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Huh? Don't leave your house. But if you insist, take the kids with you. I not going to leave the house. I would make her leave or go in the basement. This WILL NOT WORK. You have no business making her decisions for her. You DO have a responsibility 2 make your own healthy decisions, though, particularly for your kids' sakes. And that could involve making choices that she thinks are "controlling". Just be clear that she's in charge of her own choices, just as she's responsible for their consequences. I was talking in relation to boundaries. Not everything - and I tried the MB way - it did not work. I should have made her cut off contact with her friends who knew the OM - but i didn't because she fought me.
BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
In recovery....but not easy
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I was talking in relation to boundaries. Not everything - and I tried the MB way - it did not work. I should have made her cut off contact with her friends who knew the OM - but i didn't because she fought me. Again, you can request that she agree 2 NC, but you can't make demands unless you're immediately willing 2 follow through with actions. Otherwise, they're simply empty threats. Have you exposed lately? Telling the truth about what's going on isn't lovebusting, it's telling the truth! And it might put some needed pressure on the affair (don't believe it's over, it isn't). -ol' 2long
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How about this, call the Harleys. Expensive, but they will cut to the chase, and they DO realize that the adultery is the problem.
And you can't be a great father if you are divorced.
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And you can't be a great father if you are divorced. Belioever - I'm pretty sure you meant to say CAN not CAN'T?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Have you exposed lately? Telling the truth about what's going on isn't lovebusting, it's telling the truth! And it might put some needed pressure on the affair (don't believe it's over, it isn't).
-ol' 2long Yeah. That was the reason my WW went to his house. To expose everything. I know what happened and yes I know what she shouldn't have done it. But it was exposing - the OM called me and was pretty mad. But I don't believe its over. Obviously with what happened.
BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
In recovery....but not easy
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Posts: 205
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How about this, call the Harleys. Expensive, but they will cut to the chase, and they DO realize that the adultery is the problem.
And you can't be a great father if you are divorced. I am getting ready to call. However - I really don't agree with you that you can't be a great father if you are divorced. I think that is disrespectful to all the divorced fathers out there who try their best. Yes - in an ideal world every child would have a mother and father in love with each completely and living under the same roof forever. But this is not reality. These boards should show that. What about widowed fathers? fathers who work away from home a lot? fathers serving in the military? Are these people not as good fathers because they are not in an ideal situation where there is a mother and father sleeping ever night in the same house with their children.
BH - me. 35
WW - 31
DD - 3
DD - 4
DS - 7
Married 9 years
D-date - 9/12/2008
EA - ~9/06-9/08
PA - 9/07-9/08
NC #1 - 9/15/2008
Broken a couple of times
NC #2 - 11/8/2008 - Hopefully the last time
In recovery....but not easy
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.... and I tried the MB way - it did not work. What specifically did you try that didn't work? When you said you have "exposed", can you tell us what YOU "specifically" did? I like how MelodyLane explains how exposure should look; What I have found to be most effective, generally speaking, is to make a list of KEY targets that might include spouses, parents, close friends, and workplace if applicable. It would be different in every case, of course. To get the maximum effect, exposure would need to be done at once. This makes it hit like a TSUNAMI, without warning, giving the affairees very little opportunity to pre-empt the BS.
This all presumes there is an ONGOING AFFAIR. If there is no ongoing affair, then only the betrayed spouses should be told.
This is my favorite method of exposure as I have found it to be not too much, and not so little that it is rendered IMPOTENT. One thing that I have learned along the way, from the Harleys, is the importance of telling the children. Kids need to be told about the affair also. Is THIS what YOU did when you say you exposed? Your information is a bit sketchy and it's difficult to give you constructive advise without more detail.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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And you can't be a great father if you are divorced. ?????? :MrEEk:
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TJ/Come on folks, I think believer just had a typo. Obviously a man CAN be a good father if he's divorced./TJ That was the reason my WW went to his house. To expose everything. I know what happened and yes I know what she shouldn't have done it. But it was exposing - the OM called me and was pretty mad. So what exactly DID she expose to OM?
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I am getting ready to call. Calling the Harley's is the best step you can take. However - I really don't agree with you that you can't be a great father if you are divorced. I think that is disrespectful to all the divorced fathers out there who try their best. Yes - in an ideal world every child would have a mother and father in love with each completely and living under the same roof forever. But this is not reality. These boards should show that. What about widowed fathers? fathers who work away from home a lot? fathers serving in the military? Are these people not as good fathers because they are not in an ideal situation where there is a mother and father sleeping ever night in the same house with their children. (..saying this as sensitively as possible..) This is a discussion that will do nothing but distract you from the heart of your real problem. I know you have been through a lot, and it's easy to get off on a tangent, but try to stay on the topic of ending your wife's infidelity and possibly restoring the marriage.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Have you exposed lately? Telling the truth about what's going on isn't lovebusting, it's telling the truth! And it might put some needed pressure on the affair (don't believe it's over, it isn't).
-ol' 2long Yeah. That was the reason my WW went to his house. To expose everything. I know what happened and yes I know what she shouldn't have done it. But it was exposing - the OM called me and was pretty mad. But I don't believe its over. Obviously with what happened. UD: This doesn't make any sense. What your W did was continue her A. Exposure is a 2l used by the BS during plan A, and it's exposure 2 family, friends, and possibly employers 2 put pressure on the A. You and your W (and your marriage) want NC with the OM as quickly as possible, so recovery has a chance 2 start. That means both of you. OM has no business "knowing" any secrets, *including* the ones he and your WW had while in their affair. Your relationship with your W is certainly none of his business. -ol' 2long
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Oops, sorry for the distraction - I meant that you CAN be a great father if you are divorced. So be strong and don't let that scare you from a solid plan.
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