Yet you have to hide this aspect of your personality to get your fiance to marry you. You have to trick him. Are you worried he would not want to marry you if he knew the truth?

But the doctor is wrong if he advocates deceit about your relationship with men. This information is very pertinent to the choice to select you as a wife because is a reflection on your judgement. And frankly, any doctor who advocates dishonesty is a fool who does not understand the dynamics of marriage. No good marriage is based on dishonesty. That is silly to believe otherwise.

It is actually considered FRAUD to marry someone by concealing key facts from their partner in order to trick them into marriage. It can even be the grounds for an annulment:


The main ingredient in any successful marriage is honesty and a clear understanding of WHO they are marrying.

I think you and I both know your fiance would wisely dump you if he knew you had such bad judgement with other men.

Looking4,

Wow. Just wow.

If she doesn't get it by hearing what you've said, she is beyond hope.

Thank you for speaking to her from your personal experience. She has no idea what she's up against, and none of us was quite able to nail it like you have.

Hi, LaFire. I look forward to your thoughts. Again, I am the last person who will ever judge you and what you choose to do. Just remember that decisions we make often affect others. Hopefully those decisions affect others favorably.


I agree that partners may not need to know everything we've ever done in our past, like eating paste in kindergarten or crushing after Donny Osmond as a little girl. (Did I just date myself? ;-). My point being though, that this man is not in your past. He's very much in your present. If he was a boyfriend you had when you were 18 and was a part of your journey that lead to your fiance, then perhaps you don't bring it up on the first date. Yet if you ran into him while at the mall, I believe you do owe it to your fiance to be honest as to how you know him. But that's another situation. What you have right now is a person with whom you work, who has made it be known to you that he wants to be sexual with you, who has told you he doesn't like your fiance (the man you will spend the rest of your life with), and who doesn't respect the relationship he is currently in with his promised wife where he vowed to honor and foresake. My question at the end of the day is, do you want this "friend" to be in your life? He doesn't respect his own committed relationship and knowing how he feels about you and your fiance, can you expect him to respect your committed relationship? That's all I'm asking you to seriously look at.

The situation I gave in point #1... If your fiance would find nothing wrong with the flirtatious conversation and he was 100% comfortable with the tone and words in the correspondence, than that particular check point I offered you can answer no.


I'm not jumping anywhere, LaFire. I'm sitting across the table from you, enjoying a cup of coffee and cheesecake with you. Just talking objectively about what I'm seeing. Again, we all make decisions and live with them, good or bad. It's not my call to ever say who's right in their own life. Just be careful, for the sake of your relationship with your future hubby. Again the advice here is because we do care -- about marriage and about people being happy. That includes you.

I hope you enjoyed your lunch with Darling. Take care.

I would really like to read your opinion - especially since you have taken the time to write such a long one. But I simply can't do that when you insist on misquoting me.

I just stop at the first misquote and have to assume that the rest of what you say doesnt apply to me because you havent understood what I asserted.

It's not my belief that a person has "no right" to "know" about the person they are marrying. It's my belief that a person does not have a right to know EVERYTHING about the person they are marrying. No right to know the content of every conversation, every thought etc.

It's simply not practical to disagree with that - but if you do I can only respect that that is your opinion.

Well then, again, I'll have to point out to you that your belief that I am "naive about his intentions" is misguided. I know he is pursuing me because he wants to sleep with me. I have asserted that more than once in my posts and have not asserted anything to the contrary. You want to make assertions about me (e.g. that I am naive) that are baseless because somehow it makes you feel better to be able to believe that. I'd really question why that is if I were you.

As for "cheap" fun - I'm sorry I dont understand what you mean. When you have "fun" with a man - do you charge him tens of thousands of dollars? Does that make you NOT cheap? I would really think twice if I were you about referring to any woman as "cheap".. THAT is what is insulting - that you think it's possible for a woman to BE "cheap" or be thought of as "cheap". It also does not make any sense as a concept.

He's pursuing me because he is physically attracted to me. That IS flattering. If he were pursuing me for sex because he RESPECTED me that would ALSO be flattering - but they are two different reasons for pursuit - both of which are individually flattering.

I imagine he's not pursuing a 35 year old "hottie" because women in their 20s still have the advantage of beautifully soft and smooth skin. But to be fair to him I think he pursues women of all ages.

LaFire, this is not about a "conversation" or a "thought," though, it is about your character and poor judgement in your immoral relationship with a married man. That is information that any person who is considering you for marriage is entitled to.


Its not logical to disagree with Mark's assertion, though. Its not logical to assert that your future H doesn't have a need and a right to know something about you which might make you a bad marriage choice.

He has every right to have all the facts necessary to judge your suitability for marriage. He might decide you are not suitable knowing the whole truth and that is his right and prerogative.

Lafire, many men might consider this information about you to be a knock out factor. But how can you know that your fiance would still want to marry you if he doesn't know the truth? What if this is a deal breaker for him?

Mark,

Yes it's pretty basic psychology to know that a person only behaves in a particular way because there is some sort of pay off for them to do so.

Ive already states what my payoff is - the flattery. I enjoy the flattery.

All of this I'm aware of but thanks for putting it in such an eloquent way.

Unfortunately your solution "send him a registered mail letter asking to cease contact" is not an appropriate way to deal with a human being with whom you have a friendship.

If you think it is then we exist on very different wave lengths and we probably won't make sense to each other any time soon.

Um - in what world is the exact words of any conversation an "aspect of your personality"? He knows every aspect of my personality - what he doesnt know is every word Ive ever spoken to another human being.

He knows Im a very friendly, happy person and he knows Im friends with this man, he knows this man chases me and he knows I continue to take his calls. He trusts me to never cross the line.

You have some bizare need to feel very negatively towards me.

I just wonder what this little hottie with the smooth skin will do will do to fulfill her need for "flattery" once she's (gasp!) 40... Have you thought about that, LaFire?

Maybe, just maybe, your long-suffering husband will by then have come up with a few little secrets of his own. Hope you'll be flattered.

Then he is an idiot and has bad taste in women.

Well this would depend on our personal definitions and understanding of the following concepts:

> Deceit
> Successful marriage
> Dishonesty
> Fraud (which as a legal term means very different things in different jurisdictions)

As for what "you and I" would know - actually I happen to believe that my fiance would forgive me for sleeping with about ten different men if that ever happened. That's just the way he feels about me and has felt about me ever since he met me.

The reason I don't tell him is not because I'm worried he won't marry me - it's because I don't want to tell him something that might hurt him or make him feel insecure or threatened because his happiness and peace of mind is very important to me.

You havent experienced a successful marriage and neither have I yet. What I have seen is many successful marriages - and they all involve many elements that professionals would advise against and yet the couples in them chose to stick together, compromise, adapt and change over time, accept the flaws and weaknesses in each other no matter what they are.

So no offence but you don't have owning rights on the meaning of "successful marriage" nor would you nor anyone else have the perfect formula for achieving one.

Please stop sending out so much bitterness.

I am trying to figure out if you're a troll, or just a vain cheap woman with a low IQ.

she's got to be a troll..no way someone is this stupid.

"...actually I happen to believe that my fiance would forgive me for sleeping with about ten different men if that ever happened. That's just the way he feels about me and has felt about me ever since he met me."



It is exactly because of this strong sense of entitlement that I predict your marriage will be full of affairs. If that will mean a happy marriage for you and your hubby, I applaud you.

I really hope she IS a troll having some fun. If she's for real, her selfish attitude portends a life of misery for her husbands.

If I cut him off entirely it would make very little difference to my life. I answer his calls in the same way that I might reach for some candy occasionally - just cause its there and it tastes good for a short time. But it's no more a "need" than that. It's easy and enjoyable - thats why I do it. No he is not really necessary - I appreciate your point here. A complete cut off could be professionally uncomfortable at times but nothing too bad.



People on here may say its an EA but it very clearly isnt. What I'm doing is in effect to say to a man who wants me "go ahead, keep trying because it's flattering that you want me - but DONT think I'm ever going to give in and give you what you want because I won't"

That is not an EA to me and never will be. If I were to "lose" my fiance over this (which is NOT cheating) I'd be very unhappy for a while but in the back of my mind I'd know that if I LOST him over THIS - we wouldnt have had the strength to make 50-60years together. That said I know I wouldnt lose him over this.
And I have zero doubts about that. I am this man's world and that is for a variety of reasons.
No - I agree with you. this is the first sensible thing that anyone on here has said.


He has offered me several lucrative work opportunities already which I have turned down repeatedly because it would involve spending time with him, sometimes interstate.


Oh my fiance knows we are friends. The last conversation I had with my fiance about this I told him about the latest come on - told him it was partially my fault because I accepted the phone calls and told him that if he wanted I would stop accepting the phone calls. he said that it was up to me and he was going to leave it to my judgment because he did trust me. I told him that no, he had every right to ask me NOT to talk to the man if thats what he wanted and to please say so because in the reverse position id ask him not to.

And so he said ok that would be good.

So thats where it is.

I'm just worried about two things:
1) WILL i be able to not pick up that phone when push comes to shove?
2) How will I explain this to my friend who I really DONT want to insult (for professional as well as personal friendship reasons).


Worry 1) is more pressing than worry 2).

You are just being used, dear, there is nothing flattering about that. He hides you like a dirty secret and would deny your existance if need be. I wouldn't be proud of that.

I called my 26 year old, single, bachelor son and asked his opinion. Here is what he said:


His take was that you couldn't break off the relationship because of a lack of self confidence and need for approval.

You stated that your fiance "trusts" you. I would assert that he shouldn't trust you if you have such poor boundaries coupled with weakness. It really is very weak to stay in an inappropriate relationship only because you don't want to be "rude." That reflects an obsessive desire for APPROVAL that transcends good judgment and common sense. Certainly not a sign of maturity.

Me thinks we are being trolled by a silly girl.