Brae,

I'll be cheering you on. Sorry you are going through this again. Just remember to stay dark.

{{{{{{braeworth}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

It is hard at first, but it will get easier, friend. You will soon feel better than you have in months.

Do you have a plan in place to stop her from getting through? She will test your resolve pretty quickly, up to barging in the house. Are your locks changed to prevent this?

Thanks CL,
I will stay dark I know it is going to hurt

Hi Mel,
Yes the locks are changed. Thanks for your support

braeworth, I would not leave the house when she picks up your DD, I would send your DD out to the car and not allow your W in the house. You don't want her coming in the house to get a "fix."

Thanks Mel. Can you clarify what you mean, make her wait on the drive even if I am not in?

braeworth, yes. Tell your DD that your W is not to come in the house, that she should meet her in the drive way.

Another trick is the WS will call the child and ask the her to hand the phone to you. Tell your DD beforehand not to hand you the phone if this happens. If it does happen, ask the child "is this an emergency?" If she says yes, ask "what is the emergency?" That usually will stop the WS from pulling that stunt.

Do you have caller ID so you can not answer the phone when she calls?

Thanks Mel,
I do have caller id so will not answer.
WW not coming in the house may be difficult for a couple of weeks, I have a few days where I have to leave for work fairly early and WW will have to get DD to school. Like a lot of teenagers DD is not the best at getting herself ready, I can wake her and make sure she is up but it may need WW to push her along. I can make alternative arrangements for this but it may take a couple of weeks

braeworth, i would do everything in your power to make sure she doesn't come in the house. It is in your best interest to ensure she doesn't still enjoy the comforts of your home once she has left it. Maybe a discussion with your DD is in order so she understands that her mother is not coming in and why? This needs to be handled, braeworth. You don't want to leave holes like this.

As it may be the last time I ever speak to her, I thought I would ecord what she said for posterity.
I am not saying I believe all of this just recording what she said.

She said that she really is in love with me and does have the passionate feelings back for me that she lost during A. The OM is just a very good friend and there is no romantic relationship going on. She does not have those kind of feelings for OM that she had during A. She said that she feels trapped in our Marriage, that she is happy and feels like she would shrivel up on the couch if she came back. She said that she felt like she wanted to spread her wings.

I just told her that all this was fixable but only if she ended contact with OM, once and for all and came home. Until then I could not have any contact with her.She left in tears, I managed to hold back my emotion until she had gone.
I know a lot of this is fog speak but I am worried that she is suffering from depression or having a breakdown. I have asked her before to speak to someone but she refuses, says she is fine.
Anyway we will see what the coming weeks and months bring

Ok Mel,
I will put some things in place to make sure it does not happen. It would have been for 30 mins a couple of mornings a week and she would not have had a key but I will take your advice.

You handed her the letter, right? I really liked your letter, btw. You did a great job!

And you know that she is lying about her feelings towards the OM and you, right? It is all lies.

All lies.

Yes Mel, I gave her the letter as she left in tears.
It probably is all lies, I don't know what is going on when she is with OM. When she has been with me it is not like when she first had the affair she has been very affectionate, tells me she loves me, this is before and after she left.
But anyway I need to stop worrying about what she has and hasn't said now and move on.

Yet it didn't stop her from abandoning her family for an adulterous affair. Women don't abandon their families for a "friendship" with some girl named Sally at the office. Keep that in mind. They do abandon their families for adulterous affairs, though.

Thanks Mel,
I do keep that in mind, in fact I have said that to WW on more than one occasion over the past couple of weeks

That letter-I'd lighten up on taking so much responsibility for the state of your amrriage. It's fine to acknowledge some responsibility. But, essentialy, you sound like you've accepted the absurd proposition that you drove her to this.

Zelmo,
I gave her the letter today, but I did tone that part down a bit after I read it, as I thought the same as you. I just apolgised for the mistakes I had made in the past and said that I was willing to learn from my mistakes and change

Just a quick note - I am pretty new here as a poster but wanted to tell you that there are lots of folks with you. I started Plan B two weeks ago today, so am just a wee bit ahead (chronologically). For me, the first few days were very painful, but then were followed by about a week's worth of "OK" - and for me, "OK" was pretty durn good coming out of a Plan A where the emotional abuse just intensified throughout.

I even had a few minutes of fun - real fun! - with some colleagues last week.

The past three days, on the other hand, have been really rough, with flashbacks to D-Day and subsequent days. But just late this afternoon I am starting to feel better.

I've been through this before, too. I know it's going to be like this for a while - better, then worse, then better - etc. But it is one heck of alot better - even at the bad times - then seeing/listening to/being in the middle of all of the craziness was. And the "better" cycles will eventually get longer and longer.

In the meantime - Reach out to friends. Gather things around you that give you pleasure or peace. Make time to care for yourself - schedule it if you have to. Do things you enjoy doing - even if you don't feel like that right now, you will again, in time. Watch favorite movies. Listen to great music. Get outside. Let yourself grieve but put a time limit on it - then go do something productive, even if it is just walking around the block.

I'm working on a list. If you'd like, I'll post it once there's more on it. In the meantime, folks here are really helpful, full of ideas and experience. I'm sorry you're going through this - but you will be survive it, and in time, be stronger for it. Believe it.

Great post, miriam!

ITA!!

Charlotte