Hi MIM,

You mention the children (in my case adult married son) as a reason to recover. That was the main force for us/me to try to fight FOR our family.

During the subsequent D-Days due to WH's undiagnosed withdrawal from his unknown addiction to OW, DS24's words kept me going.

After the 4th D-day, I did allow WH to walk away and decided to start over (after 32.5 years of M at 53). He knew I meant it. He chose to change. So did I.

By the 4th D-day, we were reading MB books, but I did NOT know about this web site or these discussion forums initially.

Like RTW RHW, I did not love him (and had not loved him for years if ever). In fact, while he confessed on D-Day 1, I was doing a happy dance at first because he was giving me the scriptural reason I needed to get out of a 32 year sham. (Married too young for the wrong reasons.)

It was only after DS24 begged us to "fight for our family like you taught DD26 and me to do" did I choose to try to recover.

Like you, MIM, I don't regret it.....yet (but the yet part is diminishing as we rebuild our trust and we begin to know what it feels like to be 'in love'.)

Ace

Pio,

Of course, I wasn't "in love" with him. Hadn't been for a long time. Few needs being met in either direction. But after 37 years together, building a life, raising a family, he WAS family!I loved him in that sense. And I obviously loved him in the sense that "love is a decision," or I wouldn't have chased him to the city he'd moved to 4 hours away and planted myself there to stand for the marriage he'd walked away from. Or taken more D-Days there, and months of abuse before he finally moved back toward me.

...maybe that did evidence a touch of masochism, but I know as sure as I'm sitting here that if I hadn't done those things, we'd be a broken marriage and a cut-off family today.

So I'm glad I played it that way, although it took a piece of my soul to ransom the marriage.

Right Here Waiting

4. I saw her as someone in trouble and I wanted to help.
5. The shame of being exposed as a cuckolded husband who lost his wife because some fool at her office used her for booty calls.

Give me five minutes, and I can think of five more. It boils down to a general feeling that it was something that needed to be done.

MIM,

These things resonated with me. Especially the last bit: "a general feeling that it was something that needed to be done."

Thanks for putting it into words that way.

Hi Ace.

While I wasn't doing a happy dance at the opportunity to divorce him with cause, our stories seem so very similar in other ways.

I'm going to visit your Smiles and Trials thread. Hope to hook up with you there.

If you were to accidentally cut off an arm, you would do everything you could to save that arm and have it reattached. It wouldn't matter if that arm was your left (or right if you are lefthanded). It wouldn't matter if it bore ugly scars or birthmarks. You would still try to save it. I'm sure the surgical reattachment of that arm is painful and risky in it's own right, but you wouldn't hesitate to do it.

When you are married, you are united as one. When one partner commits adultery, they are amputating themselves from marriage - just like ripping off a limb. Regardless of how many warts or blemishes that partner has, I believe it's a knee-jerk reaction to try to reattach them.

Now in my case, my M did not recover and it was my conscious choice not to do so. But this decision came about after d-day - after I found out a lot of other stuff that was wrong with the M, not just adultery. It was more of a realization that the arm was full of gangrene and it had been silently killing me for years - it's removal was actually a life-saver, despite being just as painful.

MacNut:

If you want to read here, and learn, go right ahead.

Maybe, just maybe, you will learn to worry less, and love more.

Maybe you will learn about understanding.

Don't be chased away beacuse you haven't experienced infidelity.

There are some good posters around here who's marriages were on the decline, and the the things they learned here were applied and lead them to a better marriage.

LG

Tabby,

I have never heard a better analogy to explain this. Thank you so much.

Wait a minute. To make it more like the real thing, It should start out...

"If someone you love cut off one of your arms..."


Hmmm, that changes the whole thing doesn't it?

Nevermind. Still a good analogy.


Right Here Waiting

Pio, I think this is different for every person, and for me I think my high intensity of BS fog blinded me.....I was a masochist but didn't realize it.

I had been a hopeless romanticist chasing the illusive "in love" feeling for years, trying to control and manipulate my H by suggesting books, tapes, CDs videos, seminars, workshops, retreats, advances, conferences, IC, MC......anything to show him how I wanted him to act.

I gave up.

We detached.

H found someone who would accept him unconditionally...(and who had no way to keep him accountable when he lied to her).

DS24's challenge to fight FOR our family motivated me to try to recover.

WH said he would change and then actually followed up on his words.

I sought to change myself, too.

Now we are in recovery and discovering for the first time what it feels like to be 'in love'.

We might make it.

Masochistic? Yeah, probably in the beginning. But MB has helped us use that to our advantage.


Note to Right HERE Waiting:

So sorry I misread your name as Right THERE Waiting. My email address is on the Smiles thread and I look forward to hearing from you.


LG, you're right that many have declining M's who have improved beyond expectation using MB concepts.


Tabby, thanks for the insight and great analogy.


MacNut,

Some may question why you're here and if your quest is for real. If you are, then kudos to you. I only wish I had sought and found the kind of information available on this site 30+ years ago.

Ace

Bingo, Ace!

"Pio, I think this is different for every person, and for me I think my high intensity of BS fog blinded me.....I was a masochist but didn't realize it.

I had been a hopeless romanticist chasing the illusive "in love" feeling for years, trying to control and manipulate my H by suggesting books, tapes, CDs videos, seminars, workshops, retreats, advances, conferences, IC, MC......anything to show him how I wanted him to act.

I gave up.

We detached."

PERFECTLY stated, and to which I say "Ditto."

PS--Having some trouble with my outbound email, so will have to put that right before the email I sent you will go through.

MacNut, please consider the material offered on this site. It would be so good to apply it BEFORE an affair! Most of us here didn't realize how awful an A is and probably wouldn't have made the effort before our worlds were blown apart. Don't make that mistake!

That includes me, but I am still not sure what I am going to do. Each day I wake up and try to make my marriage better.

LG, that's why I'm here. That's why I'm reading, taking in the info on this site (including the forums), and asking the questions I did at the beginning of this thread. I basically want to avoid the pain many of you in these forums have experienced, because I don't know if I have the strength to stay if I find myself a BS, and I don't want to find out, either.

MC:

This line:
Says it all doesn't it?

Flamingo was going to kill me if I cheated. She said I had a 6 hour head start, she was going to drive to her parents house, get the guns and bullets and drive back. That's a round trip of 6 hours.

She didn't.

And if you don't want to find out, then start with radical honesty and meeting EN's.

You would be surprised how many folks think they have a "good marriage" but with some "little problems" that "all marriages have".

And then reality strikes.

Keep reading. Keep Learning. But mostly? Start applying.

LG

I will GLADLY take those kudos.......

Why did I stay?????

*because we had been together so long, I didn't want to view it as a waste
*because we have children...what would a divorce do to them
*because I wasn't going to be the "loser" (I come from a very competive family)
*I wanted what HE was giving her.....(this is called the BS fog....)
*Because I found out on Dday that deep down I loved my WS more than I ever knew......
*BUT mostly, because I KNEW that I hadn't done my job as a wife. I'm not talking about perfection, I talking basics.....I knew that looking back I had to OWN my part in the failure of our marriage. I had failed......


What kept me going during the affair???

*Dr. H's books
*my own growth
*my sister and dad
*my children
*BUT mostly, this place and the wonderful folks who cheered, consoled, and reached out during my darkest hours.....
*oh...and seeing how my Plan A was affecting my WS......
*and once in awhile, Xanax.....

How did I deal with feeling like a chump for taking him back after the affair????

*knowning that it really doesn't matter what OTHERS think....only what I think
*knowing that I did EVERYTHING within my power to improve myself and my marriage
*realizing my H is not perfect, can make mistakes, and will do things to hurt me.....
*seeing my H work hard to put this marriage back together, work on himself, and making our future as bright as possible......

I am not better than you. You do not know what you will do in the face of adultery. One does not know what they will truly do in any hard situation. It is only when we are faced with adversity that we learn how we will deal with it. I hate what happened. I hate what it did to my family, me....but most of all I hate what it did to my H. BUT having walked through this fire, I have grown, my family has grown, and my H has grown and for that I am grateful........

not2fun






*

Macnut...

The Macnut-40, Happily Married, W - 43
3 stepkids, SDD - 24, SDS1 - 20, SDS2 - 16


Hmmm. So, you married a divorced woman? You aren't telling us the truth, at least not completely.

I have my suspicions, and well...anyone that has been on this board for 3+ years knows I'm not the most subtle person... so...

1) You had an affair with your current wife.
2) You are having an affair and are trying to find a way to save your marriage.
3) You do suspect your wife of an affair.
4) Maybe a family member involved in an affair.

I don't believe random people just trying to protect their marriage end up in this board. I don't think I've seen it happen yet, and it's been way too long that I've read here.

The truth will set you free.

RookKev,

I believe you have hit the nail on the head with at least one of your hunches. I was wondering about #2 and #3 myself. We both know if it's #1, that #2 and #3 are more likely.

None of the options bodes well for MacNut's M if he's playing hide and seek.

I wonder if he will post again. And if he will clear things up with the truth. It IS hard to believe anyone "happily married" would come here purely for "preventive" measures.

He should have figured out by now that none of us are here to do anything but offer help, the way we all received it when we needed it...

RHW

I know how awful the affair was at the time. My XH hurt me to the core of my being. I lost 35 pounds (15 the week he left) and cried until my eyes were dry.

It hurt me every day to wake up, and every night to go to bed.

The affair saved me. I would not change it for a second! The first time my XH cheated (one year after our wedding) I begged him to stay. I thought if I pretended it never happened, everything would be okay. Three years was all it took. Three years for him to jump in the sack with the next whore who would have anything to do with him.

It hurt more then anything to be duped twice. But, it taught me a very important lesson. XH was destroying me, very, very slowly. After the affair, the lies, the self loathing, the sadness... it came all out. I hated my life! I was depressed, in incredible debt (and owning nothing!!!) and finding myself bitter and sad. There were times I had thought to myself... what if? After the affair, those thoughts became more frequent.

Someone told me here that with no children, and youth on my side, I should run. I could not believe at the time what I was hearing! Slowly, it started to sink in.

I had nothing invested. 9 years is not an eternity. No children, no home, no solid reason to want to stay. To want to fight.

Does that make me a quitter? In my eyes, absolutely not! I found a happiness after the affair that made it all worthwhile! I was able to take control of what I wanted.

WH bankrupted me. He lied to me. He used me. I'm all the better for it. I became my own inspiration. For finding me.


There was no going back after that. Recovery does not always mean the marriage is recovered. Mine is dead. Gone, forever. The affair saved my life.

I know this isn't what you all were looking for here, but I had to say my piece.

Thanks RookKev.

Hmmm. Macnut is conspicuous by his absence...

This is definitely the best way I have ever heard it and fits my experience to a "T"!

GREAT JOB!!

MS. Manners, you are on to it for me too! I hated my life with POWS. I was always angry. The D-day posted was just the last one I could deal with. It brought me to my bottom, a week after the biggest influence in my life passed on. I have two boys that I was raising without any REAL help, a very low self-esteem, and thought I can do bad on my own! Well, I haven't been doing BAD at all, the opposite is true in life. Life has been full of happiness. I'm not angry and resentful anymore, laugh all the time, and am able to deal with stress SOOOO much easier.

Kudos to you! I still deal with lonely nights but it's been uphill!