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I don't agree with Aphelion. I don't think it has anything to do with sex. She is trading sex for something she gets from the OM. Women are strange creatures. I agree this was part of it. She even admitted as much. She said since the OM was meeting her EN it made sex easier.
BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
In recovery....but not easy
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Wow. Not sure if you are trying to make me feel bad but I don't think this is helpful. Could be true. Maybe not.
Last edited by Fireproof; 11/10/08 04:37 PM. Reason: removing quote
BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
In recovery....but not easy
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 205
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UD,
Sorry for you and your kid especially, did you have DNA tests, STD tests? I think you were implying that your W was doing the OMW too! That's a whole nother scarry issue. Do the Polygraph
God Bless
NJ Kid is ok. Biologically guaranteed of it. Thank god for that. No was not implying that WW and OMW. Polygraph looking better and better.
BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
In recovery....but not easy
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
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Posts: 3,146 |
Wow. Not sure if you are trying to make me feel bad but I don't think this is helpful. Could be true. Maybe not. I recommend you put Aphelion on "Ignore" as well (It's your choice). He is not in the Marriage Building phase of his life at this time. He is suffering from a "The Sky Is Falling" complex. Marriages can, will and do recover, even with this set back. Read all you can on Dr. Harleys principes about how affairs should end and how recovery needs to begin. Ask your WW to register and post here for some help as well. Schedule an appointment at the "Coaching Center" link at the top of these pages. They can help you with a plan for recovering you marriage.
Last edited by Choctaw; 11/10/08 04:45 PM. Reason: Edited Quote
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I recommend you put Aphelion on "Ignore" as well (It's your choice). He is not in the Marriage Building phase of his life at this time. He is suffering from a "The Sky Is Falling" complex.
Marriages can, will and do recover, even with this set back.
Read all you can on Dr. Harleys principes about how affairs should end and how recovery needs to begin.
Ask your WW to register and post here for some help as well.
Schedule an appointment at the "Coaching Center" link at the top of these pages. They can help you with a plan for recovering you marriage. Thanks. I kind of see that. But I understand the emotions. Can't say I haven't thought the same thoughts or felt that same way. I don't even mind it sometimes - sometimes reality is what you need. I don't think all M are meant to be or can survive all of this. Sometimes D is a better option. Just trying to figure it out for myself.
BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
In recovery....but not easy
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
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I don't think all M are meant to be or can survive all of this. Sometimes D is a better option. Just trying to figure it out for myself. It is your choice! D is never a BETTER option for a family, but your right it is an option.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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UD:
What you will find, even2ally, is that your desire 2 recover your M will wane as your W continues 2 disrespect you in this manner. That's the reason for the timelines/recommendations of the MB methods/plans.
The worst combination of states is one where you don't care, but your W has finally come around and wants 2 recover - really.
You are not in recovery. You're dealing with an active affair.
-ol' 2long
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A false recovery is not uncommon.
You can set your boundaries at this point and ask your WW to meet them. You are not asking to much to have her live by YOUR boundaries and to protect your M.
I would begin this process by going to the Harley's and getting the help you need IF you choose recovery.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Posts: 2,621
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I wish you luck, UD. You are going to need lots of it with this one.
"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan
"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky
WS: They are who they are.
When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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UD:
What you will find, even2ally, is that your desire 2 recover your M will wane as your W continues 2 disrespect you in this manner. That's the reason for the timelines/recommendations of the MB methods/plans.
The worst combination of states is one where you don't care, but your W has finally come around and wants 2 recover - really.
You are not in recovery. You're dealing with an active affair.
-ol' 2long I think that's what happening. I'm surprised that I'm not even that hurt. I kind of feel like - whatever. I really tried to do some of the steps on here before this second d-day but WW was not 100% buying it. And I kind of think that's where my WW is heading - she will eventually realize that she doesn't want to lose me and it will be too late. Now she sees this OM is not quite what he cracked up to be and is desperately afraid of losing me. Its so strange though - throughout the A, throughout everything. She keeps on saying she would be destroyed if I left. Why? Don't get it. If she loved this OM so much then why wouldn't she want to be with him?
BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
In recovery....but not easy
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
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Posts: 7,464 |
What you will find, even2ally, is that your desire 2 recover your M will wane as your W continues 2 disrespect you in this manner. That's the reason for the timelines/recommendations of the MB methods/plans.
The worst combination of states is one where you don't care, but your W has finally come around and wants 2 recover - really.
You are not in recovery. You're dealing with an active affair. Again I agree with 2long. LMAO. 2long is right on with this IMO.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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I wish you luck, UD. You are going to need lots of it with this one. Thanks. I hope you really mean it. It doesn't really bother me what you wrote. It is what it is. My wife had an A. Can't change it. Some of the stuff she did was probably pretty vile. But the point of the boards it too help people - and in some cases that may mean a D or trying to stay M. I'm just looking for help and advice like everyone else and looking to help someone else if I can with something I went through.
BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
In recovery....but not easy
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 205
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 205 |
A false recovery is not uncommon.
You can set your boundaries at this point and ask your WW to meet them. You are not asking to much to have her live by YOUR boundaries and to protect your M.
I would begin this process by going to the Harley's and getting the help you need IF you choose recovery. Yeah I pretty much said that in order for me to stay in the house one more day that there were going to be no more compromises or debating boundaries. She has to agree with what I think it right 100%. It seems to kind of go against the MB principle - I'm unilaterally making the decision. But obviously she is not capable so I will have to decide for her. Thinking of contacting the harley's - have been going to MC but I'm not so impressed. I think she is good but not really focusing on the A. I know there are other problems but right now I feel the only thing we should be working on is the A.
BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
In recovery....but not easy
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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 205
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Posts: 205 |
It is your choice!
D is never a BETTER option for a family, but your right it is an option. Not sure about that. If I'm suffering and not happy for the rest of my life in a bad M is that going to make a good father? Or if I get D and find someone else who makes me happy - I think i would be in a much better frame of mind to be a good dad.
BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
In recovery....but not easy
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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
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I wish you luck, UD. You are going to need lots of it with this one. Thanks. I hope you really mean it. It doesn't really bother me what you wrote. It is what it is. Since it's been edited, why bring it up? (and why not edit your responses 2 the deleted posts, bk and tst?) My wife had an A. Can't change it. Correction, your wife IS HAVING AN AFFAIR. It ain't over. Some of the stuff she did was probably pretty vile. It always is. But the point of the boards it too help people - and in some cases that may mean a D or trying to stay M. I'm just looking for help and advice like everyone else and looking to help someone else if I can with something I went through. I don't disagree. What is this comment about? -ol' 2long
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It is your choice!
D is never a BETTER option for a family, but your right it is an option. Not sure about that. If I'm suffering and not happy for the rest of my life in a bad M is that going to make a good father? Or if I get D and find someone else who makes me happy - I think i would be in a much better frame of mind to be a good dad. See, that's all about YOU! I said FAMILY, which means kids. IMVHO, It is always, if possible, for kids to have their dad and mom together.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Posts: 2,621
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I don't mind anyone telling other's to ignore me.
Maybe they should.
But I truly do believe to the depths of my soul adulterers never ever change. They learn to be more discreet. Perhaps even discrete to the point of not doing it overtly – yet always wishing for more of it.
And that is not changing either.
**edit**
Last edited by Fireproof; 11/10/08 05:29 PM. Reason: enough!
"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan
"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky
WS: They are who they are.
When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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Posts: 10,816
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Yeah I pretty much said that in order for me to stay in the house one more day that there were going to be no more compromises or debating boundaries. Huh? Don't leave your house. But if you insist, take the kids with you. She has to agree with what I think it right 100%. It seems to kind of go against the MB principle - I'm unilaterally making the decision. But obviously she is not capable so I will have to decide for her. This WILL NOT WORK. You have no business making her decisions for her. You DO have a responsibility 2 make your own healthy decisions, though, particularly for your kids' sakes. And that could involve making choices that she thinks are "controlling". Just be clear that she's in charge of her own choices, just as she's responsible for their consequences. Thinking of contacting the harley's - have been going to MC but I'm not so impressed. I think she is good but not really focusing on the A. I know there are other problems but right now I feel the only thing we should be working on is the A. Various counselors will tell you things like "you're putting the cart before the horse" by wanting 2 deal with the affair before anything else. I know I was told that by one IC I had early in the process. I fired him. Call the Harleys. It's worth it. Pretty much any counseling that tries 2 address other issues is useless if the affair is allowed 2 be ignored (and thus, 2 continue). -ol' 2long
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See, that's all about YOU! I said FAMILY, which means kids. IMVHO, It is always, if possible, for kids to have their dad and mom together. Its not all about me. I meant if I am not happy and miserable it is going to transcend all aspects of me - husband, father, etc. How could it not? If I am D and happy I believe it would make me a better father. I think kids are better off with a mom and dad together but not if mom doesn't respect dad at all.
BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
In recovery....but not easy
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Posts: 518
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Please keep your posts helpful to this poster or this thread will be locked. This thread is to help the OP, not to bicker with mods or harass the thread starter.
Thank you.
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