is.

.... have you stopped?

Compulsions are difficult to stop cold turkey.

29.

29 "I's" and "me's" and not one word of TRUE acknowledgement of HER pain.

Maybe he should read my early thread here, then he may see people ARE actually trying to help, I did not see that at the beginning either.

You have been pounding nails in your marriage for a long time -



After you stop pounding nails - the wounds/scars are still there.

Nice story, Pep. I think I'll print it out to read to those PTSD grandkids of mine. I like it.

It's on my notable posts thread
link

unfortunately, I can't remember who brought it to the forum first :crosseyedcrazy:

Rob,

As a BS (betrayed spouse) whose heart. soul and sanity were demolished when I discovered my FWH's (formerly wayward husband) affair, I have never been able to completely understand the pain he said he felt as he was tearing me and our marriage apart. It was HIS choice! Didn't HAVE to do it. Guess he thought, too, that he'd never get caught...

It seems everybody claims the victim role. Why would that be? Because nobody wants to be responsible.

BSs certainly contribute, usually unwittingly, to the state of the marriage, but who actually tore tore it asunder by breaking a solemn vow to "love, honor and cherish, forsaking all others"?

The BSs that populate this board have each done time in our own personal prisons of agony, trying to understand what we could have done that was so horrible it deserved the searing pain of our mate's infidelity as punishment. Then we've gone searching for ways that WE might have contributed to the downfall of the marriage. In no way are ANY of us responsible for our spouses' affairs, since none of us got any say in the treachery they dealt us, although we always seemed to get the blame when our cheaters got caught. "She wasn't affectionate enough." "He belittled me all the time." Offenses? Yes. Punishable by personal and marial annihilation? Absolutely NOT. Punishment didn't fit the crime at all. But that's what we got.

You say you are remorseful, but I assure you, you haven't BEGUN to understand what you've done to your beautiful, loving, faithful wife. Remorse is what you feel for what YOU'VE done to HER, NOT the pain you're feeling over the consequences. Sounds like sincere regret, but not remorse.

Have you even thought about WHAT you might do to try to make this up to her? Make no mistake, if she should give you another chance, it WON'T be because you're sobbing about how much YOU hurt. It won't be because you've been diagnosed with ADHD--she wanted you to get help a long time ago, but you weren't interested in that then, because there was nothing wrong with YOU then, right? You saw HER as the only problem. You were blameless. Then. Whaddya think now?

Your wife is understandably afraid of you. You have proven yourself highly dangerous to her mental and emotional wellbeing. How to get un-dangerous? Keep seeing your therapist, and get reading on this site. Start with Plan A. Read His Needs Her Needs and Surviving An Affair. You really need to understand what YOU need to do in order to have a hope she will ever want to talk to you again, much less live with you.

Your situation does sound dire, and maybe there's too much water under the bridge, but if you are serious about turning yourself into the man your wife would want as a husband, you've got your work cut out for you.

And lay off the "poor me" stuff. That's for little kids. You're trying to become a man who can be proud of himself, and an attractive alternative to divorce to a wife who currently thinks she and her children are better off without you.

Stay here with us. We're really trying to show you the way.

Remorse is what you feel for what YOU'VE done to HER, NOT the pain you're feeling over the consequences. Sounds like sincere regret, but not remorse.

Pure gold.
While I don't doubt Rob's pain, it's pain about what HE has lost.

Rob, what do you think about what your wife has been through?
What do you think that might look and feel like?

If what RR says is true, I'd bet a paycheck that his W cheated long before he did.

Not that it makes what RR did any less severe, but she's going to play of role of the Betrayed Wife, and force him into the role of That Cheating Ba$[censored].

Maybe dual polygraph tests are in order.

Turtlehead,

We can hope that Rob will move along in the de-fogging process and will come to see the difference between his (self-inflicted) pain and hers. And act accordingly. Might be a while before he can get over himself though.

If he sticks around, I think he could get there. My FWH did, and it was nothing short of miraculous.

I believe in miracles. Just hope his BW does...

RHW

"Force" him into the role of "That Cheating Ba$[censored]?" Methinks he went willingly enough.

Whether she cheated before him or not has no bearing on what HE has to do if he wants to salvage the M. He needs to get past the me, me, ME! of it all and work his a$$ off to show her he can be the man she thought she married.

If she's cheated too, earlier or an RA, she'll have her work to do as well--IF she chooses to reconcile--but he's in no position to demand anything from her at the moment. He's got enough self-introspection to do to keep him busy for quite a while.

I'd take that bet......... :RollieEyes:

RR is spewing no more than the typical wayward babble.