I see your point. It comes to my mind to wonder. Does your husband have a form of autism? I read an article that there is a higher percentage of children with autism in places like the Silicon Valley where both parents are engineer types. Look at Bill Gates and how successful he is but he has a form of autism. I spoke with a fellow who grew up with an engineer type who had autism and he indicated that the guy was brilliant at what he did, but his social skills were abysmal. He may very well not be able to relate in an emotional way, as the brain may not be wired for it. Just a thought. There is my fix it mentality coming out - gotta find a solution. OK next problem?

What area of the country are you in getting that much snow? I am in BC and they are predicting some today but only an inch or two. Please do not send any this way.

Yes, my H shows some definite signs of Asperger's syndrome. It gets quite frustrating, as my No. 1 EN by FAR is Conversation. I used to think he was just shy, and that the reason he liked me was because he felt safe around me. But later I started thinking that he isn't so much shy as he is simply content to be all by himself.

We've made progress, in that he'll now tell me things like getting an oil change, and even ask for my input on things like buying an ATV.

We're sorta south of Manitoba, I think. So our snow prolly won't reach you. But hey, don't you like skiing in BC??? H loves Vancouver, he went to UBC.

Did you all discuss these difficulties in MC?

Jayne, our MC told us, when we feel uncomfortable, angry, agitated, to trace back when we felt like that before, and share it with our spouse.

I'm trying to think of how to translate that into MB. I think the closest is the article, "Ouch? Oh, no, I didn't mean to..." Did you feel and say something like, "Ouch" or "I'm not enthusiastic about this" at the time?

I am glad that you came back today, jayne, I had a fear that you would be busy and would not respond. Or that our conversation would come across as, "Just try this, and it'll be fine!" That's not what I ever mean. What I mean is that these are all growth opportunities, how we discover our boundaries and our values and what we want in our marriage.

I don't know if she specifically mentioned Asperger's, but she did spend considerable effort trying to convince my H that my asking for 5 minutes of talking was not an unreasonable request.

I'm pretty sure he had been just chalking my complaints up to the normal difference between Hs and Ws, and that I was being unreasonable even for a W. It doesn't help that it's a cliche for a W to complain that the H never talks to her. He seemed genuinely surprised that she would tell him my request for 5 minutes of conversation was well within reason.

By 5 minutes, I mean 5 minutes a WEEK.

She told him that in her opinion my need for conversation was within normal limits for a woman, and that his aversion to communication was on the low side even for a man.

Jayne, did he say that it was unreasonable for you to want that, like a DJ? Or did he say that he wasn't enthusiastic about providing that, like not willing to POJA? Has he been willing to brainstorm this with you?

Is that sustainable to you, that he refuses to brainstorm with you how to meet your top EN in a way that he is enthusiastic about?

Why is the dog-or-no-dog a hill to die on, and not this?

Why isn't he happy about a dog? Isn't it in his best interests to encourage your efforts to see to it you have a beloved companion, since he refuses to take on that role?

Jayne, I appreciate you reasoning through this with me. I am having a tough time and acceptance today in my own situation, and it is easier to see things in your posts. Not as much denial. Still pretty painful.

I know, thanks ears for sticking with me.

We're stuck in the house for at least a day. I've got some stuff I need to write and send in an email asap, but other than that I'm just keeping the kids from killing each other too much, etc.

I went outside to help shovel the drive (I was way off on the length - we've gone at least 10 meters, so it may be 200 meters long. I'm real bad with distances and scales) and H came inside. I said the kids were saying they were hungry and I was about to fix them soup but if he was going inside maybe he could do that. So instead of only shoveling 10 minutes I shoveled awhile. When I came inside, H had put a plate of cheese and crackers and sliced meat on the table for the kids, and he was at the kitchen counter eating cheese and crackers and meat and drinking a beer. The kids were fighting cus they were still hungry. I made soup for them, and asked if they would be ok while I took a shower. Before I could get done, they were fighting again, cus H had given the last of the eggnog to 6b, assuming there was another carton (there wasn't).

I told the kids to help shovel the drive but H won't let them shovel where he's working. He has no concept of giving them something constructive to do instead of having them just run around unsupervised until they get into trouble and then yelling at them.

I think I'll go out there and suggest to him that he interact with them and make the shoveling fun. After all, he isn't gonna get finished before dark anyway. By the time he gets to the end he'll have another 6" at the beginning.

I think this prairie son just figured he'd be able to drive on top of the snow without shoveling. You'd need an on-ramp though to get on top of this snow, even assuming you could drive on top of it without sinking in. The realtor had said you better shovel it several times and not just wait until morning or until it's done. But he's Canadian and so of course he can drive in the snow without shoveling...

For instance the whole time his wife and kids were stuck in a blizzard, he was inside on the computer. He coulda been shoveling the drive when he knew the guy was on his way to bring us home.

I had an idea but I keep getting interrupted by the kids. I gotta do some stuff here but I wanted to ask you to give me a suggestion of what you think I should ask him. I could work out what to say and send it in an email, which is his preferred mode anyway.

I don't know. What choice do I have, other than to leave him?


Gee, I don't know! When you put it like that, it sounds pretty silly. I have no idea. I may have to change my priorities.


Actually, that's a great idea! "If you won't let me have a dog then you have to be the one to talk to me."


Happy to oblige. But what's going on with you? You ok?

(Yes, like you'd rather talk about my probs, I'd rather talk about yours! LOL)

Have you tried that Rule Of 20? It's really good for this kind of stuff. How's this for a start?

1. Call the Harleys
2. Try Stella's Sunday meeting idea
3. Like in The Dance of Anger, call up both sets of families for ideas and help
4. Ask friends and family to pray about this situation
5. Get into IC for support
6. Talk to God about the situation and ask for His guidance

Jayne, I think I know what it is, but I don't want to get it wrong. I think this one is REALLY important for you to identify.

Hmm, ok now you've piqued my curiosity. I really don't know what you could be talking about but I'll try to figure it out.

Jayne, here's my guess, but please don't look at it before you've really thought through it and come up with your truth.

Aw man, you're testing my self-restraint!

Ok, I have to finish some work first cus this guy needs it before he leaves for a trip. I won't look at what you wrote until I've had some time to think about it.

Thanks, jayne, it is just a guess, anyway. Your truth is what sets you free

Man oh man, this is when I get really peeved that we lost the search function. Years ago I had such a great thread on the time that my wife and I were walking in front of the pet shop on the way to the movies and I said "look at that cute puppy, if you would let me get a puppy then I could let the puppy meet my need for Affection and you wouldn't have to be bothered with me turning to you for petting." Bad bad Hold! Never compare your wife to a dog! Especially if you imply that you would prefer the dog! And yes, I lived in the "dog house" for a looooong time after that one.

Then again, she should have known that I was only joking because our daughter is allergic so we can't have a dog in any case.

But without the search feature, that gem is lost in the mists of time.

Whatever happened to brainstorming with abandon LOL

If I had to choose between him being loving and talking to me as much as I wanted but me not ever having a dog, or me having a dog but a miserable marriage, I would choose having a great marriage with no dog. But I guess the thing is I have no control over whether or not he talks to me. I am not able to make him talk to me. But I am able to get a dog. It *is* within the realm of possibility.

The thing about him refusing to brainstorm... I have a hard time getting upset over that, when it's so outside the realm of possibility. He won't even hardly *talk*, let alone talk about something so non-concrete as ENs, how to meet them, our relationship, etc.

Trying to think of an analogy...

Maybe it's like getting upset that your H won't run a marathon with you, when he's in a wheelchair and can't even walk around the block with you.

"short term goal of temporary peace through sacrifice"...

Hmm that is pretty close to what I said, isn't it. I guess it's another way of looking at "That ain't gonna happen so I'm not gonna make that a non-negotiable requirement."

So what is it you think I should request, and how?

Right now I'm going outside to help him shovel some more driveway. I'll ask him how long it is, too. LOL

I thought you did well requesting that Step 2. I thought calling the Harleys is an awesome idea, because it's such a long road. They can help you guys map out a plan.

Well I kept hoping to phone the Harleys today. Since we were snowed in I thought I'd have plenty of time to use the phone, my only connection to the outside world. Well, except for you guys! But between occasion shoveling attempts, doing laundry, refereeing and redirecting the kids, and trying to edit a proposal for a guy (I get proposals from guys *all the time* *wink* LOL) I never got around to it.

Good news: We're within maybe... aw heck, we're about 3/4 of the way to the road. H says the driveway is 150 feet long, which makes my 50-yard-line estimate correct. When I visualize a person's height of 5-6 feet though, ... well maybe it would take 30 ppl laying down to cover the driveway. You'd think I'd be better at such things. I do know that 2.54 cm = 1 inch, exactly. Does that count for anything?

H is exhausted. When he came in from shoveling, he just sat on our new couch with his feet up (he never does that; he'd usually sit in a chair with his feet on the ground; I'm the one that always puts my feet up) while I talked and got dinner ready and did stuff with the kids. He just sat there, no computer or anything, looking like he was coming down with something. I asked him a couple times if he felt ok and if I could get him anything. Then he went straight to bed after dinner. I hope he isn't getting sick. The kids and I got free flu shots at my work but they hadn't come to his work yet. I hope he's ok. He's gained quite some weight since the kids were born (as have I) and to me his fingers look quite chubby. I've heard of "clubbing" which I've heard indicates heart disease. Anyone know anything about that?

Anyway,

Ok so you think I should try this? Can ppl help me come up with the least relationship-talky way to say this, so a possible-slightly-Asberger guy might respond?

I'm smack-dab in the midst of the blizzard that is on the CNN webpage.


Ok, I'm now *really* thankful that guy got us on up to our house, and that we still have power. I coulda been stuck in a hotel room down in town with the kids and prolly no open restaurants, and with H up on the mtn. We're out of a few things like bread but we have plenty of other things to eat. Not as much as we'd have if we'd moved in completely, but fortunately H had restocked the kitchen in spite of my pleas to wait until I'd put shelf paper (plastic) down.

Ooooh, and we got our tv hooked up just a few days ago, and our living room furniture just two days ago! So we can watch tv and not sit on the plywood floors!

Did I tell y'all that we still don't have carpet, it's arrived in the store but the guy won't pay for it, he's hired a lawyer to get out of paying for it? So we had to hire a lawyer, who thinks we have a good shot even though there isn't a signed agreement for him to pay for the carpet. There's an agreement that he'll get rid of the pet odor, and two carpet guys attest that the carpet was not salvageable, and his realtor and our realtor and one carpet guy witnessed the verbal agreement to replace the carpet, and the carpet order is in his name, and he's the one who ripped out the old carpet, with some guys who work for him.

I've only stepped on a carpet nail 3 times. And so far none of us have drawn blood as far as I know.

Maybe I shouldn't get a dog. I can't handle the household I've got now. I don't wanna end up like lil's OW, sleeping with possums!

Did I mention how grateful I am to have power and living room furniture? We'd have bedroom furniture too, except it's still in the garage waiting for carpet first.

I wish we had bread, and eggnog, and more paper for the printer...

Oh wait, I've got the sourdough starter that I dried into powder form for the move! What kinda pioneer woman am I, to whine about running out of storebought bread!!! I got flour, I got water, I got an oven and/or a fireplace, what more do I need????? Sheesh!

Pancakes in the morning, everyone! I gotta go get the starter growing! Bread in a couple days!