truth, the purpose of Plan B is to remove you from his abuse and in order to do that, complete and total no contact has to take place. It defeats the purpose to have any contact.

That being said, if he has agreed to leave the job, there is no reason for Plan B.


But you know this is not true. He sees her at work every day. One can't say they go in the bar every day and have no contact with booze.

Are you separated NOW?? Where does he live?

We are separated now. He has moved back in with his dad. (His dad is elderly and is having surgery on Monday, so it actually is working out okay that he can spend time with him during his recovery). They live about 30 minutes away.

On the OW contact issue - he is on a different floor and they work in different departments so it is feasible, however their departments interface with each other. She told me she was going to resign but she is still there.

ok, so if he wanted some lunch time sex, all he has to do is meet her in the parking garage, right? Does that sound "feasible" to you?

That wouldn't sound very feasible to me.

Can you please tell me what you said today about his contact and if he agreed to leave his job?

It is absolutely feasible.

He said he has not initiated any contact since he confessed to me about the affair on 10/11. The only contact has been:

That night she called him and said what is going on? because I was calling her repeatedly to let her know that I knew everything. This was on a Saturday.

On Monday morning, when they both told me on Sunday that they were going to tell their respective bosses, she came to his office. He says he shoo'ed her away. She left and came back with a note and slid it under the door. He read it to me over the phone and it said something to the effect of "I'm telling my boss and am resigning today." Apparently, the boss talked her out of it-- bad economy, wait til you have a job, blah, blah, blah.

Then after I sent the letters this week to the mgmt team at his company, she sent him an email and asked him if he received the letter. He responded and told her he did not, but he called me to confirm the letters were sent, and reported that in the email.

He promises, swears no contact. Says he doesn't love her. Never cared for her. Has no desire to speak to her. (of course, he knows this is what I want to hear).

Over the course of the past four weeks, he has sometimes agreed to look for other employment. He is very hesitant. (to say the least). Been at the company for 15 years. Has a substantial compensation package. Says he doesn't want to lose his wife, his family and his job. He says with no guarantee of complete reconciliation, he cannot quit. He has made some very soft attempts of following up on some leads I gave him, but is not fully committed to finding another job (in my opinion).

After our counseling session today, he said he would make some further attempts. Asked me if I would consider relocation, or having him stay at the company and transfer closer to home.

He is very reluctant to leave the job. I think he is afraid of the chnage, thinks he is unmarketable.

I know, however, that I can't be put in a situation where he is over an hour away every day with the freedom and temptation to do as he pleases. I am just not strong enough for that.

Melody- also, a personal question. I mean it in a very respectful way, please read it as such. Are you happlily recovered for eight years? How long until you were truly happy?
Why are you still on these boards?

Will I still be obsessed with my predicament eight years later? oh my....

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you reading/responding. I feel totally alone. I have a good support system, but no one ever seems to say the right thing.

Thanks for that.

I wasn't happy the FULL 8 years, maybe 6 years. The past 3 years have been very happy. I am here to help others because I passionately want others to have what I have. Just like there were folks here to help me when I arrived in 2001, I want to help folks when they arrive. [I will say that when I got here, there weren't many ppl who even understood MB so I was confused for a long time] I get ENORMOUS personal satisfaction out of helping others here.

There is so much misinformation out there from the "marriage counseling" crowd that most folks don't have a CHANCE. Marriage counselors have the highest failure rate of any of the venues at 84% failure. They don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage. On the other hand, people have a huge chance with Marriage Builders because it really does work.



I am glad to help. And i know what you mean about hearing the wrong thing. Your INSTINCTS were telling you that he could not continue to work with the OW but ppl were telling you it was ok. Your instincts WERE RIGHT! But this is a perfect example of how much ignorance there is out there, especially when it comes to adultery.

But this is the word of a liar, th. It would be foolish to believe his "word." And it is really irrelevant as long as he continues to work at the same place. Your marriage won't ever recover. An alcoholic cannot recover by going to the bar every day.


Ok, are you reading what you are writing? You just told me they were in contact this week. And then you go onto to tell me that a liar has said "promises, swears no contact...blah, blah, blah,...."

That is called the FOG, th.


So, if you allow him to come home now and reconcile, he will QUIT? Then I would take him up on that offer. Ask him to come home NOW and quit his job on Monday.

Personally, I think your H is still very much in his affair. He is still bargaining for the right to keep his contact with the OW and that is usually the mark of an ongoing affair.

TH,

You posted on my recovery update thread, so I thought I would take a look at your situation.

I see that you have some great people helping you.

Please listen to Mel. She told me the same thing that she just told you (I quoted above)...and she was absolutely right. My husband was lying about ending his affair, and I went through a horrible false recovery.

Mel helped me tremendously during the 7 months I battled my husband's affair. She will not lead you astray.

Listen to her. She just KNOWS these things.

Mel and SMB- thanks for the vicarious strength. I am standing firm. He cannot come home until he quits.

I will keep you posted.

I sent the plan b letter. God, give me the strength to hold fast to this plan.

--------------
WS -

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with OW possible. I realize now that I was too busy with my own responsibilities to meet your needs. I did not realize that you were unhappy, and we are now both suffering for this oversight.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and work with you to create a new life for both of us that meets both our needs. But I cannot do that until you end your contact with OW and that includes your continued employment at <current company>.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. We can communicate through email only for visitation arrangements for the children. I will no longer attend joint counseling with you.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are seeing her every day. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions. I need to concentrate on myself for a while and work on healing my broken heart.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from OW and end your employment, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's needs willingly and to avoid doing anything to intentionally hurt each other. We need to build a new life in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate or for you to stray from the marriage. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you as long as you are still in contact with her every day.

If you haven't made significant progress on finding a more suitable position by the new year, I will understand that you have no regard for my well being, and I will consider actions to make a more formal end to our marriage.

I have prayed about this for the past week and feel like I am honoring God's wishes by taking these measures. You know, as well as I, that I cannot continue to live with the doubt that plagues me, everytime you go to the office.

If you make a concerted effort to find another position where you won't be tempted to cheat on me on a daily basis, please let me know of your progress. There might be a chance that we could begin seeing each other on a limited basis and we could begin the rebuilding of our marriage quicker rather than later. I think we would both benefit from that.

Love,

BS

And I joined the BAN group in my area. Anyone have experience with them?

Good job on sending the Plan B letter.

Now he may start trying to talk you out of it, or you may not hear anything from him. Stay dark and DON'T talk to him about anything.

Your situation practically mirrors mine. I caught my husband cheating on me in August of this year. My H and the OW were church camp couselors together who attending a camp once a year. This year, something that he says started out as a joke turned into inappropriate flirting and, three weeks later, a physical relationship. I caught them on their first night together.

My husband came home very repentative of what he did and I made him promise to never talk to her again and I told both of them they would not be at the same camp again - ever. It's not unrealistic to ask him (or her) to quit working in order to separate them. They cannot be there together or it will rekindle what they had.

I think you did the right thing in exposing him to the OW spouse and others. I did that with my H and he even told some of his closest friends.

If your husband is serious about making the relationship work, he needs to do whatever he has to do to remove himself from her presence. It's the least he could do!

Good luck!!!

Thanks Sumnersgal- Plan B isn't working so well so far. He still doesn't take the NC/job situation as a real deal breaker for me. Most (including him) don't think it is fair to put a time limit on the job quitting but the more time I have alone, the more I think I can be ready to get on with my life. If his job is more important than his family, that will tell the whole story.

Good luck to you.
TH

Plan B didn't work so well. My husband refuses to leave his job. We are getting a divorce. Good luck to all of you. I pray for complete recovery for all of you. Thank you so much for your advice and support.

Huh? Plan B doesn't work in 4 days. I encourage you to stick with it and be completely dark.

Keep posting.

You may yet need our expertise regardless of any decision that you make now.

I will keep posting. I know I didn't give it a good enough shot, but I had some time to think (and pray) and I know I want out of the marriage. I cannot live with it and know I can only forgive him after a complete separation.

I ready to move on with my life. I really am not the kind of person who believes in second chances. God knows that I tried. I am at peace with my decision.

Thanks for all your support and input.

venting...

I am just dying inside. This is the worst possible thing that I could ever imagine. I just don’t know how I am going to make it through another day. We had such a good marriage, a great marriage by many standards. He was my best friend. He was the love of my life, yet he chose to hurt me in the worst possible way. The only thing he could have done anything worse than this if he would have somehow hurt, abused or violated one of my children.

I don’t see anyway back to a forgiving loving marriage. I know that only God can restore our marriage but my pain is so great I just don’t feel as if this is something he wants to do.

I feel alone and empty and numb to everything. I feel confused by all my feelings and keep wanting to know what my next step is. I realize, however, there is nothing I can do. I just have to be patient and try to somehow ease my suffering.

Of course, I am going about easing my suffering in all the wrong ways: smoking, starving myself, sending nasty emails and text messages. I feel as I am literally drowning in all my feelings and I can’t catch my breath.

I just want the pain to end. I want out. I don’t want to be married to someone that is so weak and so unable to control himself that I just want God to give me a fresh clean start.

I don’t understand why this happened or why God would want me to go through this. I have lived a good life, been a great wife and a good mother. Tried to be the best person I could be. Why am I being punished? I know I haven’t been as close to the Lord as I should be but I have been so distracted with my daily responsibilities. It has been said that if the Devil can’t make you sin, he will keep you busy. That is certainly true in my case.

I need help. But I don’t want to reconcile. The only way I will ever take him back is if he quits his job. He has to offer me tangible proof that he is willing to do this for me...that his family is more important than his job. If he can’t do this, I don’t believe he really loves me. It is black and white.