Ive been here on and off awhile, Ive even posted a couple of times, but its been awhile. Ive had depression pretty much my whole life, and also ADHD. Its really affected how I deal with people and see the world, Im to the point now where I hate everything, I hate the fact that I cant feel pleasure, Ive ruined my family, and brought them down. My wife and I have been married a little over 5 years, we are now seperated. she is in the military serving overseas in kuwait, luckily she is not in a dangerous area, and as far as overseas deployment goes, she has it pretty easy. (other than dealing with me) I have not been supportive of her deployment, I have actually belittled her role over there (admin. work) and constantly told her awful things about her job, her friends, and her. I accused her of abandoning our children, I got angry when she told me things she did that sounded like fun. I made her feel guilty because she has weekends off and I was with our 3 kids. every time we talked it was a fight, I was mad about money, or what she bought or did for herself, or that she was there in general. while this was going on I was talking to other girls online, I even slept with one of them. My wife came home for a brief leave and found out I was talking to women (but didnt find out I had slept with one) we had a heart to heart and I never told her. we agreed to work it out, after she left again. I continued talking to some of the women I had been (but not the one I had slept with) I actually had one come over and just hang out a couple of times, but nothing had happened. I was planning on it again though. my wife found out I hadnt stopped talking to girls, while all of this was going on, I was starting new meds, but it seemed like they were making things worse, I was more angry, and more wreckless, I had reached a new low even for me...my house was in a constant state of filth, my children were running around unsupervised, (there were several times when my 2 and 3 year olds had escaped the house and ran down the street, my nieghbors were about to call DHS) I was spending all of the money on frivoulous items (including a 4000 back child support payment she didnt know about.) and I was upset she bought a 600.00 laptop to contact home easier. all of this stuff was discoverd by her. everything. her parents were already concerned because of the house. and she asked them to take the kids, so they did, we had a big fight about it, but in the end I didnt stop them from taking the kids and the furniture. My wife said that as far she was concerened, we were seperated at this point. I had no job, nowhere to stay, my sister flew me from Oklahoma to Indiana to stay with her (Im here now, that was almost 4 months ago.) Ive talked to the kids about 5 times on the phone scince, I havent sent a dollar to help, and Im ashamed of that, My wife and I argue constantly about how Im not getting any better and things will never change, our last fight, 3 weeks ago was especially terrible, I said some very appaling things to her just to get a reaction. We havent talked scince, Ive sent her a couple of emails saying Im sorry but I believe that Im on her ignore list now. she has blocked me from her myspace and puts little emotioncons showing how great of a mood shes in now. she sent me a blunt email today telling not to contact her for the remaider of her deployment. Part of me wants to spam her with Emails begging her forgivevess, but the other part thinks I should leave her alone though it is PAINFUL to do so at this point. I am constantly wondering what she is doing, if she is with someone new. Im sure its for the best untill I get some therapy for my issues started. but it sucks, because I feel so bad, I think during the course of our marriage I have somehow mutated into something inhuman, I dont know how it happened, and I chose not to do anything about it because fighting it was too hard. Now it seems like it is late, I may have gained "awareness" just in time to watch my family crumble...please tell me there is hope...please give me some step by step advice before I ruin things further and push it over the edge by being too clingy?needy...Thanks for reading.

1) get your butt out of that office chair, turn off the computer, pick the remote up, turn off judge judy, stop being a leech, man up, and get a job... like yesterday

2) pay some child support to the maternal grandparents and keep records of such... preferably cancelled checks

3) throw some rent money to your sister while you are at it

4) pray that the maternal grandparents aren't familiar with the DHS system in their state because if they are it wouldn't be that hard to get legal custody. if they have money for a lawyer, an affadavit of approval from your wife, pictures of your "filty" home and witnesses who have seen your children running around the neighborhood unsupervised, you lose. and let me tell you as somebody who has worked for the state in that capacity, it won't be easy getting custody back.

5) stop sleeping with other woman and pimping yourself out on the internet... better yet stop using the internet altogether. you don't need a forum like this. you need two or three jobs to pay child support, rent, and have enough left over for some professional assistance. you should have like zero time left over for adultfriendfinder.com

7) stop lying. your mention of a heart-to-heart talk with your wife was an absolute joke. you hid many facts from her and even admitted to pissing her off just to get a reaction out of her.
if you really want to make amends, write her snail mail and tell her you have already gotten two jobs, have a prospect for a third and are sending child support.

the mention of the "pain" you are going through makes me sick. your wife was serving her country in kuwait... sending money home so you could sit on the internet, pick up women and let your children live unsupervised in a filty home.

How about you just grow up? And stop being selfish?

Seriously, man, you consolidated just about every bad behavior I've heard of into one person.

My advice? Find out how you can check yourself into a mental health facility so that they can stabilize your medicine and put you through therapy to learn how to deal with yourself.

You will never accomplish it on your own. Let the professionals get you straightened out.

The secret you need?

Paragraphs man, paragraphs.