My story...

XW(41) and I (42) experienced serious financial problems mainly caused by me(no gambling). We lived in a beautiful house, drove nice cars and had money. I made poor financial choices and they lasted for 3 years until my XW wanted out. We have 2 children D6 and S5. Last July my XW states that she wants out of the marriage(ILYBNLILWY).

On that very day, she began an emotional affair with a recently divorced neighbor who she was introduced to by a friend of hers. I knew right away that something was going on and I confronted her. I got the "he is just a friend" speech and he is just being supportive since he went through a divorce himself.

She asked me to move out and I refused since I would not leave my family but also knowing that she was talking to another man. Well, she moved out 7 weeks later all the while talking to OM on secret pay cell phones and our home phone. I had to endure 7 weeks of pure [censored] and all I got from her was anger, yelling, blame and everything else.

She went to a divorce attorney within 2 days after she dropped the bomb. Pushed the divorce down my throat meanwhile she was involved with the OM. We settled by mediation and finalized our divorce this past July. She has lied again and again and stated that I was "making it out to be more than it is" really...!!!

So here we are today and now she has brought the OM to meet her family, she has brought my children to meet him and his 3 children(I was not even given the courtesy of being told she was introducing our children to the OM). She said: "they should meet him since he will be a part of their lives for quite some time". She has said that they have a future together and that I should find someone and be happy.

So here I am...

- My wife left me because of finances
- She began an affair while still living under the same roof with me and our children
- She gets child support
- Now appears to be making a dash to remarriage and the ink is barely dry on the papers
- She is bringing my children in direct contact with OM(divorced w/3 children)

I am just trying to work through this. I have stayed true to my vows throughout our separation. I have dated no one and not been involved physically with any woman. I need to heal alone and am so far from ready to get involved with any one.

I really loved her but she betrayed me in one of the worse ways a spouse can do to another.

Why is this so hard to get over?

Does any one care to comment on where SHE is at mentally/emotionally right now??

How can a mother expose her children to breaking apart a family, taking them away from their father and bring the OM around them so quickly??

Thanks for reading

MMF

MMF,

You find yourself in a situation you did not want, caused by (as you said) your creating financial problems. Your XW might have had as one of her top emotional needs what we here call the need for Financial Support. (The home page links to sections called "Basic Concepts" and "Emotional Needs" that you may find helpful in understanding what else she might have needed and was not getting.)

Or it could be that she met and fell for this OM and is using the financial situation as a handy excuse. Hard to tell, but maybe you can figure it out.

Since she doesn't seem interested in working anything out with you, you have no choice but to make your own way.

Understand, too, that it is possible that a M to this OM is not likely to work out long term...did you know that only 3% of marriages born of affairs last more than 5 years?

Do you WANT her back? Not clear from your post. If you do, you make the changes to yourself in areas you fell short in as a husband. You wouldn't be the first couple to divorce and remarry.

If you DON'T want her back, you should examine yourself and make those changes anyway, in order to have a fulfilling relationship with someone else in the future.

And to answer your question, "Where is she at mentally/emotionally right now?" I would say, she is feeling very justified and is blaming YOU for whatever it is that she perceives you failed to do as the husband she wanted. Might have something to do with the financial issues you mentioned, but could be a number of other things. What did she complain about while you were married? Your best clues will come from that. She decided that this other guy looked like a better source to get what she was looking for, so she's feeling pretty good right now. Unfortunately for her, her thinking is not likely her clearest at the moment. Waywards get very, very foggy as they rip everyone's world apart.

I hope you will work through your own issues (since no one can work through anyone else's but their own) and prepare yourself for a happy life, with or without your XW.

You've taken a HUGE hit. Please take care of YOU.

I recommend that you spend as little time as possible trying to figure out the mind of a WW. Just focus on making yourself the person you'd like to be.

MMF,

I'm so very sorry that you are going thru this. RHW has excellent advice. She has been holding my virtual hand and supporting me, thru my FWH's 2nd EA.

Right now, your WW is in her own little fantasy fog world. It's terrible that she already introduced your kids to this OM. She is going to use the financial problems card as her excuse for having the A. Don't take blame for the A because you aren't the one who chose to have it.

As for "getting over it." I don't believe that any of us BS ever get over it. We may forgive, but we never forget.

As for now, you need to take care of yourself. Be the kind of H that she will regret leaving...because trust me, she definitely will regret it. When she emerges from her fantasy fog-like world, the OM won't be as appealing as she first thought he was.

Are you willing to take her back if she leaves him?

MMF,
I can so relate to your post. The quickness of her actions, her sureness, the statements for you to just find someone yourself. I, too, have had no interest in dating -- I am still married, although, my WH feels that he is not.
I have to tell you, though, working a good Plan A, while knowing that I can go to Plan B to take care of myself has given me the most peace. I have not given up on my marriage, but I feel like I am driving my own boat now, not letting WH drive events. He may decide to continue his path, but all he will get is the OW -- I will have my self-respect, the love and genuine regard of my children and the support of friends and family. In that space, if the marriage does not make it, I can move on into another healthy relationship, while he will still be with his adulterous lover.
That gives me peace, even when it gets really hard.
I wish you the best and hope that you continue taking care of yourself and your children.
BF439
me: 37
WH: 39
Kids: 12,11,4
Discovery date: 6/30/08 and again 10/25/08 and again 11/9/08!
Currently in plan a

Let me add a VERY important part to my story...

My XW had a difficult time getting pregnant. She became depressed and was seeing an IC. So together we met with fertility specialists and went through the injections, procedures and IVR.

She became pregnant but miscarried after 6 weeks. We tried again and from the second procedure our daughter was born. We immediately tried again(natural) and were blessed with a son 13 months later.

In May 2005, she miscarried our third child at 24 weeks(girl) and we were both devastated. We didn't try again right away and she became resentful that our financial situation was no stable to try again.

Her resentment with me grew because she said that we couldn't have another child(due to finances)and I deprived her of having the "perfect life"(3 children)She has said that she resents me and blames me for taking that option away from her and she will never get past it. Yet, she miscarried at 24 weeks and I am somehow responsible for her less than perfect life.

She said that I would never understand what having children means to a woman and I took that choice from her.

How cruel can someone be to put that level of blame on another person who was there for every doctor and every procedure?

How can a woman be so heartless to take her hurt out on the father of her children?

Simple. She is having an A and in order to justify doing such a horrible thing to you, she has to invent reasons why you deserve it. Hence, the rewriting of history - classic WS behavior.

Have you ordered the books and read the articles here yet? They go a long way towards explaining the WS fog and the trash waywards speak.

Its not unusual for anyone, affair or not, to blame those closest to us for our pain and loss. Its an unhealthy coping strategy, but its a coping strategy nontheless. I con't speak for her, but it sounds like she still has some unresolved grief around the loss, as well as the loss of the dream she had of a "perfect" family.
That is something that may or may not explain some of her actions, but it something she will have to work out on her own -- is she still in counseling?
BF439

MMF,

Ow. You struck a nerve in me here:

Her resentment with me grew because she said that ... I deprived her of having the "perfect life" ... She has said that she resents me and blames me for ... her less than perfect life.


My fill-in-the-blanks are different, but I got the same thing, with as little REAL responsibility as you own. I, just by being ME, ruined his dreams, his hope for happiness and his life because I was "the wrong woman" for him. I "didn't want what he wanted, didn't like to do the things he liked to do."

That was his assessment of our 37 years together! OK, I DIDN'T care if he didn't rise to the stratosphere of corporate America--I fell in love with him, not his status or earning capacity. OK, I DIDN'T enjoy violent videos, couldn't sit still for 2 hours watching gratuitous blood, murder and mayhem. I guess keeping house, raising the kids, contributing to the family income and trying to get us counseling when we weren't "clicking" amounts to failure as his wife.

Could handle all that, IF it were just a wayward's re-writing of history. But 2 1/2 years past D-Day, when I am by his own admission meeting his needs to his satisfaction, he continues to insist on that reality of our history together. He could live THAT unhappy for 37 years without ever even bringing any of this up???

Anyone else dealing with what began as fog-babble continuing well into recovery?

Some help please...

Our divorce agreement permits me days during the school week with my children. I asked for some of that time today since it is a school holiday. My XW has off from school today(she doesn't work)and a last minute birthday party invite has messed up her 1/2 day plans.

She asked me if I would trade today for tomorrow since I had the children over the weekend. She has said that she is "accommodating me" by giving me time with them.

When I stuck to my request to spend time with them she got an attitude with me since she feels I am not being flexible.

My question to those here..

Should I call her and give up my time later today with my children?

In my heart I want to do for her but I also am conflicted since she had no regard for me.

I guess I just cannot help it that I still love her and that being truly loving is giving.

May I please get some feedback...Thanks to all

I suggest you take the high road and be accomodating with child visitation.

That said, you need to stop obsessing about your ex and get on with your life. I know, easier said than done.

What are you doing for YOU? Have you tried any divorce support groups? Are you working on your financial situation?

Believer,

Thank you for the feedback. I am not sure how to take the comment about "obsessing" about my ex. My divorce is not final yet and we do have 2 young children involved.

This is a process for all of us. I am not able to just sweep it aside and go on with life as if it doesn't exist. No matter what, I still love my wife and children dearly and I have to do this at my own pace. I didn't make the choice to cheat and leave so I am here to deal with the pain and anguish.

I am sure you can understand it as a BS and I will always be hopeful that we can somehow reconcile.

Am I kidding myself?...perhaps

Sorry, I didn't read it right. I thought you said your divorce was finalized last July.

Anyway, all of us obsessed about our cheating partner, so my comment was not appropriate, just trying to help you do what you need to do to be a more attractive alternative.

Affairs almost never last, so you need to get a great plan going, and quickly.

Believer,

That is why I am here. I guess it is a hard concept to accept that I need to make me(HER HUSBAND) a better alternative. This is why my post is titled as such. It seems that the WS can do their thing and if it doesn't work out, they consider reconciling the M.

This is what is so confusing to me. There is talk of the "fog" "addiction" etc. etc. as if that justifies their infidelity. The explanation is understandable but where is the line between right and wrong?

If a WS can go off to la la land and "fall in love" with OP because they were "meeting their needs" then what is the point of getting married and having children if they will bail because they feel their EN's aren't being met?

I am trying with all my being to grasp how the WS just falls in love so easily as if their S never existed?

This whole thing is so confusing and soooooooo frustrating.

Yes, it is confusing. But as you read more here, you will see a pattern. They all do and say the same things. Sometimes we joke that there is a WS handbook.

And they behave exactly like drug addicts. They will do all kinds of crazy things, and will give up everything for their fix.

We have seen WS's leave their family and fly across the country to be with someone they met on the internet and never even met in person. It is completely crazy, and it is difficult to understand.

But the faster you accept this and get a plan, the better your chances of recovering your marriage.

I have been making small steps in planning for the future. It is so strange to not be making plans without her. I can do all I can to get healthier and financially stable but how does it bring my family back together? I didn't ask for this and yet I have to deal with the fallout of her decision.

Do I want to reconcile with my W?....absolutely

Can I forgive her for her infidelity?...I am sure I can

But how do I ever get the chance to make that choice?

This is what is so frustrating in that I have to make changes, wait it out and see if her A blows up.

If it does blow up and she wants to reconcile, am I not second choice?

Don't worry so much about the 'how did this happen' part right now. It's relevant, but you need to focus on other things. Try to accept that it DID happen. And it IS happening.

The person you knew as your wife is gone, replaced by your WW. The sooner you can see this distinction, the easier things will be.

Your WW is an addict. There is almost nothing you can do or say to get her to stop doing what she's doing. Only she can do that, and it won't come easy. She has to figure out on her own that what she's doing it wrong and hurtful and destructive.

The good news is that most affairs don't last, especially those that rush to divorce. You have to decide how much of your life energy you want to devote to trying to save your marriage, and then decide how you are going to go about doing that. Have you read up on Plans A and B? Have you considered consulting with the Harleys?

There are a couple of threads on Romantic Affairs by a guy called hiker. I'm going to bump them when I get a chance. You should read them. It's what you're probably up against.

sdguy038,

Thank you for the Romantic Affairs link.

Unfortunately, this is the type of affair she is in for sure. It just amazes me that such a strong attachment can be made so quickly and how I could be kicked to the curb like I didn't exist.

What drives me crazy is that they look at the OP as some sort of god/goddess who isn't even real. This OP had no problem stepping into another person's marriage and yet they look at them as their "soulmate" ARGHHHHHHHH

The 'fog' or 'addiction' is not a justification for infidelity, it is an explanation. For instance, if someone is addicted to meth, that doesn't mean a police officer or judge is going to excuse them when they're caught. But it explains why they will keep doing meth even though it is extremely harmful to them.

You may think that the WS gets to 'do their thing' and come strolling back to their BS when the A dies, but that's only if the BS lets them. The BS may have no desire to reconcile after the WS has done so much damage.

Bottom line: there are consequences for a WS and they usually don't see that because they're living in a fantasy world. You cannot and should not protect your WW from the natural consequences of her waywardness.

I understand that it is hard for you to grasp how your W could be acting so strangely, which is here why we often refer to them as an alien being. It is as though your W has been replaced by an alien who only looks like your own W. If you want to protect your feelings of love for your W you should have minimal contact with WW.

Yep, it's stunning the kinds of personality changes that take place. Just be pragmatic about it, though, and imagine what it takes/costs to justify their actions--the kind of self-delusion required to perpetrate this vile, destructive, immoral act--and then you get some idea of what you're up against.

You can't make her see.

You can't convince her.

Fighting with her, saying hurtful things, making sarcastic exasperated comments, trying to show her the error of her ways, expecting her to feel guilty are all captured under the MB-heading of Love-busting. When you do these now you only add to her justifications that she's making the right decisions.

Save your energy for taking care of yourself and your kids.

Because they are built on fantasy, almost all affairs fall apart. The question is how long will it take, and will it be in time for you to save your marriage.